Boundaries, Faith, and Family: Lessons from Jenifer Massie’s Caregiving Journey

From a young age, Jenifer Massie was immersed in a culture of service, beginning with volunteering in her school’s “gramps and grannies” program and extending to caring for her own family members. Her caregiving roles evolved over the years, from supporting her grandmother and great aunt to becoming a “sandwich caregiver” while raising her own children. Jenifer’s approach to caregiving was shaped by her family’s tradition of stepping in where needed, often without formal discussions, and by her deep sense of gratitude and responsibility.

A pivotal chapter in Jenifer’s journey came when her oldest brother was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, and she became part of his care team. This period was marked by emotional vulnerability, profound family connection, and ultimately, her own diagnosis with colorectal cancer just weeks before her brother’s passing. Experiencing both sides of care—giving and receiving—transformed Jenifer’s perspective, teaching her the importance of self-advocacy, setting boundaries, and embracing vulnerability. Her faith played a central role in her healing and resilience, guiding her through the most challenging moments. Today, Jenifer channels her experiences into her professional work, supporting other caregivers and advocating for resources, self-care, and open family communication. Her story is a reminder of the strength found in community, the necessity of self-care, and the enduring impact of compassion.

About Jenifer:

Jenifer Alty Massie, Regional Director BrightStar Care, is a dedicated advocate for compassionate care and community support. A Lynchburg native, she deeply values the strong sense of connection between caregivers, clients, and staff.

Before dedicating herself to raising three children, Jenifer worked as a counselor for runaway and at-risk youth, providing guidance and support during critical times. Over the years, she has also cared for aging and terminally ill family members, gaining firsthand experience in the importance of quality home care.

In 2021, Jenifer was diagnosed with colorectal cancer, an experience that gave her a profound understanding of the impact exceptional home care can have during times of pain and uncertainty. She believes that the relationships between clients, caregivers, and nurses can provide comfort and stability when it is needed most.

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Transcript

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Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver. Podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired. Lead with helpful tips and resources, and, of course, laugh. Now let's get to today's confession. Hey, Jay, good morning, good morning, good morning. Why are you trying to escape my song? All right, fine, you can sing it you will mainly because you over Sing me like your voice is more and so it makes me be able to sing, and no one can hear my voice. Well, that's really bad. I have a slight problem right here. I hold on just a second. You know, we never do this in the podcast, but a Scott neutered, and a Scott just came in my office, and so hold on, we're on pause. We will pause this. Hold on, that was a pause. Hold on. We have rare emergencies. We're like, that's gotta go. Good job. Medley, okay, you want to start over again. No reason, no reason not to just keep on going. All right, so, so, yeah, slight interruption, dog got in the way, and now we're back. So, okay, Jay, good morning. How are you doing? You know, I'm delightful, and I'm so glad that you and I got our like, we're like, sort of summer, but we're, we're moving into fall. We're solids. Lime, we are solid. We're solid, and we're solid. That's yeah. And Jennifer brought our colors together, our guest today, you know, she said she's got a little blue, she's got some green. Yeah, I love that. Hey, you know you want to tell us? You want me to tell you about Jennifer, because now it's not about my dog or him getting neutered in his cone. If you want to see how cute he was, he's on the YouTube channel. We're going to make sure. Why not leave him in there? Because, you know what? It's cheaper not to edit. All right, so Jennifer, today, I'm honored to introduce you to Jennifer Massey. She says serving others has always been part of who she is, and that caregiving came naturally from volunteering in high school to gramps and grannies, which I love, where she was paired with seniors in native companionship, to College, where she worked at a runaway shelter. She's played multiple roles in caregiving. I'm not telling the whole story. Natalie said, don't say, okay, okay, Jennifer's gotta help him talk about something I know. So she helped care for her grandmother, supporting a great aunt and her husband's uncle while raising three children, and now, as her parents age, she has become part of their care team. When her oldest brother, though, was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, she helped care for him until just weeks before his passing, she was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. So this is a season of life she calls the painful gift, and it was a time of what she says, deep surrender, growth and closeness with God. Through pain, she found profound gratitude. And I love that. That is a quote like I could write on my wall. Jennifer, so thank you so much for being here with us today. We are we are ready for you to get talking. Yeah, I'm excited to be here. Thank you. Thank you Well, and this is fantastic. So I had the opportunity to be on a panel with Jennifer. That's how we met. Jennifer lives here in sunny Virginia with with me, because all the cool kids live in Virginia, and we were on a panel talking about caregiving. And Jennifer, you work in the field in supporting individuals, but you have direct experience yourself being a unpaid family caregiver. And so why don't we kind of start from the beginning and talk a little give us a little background about your family and growing up and how kind of lead us into care. Because it sounds like you were a youth caregiver. It started really early. The attitude of service started early. Yeah. So fortunately, I was able to attend a school that put a big emphasis on service, and so part of what was offered was different opportunities to give back to our community. And one of those, I think, actually, when I started thinking back on it was middle school, when they offered this gramps and grannies, which was a really cool idea, where our administrators reached out and met people in the community that were in walking distance to our school, and so once a week, we would be partnered with a senior who was probably aging solo, and we'd go down and just spend some time with them. I'm not sure you could get away with that in this day and age. However, then it was and I do think. And it planted a seed. There was definitely a mutual it was, you know, good