Wendy Adams

Transcript

Unknown: 0:02

Hey guys, it's your favorite, sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver. Podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, lead with helpful tips and resources, and, of course, laugh. Now, let's get to today's confession. You know what's the best Jay, I'm so afraid of what you're going to say. Anyone's not watching the YouTube video. You should, because I like to, like, warm up with my mouth. Like, I make these mouth mouth noises. Everybody knows I like to sing, but, and I'm gonna sing at some point, I can feel it, but I think the mouth exercises. I think if you don't know people like you, should stick your tongue out before you have to do something important, make a funny face like I knew. I mean,

Natalie: 1:06

it really relaxes you. Yeah, it does. It really does. So you know what it is a good day to talk to a caregiver. I think it's a good day to just have a good day in general. Oh, it's a beautiful morning.

JJ: 1:20

Oh, I think I'll go outside for a while and smile, Okay, we're done, you know What? What? I'm gonna I'll apologize to the guests and all voices right front as the voice, the voice star has, she has brought in her first stanza this morning, thank you. Just the first one. Just the first one. Oh, wait, we heard a voice. Oh, Natalie, I think I hear Yes, buddy. Okay, why don't we stop messing around? Oh, sorry, let's stop messing around. And let's introduce Wendy, because she is our newest sister. Again, we have our own titles on the YouTube channel because we rename ourselves every episode.

Unknown: 2:04

So for those of you who can't see, I am the third favorite sister. There's only three of us. Maybe next time, I'll be the fourth, and then I am the better sister today. And of course, Wendy is our newest sister. Okay,

Kaylin: 2:22

Jay, tell everybody. About Wendy. Okay, let's get started. We'll get serious today. We are incredibly excited to have Wendy Adams with us. She serves as the owner and executive leadership coach with cultivate for good. I love that business name, Wendy. She is driven by her love of Jesus and demonstrating his love to others in January of 2022 a simple CAT scan, months after her mother's illness began, discovered a large mass entangled around her pancreas, liver and part of her stomach. And as Wendy says, this was not the news that anyone expected. But she also says God equips the call and amen to that. With Wendy living in Virginia and her mom in Florida, the diagnosis turned from a four week visit into a three month stay into commutes back and forth over the next 11 months, we totally understand that long distance caregiving. She says she would not be the woman she is today, if not for her mother, and certainly not for that last 11 months they spent together. What an amazing perspective, Wendy, we are so excited to have you here today and our newest sister.

Wendy: 3:35

Ladies, it is a privilege. I'm holding this title. You can't take it. We don't send out trophies. Wendy, but it's, it's, you know. Just know that it's we meant to. It's, you know. Okay,

Unknown: 3:51

so Natalie always starts, you can start Jay, I'll let you Oh, I mean, it's your line, you know, it's,

JJ: 3:58

well, Wendy, I always like to ask people to, you know, start from the beginning, so you were born, but skip to the good part, but in general, like you were born, and then it was pretty boring for those first couple years, I'm sure. But, and it's really interesting, because we'll get back to the you were born. At some point we're going to go back to the you were born, because that was one of the things in something that you wrote to us that really touched my heart. So I'll come back to you were born and but so tell us, give us some some color around the background of your family, and then how you got into caregiving. So give us like the high level. I'm gonna give you the high level. And let me just say nothing about Wendy is boring from the beginning, it's been exciting. So, you know, it's one of those people ask me, where are you from? Okay, so my background, my family, from the Caribbean. I've been there. I spent time there on vacation, but I never really lived there. But that influence came all the way through in every.

