Surviving, Thriving, and Loving Again

Stacy Ryan’s powerful story is a testament to love, resilience, and the human capacity to heal after profound loss. Her journey began with her own cancer diagnosis at 45, which she survived, followed by her husband John’s battle with cancer that ultimately claimed his life in December 2020. Throughout their cancer journey, they demonstrated an extraordinary partnership, supporting each other with deep love and commitment, facing each challenge together with grace and vulnerability. 

After losing John, Stacy chose to honor his wishes by living her life to the fullest. She channeled her grief into creative pursuits, writing a three-book series about her experiences and launching a podcast focused on her journey through widowhood. Her commitment to healing and personal growth led her to unexpected places, including finding love again with another widower named John, with whom she is now building a new life. In a beautiful tribute to her resilience, she is also preparing to open a yoga and wellness studio in the fall, continuing to pursue her passions and create meaning from her experiences. 

What makes Stacy’s story particularly inspiring is her approach to grief and the healing process. She refused to be defined by her loss, instead choosing to embrace joy, laughter, and new opportunities. Her message is clear: there is no single path through grief, and it’s possible to honor past love while creating space for new love and experiences. Her journey demonstrates that life can be “brutally beautiful”—filled with profound pain, yet also incredible hope and renewal.

About Stacy:

Stacy Ryan embodies resilience, completing an Ironman at 36, surviving cancer at 45, and navigating widowhood at 52. These experiences fuel her work as a self-published author and podcaster, where she shares her journey of life, love, and loss, aiming to help others on similar paths. Her diverse career, from corporate HR to fitness director, laid the foundation for her current endeavors. Her podcast, "My Whole New Life," launched in 2023, followed by her "Whole New Life" three-book series in 2024. Stacy finds joy in motivating others to pursue what resonates with them, whether it's achieving a fitness goal or writing a book, reflecting her belief that anything is possible. Outside of work, she enjoys cycling, yoga, and time with friends and family, creating lasting memories.

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Transcript

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Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver. Podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate be inspired. Leave with helpful tips and resources and, of course, laugh. Now let's jump right in to today's guest confession. Hey, Jay, hi, Natalie, how are you doing? I'm great. You know what? What we have been on a recording sprint spree, sprint. I mean, I feel like I've been talking, like my mouth might be tired, that never has happened before. Actually, don't even know what to say to I might be a little tired, that's all you know. What though I we have been recording. We've had some of the most amazing stories, and it seems appropriate that we would wrap up our six episode recording spree with the amazing Stacy Ryan. You gave away part of my story doesn't even matter. Stacy is so amazing, and I get to, I have the privilege, I get to talk to all the guests beforehand and become best friends with them. I know, and so. And Stacy and I also have a connection, though, to actually more like Stacey and my husband. People were like, what? And like, yes, and so but, but Stacey has been a caregiver, and I would love for you to share more about Stacey so we can bring her in. Because people are like, we don't want to hear you like, yeah, stop chatting, girls, all right, summer. So we are incredibly excited, Stacey, to have you here with us. Stacey Ryan, this, she really explained who she was best. She gave me a timeline in her bio, she started, I did the Ironman at 36 love that survived cancer at 45 check and became a widow at 52 she was like, here's my summary. Let's break it down. It's caregiving for her husband that brings her to us today. And I think for me, the question that I want to hear is, what do you do when all treatment options are gone, and how do you live those days with the one that you love? Because I think Stacy's got a lot of insight for us. And what do you do the rest of your life? Because Stacey has done a lot. She is, yeah, yeah. She's turned around. Thank you, Stacy. Well, joining us, and I'll say this. I mean, they're a love story. They are they are they? Stacy and her husband were, and always will be a love story for me. And even though, no matter what life takes you after in your next chapter and or whatever you want to call that next stage chapter, whatever we call it, proverbially, it's a love story, and I was so privileged to getting to hear about their story and how they spent their time together. So Stacy, thank you for being with us. Really appreciate it. You're welcome. And you know what you call it? Natalie, a whole new life. Oh, I like a whole new life, which is what the name of my podcast is, and my book series and what I'm living right now? Yeah, yeah, absolutely forward. You know what? You're exactly, right? It is a whole new life. Because people always say, oh, you know, well, what's that? Is it? Is it a phase? Is it a stage? Because people always want to define it. And the reality is, is, yeah, you're allowed to have a whole new life again, and you can do that. Lived an amazing life with 30 years, which is a big chunk of time with my husband, and I'm still young, so I feel like I have a whole new life to live. I had to discover that through, you know, process of grieving and whatnot. But it's, it's it's happening. Oh, that is absolutely true. Well, we're going to kick right off into we're going to kick off. And I want to give some context. Want to make sure, or actually, for our listeners, let's talk about your background. You know, where you're from, like, where you grew up, all the good stuff. Kind of bring us up how you met Mike and and let's go. Let's talk about life. Let's give our audience, kind of the background the back. What happened? Exciting. Oh my gosh. You were born. Well, once upon a time in 1968 No, so I was born and raised. I You guys are like from the south, and I do not talk like that. So there's this distinct accent, difference. I'm one from Wisconsin, born and raised here, graduated high school in 86 and kind of wandered the world, like, what should I do with my life? And, uh, ended up working just random jobs where I met my husband John, in 1990 um, through a setup kind of thing. That's what you did back then, right