Lessons in Resilience, Vulnerability, and the Art of Care

Qwynn Galloway-Salazar is the heart and soul of this week’s Heroes Caring for Heroes episode. As an Army veteran, end-of-life doula, and the founder of In Their Honor, Qwynn has dedicated over two decades to elevating the quality of life for military, veteran, and caregiving communities. Her personal journey, however, took an unexpected turn when her husband, Jose, a retired combat veteran and law enforcement officer, faced a major medical emergency.

Qwynn found herself thrust into a new role - that of a caregiver. Despite her extensive experience and expertise, Qwynn struggled to reconcile her professional identity with the deeply personal and emotional experience of caring for her own loved one. Her vulnerability and honesty in sharing this journey are both inspiring and heartbreaking as she navigates the challenges of maintaining her own well-being while supporting her husband through his recovery. Qwynn's story serves as a poignant reminder that even the most seasoned caregivers can find themselves in need of support and community.

Throughout our conversation, Qwynn's resilience, compassion, and unwavering commitment to her family and her mission shine through. Her willingness to open up about the isolation and loneliness of caregiving, the importance of self-care, and accepting help from others offers a powerful message. Qwynn's journey is a testament to the strength and resilience of military and veteran caregivers, and her story will resonate with and inspire others who find themselves in similar circumstances.

About Qwynn:

Dr. Qwynn Galloway-Salazar, known as Doc Q, is the Founder and CEO of In Their Honor. An Army Veteran and spouse to a Combat Veteran, she has devoted over two decades to enhancing the quality of life for military and Veteran communities. As an End-of-Life Doula Educator and Storyteller, Qwynn launched In Their Honor to collaborate with various stakeholders, ensuring Veterans and their families receive the care and support they need through the end of life. Her previous role as Co-Director of SAMHSA’s Service Members, Veterans, and Their Families Technical Assistance Center underscores her deep commitment to this cause.

Qwynn's influence extends across numerous initiatives focused on women Veterans, LGBTQIA+ Veterans, and end-of-life support. Notable roles include Lead Advisor for PsychArmor’s “Caring for Veterans Through the End-of-Life Collection” and her ongoing contributions as a Creative Advisor. She is also involved with the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization's End-of-Life Doula Council and the Compassionate Communities Think Tank. Her research and advocacy have earned her recognition as one of USA Today’s 2024 Women of the Year and the inaugural Woman Veteran of the Year by Georgia's Department of Veterans Services, highlighting her leadership and dedication to making a significant impact.

Transcript

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Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters here with the confessions of her electing caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources and, of course, laugh. Today's episode is part of our special series, heroes caring for heroes. We're partnering with the Fisher House Foundation to highlight our brothers and sisters in care who are courageously sharing their caregiving journey for both seen and unseen scars of military life and war. Now let's jump right in to today's hero confession, every woman here we go check out. Oh, look, the snaps came in. Oh, they did. You know what? This is not the time for that. Well, it's always the time for singing. But actually, I'm singing. I'm every woman because of our guests today. Yes, this is, well, I'm not gonna tell who it is yet. No, no, tell what. This is part of our heroes, caring for Heroes series. Oh, I am so excited about this. I look forward to this every year I do as well. This year series is sponsored by CVS Health. Yep, and 10 of brands. They're one of the world's, well, it is actually the world's leading one. Yeah, leading promise brands, exactly, right? And we are so thankful for them, because they're allowing us to put this series on. I know well, and sometimes I feel myself, don't say it, but it is true. It's true. We're gonna, well, pennsylvan, we're moving on. We're moving on. This show is not about menopause, and our guest is not in her head like, yes, it is hard. You know what? That she's the perfect guest. She is the perfect guest because she gets she does. She gets it all. So Quinn Gwen is amazing. She is every woman. I love her. Yes. In USA Today, who proved it? Said at the State of Georgia, they did. She was number one. That's not even a mentor. Oh, that's too bad, because we're gonna talk about that. I know. Go ahead, Jay, Okay, I'm ready. So today we have Dr Quinn Galloway, Salazar, also known as Dr Hugh, with us. She is the founder and CEO of in their honor, among many things, she's an Army veteran, she's an end of life doula, educator, and she's a storyteller. I've been talking to her already, and she is definitely a storyteller. She has devoted more than 20 years to elevating the quality of life of military and veteran communities, but last August, Quinn's life took a sharp turn, and things got really personal for her when her husband, Jose, a retired combat veteran and law enforcement officer, had a major medical emergency that changed everything. Quinn found herself in a new role, one that she had long supported for others, but wasn't a role that she was used to. It was a caregiver. This is something I love, and then we're