Unknown: 5:00

Thing that I did. I was born in New York in the Bronx, across the street from Yankee Stadium. Go jokes, but as my parents were not together very early in my in my life, my mom was a nurse, and she did traveling nursing. I had no idea what that meant. We just moved. We moved from New York to LA, from LA to Tampa, Florida. And so all of these moves for me, I just picked up different pieces that continue to formulate, but that line of continuity, which will come later in the story was always mama, right? We were each other's besties, if we had our titles to lay out, and sometimes we always loved each other. We didn't always like each other, that's, you know, uh huh, but we were open about that. And so what came always through was telling a great story. Now that didn't mean making up stories, you know, that was not something that Mama was about, but being a storyteller and engaging with people where they are has always been a part of me. It's it's my love language. It's how I love to connect who's made me who I am. And actually, if you when we talk about, if we get into that space of even from a career standpoint, when I wasn't telling a story, when that wasn't embedded in just wasn't the place for me to be. So in a nutshell, really high level that's been my journey is where can I hear and tell the story connecting others. I am a connector. So if you share something with me immediately, my mind as well. Who can help with that? If not me, then who? That's my job. That's why I'm here. That's interesting. Any brothers or sisters? Good question. Oh, great question. So yes, you'll recognize with me, DNA does not determine family. Thus I'm the newest sister. So I actually have, by DNA, three other siblings who honestly didn't grow up with and don't really didn't know for the longest time, they were on my dad's side, and for lots of reasons, were kept we were kept separate. I have now, we have now formulated as adults, relationships together, post my dad even being here, but I grew up as an only child with a single parent, and that's how I introduced myself. What I learned quickly, and what I was blessed by were all of the relationships that have come into play, that are definitively family. I've got more nieces and nephews and sisters and brothers, because we just continue to be in each other's lives in a very intentional way, and that is family by choice. I do like family by choice. Sometimes Jay chooses not to have me as her sister totally put that block on my phone and unfriendly I can, I can tell when she's screened me brandy. So I'm just gonna tell you, I won't, I won't screen you. Thank you, Emily, would be like, I screen them both

JJ: 8:11

all the time, all day, all day long. So you're traveling with your traveling nurse as well, just not actually the nurse part you're traveling. And so, you know what a kind of like, if you think about it, you know your mom is brought over culture, because it's very clear culture is going to play a role in the relationships that you have. And so, which is always a beautiful thing, and is diversity like in being able to understand how other cultures impact how we our relationships. But you went from New York, which is really like New York, and then you went to LA, which is total west coast, like that's like, feels very like different night and day. And then you went to Tampa, Florida, which is interesting. And I think you landed there so you all, you and your mom are coexisting. You're she's working. You're growing up. Did you all like, adopt family? Is that another piece of your DNA, piece of DNA, does not determine family? Like, because everywhere you win, it's the two of you guys, but you're kind of like, integrating in absolutely, absolutely, we never celebrated a holiday on the actual day, or very rarely, because, as a nurse, there was going to be, I've got to go, I've got to go to the hospital. I've got to be doing. And so I spent time and didn't know any different, with people who, again, didn't share any DNA with but that is who I spent holidays with. That's who we spend holidays with. I, when I was nine, said to my mama, I want to celebrate Thanksgiving on the Thursday. I don't want to go back to school and say we did it on Sunday or it's coming. I just want that. I want to be able to feel normal. She chuckled, you.

