Lead with Love with Kasey Kelly

It was just another day browsing the fishing aisle at a local Walmart when Kasey Kelly had a  chance encounter that led her on a path of strength, sacrifice, and love. She opens up about her husband's deployment and his traumatic brain injury, shedding light on the challenges faced by caregivers in the military community. As a military spouse, she braves the stormy waters of TBI caregiving, battles neglect from the military, discovers her own inner strength, and works tirelessly to create stability for her husband and children despite the trials of traumatic brain injury and post-traumatic stress disorder.

Kasey is a wife, a mom, and a dedicated caregiver. With a background in environmental science and education, she brings a fresh perspective to her caregiving journey. But her life took an unexpected turn when her husband, Stephen, was injured in the line of duty. Since then, Kasey has been by his side, fighting for his care and dealing with the challenges of his TBI and PTSD diagnosis. Her determination and resilience shine through as she shares her story and gives us invaluable insights into the world of caregiving for someone with TBI and PTSD.

In this episode, you can:

• Discover your resilience as a TBI caregiver and find inspiration to navigate the unique challenges you face.
• Gain insights and practical strategies for navigating TBI caregiving situations, allowing you to provide the best care and support for your loved ones.
• Learn the importance of prioritizing self-care as a caregiver and how it positively impacts your ability to care for others.
• Explore the various support systems available specifically for military caregivers, providing a sense of community and resources during your caregiving journey.
• Find joy and fulfillment in everyday activities as a TBI caregiver, learning how to make the most of each moment and create meaningful connections with your loved ones.

About Kasey:

Kasey Kelly hails from Southern California. She pursued her higher education at the Evergreen State College in Washington State, where she earned a Bachelor's degree in Environmental Science and Education. Prior to meeting Stephen, Kasey dedicated her time to serving in AmeriCorps and working within the non-profit sector. She is a proud mother to two boys and a loving pet parent to four dogs, three cats, and a flock of 14 chickens.

Connect with Kasey:

Linked In: linkedin.com/in/kasey-kelly-

Healing Strides: https://www.healingstridesofva.org/

Transcript

Natalie: 0:02

Hey everyone. Welcome to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. We're happy you're here. On the podcast, we're certain that you'll relate to the caregiver stories and find comfort with your honorary sisters. Now, before we start, I want to remind you to go to our website, Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com and sign up for our newsletter. It's full of useful information that you can immediately use. Now, let's learn more about today's guest. Good morning, my beautiful sister.

Unknown: 0:38

Well, good morning, Natalie.

Natalie: 0:40

It's so nice to see you again.

Unknown: 0:42

It is and we've got a great guest today.

Natalie: 0:45

I got a guest, we got a guest and she is like, awesome.

Unknown: 0:49

She is I'm ready to get rolling. Oh, me

Natalie: 0:52

too. You know, I think you just said I'm ready to get rolling.

Unknown: 0:55

I know it. I'm like, this is a good story.

Natalie: 0:58

We don't this is a good story. Don't waste our time with talking about a tree.

Unknown: 1:04

Okay, so, I mean, this is an important series heroes, heroes. And she's got a lot of heroes in her family. So let me tell you. Today, guys, we have Casey Kelly with us and Casey grew up in Southern California. She has a background in environmental science and education and she also has a heart to serve. She served in AmeriCorps and she worked in the nonprofit sector before meeting her husband Steven, we're going to talk about how they met because that's a really fun part of their story. Today, she's a wife. She is a mom to two boys, four dogs, three cats and 14 chickens. And she is a caregiver. Casey says her caregiving journey is slightly ambiguous. Steven was in an IED explosion in 2012. She began advocating for his care as soon as he arrived home from Afghanistan, but did not officially become his caregiver until he was medically retired in October of 2012. In the two years since Casey has worked through Stephens TBI and PTSD diagnosis that mirrors dementia at times, the loss of a tremendous support person and homeschooling her two boys, some interesting distractions that actually keep the family focused. Casey, we are so glad you're here today. Thanks for having me.

Natalie: 2:26

Casey looks at if you get to, you should watch this on YouTube. Because Casey looks so beautiful today. We are not spending much

Unknown: 2:37

time I don't get to dress up very often. So yeah, we're gonna we're gonna be posting like Casey everywhere because we're like, wow. And she's a caregiver. She has all these people that she's responsible for, and all these things that she does, and we're like, wow. So she's pulled together. So we are ready. So we would be remiss, starting any of this. By not letting you tell the background, we're not going to jump forward. This time, we're going to say we must hear about you and your husband, and how this story all started. So Steven and I met while he was playing third wheel on it on a pity date. I didn't want to go on. My girlfriend's had to push me out the door. I was that against going to see this guy. And he asked me to meet him in the local Walmart. Oh, wow. Yeah. In the fishing section. Yeah. Right. And he was toting Steven with him. So that's how we met. And Steven knew how absolutely uncomfortable I was with this guy. I didn't want to be around him. And he just made me laugh the entire night. And I was, you know, into that. I was like, Yeah, I think I found him. Any one of the third one?