gonna let Quinn tell a story. Why does Quinn share her personal story? She says, I know others like me are wearing that same mask, feeling the weight of caregiving and the loneliness that often comes with it. Yeah, we all wear Jesus. So she is here today to share her story and her insights and her passion for making sure that hair never is when, yeah, her best friends, Quinn, she's everybody's best friend. Thank you so much for being on her with us and and listening to our banner, JJ and Natalie y'all are I'm already old in tears. I don't know if I want to keep my glasses on, keep them off, because the tears are going to come happy, joyful tears in between tears. But thank you both here today. You were so happy. So you know the other thing is, the way that I met Quinn is that Jay, she is USA Today's representative for the state of Georgia, although I think she is all the states woman of the year because of the impactful work that she has done. And I mean, you guys, you definitely got to see the show notes, because her list of accomplishments. She is definitely someone who is about changing the world. And I always want to be around people like that. Absolutely, absolutely. She's going to change your view on caregiving today too. She's going to affirm my caregivers and read that person you are going to go to church today. So get rid of she may sing a hymn. I don't know. Quinn, so I have it. Quinn's a singer, yeah. Quinn, let me ask you a question. Sure, let's do it. Number one, are you a singer? Absolutely not. So. So let's start from the beginning. I always like to say, let's start from the beginning. Then we'll skip to the good part. So tell us a little bit about your background, and then, of course, how you and Jose met, etc. And then kind of walk us up to that time where you get the call. I mean, there's a lot in between. So you were born, but then skip Samsung, yeah. So I It all started when I was born and raised in Queens, New York. So I am a New Yorker by way of Atlanta, Georgia, okay? And my life took, you know, to get all those years in, in in synchronicity, so to speak, my life took a sharp turn in 2001 911 to be I was a college student. I had just got out of basic training, my duffel bag was literally sitting in the corner of my room as I watched the Twin Towers go down. Wow. And I was 18, maybe 19, at the time, a baby, and had no idea that my life would take such a turn. And it did right. I thought that I would be able to do my military enlistment time. And you know, see travel, travel the world, as the recruiters told me not travel to Warsaw, but travel the war travel the world and have my education paid for. I was a junior college, and I was called up to active duty. No, I did not deploy, but I was called up to I was called up. I was mobilized to Fort Bragg, which is, I think fort Liberty now, I think they need to name Liberty. And I did my time in service there. I served two two missions at Fort Bragg, where for part of the time, I served in finance, because that's my military occupational specialty, otherwise, as your MOS spec that. But then I took a test, and I had a special identifier for postal work, and so I got the chance to run the mailroom, and in running the mailroom, that changed the course of my life, because what happened was I was a lone soldier of one in that building, Because of federal regulations, but I had soldiers that would come in to pick up their mail, and these were soldiers that were either getting ready to deploy to the Middle East or soldiers that were coming back from the Middle East. And in these moments, whether they were enlisted soldiers or they were officers, I had the unique opportunity to engage with them and them engage with me. And many of them shared their stories of what they were afraid of, what they were concerned about prior to leaving. And for those that were coming back home, some of them, some of them sharing what their experiences were like in combat. That chills on me. I got to tell you that, because I think that's just one example. Brent, of you never know, no matter where you are, how you're going to help people like you don't know it doesn't matter where you're placed. I just that that foot chip told me, yeah, she called the stories, and I was like a 2021, year old kid, like I was a kid. I didn't know anything, right? All I knew was okay, people are coming and they're sharing their deepest and darkest thoughts and worries and fears, and I'm just holding it. I got a back duty, and I decided to go back to school. All right, so my bachelor degree is in criminal justice, my master's degrees in counseling, and I realized at that point that I wanted to make a difference. I realized that at 2122 there were service members that were coming home different than when they left. And so it started me on this long journey decades later. Sometimes I say to people, I can still smell the Similac behind my own ear, because time has wet where. But it started my journey and caring for service members, veterans, their families, caregivers and survivors, and that has been the breadth of my work for over the last two decades, I met my husband in about 2007 I was supporting military families, and we worked in the same building, and we were we were Friends first, and our relationship shifted, and here we are almost close to 20 almost, Oh, I love that Latina, white. I want to back up for a sec, though there's something when you were like, I've been caring for service members you were carrying at 2122 but. Did you care at all when you were younger? If you look back, I feel like you have a family who probably has some Karen in it. That would be my