come to happy hour. And there I was. There he was. So that was December 7, 1990 and quite literally, because I was still, at this point in my life, trying to discover what I want to do when I grow up, which, PS, I still haven't figured that. Out or still playing around. I was contemplating moving to Colorado. I had family there. And I'm like, oh, maybe that's a good idea where I should go. And then I met him, and I'm like, yeah, no, I I'm good, I can just stay here. Um. And he's like, Don't hold me back. You know, don't let me hold you back. If there's some place that you want to be, I'm like, Nope, I'm quite happy here. So obviously stayed. We got married in 1993 and then we worked hard in our careers. He worked for the same employer for over 30 years, and worked his way up through that employer in Little Match walk Wisconsin, and and then I worked my way up through an accounting and human resources career as well. We chose not to have kids. Someone has to be the cool aunt and uncle Crazy, right? Look at JJ and I remember it is us. It is our sister, Emily was responsible for having the kids. Yeah, Emily an iPad full for all the childbearing. And I'm like, I did not want to wreck that area. So totally fine. Let Emily have it. Yep, everybody has a strength in the family and the friendship group. So, boom, yep. So I have over 12 nieces and nephews. I have great nephews now, which I feel like when I had great aunts when I was little. They were in their 80s. Oh, yeah, it's kind of this weird thing. But anyway, um, so those are the people we spoil their whole life, and we were actively involved in their life, uh, traveled and just, you know, I'm just did the thing, you know, just, it was him and I, and it was easy, it was fun, it was relaxing, it was adventurous. I could probably count on one hand how many times we fought, and if we did it was over dumb things, right? Yeah, so we're just living our best life. Through my own personal career, I decided to, in my late 30s, early 40s, to leave the corporate world. I'm like, You know what? And it's very similar to, I understand your story as well. It just kind of got sick of that whole thing that comes with the corporate world, right? You know? And I would was, I loved what I did, but I didn't like all the other stuff that was behind the scenes. And I had an amazing husband at that time. I was doing Iron Man and crazy things like that. So I was very heavily involved in fitness. I had a passion, personally, to help others in that world. And one day I'm like, you know, he's like, you're coming home crying every night. It's just not worth it. Why don't you just leave? I'm like, like, just leave. Like, like, who I do? He's like, you'll figure it out. Well, I did, and I was teaching classes at a local YMCA at the time, and I walked in, I'm like, Hey, I got a lot of free time, so if you have any opportunities, well, next year, you know, I'm I went from corporate flying to meetings, and were in business suits and making $25 million healthcare decisions to wearing sweatpants, making $9 an hour, and loving every second of it like that's the real that is the American dream. So I will laugh and say that was my life. I went from I went from corporate banking to selling Nemo and Dory for a living. So I'm gonna tell you that best life change. I love that Stacy. You know, I'm sure like you, you had recruiters who would reach out to like, hey, hey, and I would talk to my husband. I'm like, should I go back? He's like, look, I have not seen you this happy in a long time, why we're fine. We're fine. So within 10 months of that, the fitness director position became open, and went for it, and I got that. So then I got to live this sort of WoW dream that I didn't even know I had a dream of, as far as I am now having a career in something I'm super passionate about, and I get to be in charge, you know, like I get to make an impact a difference. I get to, you know, help bring exciting things in this world to the community. So I was again living my best life, you know, doing our thing, and then, I don't know if it's really ironic, but it's kind of ironic, I guess, in a weird way, in 2013 Well, it was probably about a year and a half to two years before that, one of the programs that I helped bring into the YMCA was, it's called LIVESTRONG at the YMCA, I don't know if you're familiar with it. So it's a cancer survivor program, it's an exercise cancer survivor program, and it's a, it's a national YMCA program. So I was very fortunate. I'm like, Yes, I'm going to be part of this team to bring this here. And I was, I don't like, not only did bring it to the Y here, but I was a. Coach. I was a mentor. I really got hands on involved. I worked with the local hospitals, with the oncology team, and just it was, and at the time of my life, I never even had anybody. I mean, my grandma passed away. My grandparents passed away from cancer, but that was, you know, when, when you're younger, that's just, I don't know that it feels surreal. It doesn't feel real Exactly, yeah, but I don't know. Something was just passionately driving me to just be to make this program the best that it could be. And I had met well over 200 cancer survivors throughout this time frame. And then all of a sudden, one day in October of 2013 my husband and I, and then my brother and sister in law came home from, uh, Green Bay Packers football game, living our best life, you know, enjoying the fall weather. Cheese heads. Yeah, obviously, you know your cheese heads. I love that. Yeah, it I don't wear that cheese head to the Packers game, per se, but others do, but yeah, my sister in law had never gone to a game, so we did all the things, the tailgating and everything that comes with it. So that night, we came home, and they were staying at our house. They live out of town, and my brother looks at me and he's like, Why do you have a lump on your neck? I mean, we're just watching TV in their sweatpants, and I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about right now. So I went into the bathroom and there was a golf ball sized border, as I call it, on my neck. I'm like, Huh? That's weird. And I didn't have any symptoms. I didn't have anything that triggered that. But I'm like, that's weird. So overnight, I got really sick. I got flu, like symptoms, and when we woke up the next day, I felt bad because we couldn't call for breakfast. I'm like, sorry, guys, I don't feel good. And my husband's like, um, you have a lump on your neck and you don't feel good, we're going to the doctor, yeah. And I was always, and has still am, you know, into preventive care, so I'm like, okay, yep, something's weird, right? Yeah. Well, within that time frame, they said, Oh, Stacy, sometimes lymph nodes pop up and create flu like