for me and good for them. As I aged through that school. There was another opportunity to care for medical community up the street to also longer walk, but walking distance to care for physicians and nurses children while they were like to help out in the daycare that was adjacent to the hospital. And so I would do that as well. And that sparked something in me too, being around that kind of energy and just filled my heart, but it for a personal story of my family, my grandmother, my family. I'm the only one born and raised in Virginia, in Lynchburg. All my family was from up north. My father was an only child, and his mother aged all the way up until her 80s, up in Massachusetts. So the time came where my parents were now my age, late, later, 50s, and my grandmother needed to be moved. She had had several falls, and the time came where there was just no other support for her, her her friend group, you know, had passed away, and her community was getting smaller, and her support system was getting smaller up Massachusetts, so the time came to move her. Well, at that point, I was living in Raleigh. My parents had a place in Raleigh, and they found an assisted living for her. My parents labs were very busy at that time, and I was taking classes in NC State, and so I would fill those gaps and be part of my grandmother's care team. And I remember taking a break, one of my breaks from school to fly up. My grandmother was hospitalized, and then so my oldest brother made the arrangements. He was in med school at the time, and made the arrangements for me. And I look back on this, and it is kind of shocking how it you know, just, we just all do what we have to do, right? And so I went up and cared for my my grandmother while she was in the hospital, and then the decision was made to move her to Raleigh, and so I helped care for her. My parents had a place in Virginia and in North Carolina, and I would be when they were traveling between the two places. I was the backup. Oh, you were back. I care. I was back up, but yeah, but sometimes I was forefront well, and I was getting ready to say, so you were in you were you said you were in college, you were in your early 20s, then, I'm assuming, and yes, or late teens, early 20s, when this happened, and you are truly it sounds like you started we talk about youth caregivers. And I think there's right at the American Association of caregiving youth talks about there being about 5.7 million caregiving youth in United States, and most of these youth like yourself. I mean, you did volunteer work, but then you sounds like you had a family that I had a culture of care. It was just something that was done from generation to generation. Would you say that's true? Yes, very much. So my mother was one of five, six children. A sister had passed away early, and she there's a huge age difference between her and her two younger brothers. And so she was raised, you know, helping care for for her siblings. And I think that, you know, it just does get passed down naturally. Yeah. So you mentioned, oh, good, no, so you mentioned an older brother. Natalie always asked us, where are you in the birth order? How many siblings and where are you? So I have three older brothers. Okay, so I am the baby girl of four. Oh, very protect. Very interesting. Protected, later, protected, protected, later in life, but I would say earlier, it made me scrappy. Oh, that's good. She was changing tires. She was picking up toads, riding dirt bikes, yeah, whatever it took to be part of the group. Oh, she's resilient. I know she is. She's bouncing back. So let me ask you this. You've got those care experiences, but during this time, so I know that you you're married, you have three children along this path. Tell me how that interjects with where does that bounce into all this life here? So I met my husband in high school, so he's my high school sweetheart. I love that. Yeah, we love a love story. We're not gonna lie to your mom and dad were high school sweethearts. Yeah, yeah. So we met at 16 and 17, and, you know, took that little hiatus that you have to take when you go off to college. I'm a year ahead of him in school. And so we did take a little hiatus there, but found our way back, another one of those threads that God had put us in the right place at the right time, but always stayed connected so then we ended up dating for eight years prior to getting married. Got married, and we're on year 32 Oh, wow. So, so you have, so you've, you've cared for I want to, I want to kind of bring us up here, you apart. I'm glad that you say because you can tell you you work in the industry, because most people would not say this when you said, I was a part of the care team and and I think that's important, because this is the first step to really identifying as part of being a caregiver and understanding your role in that team. We always talk about the importance of having a team. And I think you know, my question for you would be, how did your parents and I want to go back to that a little bit. How did your parents have that? Did your family have this conversation about, we're moving your grandmother down to the home, down to live close by. This is how we're going to do it. This is, do you know, do you and your brothers have this? Is it a family meeting, or is it this is what's going to happen, and everybody's going to jump in where needed. And if asked volunteer kind of thing, well, I will say it's, you know, in that situation, I'm giving you a 20 year old, 21 year olds perspective. Oh, yeah. So I'm sure there were conversations that I was not a part of, especially on my mother's part, because it really the burden was, you know, was on her, and she was a full time my mom worked full time as well as my dad and my brother. By that point, my brother was practice. He said he was a general surgeon, and he was practicing at that point. So I'm sure there were discussions as the baby, right? You know, I you don't ever lose that. I'm sure there were discussions I just was not part of them. Yeah, yeah. So you were just tagged in when needed, like, you just knew you were gonna come help, because that just seemed like the right thing to do. Yeah, and I think my mother and I were very close, and I saw the burden on her, so I think I stepped in to support, which I, you know, being in that, like you said, now that I'm in the industry, and I do see how easily caregivers can get. You can lose yourself very quickly and not even know it, because you're you're going through the motions as they're unfolding. And for me, that went on for many a year, a long, time where I was and, and I was doing it out of a place of gratitude, I mean, and, and, and it grew me, and I have no resentment or in hindsight on it, but I, I would caution people, you know, one of the things you ask is, know thyself, like really Spend some time. If you're new to caregiving, it's a great opportunity, if you've been caregiving for years and years, spend that time really to to center