southern some care you're not even caring. Yeah? No, you're caring for pre Karen. You've been caring for some people. Yeah. Well, you know what's even funnier? And I don't, I don't know if I remember even shared this on any platform. So when I was in high school, so almost six foot tall, right? I know you can't tell, because I'm sitting in this I can. That's why I said, I know your daughter was a middle hitter. So when I was in high school, a lot of the coaches wanted me to play a sport. I have two left feet. But what is the extracurricular activity that got me like joined to me, it was the clown club, no kidding. And what we would do as members of the clown club, we would go to senior centers and sit with aging quotes. And I would sit and spend time with the elderly and just listen, I can't believe that ASVAB didn't give you more than finance. Well, they did, right? You know, the medic, welder? Yeah, I was, you need one of those. So that's funny, though, because I remember taking the ASVAB. I barely passed. She failed, cooking again, again. Why? I'm the civilian, non military, it's so okay. But yeah, when I think back in hindsight, right? And, yeah, there was caregiving along the way, right? My parents had me at an older age, so I've always had this older, like, near it, because that's kind of how I was raised. My mom, like that lady, she's just a carer through and through, and so tired when I was like in the sixth grade, and she would make me volunteer and do stuff with her all the time. Yeah, so the clown club just seemed to fit, right. So I really got my feet wet and my hands dirty with caring for aging people and just sitting and being present for people at a pivotal point in my life, and so that service continued on in me, putting the uniform on. And it has, kind of like it's been that, that that thread all through my life, truly, it has. And when people say, well, Quinn, what else would you do? I don't know, like, I don't know what else I would do, because this works. Yeah, you know, it's funny, Jay, because if your parents were a little bit older when they had you, and you worked with seniors, and it's not surprising to me, in the work that you do in hospice care, then, because you the mystique and the fear of death wasn't something that was given to you, it was something that you weren't. You didn't You didn't know to be afraid, like so many people, don't want to see our aging population, because it forces you to take a look at your mentality. And so it with you as a young person, we grew up with our grandparents a lot because of our parents were young and they worked. And so I grew up around a ton of older people. I love me some aging people. They have all the knowledge I love. And so I'm not surprised by that. Well, not the other piece to that, too. So I have a girlfriend when we were kids. I I'm from Queens, New York, but on the weekends, I stayed on Long Island, which is more of the suburbs, and my girlfriend, I lived across the street. We used to play this game called I apologize. We were like seven and eight years old. Corpse would read ARL Stein books. We were really infatuated with Arles Stein, if you all remember Arles Stein and deer Street, and we would play this role where one of us would be the funeral director and the other person would play dead. Okay. Fast forward, however, many years later, I got into death space as a doula. She's a social worker in hospice care. Wow. So interesting we I'm very clear that you didn't choose the professions we are in. It chose us. Yeah, I totally agree with that. Man, I totally agree with that. I'm going to take our first break. I knew we're just a touch early, but that's okay, because I want to get into, I want to I want to get into the call. I do okay, so we'll be right back. Okay, hey, ladies, I need to interrupt for just a second to share about the sisterhood membership. It's basically a sale every day, and the best part, it's free. Here's the details. We're partnering with our friends at benefit hub and other care partners to save. You money with over 200,000 participating companies across the US and abroad, you'll find discounts at your favorite local stores, huge savings on vacations, amazing deals on home, auto and supplemental insurances and everything in between. Go to Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com, to sign up and then definitely tell your friends about it. They can join too. Trust me, there's a discount for everyone, and don't forget, it's free. Okay, back to confessing. All right, we're back here with Gwen. So we've gone, we've bounced around a little bit. Oh, this is great. We are at this point where we've served, we have we were born, we've served, we've listened, yes, we got played, we got married. We've done all that. So then what happened? We Yeah, we get a call. And this is kind of this caught me. You got a call. It was the moment, but you got the call from your husband. Wait, how many kids do we have at this? Oh, yeah. So in total, we have six, right? I have three bonus daughters, three adult bonus daughters, and his kids. We actually have four adult daughters, and we have two, two that are still babyish. And this is that six girls. Six girl, wow, oh my gosh, absolutely, we got new sisters. Even the dogs are girls. You don't have dogs. We have one dog. He's a male. Two cats, at least, yeah, at least Jose's got, so Jose's got somebody who's got somebody or the dogs were girls in our house. Even our dad was just, it was just that completely outnumbered anyway. So you got that, you've got, you've got some Brady Bunch, and we're having some fun. They're all girls. And so Jose is definitely