Natalie: 4:04

I knew found your last or no was Steven Steven was in the military at that point. Wasn't he

Unknown: 4:09

just joined. So this was his first duty station. He had just arrived. He had only been there for a month. Where were you guys? Washington state. So we were I was going to school in Olympia. I was going to Evergreen. And he was stationed at Fort Lewis McChord. Okay. And he's from upstate New York. So how? Yeah, so opposite sides of the country, Southern California, the more the most southern you can get, you know, Northern New York, how the two of us met in the most random place, Washington state of all places, and then eventually ended up in Virginia. So that's good. I

Natalie: 4:50

know. Because Virginia is for lovers. That's true. But you know, but you guys were puppies too. When you met right? You were In How old were you?

Unknown: 5:02

25. Both of us are. Yeah,

Natalie: 5:04

we were babies. They were puppies.

Unknown: 5:06

I mean, in the in the military world, we were old. But

Natalie: 5:10

yeah, that's true because your most your enlistees come in at so that's interesting. He enlisted at what? Then at 2524 24? Yeah. So I have to know, what was the delay? What did he do from 18 to 24 was just messing around in New York living his best life. You don't have to say all the deets but you know, literally messing around. So something happened that he was like, I'm gonna I'm gonna do 2012 Okay, yeah. And

Unknown: 5:39

he actually joined the service to support his kids. So he wasn't, yeah, so he has children outside of our marriage. And he could not financially support them. Because he didn't have a degree. So he was just like, Okay, what do I do? So I'm going to join the army to make sure my kids are taken care of. They have medical and they have insurance, or well, they have insurance and they have financial financial support. So he did this for his children. Wow.

Natalie: 6:11

That's interesting. And I'm gonna tell you, I'm sure he's not the first.

Unknown: 6:16

No, no, no, but I think what an incredible Yeah, what an incredible gift. You know, like, I'm sitting here thinking like, that's very giving and very self, you know, you know, selfless

Natalie: 6:30

that Casey, I would agree, as well. And there's a little bit this because this story is interesting, because keep going. So you guys get married after dating for how long? Six months? Yeah, waiting. You guys are gonna have to watch this on YouTube. Because she just shrugged her shoulders. It was really cute. She's like,

Unknown: 6:49

Yeah. And then I guess when you you know, when you know, you know? So it was kind of like, why wait. And in the in the military things move quickly in relationships.

Natalie: 7:00

Yeah, literally, somebody said that yesterday, similar kind of thing. And ours. So the baby sister, we're sorry, Emily wasn't able to be here. And so same for her. I mean, she had known her husband, she was married to the Air Force. And I always joked that she was Air Force. And so but you're right. Military moves fast. And I think that's for, for our listeners, you know, this is like, important to know, if you don't know someone like it is a fast paced life, and unpredictable life as streamlined. So you all met, and then you got married after six months. And then what happened?

Unknown: 7:41

Many deployed to Afghanistan just a few months after that. Yeah. The day before he went to Afghanistan, we found out that we were pregnant with our first first baby. Yeah, yeah. So it was crazy. Wow.

Natalie: 7:56

I'll say this, because people won't know this. Emily was pregnant with Owen while her in Emily. Emily has an ex husband while her ex husband was deployed. I wish him was here to say that she because she would be like, girl,

Unknown: 8:11

right? I know. There's so many women that go through it. I was lucky. I was lucky that he got to come home, a captain had given up his space for him to come home so he could be home for the birth of the baby. Wow. So we are the luckiest in some terms, you

Natalie: 8:29

know, it ebbs and flows. And so you're, you're pregnant. And because I because I'm like, I get some hurt Casey story a little bit before. And so that's why I'm so excited because we could just dive deeper. So you're pregnant during this time? And who's your support? I mean, because who's your son,

Unknown: 8:49

they wouldn't be back to Southern California. Okay. My mom was pretty much my support system. I had my siblings there. But I was back in my mom's home, putting a baby bassinet together in the room I grew up in thinking, I'm going to have a baby and I'm going to be pretty much like a single mom, there's no way my my husband is going to come home for the birth. So I'm thinking I'm gonna have this baby in California. And that's gonna be it. And that is not what happened at all. I literally got a call and I was told, if you can be in Washington in 20 and 72 hours, we'll send him on a plane home. So