and figure out your needs, because oftentimes we get into this pattern and we don't realize and for me, it took a life event to shake me shake it up. Yeah, and do the refocus. I'm gonna pause here because I want to transition into the next episode. Because you again, like so many caregivers, it's so funny when we have we have conversations with caregivers, they don't typically just have one episode of caregiving, or they and one experience, and then that's it. You're one and done. It typically ends up being something that they have multiple episodes, and you've definitely had that. And so we're going to jump into the next, next window of time where you provide care. When we get right back looking for care in all the wrong places. Try care scout. Our care finder helps you locate long term care providers in your area who are committed to quality, person centered care with care Scout, you can also order a personalized care plan created by a licensed nurse just for you. So say goodbye to a path to aging care that's nothing but confusing, and say hello to a more dignified journey, including providers who see you as you and a plan for quality care you can feel good about. Learn more at care scout.com All right, everybody. We are back here with Jennifer Massey, and we're talking about next phase, because she's been care team and she's been younger. She's been caring while she was in college, so as part of the family team. So let's talk about next phase, Jennifer, because I know at one point you are sandwich caregiver. So what was your what was the next step in this care journey? So I think the next would have been a great aunt. Once again, my father was an only child, and this was his uncle's his maternal uncle's wife had no child. Children. So he was pretty much like their child, and she and her sister were both widowed back up in Massachusetts again and needed to be cared for. And it was causing a lot of journeying back and forth from my mother and my father on occasion, but mostly on my mother to care for these two ladies. And so they were able to get them in a assisted up there, but one of them passed. She was my aunt, Irene, was brought back to live with my parents in Lynchburg. And at that time, my husband and I had three just had had my third baby, and we were living down the street from my parents. They had a family farm, and we had built a home down the street from them, and so I was part of my aunt Irene scare team, and she was delightful. I mean, she was one of these very easygoing always had a smile on her face no matter what life was. You know, in she just one of the things when I remember her is I always try to smile, and my my face doesn't tend to rest in a smile. But she was one of these people who it always rested with a smile. And so I was part of her care team, because my parents were still traveling for work and also for pleasure. And so, you know, I was now instilling in my children, because my oldest at this point would have been around nine, my son was six or seven, and then, you know, my youngest in, you know, up until when, when she passed, and she passed, Mother's Day weekend, 2007 six, something like that. So she was, she was the the next person I had the pleasure of caring for and being part of that to assist my mother. Were you working at the time? No, well, yes, I was raising our three children, but my brother and my sister in law, my oldest brother, who I keep referring to a lot, she was a professional, and my brother, being a professional as well, both wanted and needed to be working. And so when my sister in law got pregnant a year after, well, she was pregnant during my husband's and my wedding, they we moved back because there was a death in my husband's family. My father in law passed. So we moved back because he wanted to be close to his brothers. I was asked to care and help raise my take care of him during the day, my nephew and so I got the play. He was my first, my first baby in the sense that I got to spend every day with him. So I gone from the runaway shelter where I had worked in North Carolina, and I did a short stint in social services down in North Carolina, but we moved back to Lynchburg to be closer to family after my father in law passed. You were a full time daycare. Some were your some work, but that's okay. You were a full time when it doesn't actually matter. Yeah, it doesn't matter, you know, if you, if you talk to especially, you know, it's almost like, and Jennifer, you've worked in foster care, you know, and this is such a cultural thing. It's just like, I'll just bring them. What's one more like? And so you just, he doesn't really matter. Related, not related. But, you know, it's interesting this, this culture of care, is really built into your DNA, and it started from a young age. It very much sounds like and what you what was modeled to you. And I love that you said I started modeling that to my own children. So I want to go back to your your great aunt, what are some of the tasks that you were responsible for? Because, if you're you're raising your children. Because this is we were literally just talking to a group. We were being interviewed about what it's like to be a sandwich caregiver, and so let me ask you that question, what's it like to be a sandwich caregiver? Because you were a sandwich caregiver, but you had two different situations. You had your great aunt and then your husband's uncle. Did those feel different based on the ages of your children? Did it feel different based on where you and your husband were in life, and professionally, tell me a little bit about those two different how the how that differentiated, and did you build on it? Those experiences, definitely so. And I say modeling, but also it, modeling can come off as positive, and I don't think necessarily all that I was emulating was positive, like, in the sense of, you know, not putting my needs before others. And at times, that's very important. I'd say it's important all the time, yeah, to make sure that you're listening to yourself. But So the difference between the two would be that my mother, very much engaged with my great aunt, and there were resources to be able to have additional help. So it was filling in when the care, when the additional help couldn't come in. There was no, I don't recall ever like having to do the personal care side, like the hands on care for. Her. And like I said, she was just so delightful. I mean, it really was more of companionship and being present and making sure that there were, we were eyes and ears and available. Should there be a call off? They were able to get her into a really beautiful local CCRC here for her, her final, her final days, isn't I want to pause for a second. It's interesting that you said she had resource, but which is such a big deal, and you know this, it's such a big deal to be able to have that financial resource. And so listeners who are out there, the ability to plan for that is critical, so that you are really able to build your care team and really not burn out any one or two individual people. And I think those are things that I wish that we had had conversations about growing up. But the other piece of it is you don't downplay the fact that you were a caregiver for her by saying, Well, I was just doing companionship. I was just just the word just comes, I can come out of a lot of people's mouths, and that's why I think a lot of people don't self identify as caregivers, because they're like, Don't undervalue the impact that you're having on be, on being present with being a companion. Yeah, I think I was holding space for my mother and my father, and it's important. It's important, you know, the more you can have your bench go out, yeah, and have that for the ripples, for people to be able to step away and do what's needed. I love that. So tell me about the difference then with your husband's uncle, well, he was that one, you know, fell naturally. We had moved. My parents were spending more time away, and my husband and I decided to move into the city because our children, yeah, we moved from a farm to a city, yeah, we went to the big city of Lynchburg, and he ended up being right down the street from us, and he truly was a dear friend of mine. I would visit him weekly. He was very pragmatic, great sense of humor. He could tell me things that anybody else could tell me, and I could hear it the first time. But So I began to see a decline, and I knew he wanted to age, and he wanted to remain in his home that was very, very important to him in the conversations we had. And then I noticed that there were personal care needs that neither he nor I wanted to cross that boundary. You know, we set a boundary, whether it was we never had the discussion, but we both knew, and so I had reached out to his two of his three children, who I was fairly close with that did not live in the area, and just gave them a touch point. They were aware of his health, and they would come in and visit and spend time with him. But I just So we reached out to a local agency that was locally owned and operated at the time, and I was part of that where and the irony in all of this, or, you know, just that, I won't even say irony, it's just a beautiful thread that has has formed through this was that his oldest son and his wife had just purchased their very First home care agency upon his retirement from a long career at IBM, they wanted to go into business together. They had had some service failures while trying to get care for her mother, that led for them to look into and then they found their very first bright star care in Northern Virginia, wow, and bought that. And all of this is happening at the time that I'm caring for his father, and this is 12 years ago now, and so that's kind of how David's cousin Rob and Carrie and I, you know, spent more time talking about making sure his father was getting that care and seeing them upon their visits while they were caring for him, and learning the Business up in Northern Virginia, but it was a different agency, because bright store care wasn't in this territory, but they bought it when the locally owned and operated sold. So they bought the territories in Lynchburg and Roanoke at that time. Wow, is it. So I think, you know, you touch on a couple of things, and I'm like, ooh, go back to that. I like that. You said you all had this unspoken you and the and the uncle had this unspoken agreement that this is the line. And I can tell you, caring for our mom and doing the things that we need to do, especially related to ADLs, which is activities of daily living, otherwise known as personal care. And there's they cross over into each other, because there's general activities of daily living, and then there's the true personal care, where you're getting all in people's business, is the way I would put it. And I would I think that it would have felt for us. It would have been very different had we cared for our if we were caring for. A dad right now. I think being able, I think when you have opposite sex that are doing that, and then children, or whoever that is, that cannot be a problem for paid because I feel like there is this natural boundary respect, there's its profession, and then versus the role that you're originating in, and then feeling like, Oh, that feels like too personal, and being able to have those conversations and or not, but looking, having the look of like we know we're not going there, like we're not going there. Friend and Bob was very good at giving a look, yeah. So we knew. So, you know, it's, the thing is, that's interesting to me that here you say, number one, I love that your parents travel a lot. I'm not gonna lie to you, I think that's pretty magic at the time, though, and you're doing all the caring, and are like, and I say that not in an ugly way, because your husband's working, you're taking the lead in caregiving, and what I think is a traditional female role identified as a female role. Did you and your husband have a conversation about, like, Hey, I keep caring for all your people? Or, you know what? I mean, like, did you how did you, like, how did you all decide who was going to be the primary? Because you do, you have a career. Are you working at this point as well. Are you still basically being full time mama? So I took care of Isaac, which, you know, my brother and sister in law paid me for me well for that. Okay, thank you. Yes, yes, yeah, they were, you know, they wanted it to have a professional component and expectation set in there, okay, and so I was, I was being financially compensated, okay, for caring for my nephew. My brother had decided to retire early, and I another one of those God moments. He was very spiritual person, and it just spoke to him that he needed to retire early, which, without telling too much, was a very beautiful gift that he gave to his son, because by the my nephew was 12, I think at the time, so by from the time my nephew was 12, I was no longer earning An income. However, my my father and my mother. My father had his own business, and it was a business consultant, and so I would do work for them. So I was supplementing income, but I was not a professional. And, you know, my goal was always, and my husband's, and we did have this conversation, yeah, that I was able to be able to be there and be a stay at home mom, and do all that responsibility that goes with that, and be that focus. So I would coach volleyball, and I would get paid, and I would do summer. I mean, so there were, it sounds like you were a professional, still domestic engineer. You are a domestic engineer. That is a professional, yeah. And you're, yeah, yeah. So the the Bob wasn't, there was never a discussion about it, because I just saw a need, and I Yeah, and I stepped in. And I think that's, you know, I I'm sure there's many other caregivers out there that these roles, you fall into them, yeah, and my biggest, I guess cautionary is to always take a pulse on that. I wish I had done better of that, you know, because it took a big wake up call for me to take time to do that. And the reason I say that is because now that I am in the industry and having these conversations more often with a variety of people, often see where people it gets to the point where the person being cared for has panic attacks, anxiety attacks when this person is no longer in it no so you get you get to A point, or can get to a point where it becomes even more difficult to take that next step and get that respite. It's still doable, but it's harder. It's that separation anxiety, very similar to the two year old, you know, where that 18 month, that that time little period, and I've seen that time and time again, and I've seen it. You know, you know my my parents are not traveling as much now. My father has been diagnosed with with several different illnesses that one of which is Parkinson's. We have that in common, and my mother is his primary, and they care for each other, but my mother it, you know, there's a lot of doctor visits, there's a lot of this and a lot of that. And, you know, I think the difference now when you talk about Jennifer and my roles before cancer, and then my who I am, and now I. So I now we have care givers going in and assisting and giving my mother that respite. And it's not it's not me, and I have a brother who's now retired, who's now stepped in and doing more of those kinds of touch points to make sure the house, you know, things that need to get done that that used to be all me down the road, so that it's changed. Oh, this is the I think this conversation is so rich with great advice and nuggets and to be able to be insightful. I mean, because I think that's what I keep hearing you saying, is you're able to be insightful in the saying, hey, look, this worked for me in the past, but if I were to do it again as as I'm carrying forward, I know these are the things that I need to do to respect myself, to be able to give as much as I can give, and and both things can be true. We're going to take another break for a second, and we're going to jump back into this because it gets more and gosh, Jennifer, I'm so glad you're my best friend and not. JJ, okay, that's okay, Jay, she'll be your friend too. All right, we'll be right back. Careforward is a technology platform that connects volunteers with seniors, the disabled and those with chronic or complex health conditions, offering support like transportation, home visits and more details online@careforward.io All right, everybody. We are back here with Jennifer Massey. And wow, she has, like, she's like a layer cake. I always say it's like an apple stack cake, because you kind of smush it together, like it's not just a layer so you've got all these, these you're learning as you go through this. But I know that you come to a point where, and you talk about this sort of pivot point, I want to talk about, if we're, we're, if you're open to talking about, or we're at that stage where your brother kind of steps in, because I think this is your, your next phase. So let's talk about this, how this occurred, because this is your oldest brother. Is the brother that I think kind of makes a pivot point for you where a lot happens. Yes, so 2016 My brother was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. It was Christmas Day. He had driven back from church with his wife and his son, and he made this declaration that if he were to die today, that he could not, you know, have asked for anymore, that he just truly felt blessed. And he had had from a persistent call that my sister in law had decided, you know, he's a general surgeon, my brother and she was like, you know, it's time you need to so he went, you know, and was able, I think, the night, maybe the 26th or the 27th went and got scanned, got an x ray, and as soon as he saw it, he knew, you know, he he's seen it before, and he knew they gave him six months, by the grace of God, he could true To had just been released, and that extended his life for five years. Wow, yeah, beautiful gift, beautiful gift for all of us. So as all this was unfolding, my sister in law really her passion, and she's a very gifted she's a professor at Washington and Lee University, and she's the medical school director and organic chemistry, if that tells you anything, is her, is her passion. She's brilliant, smart, she's smart, so she you know that that's her recipe. That's where she gets rejuvenated, right? That's her. And my sister in law is very good about her boundaries. And that's one thing. You know, we all have our have our strengths, and my sister in law has always been good about setting her her boundaries, like she did when she knew that, you know, taking care of an infant was not filling her tank. So this was something that she needed assistance with. And, of course, my mother, you know, you can imagine as a mom, having, you know, being told that your son and because he was 57 at the time, he was my age when he was diagnosed. So the between us and then a dear friend of my brothers, and that is who my sister in law really wanted to charge it up was to have somebody that she hired just like she had done me to be the primary and build that relationship. And this woman was my, was a good friend of my my brothers and my sister in law's, and so she stepped in between the three of us. We provided the transportation and the care my brother was still able to do those personal ADLs that we that you mentioned, but it was being there for him, right? And this was very different, because this was my big brother. This was my, you know, he, he was my rock from the time I can remember. And so. So to have, I would have done anything for him and and my children, my, you know, this is where I talked about modeling and my my oldest daughter ended up becoming part of both Bob's care team, Uncle Bob and also my brothers. She had taken a gap year and was part of so she was emulating just like I had emulated my mother and and all this as we go. But caring for my brother was enlightening, exhausting, at times, emotionally to see you know there were some very vulnerable moments with him as this diagnosis, because my brother never smoked a day in his life. Wow, you know, yeah, this stage four lung cancer came out of nowhere. We were not exposed to secondhand smoke growing up, you know, it just this was so, you know, him trying to figure out in his mindset, like, how did I get this that, you know, they were in? And then the exiting, you know, those hard conversations he and I would have about, you know, leaving his wife behind and leaving his son. And would he see his son graduate from college? Would he see him, you know, graduate from medical school? Would he see him get married? Would he see his grandbaby? And he got to do all those except the grandbaby. And I do know we saw the grandbaby, because he's He's always with us, but yeah, so it was a beautiful time up until about a month prior. Well, I'd say three months prior to his passing, I was getting more and more tired. I would still go and visit with him, but I just I was not feeling well, and I was there was something seriously wrong. And having been a general surgeon, you know, we talk about things like poop. We talk we would talk about anything. And I, and I just told him I was describing, you know, what my experience was in the bathroom and that I just was not something wasn't right. And he said, It sounds to me like you have an obstruction and you need to get seen. And this is him, you know. And we knew he was in hospice at this point, but you know, he was still giving me that advice. And I went, and I went to the to the doctor and the GI and then went in for the scope, and they couldn't even do it because I had a tumor the size of my fist in my rectum. Wow. And so two weeks prior to my brother's passing, I was diagnosed with colorectal cancer, and I know I can't even, I can't even imagine, because you've you now have this complete reversal. You have been the permanent like, like, to me, it feels like you're the stationary figure that is, like a care figure, like you're, you're always there. Like, if there's somebody, there's a need. Rather, you're the primary or that you are, you are a caregiver to you're part of a team. You're consistently a part of the team. They're like, you're the sixth man. We want you on our team every time, right? Because six man's important. And you know, I think now you're put into this position where you're needing to be cared for, and your brother is end of life, truly. And I know that when you said to me, when we were not on the panel, but we were talking beforehand, how that experience allowed you to be able to let him go. Oh, yeah, so having a tumor the size of your fist and not being able to, you know, go to the bathroom, you don't eat much. I wasn't eating anything at that point, and actually was living off a boost. So I was very, very sick, but I was very much leaning into my faith. I've always been a believer, and I was leaning and leaning and leaning my faith. And I do not there's a thin veil that they talk about, you know, in in the Bible that that veil, and I do believe that I was the closest to God in this time because I was at my weakest, and I was making choices, and I was very much at peace, feeling God's presence, feeling the power of prayer. People were praying, and I could feel it. And I was very vulnerable, very weak. Now this is it was to be very transparent. It, you know, it was very rocky. I mean, my household, as you have pointed out, you know, I was the care taker, I was the one that people went to, and now all of a sudden, I'm not. I'm the one that's having to ask for it are very different. So the roles just, it was like a giant. Pot of spaghetti with every kind of noodle you can imagine, just got thrown across the room and what stuck where, whatever. So at that point, I was the closest to God and felt his presence so much. And I do think it was a protection for me in that when my brother passed, I was at peace for him, because I knew that it was selfish of me to want him here when he was going to get loved on more immensely with being up with Jesus, that that love could never compare to what I could give him here. And it really, there were so many beautiful moments in all of that. I miss him dearly. I hear him. I see him in you know, there's a giant Hawk that likes to come and sit in my backyard, and I know, you know, I always think that it's him coming because he's looking right in my bedroom window in the morning. And I'm like, Yeah, I know who sent you. I know so. But in that time I was I was learning to be humble, I was learning to be vulnerable. And I, that's why I say this truly, that diagnosis in my me, being on the receiving end of care, really transformed my life. It, it, it broke some family patterns. You know, all, even functional families are dysfunctional. Of course, we're all and right, and you know, there was, there was definite room for growth. One of the things that I think, being the that I've learned for myself is I was doing a lot of the emotional work for a lot of people for most of my life. And when you do that, you're stunting other people's ability to grow in my firm, you know? And so by me now, stepping back, people were were growing in ways that that were needed. And so in that being said, you know, I, I am not a hands on Caregiver like I was with my parents, and that was a big transformation for all of us when I took on this role, you know, I spent a lot of time praying about, you know, what was this next step when I got my no evidence of disease, you know, after going through treatments. And you know, what was this next piece going to look like? And when this opportunity full circle again, that that beautiful thread that God, you know, has has woven, and I've been able to see where, you know, Rob and Carrie Bob's, you know, they come to me, and they've got the the rights to Lynchburg and to Roanoke, and asked, would I be interested in doing a little market research? And now I'm, you know, Regional Sales Director, yeah, so a little market research, because I believe in it so much, and I believe that, you know, it's so important for people to have resources available to them. And I know what it's like to have people in your home. I'm still consider my my I still pray for her every day, my my nurse. I went to her baby shower. One of her close friends is works PRN for our agency. I mean, it's just the people that touch your lives in those vulnerable moments make a difference. But it did grow me, and it gave me the freedom to set boundaries for myself and say no about some things and say a lot of yeses to others. I'm kind of curious about the moment that you had to tell your family that you actually were the one that was sick, when you had to say, This is my diagnosis. What? What did that feel like? Well, there had been a breakdown, emotional breakdown. I had had. My family would always tell me, you just have to tell us, you know, and we'll do whatever. So there was a day where I just didn't, I couldn't, didn't have the energy to fix dinner, and so I my go to has always been, since I was young, to go for a drive, to go for a drive in the country. And I was, I was, this was, let's say this was early. This was probably late May of 2021, and God spoke to me on that drive. I was sobbing, and I was so angry at everybody, you know, at home, I'm like, They're all grown, and everybody's moaning and groaning, and, you know, I'm about, you know, me not doing this, me not doing that. And I heard God very loudly say, Jennifer, you are sick, and you are going to need to let others, you know? I mean, it was bold text. It just came through very loud. So when I came home that night, my husband is very good. He brought everybody together and said, you know, we got to talk this out as a family. And we all did. And these are, you know, my kids are grown at this point. I've got two in college. One my actually, one was in just finished her Master's. The other was in his senior. My other was just in her senior year of high school. So these are grown people we're having these conversations with. So at that point, I had tried to tell them that I knew I was very sick, and my husband was like, No, you'll go to the doctor and everything will be fine. So when the time did come on July 29 2021 I did not have an emotional reaction when the doctor woke me up and told me. And I do think that, along with where my brother was, when I we got home, my husband and I remember, you're sitting in the car, and we said, Okay, we're going to go in and tell the kids. And the doctor did tell me. He said, This is a, you know, this isn't a death sentence. You're, you know, people are can live through this. And he knew what I was going through. He was friends with my brother, so he did he or he knew the story of where we were in our life. So when we got out to the porch and we and we told the kids, I think my husband spoke honestly. I don't think I spoke. I think he said the words, and then followed up with, you know that it will all be good. And then the next thing I did was I called my prayer warrior friends, and I called my minister, and I called my parents, and that was the hardest I really think, was telling my parents and that everybody came to the house, and we did a prayer circle. And that's where my strength continues to come from. Did you tell your brother my brother? My Yes, I told my brother, but he knew he knew he knew he knew. And I would like to ask my I've got to ask my dad, because I remember I ended up being being able to be seen much sooner. And anybody that's listening to this, whether you know caregiver or or the one being cared for. You know the roller coaster journey you're on. You know the highs and the lows, and you know when you're told No, and that's one thing I do want to say. You know, no matter what your role is, you got to be an advocate for yourself. You've got, you know your caregivers. We're so often advocating for everybody else all the time, that we allow ourselves to be put in the back. And this really had me be the advocate for myself. And I was told that I could not be seen or would not there was no availability for me to be seen. And I just called up the scheduler sobbing, and I said, I will be dead. I will be dead if I cannot. And I truly, you know, I was no longer eating. I mean, I there was no way I was gonna be able to go three weeks without being seen. I just there wasn't. And sure enough, there was an opening. And she saw me. And when she saw me at UVA, she said, Go downstairs, get the blood work. I want you back tomorrow, and we're gonna hop going to operate. And that's when they did the first ostomy. Wow. That saved my life. So then that's I didn't see my brother until after all that unfolded. And so my dad has a picture of me and my brother. You know me. It's got to be the most pitiful picture ever, because he was in the, you know, the last two weeks of his life, and I was fighting for mine. You know, it's, it's, it's weird. I know I'm, we just let this keep going. We just rolling. Because I'm like, I'm like, We're way over our time, and I don't even really care. Um, no, I don't really, don't care. And so, because this is so important, because this also comes back to, you know, I think about the impact that chronic stress and caring for yourself can have on your body, and that many caregivers can get sick. And I'm not saying that your cancer is a direct result, however, that we know that chronic stress, and you know certain hormones and chemicals in our body that free flow because of this can impact your immune system and ability to fight off. It's just the facts are out there. You're unsure. You can email me and I'll send it to you, because I can tell you that it's true and it's it's no difference in people who have experienced trauma as children, and how this can impact your life. And so, you know the thing is, is that, would you say, let me ask you this question, because we do need to do sister questions. Do we? Would you say that you were mindful about keeping all of your appointments and taking care of yourself during the time that you are providing care up until like I see this head nodding no for those who can't, who can't or aren't watching on YouTube, no, no. I constantly put my own you know. I my my tank was getting filled, you know, and I'll take ownership for it, you know. I, my tank was getting filled, filling others and caring for others. And I many of this doctor's appointment, you know. I thought all my symptoms were related to menopause. I mean, any girl, right? I mean one, I didn't end up going, we could go into another podcast on menopause. Well, I ended up getting my complete hysterectomy at the time with the other so I, you know, didn't have all those slow side effects. What I was experiencing was all colorectal cancer related, I believe, yeah, so no, to answer your question, very, very honestly, I had not been good about any of that, and we're all guilty of it. We're all guilty. And even when my children were little, you know, I was so diligent about making sure they got to the doctor. I was so diligent about making sure my mother and my, you know, my father follow through on their appointments. And, you know, getting Bob to to his and my, you know, all of it. And my grandmother had had an ostomy. And, you know, this is the other thing. Like, you know, why didn't that ever come up? My grandmother had colorectal cancer in her, you know, late 80s, right? Like, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. I'm not gonna lie to you, we've had this. We've said the same thing we have, like, we always joke that we have jacked up vaginas and uteruses and all that stuff. And so it's true. But like, when, you know, JJ got sick, and then we find out from our aunt that other people in our family have had, you know, issues, we're like, Okay, where was everybody talking about this on Sunday? Like, can we not share some family medical history and just pass that around, like we're passing the tray or plate at church? So like, like, I think this is the other thing, and it's one of those, like, we have to be as families more diligent about sharing kind of longitudinal medical history, like generational medical history, because I think that's important to say, if we have a history of it, and some things like, I know your dad has Parkinson's, and that net does not necessarily, it's not proven to be genetic that I'm aware of, but, but there's we also don't know as much as we need to know. And so the more that we know about our past medical history, including our both sides of the family and people who have had things, the more that it allows you to be more aware and have an awareness for signs and symptoms that allow you to do more prevention. And where is everybody's guilty of it? Girl, well, and I knew my grandmother had an ostomy. I mean, I was part of, you know, I knew that that had happened, but, you know, once again, I was in my 20s, and I also wasn't putting myself first. So I didn't, I didn't, once again, didn't advocate for myself. And it took this diagnosis for me to advocate for myself and continue to Jay, we're gonna jump into sister questions. I feel like, for all of our friends in UK, health radio, I've been writing mine down, so I have to pick one. Okay, yeah, I was wondering, any of you are over there shopping on Amazon, or what she looks down? I'm like, what my menopause means? I can't remember anything, so I have to write everything down. I'm like, Okay, this was a question, and then, because I'd get to sister questions, question, be like, what was my question? So my question is, I know that everyone has to have a rock or a source of, I guess, energy and something that really brings them back to center. And I continue to hear and even read your bio, that your source is your faith, which is for me, incredibly important. Can you just, can you just share a little bit about that and just tell me something that you would want to share about why that is so important you would share with our audience. For me having God and Jesus as my higher power freed me from my need to control. It allowed me to focus on gratitude, which I do believe was a huge part of my healing. I spent intentionally even on the most difficult of days, I would say three gratitudes. I remember, especially, you know, being grateful for the first for the person who thought of an ostomy, for the first person that allowed somebody to do an ostomy, for chemo, for the for every human I encountered on my way to the appointments. So gratitude in combination with, you know, being expressing that specifically to my higher power was was trained, really carries me through each day. And I am very intentional now. And tonight is our night. Every Tuesday night, my we do yoga, and we do it together as a family. We zoom in. We have, I have a dear friend of mine who I met through the Parkinson's support group in in Lynchburg, and she comes to our house, and we any kids that are available at my my son in laws or my daughter in law, they everybody joins in by zoom and we do a family yoga, which rejuvenates it gets me to focus. And to remember to breathe. And then I try to incorporate that in my, you know, I'm sure I'm showing up at Jennifer's house tonight. She has, no, yes, she it won't be awkward. She's, I mean, she's our My oldest is actually, you know, they joke that she's now the older sister that my oldest had always wanted. I love that idea that is probably one of the most unique connecting relationship self care, joint like congregate, self care or not even we're not going to the movies, our family we're going to yoga. Yoga. We're doing family yoga. It's family night. We're doing yoga. It's not game night. We're doing yoga. I think that's probably one of the most awesome Jay you get. Do you have one more question that you want to make? I want to know I'm good. I'm good. She didn't answer several events. I'm going to tell you. I feel like she just told us what her guilty pleasure was, although that's not a guilty pleasure. Always into every podcast with what is your favorite guilty pleasure? What is the one thing that you do just for you? Because this family thing, I'm digging that a whole, whole lot weird. Well, I'll tell you a new guilty pleasure. Oh, ready. It's a new one to me, and I would have never thought that I love it as much as I do. But the hot, polar and cold plunge. Have you ever have you heard of done yoga? But there's, there's a local place in in Lynchburg that you go in and you do the sauna for 15 minutes, and then you get into 52 degree, yeah, water for up to three and then you go back to the sauna, and then go back, and you go back and forth and back and forth. They bring you hot tea in between. And let me tell you, the first time I did it, I could only do a minute in but it but the breathing from yoga helps, because it's through that breathing that you can tolerate. But I've now gotten up to where I can do the three minutes in the coldest tub, and then do the 15 minutes in the hot sauna, and then go back and forth. And there's another thing that my my children, when they come in town, that that we do together. But it does something to my endorphins. It's so that's my new guilty pleasure. I'm going to tell you right now, if you think about athletes get into cold baths and they do something very similar. Because what it does is it talks about, I know that this is like regenerating for your body, and that it is actually so good. And Jay, I think we should go to Lynchburg and do this. Yes, come. I think this is a I think that I'm gonna attend the yoga class. I'm not sure about that cold thing I would do the cold, the cold bath. I would do it. Okay, the next time I'm in Lynchburg, I'm calling you Jennifer. I'm willing to do it. Natalie, if we do it, though, we have to video because, oh yeah, oh yeah. It's, it is, it is so rejuvenating. And I'm actually going to be doing it this weekend. Oh, so it's about, I do about I've it's not become committed to a certain amount of time, but it just so happens that I'm at least doing it once a month. So, oh, that's like getting once a month. So now I'm taking the plunge once a month. You know, I'm gonna check and see if they've got something in Roanoke. They got to, because this is really cool. But I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell you, Jennifer, what a blessing you have been. Thank you so much. Your story is just, it's so inspiring. And your words of wisdom. I know we could talk even more. We didn't even get to talking about you're currently caring for your dad and supporting your mom, like in the sense of supporting the family with your dad with Parkinson's. And I saw a lot of stuff. We're going to have Jennifer's information in the show notes, so you definitely want to follow along with some of her journey and learn more about bright star, guys. She is a fantastic resource when it comes to understanding home care. So I'm going to tell you right now, she is an amazing human being. I was privileged to get to sit on a panel right next to her, which is clearly why she's now my bestie and not JJ and but she can be JJ, bestie. But thanks so much, Jennifer, being with us. I really, really appreciate it. Well, thank you for having me. It's been a pleasure. All right, Jayden, well, absolutely Thank you, Jennifer, and until we confess again, we'll see you next time, bye, bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession again. Thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find the video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out, but we are. Not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I, at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver, have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the express written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC, thank you for listening to the confessions of our reluctant caregiver podcast.