holding his eye. Yeah, and you've got a career, booming career. And so then you get this call and from Jose, yeah, okay, I get this call, and the call goes a little something like, don't freak out, I'm paraphrasing, of course, don't freak out. I'm on my way home, but I need you to take me to the hospital. Now coming from a man that does not get sick, coming from the man that we all look at as Superman, that was the scariest thing I had ever heard him say. He won't take sick days, none of the above. And so I knew something was really wrong and so and I've shared like it's his story to share, but in essence, I get him to the hospital. My husband's also a first responder, so he retired from the military as a military police officer, okay? Eight years and he went into law enforcement again after retiring. It makes sense, and it makes sense like he just took one uniform off and traded it for another new outfit. I mean, women change outfits all the time, that part, so I'm grateful that the hospital we took him to know him, yeah, because he's a fondant and so they immediately triaged him. In short, one of the nerves in his brain had a stroke, impacted his vision. His mobility caused the palsy. And here's the thing, I send my husband off every day, hoping and praying he makes it home safe because of the world we live in. Never once have I thought I'm going to send my that particular day. I wasn't thinking I'm going to send my husband off to work today, and our lives are going to change in a way that I couldn't imagine. And it did. We stayed in the PCU for a few days because the thought initially was he had a brain injury that he How did this happen with him, not realizing that something happened. So it went from a full on stroke to, did you hit your head? Was it a concussion? Like, what? How did all of this happen to come down to find out that this single nerve in his brain went haywire well, and How old was he? Because he was a pup, wasn't he? He fifth, no, no, 56 Yeah. So he's still, he's still young. I mean, you're thinking, and are they thinking at that point? Because did they know at that point that he was former service member that had had combat experience? No one asked. Yeah. No one asked. No one asked that question. And here's the thing, in the midst of being his wife, the hat of Dr Quinn, the hat of this is what I do for a living. It wasn't even there, right, right. It wasn't it wasn't there because my thoughts were, is my husband going to be okay? My kids, our girls are scared out of their mind. What does the way forward look like my husband has very illustrated tattoo art on his arms that include combat boots and flags, and he's got IVs and connected to all types of equipment. And no one said to him, Are you a vet? Let me ask you, Quinn, why is that important for civilians like us and for people who work in the medical profession or people who work in a helping profession where you're going to come in contact with another person, why is that lived experience? Especially as military, we'll just carve out military. Why is it important to ask? Yeah, there's so many reasons why that's important to ask, but just to think of a top few asking the question, and I want to be very clear in the way that this question is asked, asking the question, have you served? Right? It allows for that provider, wherever you are in the provider spectrum, to be able to say, okay, how can I show up for this veteran or this service member or this military spouse fill in the blank in a way that's culturally appropriate to their need, to their care. The nights that my husband was in that hospital when he fell asleep, I stayed awake because I knew that throughout the night they were going to come in and bombard their way in, for someone who has been in combat, for someone who has experienced trauma, those sudden noises so sudden jolts can be charring to that which Ultimately, and I'm grateful that this wasn't our case, but so many days after leaving the hospital, I sat and thought about that can exasperate what that veteran, what that caregiver, is going to experience when they leave out of that medical system and go back home. It's almost as if I understand that we are trying to care for that person while they're in the hospital. But you're reactivating, yeah, activating traumas. You're reactivating just episodes or images that they've had in service, not all of them, but it's important to know. So it's important to know, have they served? Because then there are certain illnesses, there are certain you know, he may have had a traumatic brain injury, that exactly serving right, that you need to know about, right? So there's so many things that when you think about asking that question, taking my husband out of that hospital bed and putting a woman veteran in that hospital bed, or putting not even a woman veteran, you think about sexual trauma, there's so many things to think About, so many reasons why it's important to say, Have you served? We know many of our service members and our veterans who went into combat, they've experienced burn pits. They've experienced a multitude of environments that can impact their health upon return. Asking that single question, can afford you opportunities to ask other questions, to narrow down what may be going on with that veteran or that caregiver or that spouse at that present. So I cannot stress enough ask the question, when you talk about that lived experience, I challenge providers, put your clipboard down for a minute. Oh yeah, when you're going into that room and you're seeing this person that. Connect with that person for a moment in a human shared experience. That's