Natalie: 9:31

what happened? So what why, why do we have to get back to Washington? Because

Unknown: 9:36

that's his duty station. Okay, so I left the duty station to be with family to get support while he was pregnant. So going back was the only way that they would send him forward. They always say sending forwards so that that's the only way that they would that they would send him home. And so I had to my best friend jumps in the car with me and drives me because I'm too big to get behind a steering wheel. And my best friend drives me all the way back to Washington. So he that is they were sending him home because of he had been involved in the ID explosion, correct? No, no, no. Yeah, have him in Afghanistan. So I was about five to six months pregnant when he was in the IED explosion. July 22 2012. He was in the IED explosion. We'd only been married goodness, for a few months, like only not even a year. And I got a phone call and it was him. Normally, it's supposed to be the military calling you. And so I get a phone call. Are you sitting down? And I'm like, Oh, God, Oh, God. And I'm thinking, okay, he's alive because he's talking to me. Right? But what's gonna happen who from his squad is gone? What happened? And he goes, Are you sitting down? Is your mom next to you? And I'm like, and my mom looks over at me. And she goes, Oh, shit. Sorry.

Natalie: 11:12

Keep going. Keep going. So

Unknown: 11:15

he then goes, I was in an IED explosion today. And they think I have a TBI. I can't be on the phone very long. Can you call my mom and dad? And then he said, I love you. And he hung up the phone?

Natalie: 11:27

Wow. Yeah. Like if you want to know how caregiving starts. It's in that second. It's in the because people think it's like the activity. It's in that second, that split second of something significant. And it's different for everybody. But it was the same way Jason walked in how to go. They think I have cancer. In that moment. Your life changes, and you are five months pregnant?

Unknown: 11:54

Yep. So of course, my mom's looking at me going, put your feet up, do something, do not bring that stress onto that baby. Because that's really important. And I'm like, Oh, my God, then I get a call a couple of weeks later saying this is the United States Army, your husband's been an explosion. And I'm sitting here going, Oh, my God again. So I'm losing my mind thinking, Oh, my God, he's been in another IED explosion. But he hadn't. He had just been, they just took forever to notify me.

Natalie: 12:25

So I want to make sure I'm clear. I gotta get my storyline straight here for a second. He calls you in July, July 22. And he says, you get 60 seconds equivalent is what it probably felt like, you get no real information. And then the military calls a couple of weeks later. Is there any conversations with him in between? Because he's still You said he was in Afghanistan is there are sessions with him in between the later notification, just FYI, in case you didn't realize your husband was an explosion?

Unknown: 13:00

Yeah. So we got to actually while he was in the hospital during we got to talk all the time, which was rare, because he hadn't been we hadn't been able to communicate. So he actually spent his birthday which was the day after he was blown up in the hospital. So he goes the Army gave me a birthday present. And, you know, yeah, but he got to see, we got to actually video call a few times when he got to the MWR. Okay. So we were keeping in contact and then they released him back to duty two weeks later. Okay. So he was they diagnosed the TBI that they said possible TBI. He had some abrasions. He had bit his tongue. And so he had a hole in his tongue. So they waited until all of that healed he had that's when he that side of the vehicle where he hit, he hit his knee. So they said possible TBI. And then they were like, Okay, well done. And they sent him back to and he he spent another six months in Afghanistan. Okay. So you get the call. And you go back to Washington, I'm assuming. And the baby has been born. Your first son has been born. Yep. So yeah. So he comes well, he made it home. He made it home for the birth. Right. So yeah. And a few weeks later, I just noticed I'm like, something's not right. Okay. We lived in an awful little house. You know, as you always do, you know, you live in an awful apartment or an awful little house when you first get it. It gets started. We just lived in this terrible teeny tiny little house. And we brought Harrison our oldest home. And we have neighbors who had this really awful loud party. And Steven they were sued they shot off some fireworks Hmm. And Stephen crawled under the bed. And I was like, it's fireworks. And then we had a really bad windstorm. And he stood over our son to try to protect him, drenched in sweat panicked thinking that he was back in Afghanistan with a baby. And so he was, like, hiding our son trying to trying to protect him. And that's when I knew. I was like, something's not right. So that's when it started Casey like this, this journey, because Stephens not out until 2021. So he's still active duty. So you have a child, you have a new baby. During this time, you all also have another son. But what is the symptoms progress? Because where Stephen is now, when we've talked he is he's progressed to where the symptoms are. They almost mimic dementia. And so how has this? How has he progressed? What's going on with you? Because you're he's in the military, you're caring for two kids. Tell us about that. That space? What's going on with you? Are you working? So I worked I worked on and off getting stable work for a military spouse is extremely difficult. Exactly. Yeah, our higher rate and unemployability rate is so much higher than the national average. So and it's because nobody wants to hire anybody who won't be there long term. Right? So you know, I can go into a job. I have a degree. I could go I, you know, I've worked in in industry, so I have experience, and I was always told no. And the reason why was because it was like once you get the hang of things, once you're in it, you're gonna move. Yeah. So it was okay by career. So, yeah, I remember running a daycare inside my home when I lived on a military installation, hated that. We'll never do that ever again. I've worked with kids before, but it was just it wasn't it wasn't a good situation. So and then I did a lot of I did a lot of contracting. Okay, so what I could get to scrounge up a little bit of something, but it wasn't, it wasn't a lot. So we're living on one income. But Steven progressed, his progress, or his progression was the army never did any follow up. So their policy is to rescreen when they come back into country. So they're supposed to be doing screenings when these guys come back. And, unfortunately, Steven fell through the cracks. And so I'm the only one sitting here begging, saying something's not right. Somebody please help him. Yeah, something's not right. But out of fear. He's just masking and masking and saying I can get through this. If I can just get through the day. I'm fine. I mean, there are climbing under the beds. When our neighbors are playing. They're really loud surround sound. And in the military, they're townhomes. So you're attached. So you when your walls, skiing and your husband's under the bed and what you do. So that's the hard part about military life, too. So he would start he started in Washington State, getting help and saying, I need help. I'm so angry. Okay. And so he'd started started counseling, and then they move us. For the army. A lot of families only averaged three years, we averaged two.