Unknown: 10:00

And said, normals relative. But she said, Look, Wendy, there is no way that I can work seven a to 7p and we have Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. I mean, you would have to make the meal. I said, Great, teach me. And she did it at nine. I made our first Thanksgiving meal from the turkey to the cranberry sauce. Like, gosh, I like that. Look at your mom. And so building you up, building resilience and building she was and who knew how much I was going to need? That I certainly didn't know at nine. I just knew that when I went back to school on that Monday, I'd be able to say, yep, not only did we have it on Thursday, but this girl, she did. I'm in Turkey. None of you guys made it, and you're not. You didn't do anything but eat it. That's right. So, yeah, we, we built that, um, that relationship from the beginning, and incorporated that with others who didn't always look like me, sound like me, but who loved and intentionally chose to be a part of and that was what I've continued to bring along with me. So you go into adulthood, you leave the nest, yes, and you go into adulthood, and life is going on, and you find your path, and you and your mom, I'm assuming, find your new normal within both of your all's adult lives, because that's so different when you're a child and you transition to adult. But let's fast forward to when care came into the relationship, because now I'm going to add the third, the third and newest family member, which is ultimately when she got sick, because I talk about the mistress who and the mistress still lives with us like she lives with us. And it's funny that I refer to her as a woman like I refer to Jason's cancer as a woman. She's unwanted. We don't need her. We don't want her. She's there. But you all had a third person come in and you and she was masked for a long time. You didn't know what was going on. So let's talk about, when did you start seeing the first signs? What was your mom saying to you? Because the fact that your mom's a nurse, then you're like, that's interesting. So she's smarter than the average bear when it comes to medical she is, she is, and didn't ever miss an appointment. So Neither would I. Ladies. Mammograms are important, and so that's how I grew up. Like you get the check, you ask the questions, you stay in it for about nine months prior to her diagnosis, there was a change, a significant change, in her abilities. So we talk about, I moved into my adulthood. She's doing her thing. I'm now in Lynchburg, Virginia, right? I moved here in 2012 I'm doing life. I found fundraising as my next call. I'm telling stories. Mom's doing her thing. Gosh, she made retirement look like Mecca, and that's where I wanted to be. She volunteered. She had her days that she was she was doing things that I never thought she'd step into. And then we got to this season where there was a lot of pulling back and I can't and I don't have the energy, the bandwidth isn't there, the breath isn't there. That was the big thing. We recognized that she just couldn't breathe well, and so doing and going and walking all cut back. Well, you tuck in there the pandemic that slowed us all down and stopped everything that didn't help. But what never changed was that she kept pressing in with her primary care physicians and specialists. Something's wrong. Something's off. Look at these lab results. My sodium is out of whack. This that she's the nurse, not me, but I can read a Yeah, something is off. And she got to the point that even when the world opened back up, she even more. So couldn't do trying to get her. I went and saw we couldn't do anything. I convinced her, 2021 for Christmas. Please get on the plane. Just one flight. Come to me. Let's, let's have some sweet time together. I was up to the hills with my own so I couldn't travel. But if she could come to me that would work when we found out what was really going on with her. It was a miracle in and of itself that she made that flight when we saw when, when we finally figured out what type of respiratory issues were coming about due to this cancer she shouldn't have been able to I made my way back with her in the new year to say we're getting to the bottom of this. I will go to every doc, every appointment. We're going to get second and third opinions, but we're getting an answer, and we got that answer, January 26 So was it the visit when she came to you? Was it because I wonder, because there's always this thing for me, I. Where, like it's you're farther away, like it's my mom, the same kind of way, like I don't see her as being all full of Parkinson's. And then when you see her, you're like, Whoa. That's way worse than we thought. Like that's when we had to make the decision to transition mom at one point in 2023 and you're like, how did it let let it go this far. Why didn't you tell me more, and why didn't I do why didn't I see it better? Why didn't I see it well? We talk about that non DNA family. You'll hear me mention my sister Tammy, who doesn't look anything like me. We compliment really well. I feel I am the better sister that you bottom line is, my mother always introduced her mama introduced her as the daughter she never had and the one who listened. So I feel like you're the middle child, Tammy. Tammy was her bonus daughter, and my mom was her. Is her bonus was her bonus mom, her tammy's parents moved, and she's very close with them, but having someone in place, so they did Sunday dinners together, she saw on a consistent basis, and she was my eyes and said some things off, but Natalie, to your point, until I saw her, she got off that plane and I watched her walk to the vehicle. Who is that? We went to the grocery to get her favorites, because don't purchase before she gets there, because it may have changed, and she couldn't go from aisle to aisle. She's like, please just take me home. I need to rest. Who is this woman? And so yes, I asked all of the questions and went into, how could I have not? What did I miss? Am I so wrapped up in my own space, on and on and on. And I immediately reached out to my employer and said, Hey, I know that I have this much. I need this much. I was gonna go for two weeks. I need it to be four because I'm putting appointments in place. I've got to figure out what's going on. So, yeah, that's that's okay. So this is a good place. I'm going to take a pause for just a second, and then we're going to jump in. We'll be right back. I don't know about you, but my inbox is always cluttered with useless emails, but there's one I always open the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver newsletter. You may say, Natalie, what makes yours so special? 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Kaylin: 18:08

everybody. We are back here with Wendy, and we're at a point in the story where they are going to find an answer, and Wendy's getting on a plane, I'm assuming, and her and Mama are going back to Florida, because they are, they're going to find out an answer. So you get back to Florida, and you're making appointments, you're doing this. Tell us about how this unfolds.