medicine. That is a form of medicine to say, I see you. There's no reason why they that every single doctor, nurse, care provider that came into that room did not see my husband's tattoos? Yeah, they're huge. So we have, we have gotten, I know absolutely that there's so much more that that all of us can do even to recognize those type of traumas, we should talk about Quinn. I know that's what we're going to get back to, because we're going to we're going to go into Quinn. So at the time that this happens, when I read through everything that was going on with you, even on that day, you had a lot of stuff going on professionally, like you had some amazing projects and just releases that were about to happen. I want you to tell me about you during that time. Your girls are busy, of course, but you have got this, this career, and you also simultaneously are doing all this care. Tell me where your state of mind is, because you've said to me, you know, people are wearing a mask. And a lot of caregivers that are listening to us out there, they're wearing this mask of, you know, playing both these roles. Tell me about that. Yeah. So to back it up to career for a minute, um, in 2021 I launched in their honor, yeah. And I remember, right before launching it, I went to my husband, and my husband's like my cheerleader, and I said to him, so I think I want to quit my full time job passion, because I'm going to change the world absolutely sister, and I remember my husband looking at me now my do this is Of course, of course, in the middle of the pandemic. Yeah, so then, like, You cannot be serious, like, What are you talking about? But what was happening at the same time was my mentor was dying from stage four metastatic breast cancer, and she was a Marine, and we would connect, and I remember her challenging me to move the needle forward on end of life care for veteran. I was already in the suicide prevention space, and I had this question, how does one's military experiences show back up at the end of life, and what were what were we doing as a society, not healthcare systems, not institutions as a society? What were we doing to say, thank you for your service in an actionable way. And so my husband agreed and said, If you are serious about this passion project, I support you to build it. So I reached out to a good friend of mine by the name of Dr Tina, after all. And Tina is the CEO of psych armor, and Tina Adam knows everything that's going on in DC, everything related to our military, connected communities. And I said, Tina, what are we doing? What are we doing in the end of life space? And I was angry, because we had just lost my mentor, and I was grieving, I was hurt, I was sad, I was feeling all these things, and I ranted to Tina, and she has the most calming voice ever. And after I finished ranting, she said to me, what are you gonna do? And I'm that person. It's like, did she challenge me? I think she bring it. I need to do something. And so we partner together, and we create a collection of courses called caring for veterans through the end of life. And those courses are specifically designed. One is for communities, compassionate communities, the second one is designed for healthcare providers, and the third was designed for caregivers and loved ones. The launch of that collection literally happened when I was in the hospital, and I am grateful for my community and my tribe that pushed it out because I was not in the head space to do so I was also and I'm going to be transparent and vulnerable, And I feel the prickles behind my eyes I was also being tested to back up what I preach in terms of we need to be support for one another. I at the time with my husband. In being home, because we did not know if he was going to be able to go back to law enforcement. Everything was just unknown. His mobility was affected, so we had to hold his hand wherever he went. He had to wear a patch for a few months, because his eye, when he would look out in his work, it was like looking into a kaleidoscope. You can't go back to law enforcement like that, right? Like so on top of that, his identity was woven all throughout, right? Like, now, what am I going to do? Right? And I hear these stories all the time from veterans who are taking their uniform off, whether it's because of medical issues, retirements, transitions from the military, and here I am facing it with my husband, right? You can call me an expert in many realms, but for this moment, I was his wife, that's right, right? I was his wife, and I am so grateful that even though I put that mask on, even though I put that cape on, even though I thought I had all my sh i t together and I was ready for battle, there were people that Were standing right behind me saying she's gonna need us because she's gonna need us. That's what happened for me, right as much as I talk about caregiving and how isolating and lonely and how depression and how even suicidal ideations come into the front the forefront for our caregivers. I wasn't seeing myself through that same lens. I felt as though I was just doing the things that I needed to do to keep my family together, to keep my girls focused on school. School had just started to keep everyone where they needed to be, caring for everyone, but the one that I wasn't caring for was myself. I'm gonna put us on a pause right there. Oh yeah, because that's that is. It's this, is this a tune that is played over and over and over again? What you just said? But I want to take a break, and we're gonna come right back. If you like confessions, we have another podcast. We'd love to recommend the happy, healthy caregiver podcast