Natalie: 18:51

Okay. So

Unknown: 18:53

he came back from Washington. Harrison was six or seven months old. And we were at the next duty station. So we went to Kansas. We were there in Kansas for two years. And he went back to the Middle East. He went to Kuwait and was afraid you were gonna say he was going to ask if he was deployed again. Yep.

Natalie: 19:14

Well, but if there's nothing that there's nothing wrong, but let me ask you this. I mean, you said he went back to Kuwait, but like, what are the things that you're like? Because I want to make sure like, these are the things that are important because if they especially if this mimics dementia, or that what these doesn't even matter, it's, he's got up. He's got PTSD, probably. Well, I know what he has PTSD. And so he was I'm assuming he was undiagnosed PTSD. Yes, we know he had a TBI but that was pretty much the limit. He goes to a clinician to seek therapy. Some What are you doing like as a as a caregiver because you're dual role. You're not just wife at this point. How are you helping him to manage the symptoms or or, honestly, it sounds like to mask hide or to dampen the symptoms as much as possible because I know you're you're at that point you're caregiving for him wives of military folks, or spouses of military folks are absolutely caregiving to them, because they've got it's a different type of job experience.

Unknown: 20:20

Alright, so I honestly didn't know much about the TBI. I thought it was mostly PTSD. So I was just, can you please, please go get help, please go get help. And because I'm sitting here begging him to get help, because I know something's not right. I know, he's triggered. I know, there's things that are aren't happening. I'm just begging for help at this point. And I'm begging him to get help, because he's terrified that if he gets any formal counseling, that he'll be kicked out of the service. Gotcha. So

Natalie: 20:55

there is there is definitely stigma around mental health and service. And indeed, you see on any medications. Yes.

Unknown: 21:05

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's typically

Natalie: 21:07

there's medications are from from my understanding is this is historical records now are not placed to place an individual experience. We're not wanting I want to make sure we're not implying that this is status quo. We're just saying this is Casey's experience.