symptoms or vice versa. Here's some steroids. If it doesn't go down in the next couple days, call us. So there was no indication of anything to be alarmed of Wednesday. So I was home from work Wednesday. So that was a Monday. Wednesday was still exactly the same size, still felt the same. So I called, they got me into a ear, nose and throat doctor. He said, the same thing, Stacy, it looks like, you know, it could be just the lymph node. Here's to continue the steroids. However, if it doesn't go down in size by Friday, I will surgically remove this. So he was on it. They weren't wasting any time. I had the best team. So Friday came Same place, same size, same symptoms. So I called he's like, come on in. So he canceled his hunting trip weekend. I went in for my first surgery ever in my life, and they removed the lymph node. That weekend was our 20th wedding anniversary, and so I looked at the doctor, and I'm like, Can I at least have a glass of wine with my husband tomorrow to celebrate as I sit here with this ugly gauze on my neck that I've said surgery, he's like, of course, they see so the weekend went through. We celebrated our 20th anniversary in sweatpants, and, you know, a gauze of gauze, gauze on my neck. And again, I started to feel better. But again, nothing alarming was was there. I went back to work on Tuesday. I'm in my office. And these are moments in time of your life that you will never forget, and when you talk about them, it triggers emotions. So it's about two o'clock, I'm in my office, catching up with have a meeting in my someone in my office, and I'm catching up because I've now been gone for a week unexpectedly. So I just kind of catching up with everybody. And my phone rings on my office phone, so I ignore because I'm in a meeting. Two seconds later, my cell phone rings same phone number. I'm like, hang on a second. So I'm like, Hey, this is Stacy, and it was my doctor who removed the lymph node on that Friday. And because he knew I was, you know, health and fitness director, he knew I loved teaching cycling class, and he's like, Stacy, just take a week off to recover. Don't exercise. I'm like, I I captain, I promise. So I quite literally, because he was this amazing human. Thought he was just calling to see how I was doing and ensuring that I wasn't exercising. And. He's like, hey, Stacey, you needed you know, how are you? I'm back to work, and don't worry, I'm not exercising. And he's like, I don't want to say this over the phone, but I'm wondering if you and John can come in to the office today we found cancer cells, and wait what? He's like, I don't want to talk to you about it over the phone. I want to talk to you about it in person. I'm like, Yep, so I hung up the phone, and I have this beautiful girl who is actually a friend of mine, you know, sitting in in my office, and I have the tears, and they can't even speak, and I'm like, they found cancer. And she comes and gives me a huff. I'm like, I have to call John. So I called my husband, and I again, couldn't barely get the words out, and all I remember saying, Dr Clemens just called and he said, I have cancer cells. He's like, I'm on the way. My husband works 40 minutes from where I am. He was there, I swear to God, in 30 and he comes running into my office. He held me tight. He's like, we got this, we'll do this together. So we went. We had, like, 20 minutes to spare. So we went to our house, and I left my car at the Y and we just sat there, and he just held me, and I I've seen my husband cry before that one other time when a good friend of his passed away, my husband was the strong one, and I could hear him sniffling as I'm laying on his shoulder, and I sat up. I'm like, why are you crying farewell, knowing why he is, but he's like, I don't want anything to happen to you. We had an amazing marriage up to that point already, and it just something just happened that elevated that to a whole nother level. So we left, and the doctor told us we had to find out where your cancer is. That's all we know, is that you have it. When do you want a PET scan? I'm like, like, right this second. So anyway, was scheduled for 48 hours later, and then found out I had left tonsil cancer. I had a half inch tumor on my tonsil. They removed it, went through that process of healing and then started treatment. So that was like out of the blue. My husband took me to radiation every day. He drove. He left work early, and then would work from home for the rest of the day. And then, after I recovered, which was in the spring of the following year, it was horrendous, like there were moments where I wanted to give up and it was hard, but he was there caring for me and helping me get through those moments into of time. And when it was all done and I was starting to recover, he's like, You know what? I'm taking you to Mexico. Let's get away for a while. Let's just and what is this? Is this. This is why this is such an amazing thing that I'm sharing. That point is my husband. We went to Mexico numerous times, but he's like, he wasn't a sun guy, he wasn't sitting the beach guy, but he knew I was, and so that's where he took me. Mm, and we celebrated life. We had a party that that summer. Like, whoa. We like, wow, that was hard. Um, so that was that. And then I retired from the y, well, and I'm and actually, you said, and then I retired from the Y, and I'm gonna pause us there, because we have, we're gonna take a break, because that's what, and that is, my friends, the connection between Jason and Stacy, because they're head and neck cancer survivors, and so when I first met Stacey, I was like, Oh, my heart. And so we're going to take a break and we're going to come right back. It's a new day for getting older and a new day for getting help along the way with care Scout, say goodbye to aging care that makes older adults feel invisible and family caregivers feel alone. Say hello to a better path to finding, choosing and feeling confident about aging care, whether you're trying to understand what type of care and which supports may be right for your loved one, or you need to find quality care now, care scout can be your guide. Learn more at care scout.com careforward is a technology platform that connects volunteers with seniors, the disabled and those with chronic or complex health conditions, offering support like transportation, home visits and more details online@careforward.io All right, everybody. We are back here with Stacey Ryan, and I feel like she has conquered head and neck cancer. We're at that point she gets I'm going to say this, and this is a clean thing, but she kicked cancer's ass. Go for it. I'm going to tell you that this is a clean part. Podcast. But I am going to say that, because anyone you kicked its butt and and she is on the other side of it, and her wonderful husband took her to Mexico to celebrate. We went to Disney. I don't even, I can't even say that, Stacy, you totally got the win on the on the trip, I'm going to tell you right now, yeah, we went with our friends. So, yeah, so you did that, and I hear you say, John is he was? Sounds like a fantastic caregiver. You retire from the why? And you you're very active. And you guys have years you've got, you know, you keep seven years. You keep moving through life. Tell me what happens. Tell me where, what happens with you and John, what happens in 2020 So, yep, life was clicking along. I got to retire early, and then at the end of 2019 similar to me is we were watching the packer game at home, and my husband was like, You know what I don't feel good, which is something that he, if ever said, and so he just, we kind of just lay around and lounge around that Sunday, the Packers game was on that evening, and before the packer game, he's like, you know, I'm gonna take a shower, and maybe that'll just snap out. I just, I'm feeling weak, tired. You know, this will help snap that. So he did, and he he's in the shower, and I'm around the corner getting snacks ready for the packer game. And, you know, again, living our best life, mine and you know thing, and also didn't hear him calling my name in sort of a panic. That's sort of a panic voice. And by the time I came around the corner, he was passed out. So he came to, I'm ready to dial 911, and he's coming to, he's like, what happened? Well, we he was dizzy, and he feels like he just got to too out of a shower. So that evening, we just laid low. I want to take him to the hospital, but he said, No, let's just wait. So we woke up in the morning, and very similar, I'm like, something's wrong, and he admittedly said something's wrong. So we went to the doctor, and at the time, they ran some tests, and they found out that his iron was, like, below the charts low. So here's the horse size pills, you know, sized iron pills. Take these. So he worked from home. Then it was, I don't know, three or four weeks, you guys, before, like nothing was changing. The his symptoms were exactly the same, weak, dizzy and tired. So he would sleep work, sleep work. And finally, I'm like, Honey, like nothing's changing. I feel like we need to do something else. So we call the doctor, and they ordered a stool sample based on his symptoms, like, let's check to see what's going on. Found some blood in the stool. We're going to schedule a colonoscopy and a stomach scope. Okay? So did that within a few days, and I asked the doctor, as we're sitting there in the waiting room, because I went to every appointment with him, my you were gonna get the results today, right? Doctor, he's, you know, he it wasn't the greatest experience of our life, but he's like, you know, obviously, if I have something to show you, I will, you know, show you. I'm like, Okay, it's almost rude. It's almost rude when doctors don't understand your past trauma. Because you guys, and we're very sensitive to this, it's because Jason has a colonoscopy tomorrow, and I'm going to tell you, he is very nervous, and it's exactly that. And when a physician doesn't understand, like, I'm going to want that result, like, stat like, because I'm nervous about this, because of things have happened in the past, it's there's almost some value to being like, Hey, come on, I need some grace here. So right? And even if they don't know your past, at least still be empathetic. Yeah, exactly. Were there not for routine colonoscopy? Yeah. So as soon as the doctor walked in, because he did after the colonoscopy, I could, I could tell something was not right by his demeanor. And he said, All right, John and Stacy, here's the picture of your stomach. It looks fine. And flipped the page, and all I saw was this baseball size black blob on this piece of paper in the middle of an organ. And I'm like, okay, and he said, I can't be for certain that it's cancer, but it most likely is. So again, in an immediate moment which we weren't prepared for. That's it. Our life changed. And so he's like, we'll send it in by the time, you know, was sent in, and then we had a CT scan, and by the time, within a week, we had gotten the results from that team, and we had eight doctors under. Just in our room saying it has metastasized to your liver. We gotta go. We gotta start right now. So you don't even have time to breathe and process right now. You're now, you're in the zone, you're in the cancer zone, and you just go, you do whatever you're told, and go. So we started treatment immediately every treatment he had, it was a chemo regimen. It and we went right to the aggressive it like this was the last resort chemo that we went to, and it kicked his butt. So it was supposed to be where one week he would not feel well, one week, feel decent, and then another treatment and continue that until the tumors would reduce and or be eliminated. Boom, have surgery. Boom, you know, have some years left, but the cancer, or the chemo, quite literally just took him down and out for the whole two weeks. Yeah, and he was sick. I was taking him in for fluids. Um, it was horrible. Stacey, do you think you were a different caregiver because of your experience previously, 100% and part of the thing because I wrote a book series about my these experiences, right? What I say and what I truly believe in my heart, you guys, is that I got cancer to prepare me to help be help, be a caregiver and be empathetic and understand what my husband's going through. It prepared me, yeah, to understand what those chemo symptoms are right? Because I remember, I think it was his first treatment. And nausea and fatigue are two very common words that you we hear absolutely right. But nausea and fatigue don't just mean you want to feel like you're going to throw up and that you're tired. It is so much deeper and harder than that, but without finding the vocabulary to explain that, it's hard to explain. So it's, it's, it's way worse than just being tired and way worse than just wanting to throw up. So the first treatment that my husband was at, I'm sitting in the room, and the nurse came in and she said, How you doing, John? And he said, she said, Are you nauseous? He's like, I don't know. I don't feel good. I don't know. So she walked she's like, all right, let me know if you need anything. So she walked out of the room, and my husband looked at me. He's like, I don't know what nauseous is. I just feel like I want to throw up, and I'm just, I want to curl up in a ball, and I don't, I don't even know how to explain that. I'm like, Honey, that's what Nausea is. Yeah. So I went outside of his room, I went to the bathroom to release some oncoming tears, because I did not want to do that in front of him, and then went to the nurse's station and said, My husband, 100% has nausea. Can you please give him some medication for that so I knew what he was going through and that. So my cancer journey again, not at the time was I thinking, Oh, I'm so glad that I had cancer. But now, right, these are the things that I've learned so in January, the end of January of 2020, is when it was January 31 you know, he had a halfway through CT scan to check status, and the team walked in. They're like, it's not working. It's actually spreading. Sorry, this is all we can do. Like, okay, like, that's it. This is it. He said, You know, I will look for a trial. No guarantees, but yeah. So after each of these very monumental moments, my husband and I would come home from these appointments, and we'd be standing in the same place, and we'd hold hands on the way home with no or minimum words. We'd come home, we'd walk into the house, and we would hold each other in the same spot in the kitchen and cry. And then after that cry was done, we would say, okay, what are we going to do about this and make the next plan? So every time we were told something that, you know, one, it was cancer. Two, it's spreading. Three, the treatment isn't working, like every single time it was that was our routine. And then they did find a trial. It was through Mayo Clinic, which from our driveway to their parking lot was exactly four hours because I drove it every week to get him back and forth for this trial, which we found out, you know, six weeks later, was also not working. In between all of that, I was calling every house. Little system within the world that dealt with this type of cancer. Same answer, you're doing everything you can. There are no other options. There are no other options. There are no other options. And every time you have to hear that over and over, it's like a punch in the gut, a punch in the face, a punch in the heart, over and over, but I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. We are going to find something, right? So then when the trial, the halfway through, that is like, sorry, sorry, you guys. And we came home and we looked at each other. I had one more meeting, a zoom, a phone call with, uh, some hospital in Pennsylvania, East Coast someplace, and it was like a week later. It was early June of 2020, and again, I can remember this call as if it was yesterday. So we're on the phone call. You know, a doctor says, Again, once again, there's nothing more. You guys are doing everything. I'm sorry. We have nothing more, and there is nothing out there. So we got off the phone, and my husband grabbed my hand, and we stood up, and he looked me in the eyes and said, we have done everything that we possibly can do. Let's just live whatever we have life left the best that we can so I nodded, okay, yep, I support your decision in a way that I love you so much, but so we had to make that decision, and then the that was June of 2020, and our life dramatically changed, because it was there wasn't any more fighting for his life, right? It was fighting for every single solitary second that we had left together and embracing it like we've never embraced it before, and it was everything in between taking a Jeep ride with the doors and the top off when weather permitted, and his, you know, he could muster the energy to do it, to go get an ice cream cone, to go ride along our favorite River Road. We just embraced all of these little moments to sitting out on our patio and talking about conversations from how to start the snow blower to what I'm going to do for the rest of my life without him. You know what I want to pick, this is awful, I but I have to take a pause. I'm going to, I'm sorry to have take a break. Yeah, we're going to take a break and we're going to come right back, because this is when you got, this is when you guys really got living and you really had conversations. And I want to keep going. Yeah, I want to keep going. We'll take a break and be right back looking for care in all the wrong places. Try care scout. Our care finder helps you locate long term care providers in your area who are committed to quality, person centered care. With Care Scout, you can also order a personalized care plan created by a licensed nurse just for you. So say goodbye to a path of aging care that's nothing but confusing, and say hello to a more dignified journey, including providers who see you as you and a plan for quality care you can feel good about. Learn more at care scout.com care forward is a technology platform that connects volunteers with seniors, the disabled and those with chronic or complex health conditions, offering support, like transportation, home visits and more details online@careforward.io All right, everybody, we are back here with Stacey Ryan. They've gotten to that point where they actually have been told there's no other options. But you are living a life now that you are choosing to live with the time that you and John have left, yeah. And you know, you just tickled me because he's sharing the information, like, how to start the snow blower. Yeah, to this important, this important man, things like, I want you to be able to start the snow blower, and I love you, and let's take the Jeep ride. Let's eat the ice cream. Tell me the things that you learned about your marriage during that time, that you learned about one another, that after almost 30 years, you know, you were like, wow, this is kind of a surprise. Tell me about those, those things I feel like when you're when we were in this moment that was unexpected. And we had a great marriage. We had a great love. Something in our hearts took it to this another, another level of that is almost undescribable. In words, it was the littlest of things that mattered. We need to be sitting at the kitchen table. I remember one moment we were eating oatmeal. Okay, so it's just your basic OH. Oatmeal with some he would put blueberries in it and brown sugar, but and he made this when it was winter months, on some random Saturdays. It wasn't all the time. It was just something that we did sporadically. But then all of a sudden, eating oatmeal with him at the kitchen table became a really big deal. And he said to me, one day, so this was now, we're in that stage of our life, right, the last six months of his life. And so he looked up at me, and he said, I will really miss eating oatmeal with you. And so, you know, we took each of those moments that, you know, a year prior to that, we just not necessarily took for granted, but kind of took for granted, right? Yeah, because you knew what we'd do. It next Saturday, if we wanted to. There will never be another Saturday for the rest of our life that we are able to do this some point in the next like, after six months next year, this time, this will never be an option again. So and we it was one of those things that we didn't say out loud how precious these moments are because the time is limited. We just acted. We just did. We didn't talk. Does that make sense? Yeah, makes total sense, right? So you i So each of those little moments were just significant. And my husband, I feel like sometimes he knew me better than myself, as far as what I'm capable of and what I need to know. So he started planting. Now, I know he was planting seeds for me, right to prepare me for the now, the after he's gone without him, life to provide strength when he is not here. And so he would say things like, I am so proud of you. You are so strong through this, because the only time I cried was with him. I never cried for him, and I only cried in front of him, if he if his tears were triggered first, and sometimes I didn't even cry then, because it was his moment to be sad. Someone who never cries before, someone who, you know, he was the strong one, right? And he always held it together. I was the, you know, emotional. I'm a girl. He's the boy, right? But somehow I found this strength to be strong for him, and I think it is now. I think it is because of all these things I did before the Iron Man, me surviving cancer, that led me to this point of finding this strength, right? But he would tell me over and over again on how proud he is of me for being strong. Now, when he fell asleep, and I knew he'd be sleeping for a while, I would go into the bathroom and I would cry myself where the snot was running, and I could barely breathe and get it out of my system, or and, or call a girlfriend, get it out of my system, and then march back in and wait for him to wake up and do what I needed to do. That's it feels like caregiver 101, you just, it feels like, suck it up. You just suck it up. It is like a bootstrap kind of moment, like I'm just going to pull myself up by the Bootstrap, and where you give yourself these moments of just small breakdowns. I call them mini breakdowns, many, many bitch fest sessions. Yes, they're these, but you can't. You don't feel like you can, because it's worse for them, like I feel I would feel sorry for myself, like I can't believe this is happening. This is not what we wanted. This is not what this is not what we wanted and I wanted. And then you're like, all right, pull it together. Let's go, yep. And it's this mentality, and it's this it's a strength you don't even realize you had. I know when I did a journal, I look back at the journal and I'm like, I was stronger than I realized at the moment. I really was stronger than I realized. Stacey, in the time that you all spent together, did you grieve together? Did you talk about what you were losing and how much you'd miss one another? Did you go ahead and start that process together? Did he tell you it was going to be okay? Yeah, I don't know if I knew in the moment that that's what it was right to me. It was conversations with my husband, yeah, but he and it was like the snow blower and like, you know, what am I going to do with my life and what opportunities I have. He would just feather this in through us, you know, having the oatmeal, or us sitting down in the patio, or us eating the ice cream cone. And he would say, so I would never be prepared for what he would say, but I knew he had a list in his head that he needed to get out at some point when it made sense for him, and I just followed. Along on his lead, but he would say things like, Hey, I just want you to know that if you meet somebody, it's okay. We were watching Seinfeld at the time, which is our favorite show, and he's looks over to me out of the blue, and I'm like, ew, like to me at that moment of my life. I'm like, he's like, I know, I know. I'm like, but Okay, thanks. And then we continue watching TV, right? He's like, and it was just other things where he would say, you know, not that he was also proud of me for being strong, but he said numerous, 1000s of times, to go live my best life, that I have so much to offer and I'm going to make an impact and a difference in this world, and he knows it, and to go do it, and to not give up. And so all of those conversations just allowed me, while I was then, now a widow, right in my now life, to dig back to to be like, All right, I'm doing this for you, honey. I'm doing this for you. I'm doing it for me too. I'm doing this for you. You said I could do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna so all those things that he had shared with me. So yeah, I guess in some sense, we are grieving and saying goodbye to each other without again saying those exact words, yeah. And I will say this. I know that, oh. I'm like, why can we not have 10 hours later? You know, I know that in November, he started declining, and I know that at that moment, as a caregiver, it almost felt, and even the way that it's almost like this obsessive like I can't leave you, I know that you were by his side every second. And I think about caregiving for a spouse versus a parent versus a child, you know it's everybody has difference. But I know in reading, in what you'd sent over to us, it was just like and even in our conversation, you never left aside, and you were afraid to leave his side, because you just you did not want him, and I know his sister came over and helped, right? And so, and I know that your all's anniversary was December 7, and so was quite literally the hardest time of my life, right? But you find the strength in the moment. It was right before Thanksgiving. He just one night he, for some reason, was getting waking up in the middle of the night at like 2am and I had this futon that I bought and I butted up against our bed, kind of want to disturb him while he was mostly sleeping. Now we had in home hospice. I was his caregiver, and he didn't want to do medication. I did it at the very, very end, but he was already unconscious, so because he didn't want to not be able to communicate with me if there was an opportunity. And those were his words when all this kind of started to unfold at the end of the summer, and he sat up one night, and he said, and I would have to hold him up to sit up. And he's like, as eyes were closed, he's like, Honey, are you there? I'm like, Yeah, I'm here, honey. And he said, Are we close? And I said, close to seeing God. And He nodded, like, Yeah, I think so he's like, I am so sorry. I love you so much. And a tear came down his cheek. He then laid down, and that was quite literally his last words. I didn't know those were going to be his last words, but those were his last words. And then within a week, it was just really hard from I couldn't take care of myself, someone who is very, you know, prevalent in that. So I call this sister. I'm like, I can't do this. And she without hesitation, she's in the car. She's like, I'm away. She took Family Medical Leave Act and stayed with us to help care for me so I could care for him. And ended up staying there. So December 7 is the day that we met, right? And so December 7 2020, would have been our 30 years together. And he is there. He's, he's not talking anymore. He's I'm afraid to go to the bathroom, to walk out of this room. I didn't want to, you know, Miss saying goodbye to my husband, and all day I just kept whispering in his ear that, you know, I love you so much. We did it. We made it 30 years, and that's all I did, is repeat that all day long in his ears, and then the next day, December 8. I don't know where this came from, the strength, but I was brave enough to say that it was okay to go and that I will be okay. But I couldn't stand seeing him like this anymore. He. He didn't deserve this anymore. And I said, it's it's okay. And as I said those words, he quite bluntly said that was the first voice I had heard since he said, I love you, and I'm like, oh my. He can hear me. He can quite, oh my gosh. So I called his sisters in the room and sister in the room, and I'm like, this just happened. So she's talking over him, like, Please God, take my brother. Take him out of pain. And he's like, so the next day was December 9. Every 20 minutes. I have my timer set in my phone. I am putting morphine on, like on in his cheek to help minimize what pain I think he's in, right? And I'm not sleeping, I'm I'm up every 20 minutes, so I'm basically up right? So this has been going on now for three or four days, and I'm beyond exhausted, not just from the three or four days, but from a year, right? And it was at the

it was 11: 46:11

30pm on that December 9, and I woke up to my timer going off. But it was 10 minutes later. I'm like, Oh my gosh, I missed I missed this. I must have fell asleep. In the meantime, I see his sister sleeping in the rocking chair that I had in the room as well. And I stood up, or I sat up to give him morphine, and he was gone. And I screamed into my sister Annie's name. She jumped off out of the chair, and that was it. And I'm like she was so at 1130 when I was supposed to get up somewhere, when we were both asleep, my husband decided to take his last breath, because he knew we were there, and he didn't want us to see that. So I fell asleep for a reason, and I truly believe that in my heart, it was on his terms. But I did not leave aside and not leave aside death, to his part, was quite literally a very powerful thing for me. I know I get teared up. I told you I cried when we were on the phone together. Like, I'm going to tell you right now, I just, there's, it's just, there are no words. It's just, it is a love of someone that is just Yeah, it's so it's hard for me, because I'm like, Cool. I feel, I feel that still so much, and even from the first time I heard it to this time it's, it's so heavy. And it is the love of, yeah, it is a love of a life. And, and I, oh, I hate you clock. And I, you know, the thing is, is, and then, and then you have to keep going, because this was in December of 2020, and you, you are still going, though, and like, still here. And I, this is probably, this is what I was thinking. It's probably my sister question, because you have, like, I listen to your heart, I feel like the love is so much still there, and you have put in process so many things. You know, you said, we've got books, we've got the podcast. You are pouring so much into others, and I want you to kind of tell me how you're still going. Why are you taking this path? Because you could have taken a path to get under a rock and be done. Stacy's done what I tell me about that. So through this process, it's almost five, well, five years from when we were diagnosed and all this was happening, right? And each year I kind of, I just worked harder and harder each year 2021 I just tried to figure out how to get out of bed every day. Yeah. And bed every day. Yeah. And I figured I had two choices. I could either not get out of bed or figure out a way how to and I would celebrate. Yay. I brushed my teeth today. Good job, Stacy. And little by little, I just built off of that. And then the following year, I'm I've always been a goal setting person, whether that's professionally or, you know, for my fitness. So I started setting new goals, like I got to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. Now, my husband says I have so much straw for this world. I don't know, do I and then I started setting these goals, and I thought, You know what? I had a great career, I had a great fitness all these things that I've experienced, I want to see if there's something different that I've never done before that's out of all of that. And my girlfriends were inspiring me to write a book, and I laughed because I'm like, really, they're like, Stacey, you journaled. You inspire us through all of this that you've gone through. Yes. So next thing you know, I created a podcast about my. My widowship journey, and I am raw. I am real. It is out there the whole, the whole process of it. I wrote a three book series about my Iron Man days, about our cancer journeys, what I did to start healing the process after losing my husband. And now here I am. It is, what is it? May of 2025 I have been dating another widow who was also with his wife for 30 years, lost her to cancer and his her caregiver. We are now buying a house together. We are going to start our whole new life. My heart. I never ever thought that I could feel that kind of joy again and that love. But it is quite literally possible to fall in love again. I have, I feel like I won the lottery two times, you guys, because I had this amazing 30 years with an amazing husband, whose name was John, and my now next whole new life with this another amazing human who's also name is John. Um, we're, we're just, we're gonna, we're starting our whole new book and our life and what this is going to be. And I just recently decided that I want to start getting involved back into my wellness and fitness and my passion for that. So I'm opening up a yoga and wellness studio this fall. So I'm not stopping. I mean, I just, I don't know how much I love that. I just got started because I don't know how, like, if you don't walk away from hearing like this is like this goes back to brutally beautiful. It's the it will always be the most appropriate way to describe it is brutally beautiful because there is so much pain. And in that pain, you've been able to find silver linings. You've been able to say, I give myself permission to keep living, and you didn't need John's permission, but John loved you so much, and he wanted you. He wanted you to hear him say, I want this for you. I want this for you because I love you so unconditionally. And then I also think it's pretty, pretty interesting that his name the your new gentleman's name, you're like that, how when you're older, it's not a boyfriend. It's like, your new gentleman's name is John. What do you say when you're in your 50s and you have another person? You're like, no clue. Like, is it your significant other? So are the is that your gentleman friend, boyfriend? You're like, that's my boyfriend. Yeah, it's, you're such an inspiration, yeah? And I love, I guess, for me, and I've talked to people who who have have a new partner after they've been widowed, and that new partner has such a difficulty understanding how you can still love, but there's no limit on love. And I think the new John, I think he probably understands that Stacey, we talk about his life with his beautiful wife and he has two grown adult children. We talk about stories and things that they did openly. We talk about my husband. It is never, you know, we both said that those were that was a significant, amazing part of our life, yeah, and we never wanted to be the elephant in the room. And we will never be jealous with each other. It is, I feel like, again, we have this opportunity to have now met and started a new life, but our life with our spouses is always going to be on the table to talk about. We've cried together, we laughed together, and now we're going to create new memories together. Love it. Love it. It's a whole new life. It is a whole new life. It is. And I love that you are a blessing, Stacy, and I will tell you that I hope that other widowers widows, they hear this, because a lot have so much trouble moving on, and they get stuck, and you are such an inspiration, yeah? Well, and what does moving on look like? And it will look a little different for everybody, because it will. It doesn't have to be cookie cutter, but don't put yourself and and I don't know if you would say this, but don't allow other people's expectations and opinions and limitations. I'm glad you said that limitations limit you from living truly your best life. It is such a personal journey I've met now numerous widows over the last five years of my life and become friends with them. Right? Similar stories of how we lost our spouses, perhaps, but everybody's now, journey is different, and there's no judging. There's no rhyme or reason like it has to feel right in your heart, you know, other than finding yourself again, which takes a lot of work, right? That's important, but however you do that, I feel like it's such a personal. Thing. And, yeah, do what makes sense in your heart, do what feels good that every day is like, don't do that, you know? Yeah, yeah, you know. And I think it is, it's, it's, do what feels good to you and, and, but give yourself permission to fill all the things, the happies, the sads and that and and I think we talked about it in our earlier podcast, grief has no timeline. Grief has no timeline, and it will sneak up on you periodically. And we were JJ and I were talking about this before we started. This is the season of grief, because our dad passed away on July 4 in 2011 and JJ had mentioned, and this is personal, so I know you don't mind me sharing. Notice I said, this is personal, and sharing the last time JJ saw our dad was Memorial weekend, and we're up against Memorial weekend, and it always and the build up to that, and so grief will come, will show his head, and then we always look for the silver lining, like I had this opportunity, I got to tell my dad I loved him, and I think you're just an inspiration. I think you're an inspiration. And this story, I know is going to help so many people, and I rarely tear up because I am a hard candy and I am an Eminem, who they should has to be some, you know, they should sponsor us, because I'm tell you right now, but on the inside, I'm really soft and chocolatey and so, and I love that. I have one question for you, and then, and then we will, and then we'll close up, how? And this is the best one. How do you self care? Of, what is your guilty pleasure? What is the one thing that you do just for yourself that you're like, Uh huh, that's what I'm doing, and I love it, and I don't apologize, and it's only for me. Oh, that is such a funny question. You know, I still love fitness. And for me, I guess I'm gonna do, it's gonna be a two fold to answer question, I guess. One, I still create fitness in my world, and I don't apologize for it, in the sense of, that's the priority. So like, if you want to schedule time with me, yep, it's after my workout kind of thing. What do you think the biggest thing in a general statement is I am not afraid to laugh, and I don't feel guilty about it. It took me a while to get here. It was a process, right? Cuz initially it was like, oh, I should not be happy. I should not be laughing. But now I am truly guilt free, and that's what I hope people can get to so that, to me, would be, I'm not sure it's a guilty pleasure, but you know, it's, it's one of those things where, yeah, I I'm gonna laugh and I'm gonna enjoy it and not feel bad about it. I'm allowed to be happy and, darn it, if you don't like it, I still don't care. And that there's a whole thing with that, because people are like, what you've done this and what, I'm not going to apologize, I'm not going to explain. If you don't get it, then you're just don't not. That's not my issue. That's you, and I won't carry it. Oh, I love this. What a way to a fantastic Stacey, what a way to end like a six series and episodes and recording. We have had so many amazing, wonderful people, and Stacey, Ryan is the exclamation point. You are an exclamation point. So Stacey, thank you for being with us and everybody. Thank you for listening and joining us, and until we confess again, we will see you next time. Bye, bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Thanks so much for listening in to the podcast, but before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confession show. Don't forget visit our website to sign up for our newsletter, as well as connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest and Twitter. You'll also find the video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube Channel. We'll see you next Tuesday, when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at confessions of our reluctant caregiver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this show are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the express written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC, thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant care. Giver, podcast, you.