Unknown: 18:30

So we make the appointments actually before we leave, because we're going to take action. And that was a fight in and of itself. She's already had that test. We're going to do it again. And so how it eventually is? It's back to the primary care physician who says, I just, I don't know. Okay, well, we've got to figure something out. So then it's on to the gastro. She's bleeding from somewhere because her hemoglobin is dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping, guys, this is first world. We got to know what's happening. And so it was just that persistence, I got called a lot of things in this journey. Persistence was one of them, and what we will share, because I wasn't going to let go, but what I told, what I'm telling you, is a simple CAT scan is what revealed a 13 centimeter mass. How do you miss that? I do not know. So we she gets the CAT scan. We're waiting for the results, and in less than 18 hours, we get the phone call. I'm at dinner with friends, and I get a call from some unknown number, but the Lord says you got to pick this up. And it's the doc in the radiology department who's saying, Bring her to the ER immediately. It's 745 immediately, she's at home alone. So I call her, and she is devastated. I call another frister for. Sister, please. I'm about 40 minutes away. Can you make it there and be with her? Help her start packing a bag I'm leaving. I'm just gonna tell you Buffalo Wild Wings has not been a place that I've been able to visit for quite a while, especially that location, because my life flipped upside down and inside out in that moment. I didn't know what any of this meant, but I knew that it wasn't good. We went to the ER and we're there till 330 that morning trying to get answers. And she was finally admitted that next morning is when we got the full diagnosis of what was going on, which was put us in a tailspin. What do we do from here, and how did we get this far? How old was your mom at that time? Wendy? She was 73 Yeah, yeah. So what prognosis do they give you at that point? And what's going through your mind, like, Is this okay? It's gonna be fine. We're gonna snap right back out of this. We're gonna get back to our lives. So we are told it's this large mess with that size. We're pretty confident that it's cancer. We can't give you a stage yet. We've gotta do a biopsy. Great schedule, all of it. Do it now. I'm with urgency, and we still were seeming to be in this place of but the next and the next, and we all know insurance is that necessary evil, because it it dictates the timeframe. And so the two of us are now having conversation and dialog and the nephrologist, because, frankly, ladies, it wasn't the cancer that was going to take her in that moment. It was the fact that her sodium level had bottomed out because of the cancer. So the nephrologist comes in and says, Hey, we've got to take a figure out how to how to address this symptom of your cancer. But I just want to know, ladies, how do we get this far? And he pulls up a chart, isolates her sodium, and says, look at the last nine months of her blood work. You've done the right things. Miss Adams, you've you've stepped in and asked the question how? And he asked the question three times, and I finally said, Dr Ruiz, I just have to stop you in no disrespect. Don't ask that again, because if you don't know the answer, I'm telling you, we've asked multiple times. That wasn't our job. That was the professionals. Yeah, that's the truth. And so where do we go from here? Was what we needed to focus on. It was feels a little bit Blamey, feel Blaney, like I see you smiling. Going, like, how? Why did it take so long? I'm like, I don't know. I think an MD degree and numerous years experience and, oh, wait, I don't have that. So where did the system fail us? And because the system does, the system is not necessarily set up to succeed. And this is where we talk about, like you have to advocate, and you have to press, press, press, and you know, and you have to ask, why can I do this scan? And can we do this scan, and you almost wonder, Why am I telling you, asking you about clinical interventions when I am not a medical professional. Absolutely, absolutely, I must ask so many times, nurses, doctors, you sure? No medical background? No. She's the nurse. What you see is a woman who loves her mama, but I have no idea about any of this. I need you to do your job and help me do my job as being her daughter and then caregiver well, and I'm going to keep asking, and I'm going to keep asking, and I'm going to keep asking. And so we went from that day in January through the rest, with me continuing to press in and ask and advocate, because when someone gets a diagnosis, which eventually becomes, yes, it is stage four, she chose to do six rounds of chemo along with immunotherapy. When I tell you that my mother threw six rounds, never threw up once to copy the glory, but she was exhausted. A Trooper, threw it all and fought the good fight. I watched her get smaller. I watched her just be so tired, and not the feisty woman that I knew and loved, but continue to fight through that, of course, all I could do was advocate for her, even on the days that neither one of us wanted to be in the same room. So tell me about because you're talking about your mom and and everything she went through. And it's so hard to say this, because for anyone like Jason had cancer, and for our mom has Parkinson's, doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, the person who is experiencing it will have a different experience. And I will staunchly stand my ground and say. I feel it is equally hard, in a different way, to watch your loved one go through something this terrible. You feel so helpless, and that's it. And so that's the word, like, I can't do a damn thing. Excuse me be and and I feel