Unknown: 21:25

Yes. Oh, yeah. He when he started taking medication, and so we went from Washington to Kansas. In Kansas, he did start counseling, they actually come to find out years later, they wanted to start processing it processing him for a medical retirement then, okay. No, we did not know. So it was a doctor later, years later, who was going through his medical history, who said, I see that they were trying to start the med board process then. And they kept him in the army for six more years. Wow. So he was being seen at the TBI clinic in Kansas. And nobody told us he was in the TBI clinic in Kansas. They just said it was regular counseling. So when he came down when he left and went to Kuwait, for another nine month deployment, when he came back from Kuwait, we immediately got orders to Alaska. So there was no continuation of care. There's no continuity of care. Right? So that got dropped because we were gone. And it wasn't like the doctors were like, hey, Alaska, you need to med for this guy. So we get to Alaska, and things get really hairy. So I got pregnant again, in Alaska. Well, I got pregnant in Kansas, we lost that baby. And then we get to Alaska, and we get pregnant again, with Byron the dragon. And, and then he actually was like, I can't do this anymore. So he's aggressive, angry, just hating the world. And a lot of that got taken out on me. It was, and of course, because who's the only one saying please get help? I just I love you so much. Please get help. Yeah, it's me. You know, there was a lot of resentment that was built up because it was like, stop, I'm fine. I'm fine. And it was like, You're not fine. And I just want you to be healthy. And while we were in Alaska, I mean, the meds you know, if you're taking PTSD meds and you have a traumatic brain injury that affects your brain chemistry. Right. And TBI meds are more suitable when you have a TBI. So I got my my uncle actually contacted me and was like, Hey, I wrote this paper, about the mill, about the military, and about how there's a lacks on screening for traumatic brain injuries. And it sounds like what you're going through is exactly what I wrote this about. So I was like, send it. So I remember reading it and going, Oh, my God, he has a TBI. And so it was like, Okay, this isn't a much more severe TBI than we all thought, you know, we thought this is just, you know, it's fine. But it was more I was at the more research I did about traumatic brain injuries. I was like, This is what the problem is this, he's irritable. He's got, you know, he's impulsive. So it was like, okay, all of these symptoms match versus PTSD. And that's hard because they mirror each other. But with PTSD, through counselling and therapy, and some medication, you can get better with traumatic brain injury. The way that it was explained to me that I could really understand is, you know, you have a bridge that you go over every day. When you have a trauma, and when when trauma happens to the brain, that bridge is disintegrated. So there is no more pieces. You can't pick anything up. There's no more bridge. It's gone. Right? And so that's where the real advocation on my part started where it was like, Okay, you need help, help. And that was the first time that he actually in in Alaska, he got medication, which you're right. He was berated for that by his chain of command. It was not good. It was it was really, it was really intense in Alaska as much as we loved the place. Yeah, were what we were going through, this was not easy. And in an overseas duty station, and they consider Alaska overseas. You're only there for three years. That's it, period. The day that you're over, you're gone. So we finally get you know, we finally get this under control. We finally started getting him the right medication, we finally start talking to people who are like, Okay, this is happening. And luckily, they had sent him to an outpatient program in Washington State, where it all happens. But those doctors notice like, Okay, this isn't PTSD, this guy, something's wrong. And then we get orders again.

Natalie: 26:26

So at what year is that? What year is that? If you don't mind?

Unknown: 26:30

I'm sorry, seven or eight. It's all it all gets really blurry. That's okay. So, um, you know, yeah. So we get to, we start getting ready to leave in 2020. The year that everybody you know, hates hearing about. So we start leaving 20 Our 2019 Getting ready to move. We literally just missed all the crazy, the crazy stuff is traveling. So we we we didn't get COVID as we traveled, and we got to Fort Sill, Oklahoma. And that's where like the really dark side happened. And you through all the all the COVID shutdowns and restrictions and everything else and doctors not listening to him at that point where he's like, I think I have a TBI. I think my wife was right. I think I have a TBI. He gets a TBI screening and the doctor goes Haha, yeah, you've got a TBI. So thankfully, the doctor was like, Yeah, this is happening. And then he gets a new medications doctor. And that doctor is a godsend. That's the doctor who was like some things wrong. But before that, right before that, he had an episode and he attempted suicide. So that was a really and it was a brother in arms that saved him. an EMT who just happened to have been a former service member showed up. So cuz I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. So I called 911. Because I was like, I need help. So thank goodness, like an EMT showed up. And he was a brother in arms. So can you see we keep we're talking about at because he's hate Stephen. Is that part of the story? But you have this spouse here. There's an AI here like the anger the outbursts they hiding under the bed. You guys have been moved. Where are you? And now you have you have two kids. Physically not location, not location.

Natalie: 28:38

Where are you? Yeah,

Unknown: 28:39

because now please. Yeah, he's, yeah, he's attempting suicide now. And I mean, are you thinking how are you? Why are you leaving me? Why? What have I not done? Where are you? What's your mindset? Oh, all of that.

Natalie: 28:52

All of it.

Unknown: 28:53

So I'm just sitting here and like, for years, I was pretty much in a state of I felt I felt like I was in The Twilight Zone. Nobody's listening. This is happening. How much more can I do for him? Right now at this point, he hates me because I'm the only one saying something's wrong. So I was in I was in a really bad place. I was actually why a wound up being diagnosed after Byron was born our second son with major depression because I had gone years feeling like I was crazy.

Natalie: 29:29

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Unknown: 30:27

I mean, you know, I, I hiked for a living before I met him. And I went from being extremely active, to completely inactive. So when we got to, when we got to Fort Sill, when everything happened, I think my body had just had enough. And so, I mean, I still have to get up, I still have to take care of two little boys. But it was, I was definitely not in a good place. I had self isolated from, you know, I, I don't fit in, in the normal in the normal sense of the military world. So there was a lot of self isolation, because I didn't, I couldn't find good connections. There are literally two women from the 10 years that he was in the service that I absolutely adore. But we weren't in the same places at the same time to talk to them. So, I mean, I had maybe like one one person to reach out to. And I did go to counseling through all of this. But again, it was sporadic. So no, I was in an awful place. I felt crazy. It took 10 years, 10 years to finally feel like validated, ya know? So it was it was awful. In the information that you gave us, you said you were officially his caregiver in 21. What does that mean? Why do you put that official title on there? Because that's when I, you know, really actually got placed in the role? And when I say 2020? I mean, when I started getting paid to, to care for him. That's fair. Yeah.