with Elizabeth Miller as a fellow Whole Care Network podcaster. We love how Elizabeth chats it up with family caregivers and dives into their caregiving and self care strategies, just like us. Elizabeth believes that family caregivers are the experts in caregiving. Beyond the informative conversations, Elizabeth reveals the tried and true resources and practical self care tips that empower caregivers to prioritize their health and happiness. You can find the happy healthy caregiver podcast wherever you download your favorite podcast or go to the website at Happy Healthy caregiver.com All right, we are back here with Gwen, and she just said she played the tune she did. She said she was caring for everybody else but herself. She had not put her oxygen mask on. No, for sure, she was just walking around like, here's your masks, your mask, except for mine, and she's suffocating. Because, I don't know about you, Quinn, at times I felt like I couldn't breathe. And, you know, trying to help my husband, because you're right. I was a subject matter expert in the mental health field and working with providers, healthcare providers, and it just goes out that. It just goes out the door. It just goes completely out the door. And that hat is not even in the room. I don't even think it's in the same house, and so and you're trying to figure out who you are, and you're trying to be everything to everyone, and for me, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, I just, I didn't feel like I was doing a great job at anything. I was just kind of half button. It like I touch here, touch there, touch there. And I'm just trying to keep the fires down and never putting a fire out. Yeah, you know, I remember there was a point, and I laugh about it wasn't funny then kind of was, but it wasn't. I remember, there was a day where my husband and I were out and he just was standing there and, like, and he's like, I can't see right? Like, what? So His thing was, you're not holding my hand. I can't see Quinn, right? But it was like I was so consumed with all the things, right? And have aging parents, all the things that that particular. Day I was off. I was off, and I remember my girlfriend saying to me, and this was like, one of the first times that I said, Maybe I'm not okay. And she said, I'm making an executive decision. Pizza's for dinner tonight. And I said, okay, and it was, I think, ingrained in military culture, I think ingrained in our society. We don't like to burden people, we don't like to ask for help. So I wasn't going to ask for help. But my girlfriend flipped this whole experience on his head by saying, I can't change your situation, but I can make sure that your favorite food, you and your family have it for tonight. And it became almost a ritual, right? Like Fridays were pizza night, and I would just my doorbell would ring, and there would be pizza pies all the doorstep, so I never had to say. And I'm using that as just one singular example. I need help, right? And I'll be even, I'll even be a little bit more. I'll share even more about my reluctancy. Quite honestly, I was his wife, and I did not accept the term caregiver for a very, very long time. He even though to a certain degree, my caregiving duties were over, there are certain things for the rest of my husband's life that I have to watch for, because he is prone to stroke. Yep, it took having a conversation with you, Natalie, and you read me my you've read me. You read me. I'm going to say again, she read me. Because I was not connecting my own lived experience and saying, This is my lived experience out loud, the moment that I did that, the moment that I allowed myself to show up in that way, allowed me to talk to other caregivers and say, I see you because I bid You, and I will be you, I'm sure again, I It's my why? Was it a sucky experience to have to go through to solidify my why? Yes, but when I think of the 14 point 3 million military connected caregivers, I have to broach this topic, not just as Dr Quinn dot, dot, dot. I have to broach this topic from the standpoint of, I've been a caregiver or a veteran too, and that speaks volumes, friend that is that's so important to and, and I'll say this, I at first i That's why I mean the podcast is named reluctant caregiver, because I even to say I'm reluctant like nobody wants to look like you know? Oh, well, I always have to qualify reluctant caregiver. It's not that I don't love my husband. Sometimes I don't like him, but it's not that I don't love him, okay, sometimes he makes really stupid choices and so and it drives me crazy as a type A. I know that's shocking to everyone that I'm type A but I think I now even it was hard for for Jason when I would say I was a caregiver, because he just did not. He didn't. He his definition, our society's definition, Quinn, I don't know if Jose would look at you and be like, Well, no, you're my wife. You know what I mean, and I'm and I proudly say, Oh, I'm your wife and I'm your caregiver, and I wear that badge with honor, and I am, and you're a caregiver for a veteran. That's a different lived experience, but we have the same shared experiences with our thoughts and our feelings and the actions that we'll go through, and that's what makes us so beautifully human, and how we connect. And I think what's important too, and and when we think about caregivers, not just caregivers are carrying in the military connected space, don't lessen your caregiving experience. Yeah, please. And. I think for a moment I did, right? I'm like my husband wasn't. You know, my husband wasn't severely injured in theater, right? Or my caregiving experience didn't come from my husband's service connected injuries, right? But when we put ourselves in all of these buckets, we're not allowing ourselves to connect, right? We're not allowing ourselves to say, This is my experience, right? I needed to get fussed at that day. You needed you were put into my space to fuss at me that day, because it has allowed me to show up for caregivers in a different way that I wasn't before. It allows me to identify in a way that I wasn't before, and I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful to be able to say I know what that journey feels like. I know how lonely that journey is. My experiences aren't just from focus groups or what the literature tells me or what research says. Some of my experience comes from walking alongside of my husband being there and having to figure out, okay, maybe my dreams are deferred, right? Maybe I'm gonna have to put everything on hold because the likelihood of me being the breadwinner at this point is high, yep. So you have the the world, and I'm using that Lily broad saying she's on top of the world. She just came out with this collection. This is happening. That's happening. But in my home it was chaos, the unknown, and it was lonely, because what social media allows us to do is illustrate the story that we want the world to see, and not what's really happening in our lives. Yeah, and so I challenge your listeners, don't feel the need to have to hide your truth. Don't feel the need to not lean in when your folks want to support you. I also challenge your listeners, who may not be caregivers, but are thinking how they can support care. Caregivers, don't ask the question, just call me if you need something. Yeah, I'm not calling you. I'm surviving. I'm over here. I don't even know what a phone is at this moment. Just bring us, I'm bringing me some food, you know, just bring me some food. Reason, Molina show up with random acts of Starbucks. Yeah, yeah. Just, I have a caregiver that's in my community. So outside of the work that I do, I try to give back in my community where I live. Of course you do. Of course you do. Yes, you add that hour into your daddy. What's really cool is some of the people in my community have no idea what I do, and I am so okay with that, because it allows me to show up for humanity. And there's a caregiver that lives about 20 minutes or so away from me and her husband was dying at the time, and I would show up on Fridays. I know you need toilet tissue. I know you need paper towel. I know the things you like to snack on. Guess what? I can't fix the fact that you're losing your husband, yeah, but I can make sure I bring these things and just sit and be present with you, right? We have got to come together as a community and as a nation, once again, not speaking from the standpoint of just veterans, but pause before you open your garage door. Open opener to drive on in. Know who's in your community. Know who's there. How can you serve your community members? We've got to get out of this individual end of individualized culture where we just see our fall walls and see side of that and say, How can I do something for someone else that may be in need? Because I can guarantee you there is someone, whether they're across to the sides behind you, that's in. Need of something. Oh yeah, it's neighbor helping. It is, it is really exciting. Has got to get back to that neighbor helping neighbor. You know, we do love that Jack I do. I'm not gonna lie to you, and I know we're getting close to on our time. And so we have to do sister questions. But I really liked how you said when you know, and around and about Facebook and social media and what people see of us, we got to be okay being vulnerable and showing ourselves and when life is hard, because when we give permission to show that, we make it normal, and we allow for people to be vulnerable and not feel like they're going to be rejected, because that's really what the root cause is. No one wants to be rejected. Or you've got your cape on and everybody and you've got all this greatness going on around your life, and you don't want, and this was me, I don't I don't want to show everybody that I'm failing at home. I want to be a success, because that's what I that's what I think I want to be. I want to, you know, and I didn't have the comfort level to feel vulnerable until I started journaling and really talked about bringing that taking that mask off. Taking the mask off is one of the most freeing. Like, I'm just going to take this mask off. I am exhausted from wearing it. My shoulders are so tight I'm going to take it off. And if you don't accept me for me, that's on you. So I'm gonna show up for myself and not show up for show Yeah, and it's so, you know, I talk about hope all the time, and I know hope is such a cliche word, but you know, for me, it's an acronym, yeah, there's hope when I'm able to hear other people's experiences, right hearing experiences give me hope. When you are transparent and vulnerable and you allow your reluctancy to bubble up, you're giving people hope to say it's okay. You're freaking human. Exactly Okay. We've got to do a better job in bringing humanity back to this human experience. I love this. I love Quinn. I told you I'd love her. You'd like she's the best friend you know Quinn this. We're gonna do some sister questions. All right, let's do it. Okay. So I am big on Lord, please help me. So here you go. I got the Lord, please help me question. I love that you shared the question or the statement that the day that you were off and your husband said, I can't see like, I love that, because there are days I'm off and I'm with mom, and I'm like, I see everything but the person I'm supposed to I know. I'm like, I'm like, What is the problem? I'm standing to go in the store, and my mom's like, well, could you get my rollator or my wheelchair? I can't walk, move legs, lady, what's the problem? Oh, you've got Parkinson's. Oh, yeah, sorry about that. Um, tell me. Just give me, like, give our listeners two things, because we all have got the off days like I have shut down. Give me one or two things that you would say to the all the people that you help to help you through those off days, to maybe get you maybe to a semi on place, yeah. So first, give yourself some grace, right? We immediately, I immediately wanted to beat myself up in that moment, but I had to give myself grace, I apologize. And was like, let me get your arm right, like Grace, but it was also an indicator to me, to tell me I'm not good, right? And that that self care, another term that we probably use too much. I need to find a few minutes just for me to send me, because if I'm not good, no one in this house is going to be good. And it's that domino effect. So give yourself grace. But also know, what's that one thing you can go do? Can you go outside for 10 minutes alone, for a walk, to breathe, to feel the sun, hell, to jump in a puddle, right? To feel for you? Is it journaling? Is it singing as loud as you can I'm every woman or May, or whoever you are. What is it that, for a moment, allows you to just focus on you and do that? Yeah, and do it again and again, and then it becomes a part of a routine of your everyday, even if, if it's 15 minutes, do it, I'm going to add one more. Someone says they're dropping off pizza, or someone says they want to do something to say, yes, let on, I don't I love it. Leave it on your doorstep. Don't get offended if you don't want company. Leave it outside. I'll get it. Please charge that to my heart, let alone I love that. That's true. Yeah, it goes. I'm telling you, though it's all about allowing people to demonstrate kindness. Sometimes you have to give permission because people want to do something, and they just don't know. And so when you tell them as much as possible. But on the other side of that, I don't know that I have it some days to tell you what I need, and so I just need you to be observant. Like, know me, don't like, do no, do faci know me. When you know me, then you know what I need, really. And I know that sounds very like that's a lot of pressure. No, it's not. Not when you know, when you talk, when you think about who you love and who your friends are, you know what they need. It's a little bit. Sometimes it's whether it's an ear, it's a Starbucks, it's a like, let's go grab some pizza, yeah, or a nap, or anything. Oh, my God, a nap here all set with the kids, so you can take a nap. That feels good. Oh, I love it. I love nap, okay? Quinn, what speaking of nopes, what is your favorite guilty pleasure? The one thing that you do, just for yourself, only for only for you, art. So I mean, I work in the death space. I have to do so on the other side of this office is my art. I have a whole art setup, and I paint, and I indulge in what's called Diamond art. Really, it's paint. It's it's 2020 it's the 2020s version of paint by number. I like it already. It's structured diamond art. I'm not gonna spoil it. It's called Diamond art, and what it does for the brain. It's funny. Is phenomenal. And when I need for my brain to calm, I go to diamond art. Oh, I'm burning down that I gotta hide over do diamond art. When you come up to DC, you should bring some you should do that. Yeah, we should have a little little quality time. You know guys, Quinn, we love you, and this has been so good. Jay, this hero is caring for heroes. Series is so phenomenal. We again want to thank CVS and our friends at tena as well. We've got some other friends that are helping us out. Of course, the Fisher House Foundation and summit behavioral health care. We love all these folks who are helping us out. And we've got so many partners, Psych armor, you mentioned they're going to be on with the series, Jay, they'll be on the end. They're on the educational series, and you'll get to meet Tina, who is you're going to love her. So you know what, guys, thank you so much for for listening in. And there's going to be more, because we've got a PBS special, and you're going to meet Jose on the special, so you'll hear more from Quinn, and you'll get to meet Jose. And I can't wait to see the photos of the six girls, because they've got six daughters, and they are wonderful. Quinn, thank you so much for being with us. Thank you for having me, ladies, thank you so much. No wonder you are amazing, and until we confess again, we will see you next time. Bye, Well, friends, that's a wrap for today's educational episode. Thank you for listening to our special series, heroes, caring for heroes, and don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our monthly newsletter. Sign up for the free sisterhood advantage discount club, and, of course, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Tiktok, Twitter and Pinterest. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube Channel. We'll see you next time when we confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice, as always, my sisters and I, at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver, have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this show are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted, and no part can be reproduced without the express written consent of the sisterhood of care, LLC, thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. You.