helpless, and then I get all the emotions. This is when all the emotions come out and I get mad, oh, and I get frustrated. And these are so tell me about what's going on with you at this point. And, oh, you still had a job, right? Because, not like you lived in the same city, didn't live. Thank you for the pandemic and all this lovely technology. Yeah, I was still working. Mama was on the other side of the wall. I took over her dining room, and that became my office. And I can fix this. I'm a fixer. I can't fix cancer, but I can certainly make it better for her, and those days, Nat helpless was so much of a roommate that I didn't want, that lived in that space continuously. Of I couldn't get the meals right. I couldn't get the timing right. I couldn't get the pain medication we couldn't regulate. I am monitoring and counting ounces of water because of trying to work on this whole kidney thing that was, couldn't get any of it right, but I knew that I had poured into enough lives that surely the support would be there for me. I can't leave the house the way that I would like to. People kept telling me, make sure you get sleep, you eat and you go for a walk. Where do I put any of that? I'm watching a baby monitor. Mind you, I've never had any children, so this baby monitor sits at the side of my head, and every so I'm sleeping like a baby, I'm up every two hours. That's what I'm doing, watching and waiting for the next need, or when she cries out. And so in the midst of that, surely someone's going to come along. When I raise my hand and say, Hey, can you just come hang out in the garage with me? Because I can still be close enough. And it's not that none did. Tammy was there, but she's now worn out, and she's watching her bonus mom go through this, and her own emotion people that I thought, Hey, I've been there. I stepped it nowhere to be found because they were scared. I'm like, you know, cancer isn't contagious, right? You know what to say or how, just be, just be as a caregiver. That was the thing. Can Can someone just come along and be and please don't try to necessarily fix it? I know that that's what I was trying to do. I don't have the right words. I don't need words. I just need not feel alone. I don't need to sit in this with my mind spinning over what's I just and that was something that there were relationships that stepped up, that I didn't even think existed anymore, and there were others who I put such hope and faith and concrete solid in that to this day, haven't returned, that threw me into a tailspin of, is this cancer? Yeah, is this how it manifests itself outside of the person who actually has the disease? Yeah, it's a different type of cancer. The answer was yes. Oh yeah, yeah. It is a cancer of your relationships. I think that you you said the harsh reality, and this is the truth. It is the harsh reality for us as well. You say the relationships haven't returned. The relationships haven't returned for us either. And I think there is shame involved with it, or the individual that they now don't know how to even start having the conversation. And there's part of me that is like, and I can tell you, for Jason, Jason's like, I'm not going to reach out to you. I refuse to reach out like, and you think about it, because you know, we are called to forgive. We are called to forgive, but that's a hard one. That's a hard one. There's and that is, you know, he's it is because I've encouraged and said and I wonder about that. It is the harsh reality that no one thinks about the impact of caregiving, of the relationship, and the loss that you experience, not just the loss of your mom at some point, but the loss of the relationships and the disappointment in others that we thought we had meaningful relationship and they couldn't hold up their end of the bargain. Do you know what I mean? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I say it often I can do 90% of a relationship. I can't do it 100% of the time, and this was my space to only carry 10, and some days carry none, and I just knew that that community of meaningful relationships was going to come alongside. And again, let me celebrate those who did and those who blew my. Box away. But wow, did it put in perspective those other relationships that apparently were a facade and that you're right the whole point of that shame, and so I have stepped into that space now. You know, two and a half years after diagnosis later, what can I do? What's my responsibility and letting those others know, don't, let's, let's not let cancer take anymore. But like Jason, I'm done. I've left the door open, I've I've said, you know that hurt. I'm not going to tell you. It's okay. We often say fine. Feelings inside not expressed. It's not fine how that played out, but let's take it from here and move forward, because I never want to feel like that again. And so there have been some who have put their toe back in the water and want to trust is she just bringing me in to smash me down? But there are those who just have not come back, and I guess that's what we call a seasonal and I have to be okay with that. You know, I do agree. People are I'm going to take a break, but people are meant to come in and out of their out of your life, like, you're right. I really believe God puts people in, in and out of your lives exactly from what they're meant to be. Like, it like I will be in your life the exact amount of time I'm supposed to be there. And I will experience disappointment. I will experience joy. I will experience the good and the bad. And it's that's tough, man, this is what. This is the tough part. Oh yeah, human so because God's like, he's got more than we do. But okay, I'm gonna take a quick break and Jay, then we'll come right back. If you like confessions, we have another podcast we'd love to recommend the happy, healthy caregiver podcast with Elizabeth Miller as a fellow Whole Care Network podcaster. We love how Elizabeth chats it up with family caregivers and dives into their caregiving and self care strategies, just like us. Elizabeth believes that family caregivers are the experts in caregiving. Beyond the informative conversations, Elizabeth reveals the tried and true resources and practical self care tips that empower caregivers to prioritize their health and happiness. You can find the happy healthy caregiver podcast wherever you download your favorite podcast, or go to the website@happyhealthycaregiver.com everybody. We are back here with Wendy Adams, and we are talking about the loss of relationships during a diagnosis, some people that step out of your lives, and some people that step up, which is very true. I have maybe a hard question, but it's something I deal with pretty constantly. So you you talked about the days that you and your mom liked each other, and then there were those days sometimes that you weren't so keen on one another. I know my relationship with mom, we were very close growing up. My mom was young when she had me, and so we were besties. You know, you can kind of look at our life like that, but there are days that I could probably even now, you know, with Parkinson's and me just being in there with her, I'm like, I could, I'm gonna kill her. There's murder one, and I'm gonna say justified, yeah. And Mom, if you know, it was the day that she called me 17 times in like 30 minutes, I was like, Mom, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take you out in a minute. But there were those frustrations. Can you talk to me about that, Whitney, and how you deal with those? But more importantly, we have so many people that listen and they don't think those are okay. And what we want people to know is that's okay. You know, my love and my I'm gonna kill you, those can exist at the same time and and honestly, it does every day. We just don't, we don't really talk about it. It kind of stays up here when you're in it. And so, yes, like, JJ, the day that will be embedded. There are two, right? That'll be embedded in my mind. When I mentioned earlier, I couldn't I cook. I love to eat. It takes a lot to keep this going. I think the dude we talked about Thanksgiving, I know what I'm doing. I couldn't get it right, because the taste buds were off. That's right? Yeah, I couldn't get the timing right, because I couldn't do it immediately, like in the moment she wanted it. And so we had gotten to that space. She's about halfway through her treatments. She's on the other side of the wall. I've got alarms set to make things happen, and it's just nothing. I couldn't do one thing right that day, not one, mind you, I hadn't eaten a thing, and I brought the meal to her, and it was Goldilocks, too hot, too cold. I couldn't get it just right, yeah. And I said, I don't know what else to do. I'm trying to help, and I'm at the edge in the end. And she goes, You know what? It's just. And I don't want you here. Oh, trust McCain right in there. I don't want to be here. If any neighbors, they're like, We don't know what's going on. Yeah, cuz Ain't nobody calling in anything on her. She's sick. I'm supposed to keep it together. And that was it. There was this underlying you've got to keep it to. What does that even mean? And that was the day that I recognized I'm not doing this. I can't be the one who's holding all of this. Yeah, the guilt that came. She's dying, like we're working through what and trusting God for literally miracle. We started calling her Lazarus, like this is where we're at Jesus. But in that time and space, how can I have that conversation and say to my mom, I don't want to be here, and that's all I want, is for her to be here and for us to be together, but it was, it was okay, because it released and allowed me to not lose my mind and to continue the journey with her. So not only is it okay, it's the right thing to do. You gotta feel, feel. We are emotional beings. Now we walk through that and there was great apology and a whole lot of tears, not even in that same day, right? But we had to get that out. Really, what we were saying is we didn't want to be here with camps. That's it time for her to go. She wasn't going, but that was what we that's who we were yelling at, that's who we were angry with, that's who was bringing the divide, yeah, and we had to be able to call it out, yeah, the common enemy is the cancer that that is the common enemy. But when you but it's very clear, because Jason and I had a day six, I call it day six, when I told him that I hated him, and he had pushed me so hard, and then I called my sisters and was like, I am the worthless, terrible person in the whole entire universe. And I felt so terrible. But because you had relationship, you knew I'm gonna repair this. You both knew we have to repair it like that's So absolutely, absolutely and that takes us where we started this right? We began this journey, 49 at that point, 47 years earlier. Yes, that is exactly what we knew, which takes me to the second day. And I talked about mama being on the other side of the wall. I'm sitting at my desk at this high top table, much like where I am today, plugging along eyes at half mass because I've had two hours worth of sleep, and all of a sudden I hear I turn around, and she's behind me, sitting in the dining at the dining room table. Oh my gosh, did you call me? Did I miss something? Do you need something? No. Will you just talk to me? She had enough strength that day, that moment to get up, come around, I'm just lonely. Oh, ladies, I stayed up till three o'clock that morning to get everything done that I had to get done, but that two and a half hours that I spent with my mom at the table is the reason that I'm doing what I'm doing today. Why cultivate for good even is a thing. My mom was a nurse for 47 years. Wow. That is one of the most stable professions you can ever have. I'm an entrepreneur. When I left college and told her I was going to be an event planner, she's like parties. That's not a job. What are you doing? I need you to have stability. My a real job, like, No, but I'm working with businesses and this and that and marketing. And she goes, I don't understand, but, and then when I went into fundraising, okay, she had a heart for philanthropy, but what is all this traveling to talk to people, and they just give money? I don't understand. Well, I'm like my gift for Gab, it now works for good. All of that to say she just didn't we were walking different paths in that two and a half hour conversation because she had been on the other side of the wall for eight months. She said, I get it now I understand. And this was the best I think it's time for you to branch out and do that side hustle. How do you even know what that word is? What are you talking about? She said it's time for you to do your own thing. Be prepared. Transition. Well, she gave me permission in a place, in a space that was not hers, like she didn't know you get a job. You say, in the same place that is what's propelled me to where I am. And so you have both of those days that contrast. But if I'm not there for that 11 months, I don't have any of that. And I'm not who I am sitting here today. It's always say, God puts us in the places it makes us uncomfortable for a reason. Mm, and he's definitely made JJ and I and Emily exceptionally uncomfortable. Had more conversations about things that we never thought we would. And in the last and it's only been two years, it feels like it's been in the sense of like after Jason, but our mom has been five years it's been. Feels like it's an eternity, like we've been doing this forever and but he really has bigger plans, and you have to trust those plans. And yes, it's hard. That is hard, and it's not just for us, ladies, what you're doing, what we're doing here today, we don't walk through anything just for us, right? Yeah. How can we support someone else? And that's the whole purpose of the podcast, to say you're not alone. And isn't it interesting, the symbolism of the wall your mom's on one side, you're on the other side. It's very symbolic of a divide, and your mom kind of crossing over to say, let's just, let's spend I feel alone, and it's so true, because I think this is the biggest thing is that even in a group of people, I can feel exceptionally alone. That's what it's really hard for people. You see all these people around you, I can think about when I was in New York City the most isolated, the most alone. You know, I think, I know we're getting close to our end, and there's a one thing that I really, I really wanted to hit on, was, as you got closer to the end of what the hospice nurse said to you, I want you to and you say that the hospice nurse reminded me of a truth and a gift that I will never forget. What did she say? Ever, ever. When you hear the word hospice, it evokes all types of feelings. I learned that it doesn't mean it's the end, but in this case, that's what we were walking towards. But how to do it well. That's that I'm all about finishing well. And I had no experience in this space. This beautiful hospice nurse said to me, as we're walking through this booklet that says you'll see these signs at this time and these signs at this time. And I'm a preparation girl, so Okay, she said, Wendy, now let's put the book aside. I want to let you know I have been watching you and your mom now for a number of weeks, and I can feel very confident to tell you that when you came into this world, I am quite certain that your mom's face was the first that you recognize, even if you didn't know who she was. And based on what I have seen between the two of you, and I've been doing this a long time. I feel confident that yours will be the last space that she sees before she leaves this earth. And boy, was that a heavy lift. It laid heavy when I heard it as special as it was, and I kind of tucked it away and said, Am I ready? Do I want that? Sure. I mean, if that's where we're going, of course. But and I battled, and we were about three weeks out at that point in time, I didn't know time and day, but when the 24th of November rolled around, which, by the way, ladies was thanks, seems appropriate, now that we know about Thanksgiving. Now, yes, I walked in to give her her next set of pain medication two days prior, she had not opened her eyes, so weak, so tired. I adjusted her body. She sounded a little bit more comfortable, and that's exactly what I said, Mama. I think we finally found a spot where you don't sound so labored in your breathing. Her eyes popped open, as bright as I'm looking at you. She didn't say a word, but those eyes said it all. She said, Thank you. She said, You'll be okay. She took the biggest breath, two small breaths. She closed her eyes, I was the last face that she saw, and the next face was Jesus. I am quite privileged for that. And in all the hard and the screaming and can't get it right, I would not have given up that 11 months for anything, my mom was a lot of things, a lot of great things. One of the spaces that we could have, and she did work on, but constantly, was that space of worry we talk about the fact of me being an adult, moving on new states and this and that, that woman worried. She worried. She stopped watching the news, stop and please, stop calling me to tell me what it said. I get 30 minutes in the morning, 30 minutes at night. I'm good. So this right here, we talked about some wrinkles. She always had the brow because she was always concerned. And I'm telling you 24th of November, 2022 at 1:32am, when those eyes opened and then closed, it was clear. And as.

JJ: 45:00

Smooth, there was not a worry to be seen. And I take that and remember that, and it continues to speak into and caregiving has continued for me and in different senses and but I that's a lesson that I continue to take with me and a gift that I was able to be that last face Man that feels good. You know, I always, I hope, I hope for anyone that is the that is the path that we get to have, like it's such to have that, because that's comfort, that's comfort, and I think it's as comforting for your mom as it was, you know what I mean for you? Because, I mean, that was her last gift to you. I look at that as it wasn't you to her. It was her gift to you, and that acknowledgement, because it's kind of like Governor Shriver said, he goes, we didn't I didn't need her to recognize me verbally. He goes. He talked about his wife, Elaine, who had Alzheimer's and dementia. She just, we just knew our hearts just touched and that that's the that's that's where the those things, those are the glimmers in all the hard and all the impatience and guilt and frustrations and why me and I didn't sign up for this, and that's hard, and I know for all of for listeners who don't have the best relationship that wish they had something different, find the glimmer. Find it for yourself. Yes, absolutely, absolutely that gift of closure. We talked about the relationships that are broken. I'm telling you as we still have breath in our lungs and we can interact and talk to each other, make sure that you have you take those opportunities and they're hard, but to let folks know who they are to you tell them what you need. As a caregiver, we've got to be able to speak out. This is what I need, and this is how I need it. If I could just give that piece of advice, ladies, I live in the south in Virginia. I grew up in Florida. Soup was not a big thing in Florida. It's hot all the time here. If you want to comfort somebody, you bring them soup. I don't. I don't really like soup. There are things that I and how many more casseroles. So when I made it very clear, yes, I need food, but not this.

Unknown: 47:34

Here's Can I get some french fries? Sister loves some french fries. Can you just bring me the waffle fries from Chick fil A. Tell people what you really want. It is Jesus's chicken though. Hey man, okay, well, I'm gonna tell you, I know we've got a touch over sorry, but this is just so much words of wisdom packed into this just a thing. It's just such a privilege. I'm going to try to stretch it a little longer. Jay, we, I know we, we always we have to do sister questions a little quicker. So Jay, what's your sister question for our newest sister? Tell me one step that you've taken, because it's not been that long since your mom passed. And I think even with our Debbie, and go on the number of years, almost 13 years now, over 13 years now, actually tell me a step that you've taken that has helped you with the grief process. Good, wow. And I know we've got limited time, really, we've touched we've touched on it, and that is, I've never been one to hold back, but to really speak out what I need and not apologize for who I am, right? I'm a lot, but that a lot comes with good, you know? And so there have been those opportunities where I'm like you receive what is, but it comes with both. So just talk to me. You know, those who are in my sphere of influence, just let me know if it's too much, but let's have dialog about it. Let's let's not just say fine. So that's been a big thing for me, is to be able to speak out and recognize grief is not a straight line. I like check boxes. I go to the grocery store if I forgot the bananas, I put them on the list so I could check off the list. I need to check the box. And grief is not that. And so being gracious, that would be the other thing, asking for what, and then being gracious to myself and recognizing I might just cry on a random Tuesday at two o'clock, and that's okay, and if it makes you feel better, sometimes I randomly cry still, and my husband survived. There's because there is the grief of the life that you've lost, the person you've lost, and then there's the grief of the life that you've lost, and you the quicker that. You feel the and I say quicker, but the more that you can recognize that it's okay to have a new normal and that it might here's the thing, what if it's better? What if it's different and better? What if it's different? Good? Why give it? Give yourself permission to have a good life after death or not? Great. Yes. So, Okay, last one, what is your favorite guilty pleasure? What is the one thing that you do for yourself? This is my favorite question. Always get it. It's fine, okay, all right, all right. So my two story home, my downstairs is my diva den. Set up the way that I want. Diva den, you know, who needs a man? Kristen, daukasie, my friend Tammy parks. Diva din, yeah. Diva din, she's been looking to create something. And there we go. There we go. So spending time here. I'm an extrovert. I love people filled up by it, but I've had an appreciation for my own company in this new season. That's something that and so I will spend time in the diva den. Waffle fries we've already talked about, and salted caramel ice cream, because you need the sweet and the savory, because that's me, sweet and savory. I love this. This makes me so happy. It's ugly. How happy I am right now. Okay, I am. The mixture has just left me with desire this morning. Wendy, I don't know, chocolate caramel, salt, caramels, sea salt, dark chocolate, caramels, that has been my

JJ: 51:44

food of choice here lately, for my guilty pleasure. So you know what? Wendy, thanks so much for being with us today. This was so good. You have filled my bucket. Ladies, what a gift. What a bucket, guys, until we confess again, we will see you next time you Kristen

Unknown: 52:02

daukas, well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession again. Thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find a video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you.

Natalie: 52:39

Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out, but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver, have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted, and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC, thank you for listening to the confessions of our reluctant caregiver podcast.