Natalie: 32:14

What does that mean? I think that's important, because most civilians are not going to know what you mean. Like when I got paid to care for him. So well.

Unknown: 32:22

Yeah. So we don't we don't qualify through the VA for the caregiver program. That's very, they're going through a lot over there. So I actually get paid to take care of him through the state. Okay. Because Stephen has, you know, so he went pretty much 10 years with a TBI, undiagnosed, well diagnosed, but untreated. And when you don't treat a TBI immediately, things progress in a negative way. Right. Yeah, so you have to rebuild those pathways as soon as possible. So he was he was rudderless for 10 years, and only using the coping skills and coping mechanisms that he had available to him. Right. So when I say officially, it's when things turned a corner when the military was no longer like moving around was no longer an option A, you know, an obstacle when we're finally settled, and can get proper care. And so like I said, I'm paid through the state to give him care, because like I said, he's pretty much like a dementia. He can't remember things. He walked out of the the other day, and I asked if it was okay for me to say this. He walked out of the house just several months ago without pants on. Yeah, so it was like, you never want to be that parent or that not parent, but that you never want to be that partner who's like, Hey, you're missing your dance. So it was, hey, hey, yeah, you walked out the door without something. You want to think about what you're missing. And he was like, I got my head. I got my I got my car keys. And I was like, wow, how old is how old is Steven? Yeah, he's 13. That's my thought. He's 30. So, yeah, and, and being thrust into a role at such a young age. That's hard. Knowing like, this is our life. This is our life.

Natalie: 34:21

This is interesting, Casey, because you all ultimately, he gets discharged, medically discharged, and you all decide to move to Virginia. And that's what it is. And that's because you have family there to be able to provide additional support. But the other thing that's so interesting about this and Jay, we've never talked to anybody about this is you know, we talk about sandwich generation, caregiver caregivers for parents and children, that you're a different kind of sandwich, your spouse and children because your your baby nuggets are still children. Now out. Yes, they're they're still children.

Unknown: 35:03

And they're neurodivergent. So,

Natalie: 35:06

so that makes you double caregiver by the way because caregivers are also identified with as, you know, if they care for individuals who have some level of identified disability because there's more than it's not that there's something wrong with them, it's that there's more than, and it's outside of the traditional, you know, childhood development. And so you're caring for your husband. And I say this respectfully, making sure he's got his pants on because I mean, it technically I'm gonna say, Casey, I'm gonna I'm gonna line up with him on this one. The signs on the store windows only say shirt and shoes. Okay, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna say I've always found that odd that they never required pants. I'm going with this one. So answer optional. And then you've got baby nuggets, sweat always caught kids, baby nuggets in your baby nuggets have different needs. And then that doesn't even count the 14 chickens because you thought why not care for? Like you are like a carrying machine?

Unknown: 36:12

Well, you know, it's actually what he wanted the chickens, but chickens actually chickens. And we also have bees. But chickens and bees help with some levels. So I can send him if I'm having a really hard day with him and he won't calm down, I can say please go talk to the chickens. And it's something in their purring like a cat. But there's something in their purse and their little that, like, suits people. So and if I'm really having a hard time, I tell him to go sit with the bees because the buzzing of the bees is actually a combs. And so it's like Go, go sit with your bees go check on them, leave me alone, and I'm allergic to bees. So that was a pretty big commitment. And that's part of your you know, when I talked about all the different things, you guys are hobby farmers, you are, you're restoring an old farmhouse, you also homeschool, so I'm just like, that is an all but there are all these things, Casey that, you know, you you had a career before you've put into place to try and get a norm back? I mean, I'm just first of all, I'm an all but there are there are a lot of things that that Steven, I guess, you know, we talked about and I know, you know, Steven has we up talk about his symptoms, he has outbursts, there are a lot of different things going on with him. How are you coping with that? To try? And do you guys, you know, go out? Do you know what's marriage look like? Now, I guess is the easy thing, because you guys are you know, late 30s. What's your marriage? What's your normal, your normal? I know, we're 30 we're in our 30s. And it feels like we're in our 60s. Yeah, but so it's hard. It's hard to balance that because you know, it's hard to balance caregiver and wife, and we struggle. But one of the biggest things is healing strides has been a major component in that, when we found them, when I found them, they've just come in and help fill those gaps. They don't just take care of Steven, they don't just take care of me they take care of the boys too. So you know, when I've got I've, I've got the kids taken care of, but they've provided counseling services for our entire family for free. So we've gotten into the, into that room, and it's about learning to better communicate as a family. So that's been essential to our healing, especially as a couple because Steven doesn't translate some of those things that you know, like, Hey, I love you, but you just stacked all of your clothes in a pile. And that's a problem because now I don't know where everything is. I see that you're trying to how, like, maybe we can be successful in a different way. It was so nice, really

Natalie: 39:18

good way like you can be successful in a different way. And you know, here's because for some people you'd be like that sounds condescending. No, not remotely condescending. It's called kindness it when you say it's all about voice inflection and like when you try to help someone because you know it's like the whole the phrase you know never in the history of the history of the world as telling someone to calm down you know when they're not home has ever worked on not calming down and so you have to think about strategies, which is got to be Casey emotionally and physically like got in physical, the emotional roller coaster and kind of juggling of Okay. Stephens up because I'm assuming you're on constant supervision of him to to assess where his moods and where he's at, not just physically but also emotionally. Yeah,

Unknown: 40:15

it's hard to leave him like, I don't feel safe leaving him at home ever. So I rely heavily on my poor little neighbors, whom we've, you know, their their family know, and nanny camps. But it's really it is hard. And one of the biggest things is he's on suicide watch all the time. You know, they ask questions when you're going through the process of becoming a caregiver to just make the small amount of money to help your family. They ask, they'll ask the person with the brain injury. Do you know what happens when there's smoke in a room? And they're supposed to say evil? Yeah, you like it's, it means there's a fire and I should leave. But with someone like Stephen, he may say this a great opportunity to go out just to end it all. And on a bad day, it could be, I'm just not going to leave today. So it's that constant supervision. That's and it's terrifying. And when he's having a bad day there, those are those moments. But that's why, like you said, the way that we talk to each other is so important. Because even with a dementia patient, like even with somebody who has dementia, they want to go outside we are you know, they say I have to go home now, you know, and you are home, but to them, they're in a state where they may think that they're a child again. And they think I've gotta go see Mom and dad and mom and dad are gone. And so, oh, I understand that you want to go home? I really need some help really quick. You know, I need to get you know, I need to get some dishes out. Would you mind helping me with that before you leave? And then, you know, we're now changing the direction and the pattern. So you know, when Steven was without pants, Hey, would you like to come get your wallet before you go? And you know, he's sitting here tapping his legs. And he goes, I don't have pants on.

Natalie: 42:20

Let me ask you this. How does? How does? How does it affect the boys? How has this affected the your relationship with the boys his relationship with the boys, because I would say at some level, they are also puppy caregivers, they support him as well. They've learned his they've learned him as well. And they support it, you know, you're not making them be a caregiver or whatever. But they are

Unknown: 42:48

they are. It's hard because I want them to be children. I want them to experience everything that a child can and I want to shield them from a lot of this. But what I can say about my boys, especially after this loss that we've experienced their level of compassion I've never seen in children their age before. Harrison is a bit harder, Harrison got to experience a lot of the military. Right? So Harrison has a little more anxiety. He's a little he's a little more cautious. Whereas Byron Byron just tells it like it is he lives his life the way a six year old would live. But Byron can bring down the house with his compaction. This child can step into a room and just say Daddy, I see you're having a bad day you need a hug. And it's just like, and he they're just in the room together and that he just kind of sees the you know, that switch. And he did that, that I love you and need a hug. And Harrison wise beyond his years. So I mean, if if I am at the grocery store and I you know the neighbors have got me, Harrison if the if there's something Harrison's like Mom, Dad walked out the door. Okay, so, it it's definitely terrifying. I don't want my children to be scarred by any of this. But I think we're going in the right direction. Our family is exceptionally close knit. And I think that the best thing about my kids and my family is that we lead with love. So it's never, you know, we get frustrated we fight. But I think the biggest thing is that we always lead with love. You know, it's I love you enough to recognize you're having a bad day. I love you enough to give you the grace and the space to take a minute to breathe and collect your thoughts. And our kids. You know, I'm always terrified that something you know I'm always terrified, we're gonna mess them up. But they are remarkably compassionate. And I'm just thankful for who they are. I don't want to get emotional. No, you're good. I know that, that you were you know, I know that you guys recently lost Steven, step off stepfather, which was, you said, you know, a tremendous support. And I worry about you because you are you have your neighbors for support. Tell me about the support systems that you all have in place, or what's what's missing? And what you feel because I know you're a big advocates, what's missing? And what veterans what? Discharged medically discharged. family members, caregivers, what you all need. You know, it's it's different for each veteran, you know, it's different for each family. I think the biggest thing is connection. And I think we are all missing that. Especially, you know, COVID decimated people's ability to connect. So I think we're all missing that. We've, we've been able to find a lot of that. But I think for me as a caregiver, I don't give myself enough time for me. So giving myself time for spacing, grease, I only get I get an hour pretty much off and and that's spent hugging a horse. So I choose to spend my time literally at healing strides. Is that an hour, that's not an hour a day, that's an hour a week, what it? It's an hour a week,

Natalie: 46:38

so the other 157 hours of the day of the week, because there's 158 hours that on your shift, by the way, your shift hours, and the number of hours per week, but you give yourself an hour and Oh, and you get to sleep sometimes. Right? Yeah, sometimes? Well, I

Unknown: 46:55

mean, he has nightmares. So I

Natalie: 46:57

assume that just thought I'd go ahead and throw that out there. So I really appreciate you know, it's it is it is the plight and it is the commonality that we all have rather it's doesn't matter who your caregiver for it is space and grace for

Unknown: 47:14

ourselves. Yeah. That's hard. It's hard to it's hard because you It also comes with a sense of guilt. Like, it comes with that sense of guilt. If I take this time for myself, what happens if something happens? And so it's it's hard to learn to find a balance, and it's hard to find an out. And when we were working with just a just our counselor, she kept saying, Casey, how can you find you're out. So I have a big gigantic garden that I go. And we've planted, and I go into the cut garden and I stroll through the cut garden and I make bouquets and that's what I do to get to do to breathe. And I have to make sure to vocalize. Okay, Mommy's going into the garden today by herself. So I know that you guys want to be with me. But I'm going to go cut flowers for typically the barn for healing strides by myself. And that's how I get it. That's how I get that space. So I'm limited. I don't I don't get as much space as I as I typically need. But I do. They know I they knew I take timeouts to Mommy's taking a timeout, and I'm gonna go and watch a movie on my phone. On my phone. I feel like we could talk to JJ

Natalie: 48:39

I feel like we talked to Casey for like 10 years. Like, there's so much and it's so I mean, you've set yourself up in this environment. You know where you live, you live in rural southwest Virginia. That's where I'm from. That's how I met Casey. And you set yourself and you're trying to you've curated it's interesting you're curating the environment to try to support give your husband the best possible environment that supports his needs. That he probably doesn't even realize and from the flowers to the bees to the chickens to the you know, so you know, with the words that you use, you're always on you are like, You are the reason we did this series like you are the hero Casey, your hero to your husband was your hero too. And so, Jay, we're I want to move on to SR questions. I hate to move on. I want to go out and hang out with the bees be honest with you because there are some days I need some bees for my own mental health. It will lead you to BC.

Unknown: 49:48

So Casey, for some reason you are restoring a 1910 farm house. So your free time so far. favorite project so far? Oh, good wood. That's hard. The hallway probably our hallway. Okay. It's, it's what we fell in love with how we fell in love with the house. So it's a 1950 or 90. It's a 1910. But it's a folk Victorian. And so the staircase has these gorgeous spindles. And we bought this beautiful wallpaper. I'm obsessed with peonies. So I have training wallpaper. So I just didn't I loved. I loved putting that together. And it was an easy project too hard but easy. Immediate Joy once you got it down. You're like my Peonies are up. Yeah, why are we standing there to take pictures? Yeah, we stand in there to take pictures all the time. Right now. It's got witchy tags and candles hanging from the ceiling.

Natalie: 50:59

I support that. I love it. Definitely have to have photos of the house because that would be fun to put along and add into our posts and on the website. Little joy. Here's my question. Here's my big question is what is your favorite guilty pleasure? The thing that you do just for yourself? It's only yours you love it and you're like I'm not sharing this with anybody. It's just me.

Unknown: 51:25

I want I'm there's there's a series on Amazon called Wheel of Time. Yes. And, and that. For me. I kick everybody out and I close the door. And I hang out with my cat. My black cat Max and I lay in bed and watch it together.

Natalie: 51:45

Theories that Netflix is has no clue. I mean there's other streaming stations but Netflix the reality is is Netflix has no clue how much they support caregivers that my favorite is Hallmark. That is my that's my pleasure. And Jason is like, you know, you want me to tell you how it ends and like shut it. Festival. We are I tried to get on the Hallmark Christmas cruise and tuefel ships sold out. And they should have called it the Hallmark Christmas caregiver cruise because I was all about bringing my sweaters to the Bahamas and doing you know hot chocolate stuff. I love it. Casey, thank you so much for being here with us. This was just just giving so much of your most authentic self. You just shared so much and we love you. We love Stephen. We love the boys, the chickens, the bees, the 15 dogs and cats and all that greatness.

Unknown: 52:46

Well, thank you for having Absolutely.

Natalie: 52:48

All right guys until we confess again, thank you so much. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Again, thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You will also find the video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again, till then take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sister's night at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors, or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC. Thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast.