Love Creatively: A Caregiver's Colorful Journey

This week, Ari Medrano delivers a powerful testament to the depth and complexity of caregiving. As a Mexican immigrant who came to the United States at age one, Ari's approach to caregiving is deeply rooted in her family's values of service, love, and compassion. Throughout the episode, she shares multiple experiences of caregiving, including caring for her cousin with bone cancer, a homeless woman named Teresa, her brother who was a victim of a violent crime, and her mother during critical health challenges.

Her caregiving journey is marked by a remarkable ability to love creatively and find joy even in the most challenging circumstances. Ari's approach goes beyond traditional caregiving, incorporating humor, sensory experiences (such as using specific scents to uplift spirits), and an unwavering commitment to supporting not only the patient but also the healthcare workers around them. Her personal experiences, including her health challenges like heart disease and a brain tumor, have shaped her perspective, allowing her to approach caregiving with empathy, resilience, and a profound understanding of both giving and receiving care.

What stands out most about Ari is her philosophy of "givers gain" and her conviction that we can experience both pain and joy simultaneously. Her stories illustrate how caregiving is not just a duty, but a calling that requires creativity, emotional intelligence, and a deep capacity for love. Whether it was bringing Santa Claus to her mother's hospital room, providing comfort to a homeless woman, or supporting her brother through his challenging health journey, Ari embodies the true spirit of compassionate caregiving.

About Ari:

Ari Medrano is a Mexican immigrant who arrived in the USA as a one-year-old, the middle child in a family of five. Her parents have been married for 58 years. Ari's caregiving journey deepened when she moved from Texas to California to care for her mother and youngest brother, who both became ill simultaneously. She provided home hospice care for her brother in his final weeks, following his brutal injuries from a bank robbery. Concurrently, she cared for her mother in the hospital for six months; her mother is now at home, receiving care from all siblings.

As a mother of two sons, Ari also acknowledges their caregiving role during her own extensive health battles, which included multiple tumors, heart disease, a brain tumor, and numerous surgeries. She refers to herself as an "Olympian patient" and serves as a go-to health advocate for her family, friends, and community. She is notably a "1% Medical Miracle" who regained full mobility after being paralyzed by a craniotomy for a brain tumor extraction. Ari's legacy is defined by her philosophy: "Love God, Love People...creatively."

Transcript

Natalie: 0:00

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver. Podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate be inspired. Leave with helpful tips and resources and, of course, laugh. Now let's jump right in to today's guest confession. Good morning. Good morning. It's great to see you. JJ, good morning. What

Unknown: 0:30

was that song from they used to sing? It was

Natalie: 0:33

like a little show, I don't know, but we learned that song in church camp. Remember Rise and shine? Rise

JJ: 0:39

and shine was what my thought I was awful because she was like, that's way too excited. Guess what?

Natalie: 0:47

We have a guest. I am super ready. You know what? She's she's also my bestie. Like, if we could have recorded our our pre interview session, I don't know why I don't record them, because honestly, we had the best time. And we just chat. I think we talked for like, over an hour and a half. We were besties. She

Unknown: 1:09

definitely hour and a

JJ: 1:10

half. She always gets the besties, and I usually end up being the bestie Ari. So just hold on, I'll be your bestie by the time we're done. Let me tell everybody about, hey, let's talk about Ari. Let's talk about Ari instead of talking about us. And you're not going you're not going to sing anymore. Okay, so today we have with us Ari Medrano, and she is a caregiver, and she has cared for a lot, and I would say that her caregiving experiences are profound. When I read through her bio, she has cared for a mother in law, a stranger, a brother who was a victim of violent crime, a niece and her mother, all in different stages of illnesses and all with really different outcomes. She comes from a family of caregivers, including two sons who cared for her during multiple illnesses, including a brain tumor. If you ever, I think, listen to a show Ari has got, I think, a story that touches everybody. Yeah, so Ari, we are so happy. So many different scenarios, so many different scenarios.

Natalie: 2:13

Love, love, love. We are so happy to have you.

Unknown: 2:18

Thank you so very much. I'm very excited to be here, you know, no hurt, no pain, no laughter, no What the heck it goes unwasted.

Natalie: 2:29

Well, you know, we always like to get started with getting some background information about you, and I know that the first thing you wrote, and I love this because my sister in law is Hispanic, and you said, I'm a Mexican immigrant, and you came over to the US at age one, and I'll let you tell more about your background, about your family, a little bit more about you, so people have like line of sight to understand a little bit about your background. But I love that, because I love different culture. I do too, and I think there's something to be said for culture. And today, we're definitely going to talk about how backgrounds and culture and that sort of thing impacts care and how that's impacted you. So tell us about you miss Ari.

Unknown: 3:11

Thank you so much. You know, I think just so important, especially for those of us who have immigrated right from another country, to be able to say, hey, yeah, me too, right. You're not alone. We're all here, and I got you, I know that for me, as you were talking about how important it is, yes, for me to state that I'm an immigrant, I got a flash in front of my eyes of all of the different journeys that I've been on. I mean, just instantly in caretaking, and I hope being an immigrant was a huge portion of what catapulted me to what I believe be an excellent caretaker. Because what I remember very early on in my early years and coming to America, I remember there was a knock on on the door. We were in, and we lived in an apartment. We were undocumented at that time. We when people knock on the door for those folks who are not documented, typically they open the door. No problem. We were like, who's out the door? Right? It's right. And it was actually, it was actually our neighbor, and she just knew that we were, you know, financially challenged at the time. And so she came over with food and all of these things, and then she said to my mother, you know, the government gives you money. And she my mother was like, What do you mean? And she says, yeah, they help support you. So I can, you know, talk to you about that. And of course, what she meant was, you know, the welfare system, you know, during that time, and my mother was so taken back. And this is not to say that anyone should not be receiving, you know, additional services of any kind, but the point was, my mother was so taken back. She says, What? No, we came to this country to give, not to take. Oh, wow. Can I tell you that that mold? In all of the children. Because when I look at all that we do, each one of us, we are people of service, and we've chosen service industries. And when I say that, you know, I'm going to tie that into caregiving. We are people who give. And so when you are in need, no matter what we have, we are going to share. And even even if it means that I may go without for a little bit, I know that my neighbor has me, and so my neighbor will come to share, just like that neighbor did, yeah, she came to share her bread. Yeah, right. And so it was such a beautiful moment when I was so young in those multiple years that I mold was molded into being a caretaker and to being a giver. And what I've learned all of these years is that givers gain. So that is the beginning of my my journey here in the United States. Oh,

JJ: 5:53

I love that givers gain. Now you mentioned other family members. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Oh, yes, where are you in the birth order?

Unknown: 6:05

So there are five? Well, there were five of us. Yeah, there. My mother actually gave birth to six children. One of them she lost when she was eight months pregnant. The second one we just has left this beautiful earth here in a physical body, and just two short years ago, and so there were five of us here. I was the beautiful, colorful middle child that blessed everybody. That's right, she was the middle. Here we go. There we are. There we are. Our middle. There's so much to be said for that. Our delve

Natalie: 6:44

into that. We all know what happens when you're a middle yellow mustard. And so JJ is over there sitting in her gray Poupon Ness. And so

JJ: 6:54

says the oldest. So you know how it is for an oldest. So,

Natalie: 6:57

so tell us. Let's, let's kind of walk through so you grew up, you grew up in now, remind me, you grew up. You flew I see you grew up in California, okay? I wanted to make sure, yeah, grew up in California and and had your childhood had with your siblings, that sort of thing, and went off and flew the coop and started life. Tell us. Tell us how, but, but you had care sprinkled throughout your entire life because I feel like you have a servant heart. I love that you say that you're giver, but I'm also like, yeah, you're another word for giver is a servant heart. And so you've had multiple bouts of caregiving, and and you may not have even really self identified as that. So let's, let's talk about, where did, where did that first caregiving, that first bout experience of caregiving, begin

Unknown: 7:54

with, with my me taking care of my family, or was it myself? I'm so sorry. Oh, no

Natalie: 8:00

with your family.

Unknown: 8:02

Okay, so it would be, I watched my mother really go through a lot of medical challenges while I was growing up. So with the fifth child, which is my youngest sister, they were told that she had to choose. My mother was told that she had to choose between, it was her life or the baby, because she had a lot of just, you know, female challenges going on. And my mother decided neither like, we're both going to live, we're both going to live. And so they said, Well, that wasn't going to be possible. My mother did not make a decision. They had my father make a decision. And they said, we can only save one of them. You need to choose. And my father at Mo was a very, you know, faith filled, man. I'm a product and daughter of two. A beautiful word is going in my head in Spanish. Excuse me, my first language is Spanish, and I'm thinking of it in Spanish. They were both two preachers. Yes, I wanted to say pretty good. Otherwise, they are both two preachers. And so we were very faith built. And my father says, No, I I choose both of them, and I choose God. And my sister was born beautiful, healthy, and my mother, yes, she lost a lot of blood during the time, and she came home, and she also needed, you know, care. And so I believe I was in the, I think, eighth grade. And so I saw how my mother needed care. And I think I was just being kind of mentored during that time. Was you're gonna have a life of caregiving, so look at the details, right? And so I without knowing, I was definitely being shown how it is to care in love and in good spirit. I don't ever remember anyone coming in angry or upset or or having a less than you got this, you know, the spirit. There were always faith filled people, the rooms, the room was always, and I say, do say rooms, because whether it was a living room, the family. Room, the kitchen, my mother's bedroom was always filled with great sense and a great sense of self in the house. And so that was the first time that I had seen it done. And then I saw my mother do it several times. So by the time the time came for the very first one was my cousin. And my cousin at that time, I believe she was diagnosed at eight years old and with with bone cancer. She lived in Mexico. There was a big difference from where she lived, not only in location, but in the home that she had. So in their home, she only had non carpeted floors. In our home, full carpet. Why this is so important is because the bone cancer started in her knee, and it got so bad that it there was one amputation of one leg, and then the second amputation of the second leg. And she might, she would always say she wanted to come and stay with us during the summer. And the reason she wanted to do that was because here in our home, the only place that she could actually just be herself and have fun on the floor was in our home. So we were the only family that had carpet. So she would come and spend summers with us, every summer to roll around literally on the floor and play with us. Incredibly beautiful. Wow.

Natalie: 11:25

Well, and I know that you said that, that even though she was not, she didn't qualify for, like, the Make a Wish Foundation, they helped get you connected to the right people because she loved Disneyland and Knott's Berry Farm. It sounds to me like you know, even though you know, would you say that I'm assuming that you helped, when you talked about helping to care for her, care comes in many different forms, and helping her to feel included, helping her to feel cared for, helping her to feel giving her a sense of normalcy well,

JJ: 11:58

and giving her really as a child, giving her that she deserves that childhood, and you really made that possible, yeah, during that time.

Unknown: 12:07

Thank you. Yeah, we definitely did. We Okay, so just full transparency. I mean, we just treated her like one of us. We made fun of her Absolutely. He joked like we're like, oh, really, come and get me. Oh, you have no legs. Sorry, sorry, you. And she would just crack up because she was so used to people tip it, toeing around her, or didn't want to talk about it. She's like, hello, this is my life. Like, I'm fully aware I don't have legs. Stop pretending like I do or I don't, or you don't know what to do with that. So I have been very, very early on my poor mother and family. Like, I give it to you straight with a chaser kind of person, but I have such a huge heart, like, I know that I do, and so you know that about me. And so everything that I do, I do in love. And then I hold you capable of, if you think that there's something else going on that you'll just ask me, and if not, then we probably shouldn't be friends. She knew that it was coming from love, right? And I will tell you, she gave it right back to me when she was 15 years old, because this went on from age eight to 15. So the last time, and this is the time that we went to Knotts, very far into Disneyland, she came out, and I know that was her dream. My auntie called me and she's like, listen, I know that you're involved in a lot because I My career started in my early 20s in the nonprofit world, working with marginalized people. I know not a shock. So my auntie says, I know you're connected to a lot of organizations of different things. This is what your cousin wants. I don't know how to make that happen. I don't have the funds for this. And of course, I knew she didn't have the funds. Everything that they had was going towards, you know, my my cousin at this the time. So I said, auntie, like, don't worry. I got this because I knew I wanted her here with this. I knew that these were the last moments. So I called the Make a Wish Foundation. I had a collaboration with them, with a nonprofit that I was working with, and they said, you know, we don't work with international children. However, we will give you the people that we are connected to, and then you can do the footwork. It'll be pretty straightforward. They will tell you what you what you need to give them, and then, you know, send that over. And they'll, they'll walk the steps through with you. But I'm positive that these connections will will work on for you and her. And sure enough, they did. They were wonderful. Knott's Berry Farm was great. Disneyland was great. Think we also went to, we might have also gone to Sea World, and there was another one. And I can't think of the top of my head right now, but they opened the not only did they say yes, but they said, how many tickets? And I'm going, you know, we're Latino, right?

Natalie: 14:43

You know we're Latino.

Unknown: 14:46

I love that. How do I sound grateful? And not just like taking taking advantage of them, but it's like, no, seriously, just alone. There's, you know. And so they gave us 10 tickets, 10 tickets. And. And not only was it just tickets, they had a personal escort that we were given. They gave us these VIP passes to amazing restaurants and experiences. And I mean, my gosh, they gave her the most beautiful, beautiful transition to heaven, like just my gap between her being here and her being in heaven. It was, it was wonderful. And by the way, they also said to her, the rides that you'll go on may compromise you. So they didn't want her to go in on go on any of the water rides they she said, I don't care you. Realize I'm dying, right? Like you realize my time is limited. I'm I'm gonna have fun regardless. I'm gonna have fun. Yeah, and she did. And by the way, that did end up happening. Her all her filtration that she had ended up getting infected, and she graduated to heaven six months thereafter. However, right before she graduated, circling back to giving it to straight with no chaser, and how she gave it back to me. She said, Hey, I really like your boyfriend. I had a boyfriend at the time. And she said, he's really, really cute, you know, I haven't had sex yet, right?

Natalie: 16:13

Oh, my Lord, this is a G rated Ari.

Unknown: 16:21

She says, Do you mind if I borrow him? I mean, seriously, cousin, like, like, I'm gonna leave a virgin. Oh, my goodness, our caregiving just went like this, like, five years ago. Oh, my God, you know, I think we

Natalie: 16:38

do have to take a break. Take a break. We're gonna take a break right there on that one. So we'll be right back.

Unknown: 16:44

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JJ: 17:33

Okay, everybody, we're back here with Ari. We just got through really a first caregiving experience. She did it as a child, but she helped a niece. But you said you were in your early 20s, which I found that to be really interesting. You have another experience in your early 20s, and at that time, this was with a homeless woman, because you were a street outreach worker, which, you know, I think is amazing. That goes back to a lot of Your servant heart. I want you to tell me just a little bit about Teresa and really about how that changed you, because there's something you said that you took away from that.

Unknown: 18:10

Oh, my goodness. And thank you for saying her name. I think it's so important to say the names. Yes, people, right? And so, yes, beautiful Theresa. I call her my little angel, yeah. So she was a woman who was abused, and she was living underneath the five freeways. So for those of you who are from Southern California, and you know where that is, in East Los Angeles, down by Lorena street, she lived there, and she had an abusive relationship that she just could not find herself getting out of. She was also an alcoholic. I would come and see her anywhere between one to three times a week under the bridge right to provide services, to provide care, to provide any resources that she may need. And she got to a point where she just looked very jaundiced, the city kind of got involved, because she would always sit in front of a store. People kind of didn't want her there, and they were trying to there was literally a whole tactical unit to get her off the street. Yeah. So I said, Listen, give me a moment with her. Don't do all the crazy stuff. I will get her to a hospital. I know she's ill. I will get her to the hospital. She trusts me. I see her all the time. Yeah, and true. So she did come with me. I brought her in my vehicle. I took her to the Los Angeles hospital. There she ended up, yes, she had full jaundice and kidney failure. I would see her every day after work, because I truly at that moment, I knew she was alone. No one was coming to see her. No one was asking about her. I knew I was her only human connection, and that just really weighed on me. And I remember the my other, you know, outreach worker friends or people that were going, what are you doing? Like there's, there's millions of

Natalie: 19:54

boundaries. The words you always hear is boundaries. You must have boundaries. And. And the reality is, is we're in Human Services. And, yeah, you know, boundaries. I think boundaries are really important. So as a social worker, we both know we have to have boundaries, but there's also compassion and empathy,

Unknown: 20:15

yes, and by the way, I wasn't being called to all of them. It wasn't like I was going making, you know, from 5pm to 10pm every single night, going and seeing and visiting all now, but I was definitely called to her and her situation, yeah, and I went, and I would spend time with her, and I would just hold her hand. And I remember the first night that I was with her, I said, Can I hug you? And tears just started falling down her face, and she only spoke Spanish. So in Spanish, she says, you know, get us at that side of me, like she was shocked. Like, what a hug. Yeah. So I went in and I gave her the biggest hug, and she just remembering, as I'm telling you, she sobbed like a three year old toddler. I said, Dennis, I love you. She said, Audie, I haven't been touched like this in decades. Oh, my goodness. How do you not? How does that not change you? How does that not burst your heart open to being who God called us to be, right? Love God and love people. That's that simple. You know?

JJ: 21:38

It is so interesting as caregivers, and we've spoken with so many people that talk about the importance of touch and how impactful that can be and and how I think just, I just, you know, don't be afraid to reach out and touch that person, because that does really show that compassion and that heart. Now,

Natalie: 22:00

you know, I want to, I want to push because Ari has a lot of different examples of care where she and people could say, well, that's professional. You got paid to do that. I think if you, if you really listen into the tone, you're like, No, no, it's it. There's a, there is a crossover. Because, you know, there's getting paid and then there's getting paid like this was, feel like you won something in that relationship, like you got, you got as much as you gave and and that's what I that's what I hear. Yeah, I know that there was, I know that your your family, your family has experienced some challenges, and with your brother and with with your mom, and at one point, brother mom, at the same time, two very different things. And I will say this because this could be an entire episode. Is you had your own medical challenges. I mean, own medical challenges that really, I think, set you up for the ability to, I think even make you a stronger caregiver, because you have been a care recipient. You have you have received care, you have advocated for yourself, you've had people love on you, and that sort of thing. And so I think there's a piece of that that's there and that you can I think it's fine to weave that piece in, but I want to hear about your brother, because your brother got injured earlier on, and then I think there were additional complications later down the road. So let's talk about your brother.

Unknown: 23:44

Thank you. Yes, my little brother, Dwight or I call him dwighty. Dwighty, the brat. He was my little brother. After all, we still fight to this day, he's in my head. So yes, it was a early morning, and he was a week away, or just three days away, actually, from going into the sheriff's Academy. My brother is a serving sheriff. He wanted to follow footsteps of brother, of course, so he was putting in all of his time, and he was working as a supervisor for a were they called? Like those people that drop off money. Oh,

Natalie: 24:25

yeah. The what are they called? Oh, goodness, the still armored trucks. Thank you, yeah, the armored the armored trucks, where they deliver money from bank to bank. Keep going. Brinks. Yes, correct. Brink Correct. Thank you. Brinks, you can sponsor this. Yeah, and if anytime we name somebody, we always throw that out.

Unknown: 24:46

I love that. Oh, my goodness. Well, you know what? The actually, the company was that Tron and they should absolutely sponsor you. And so he went, excuse me, one of his employees called in and just said, You know what, I can't make it today. I'm still sick. My brother's like, no worries, it's my last day. I will take your route. Oh no, no problem. Wow. So the very first stop was at a bank, and this robber who was there was one, there was actually five of them, just came out and point blank, blasted him from head to toe, never even asked for the money. Millions and millions, and left my brother on the street horribly. I mean, parts of his brain were blasted out his insides, his leg, and so he was pronounced dead. At the scene, there were some wonderful My heart goes out again, to the police officers and to the fire department. They have when, when the scene is hot, they call it, which means they there's no control of anything. Fires are being shot. They're definitely not supposed to enter the scene. There were two firemen, paramedic firemen, that were having a coffee next to Starbucks. Starbucks, go ahead and sponsor them too. Yes. And the scene was hot, but they heard it, and they ran straight into the scene while the chaos was all happening. And they they, as well as in on Walker saved my brother's life. There was an angel. His name was Joey, took off his shirt. And this was during the time, by the way, when HIV was really, really big and rampant, right? And so there was just very scary time. There was blood all over. He did not care. He took off that shirt and applied the pressure to my brother's brain, where the part that had been blasted out and that that and the quick, the quick attention from the the two fire men saved my brother's life. And so he was pronounced dead about two or three times that day. He clearly did not die strong, strong, strong, strong, strong. I mean, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the family, all you know, came together, drove out there, and that just started, what was decades, you know, of caretaking. And so the first six months at St Mary's Hospital, every single one of us took a different day. They they had a room for us there, you know, we showered there. We stayed there. But those six months, everyone had their day to be there and take care of dwighty, because we quickly knew that at any moment, at any time, anything could happen to him, and if you weren't there to cause awareness, you know, to the staff, because he wasn't their only patient. Yes, he was critically, you know, in the ICU, but he's still not your only patient. We just knew that it was so important in order to make sure that we knew that we did everything that we could for him, we needed to be there during that time. And so because, thank goodness we were Latinos and we have such a big family, we were able to spread the care. Yeah, was there

JJ: 27:40

ever a question about, okay, we're, we're gonna split up these duties, or was it, you know, was it like, hey, you need to go to the hospital, or it was just a set we were all gonna do it? Was it? There was no question about it at all.

Unknown: 27:54

There was no, there was never a question, yeah, that never even crossed anybody's mind it was, What day do you got? This is the day I got, this is the day you got, this is the day I got. Like, this is what we do. I love that who we are, yeah? I mean, even you asking that question makes me go, what? Yeah.

Natalie: 28:14

Well, for some families, they'd be like, Oh, I'm busy, yeah? Or, Oh, I'd love to, but there's the, you know, everybody's always, I'd love to, but I

JJ: 28:22

think a lot of that, and I'll just, we always, we always talk about culture, because a lot of that does have to do with culture. And, you know, we, we met, you know, a lot of different people that, and they say that that is just the way that our family was. And, you know, it's just a culture of that's why we do, yeah, that's what we do. That's how I was raised.

Natalie: 28:42

So he gets out of the hospital and praise God, in that sense, because that's, that's miraculous, the fact that he was pronounced dead, and then, and then, you know, months later, he gets out. But I know that he has complications, in the sense of just his life is going to be drastically changed. And I know that he was left paralyzed and brain damaged for over 20 years. Was there? What was the care like for him over those 20 years and providing level of support? Because a lot of people would be like, Oh, this is my responsibility as a sibling, right? This is my responsibility. What was that like? And especially as, uh, as, and then two years ago, the precipice that really kicked you into full, full court press,

Unknown: 29:29

yeah, um, so the first two years he was married and he had two children. Well, his wife was pregnant at the time, and she was, I mean, they, I believe they were only married for less than than two years. So that was a whole scenario in itself, right? There came a divorce, you know, quickly short thereafter. I There's a lot of feelings in the family that go around that I just know that that was, she was a, she was very, very young, yeah, you know, very, very young. And that's, that's a lot just that grow. Own adult right, with some stability to take care of, right? So they were divorced, so the first two years was really, really challenging. The first six to eight months wasn't as because my family was my parents were the ones that were very, very involved. And his wife, during the time, had no problem. You know, with that, she had been just given birth. There were other she needed to be cared of on a different level herself by her family. So that first year was was actually okay. The second year was way more challenging. He needed to be transferred to a specialty facility that was very, very far away. They actually moved there, and that's when the divorce happened. And so my parents kind of had, they had a physical break, but not an emotional one, because emotionally things were very high, because he was so far. So when the divorce came, he had to live somewhere. He was paralyzed all on his right side, and he had the thinking of probably a third grader. At that point, we lost the brother that we knew. Yeah, he lost the family. He knew there was a point in the hospital again. I gave it to you straight with the tracer. I was like, Hey, do you know who I am? Like, you know me? And he was like, Uh huh. It's like, oh, my name is cheese, right? Yeah, yeah. I was like, Oh my gosh, you ding dong. My name is not cheese. Like, Why are you messing with him? I'm like, No, he needs to also understand like, no, no, let's get this correct, right? So my name is so we would play that little game. He He had to learn to trust us, to love us, that we were there to support him, to support him, and care for him, and that was a whole journey in itself, right? So you you grieve a brother who's still in front of you, yeah, but he's brother anymore, right? So flash forward many years. He came home to live with my parents. My parents became the ultimate caregivers at the time. I during all of this, then ended up becoming very ill, right? So I ended up having heart disease. I had no idea I was 28 years old, and so I was pulled out of the caregiving because now I needed care being I had got married, I was pregnant. I was given 30 days to live at that time, so I went through my own from 30 days to 60 days to six months. I am 53 now, so I am okay. I'm not too shabby, by the way. So the caregiving, I took a step out of that, because, again, I was the one that needed to be cared for. But my family continued on. My sister was absolutely fabulous, until the day he transitioned to heaven. My brother, we all pitched in in different ways, right? But more than anything, my mother, the stress that we saw mom go through, and I think that has a lot to not, I think I know has a lot to go through, or speak to what she goes through today, yeah, is she held all of that in. It's when she shared with us. Yes, she there is. There's almost like an exhale, but a very painful one, right? That that he, she knows now that he's safe and that he's in heaven. But 24 hours, seven days a week, my mom was feeling, is this the moment that I lose my son? Wow, Is he breathing? It she'd she'd give us stories. I'd go in at 1am at 2am at 3am I didn't hear him, like Russell. If I didn't hear I had to go in there. I just because at any moment, any day, he could be gone.

Natalie: 33:34

I'm going to pause this right here. Okay, and take a break. All right,

Unknown: 33:38

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JJ: 34:28

All right, everybody, we are back here with Ari Medrano, and we've talked about her brother, who was a victim of a truly violent crime, and we've talked about your Mom a little bit and the care that she really took lead for your brother. But I know your mom became ill, and you, after your illness, you also became a caregiver for your mom. She really carried a lot of responsibility all those years as a mother. I really think it's a little bit different caring for a child, even though he was an adult with some differing abilities, some special

Natalie: 35:07

how he had a ton of special

Unknown: 35:10

needs. Tell me about your mom. My mom is this incredible warrior woman, just absolute warrior. You ask her how she's doing, she's always fine. She can have tubes coming out of every inch of her body, and the woman will still say, I'm great. And then she'll tell you what she needs and how she needs it, and you absolutely need to give it to her, like, because I'm mom, right? And and because it's what I want, I mean, she's just, she's amazing, and, and we all do it. And even, even when she was in the hospital bed and we were losing her, she was still giving do this and do that, and we were still scared of her. Well, it's a healthy fear of mom. I think we should all have,

JJ: 36:00

like, a healthy fear. It is. I but she came ill while your brother was ill as well. Is that correct?

Unknown: 36:10

Yes, that's correct. So I had just come back from an event that I was participating in out of the state. I came home, I get a call from my godmother, who lives in Mexico, and said, glad you're back, glad you're safe. I need you on a plane, and your mom needs you, and your brother needs you. And I said, What are you talking about? And she says, Your mom's in the hospital. And I said, Okay, now mind you, mom being in the hospital wasn't like mom has been in the hospital a plethora of times, and so has my brother, right? So I just thought, Okay, I'm the health advocate in the family. I'm going to get on the plane. I'm going to be there for a couple of days. I packed a little roll on and, you know, closed for 567, days. I thought the maximum I'll be there is a week. Got on a plane, went over to devastation. And what I didn't know that mom held to herself, because, remember, she's fine. She had been living with COPD for many years, and one of us knew. None of us knew, and so now she had bronchitis that turned into pneumonia that is not as complicated by the COPD. She's on 100% ventilation, high flow. So for those of you who may not know what that means in the medical arena, that means she's never going home. Anytime you're in any type of percentage of high flow that comes from the wall, that's the oxygen that comes from the wall that your your home cannot be capable of doing that right, right? So she'll never go home. She'll end up going if, if they said, if she survives this, which we don't believe that she will, she will have to be in a nursing home for the rest of her life. That is the one scenario that I went home to. The second scenario was my brother was put on life support, exact like, days apart from each other two different hospitals. My brother is now put on life support again, with all the complications that he's already previously had the it will let me add on to that the shelling, some of the shelling, scraps from the bullets that he was blasted with stayed in his body all of his life. Those shellings, those particles turned into cancer, into his body. And so, wow, his body was infiltrated with with cancer. So his organs are now beginning to shut down. He's being placed on life support another you know, he's on another hospital. So can you just imagine, at that moment you don't have time to think about you like, I can't think about me. None of the brothers and sisters were thinking about each other in that moment. We literally were going, can you imagine being dad right now? Can you just imagine being dad because he's losing his wife and he's losing his son at the exact same time. Like we don't have time for emotions right now. We have time to go into action, right so for me, because what I had already been through not just the heart disease, but I had a bunch of tumors all over my body. I'm a beautiful mosaic masterpiece. Under all of this, I knew that I made a decision when I was paralyzed from the brain tumor that I was going I wanted to walk, and I was going to walk and I and I was going to walk out here. That was a decision that I had made. So I do a lot of talking about those personal decisions and getting the results of your life that you want. So I went to mom, and I just said, What do you want, mom? Because it matters. It matters what you want. Are you ready to go home Jesus? And she said, No. I said, have you had that conversation with God? She said, Yes. I said, All right, so we're going to do this, right? We're living. She said, Yeah, teach me. Oh my gosh. From that point, it was on, like, Donkey Kong.

Natalie: 39:42

No, I respect that, because we play Donkey Kong as well, absolutely.

Unknown: 39:46

So, you know, you're taught,

JJ: 39:49

we were talking about that, but you're, you're saying that all of this is going on, and you are strong. Is there any emotion, though, in there for you, like, at some point, you have got to be exhausted. Exhausted. And my other question would be, have you, I know that you are a woman of faith, but do you ever say, Lord, can you give us a break? Can I just get a break for just a minute? Like, could somebody be healthy?

Unknown: 40:15

Absolutely. So when I said I went there for a week, that week turned into seven months. So you can imagine, I lived in Texas. My mother lived in Southern California. I thought I was leaving for a week. What does that mean for me? Financially, what does that mean? Physically, what does that mean? It it means all the things. There was a point why I don't even know if my car had gotten towed. Where did I leave my car? Did I leave it at the airport? I had no idea. No idea. Wow. So there was a lot of things yes, right, that were just they were just stacking. They were just stacking. And yes, to your point of, do you ever have that moment to the Yes, yes, yes. But I had to be very cognizant of when those moments would come and where those moments would come. What I mean by that is I had and also I had to have the right person alongside of me to be able to have that safe space, right. There were moments where it was just me and Jesus, absolutely that usually came in the car. On my way home, I was with my mother from eight in the morning till 8pm at night, sometimes later, because I just gave the people that work there a little bit of extra candy or candy, or whatever it was, exactly,

Natalie: 41:24

I'm all about bribery,

Unknown: 41:27

100 Yes. So those moments were by myself. However, I had my cousin, the one whose sister passed away. So my niece ended up, excuse me, my cousin ended up passing away at 15. Right, graduated to happen. And her sister was the caretaker during that time in Mexico. So her and I were connected all throughout, right? And so I knew that she had gone through many challenges, and she also was the caretaker to her father, who graduated to heaven a few short years ago. And so she immediately, you know, got on, got on a call with me when it all happened, and so she let me know, listen, I'm your phone a friend. I'm telling you right now. I'm your phone a friend. I know you've gone through a lot, I know you've been through a lot, but this is a double whammy, and you're going to need some more support. So what I would do is, when I my cup was like, Oh, I John, I'm overflowing in so much information coming in and no emotion coming out, that I would go into a bathroom far far away in the hospital, and I'd sit on that bathroom floor. I know it sounds disgusting, but the floor was actually clean in a corner. Call my cousin in Mexico, and just sob, sob, and talk about how unfair it was, and talk about my stinky siblings, because it wasn't all cherry, you know, and flowers. There was a lot going on when a brother is in a hospital and a mother is in a hospital, then you have, you know, the the Our Father, Who is either falling apart or he's in la la land, like he's just going everywhere, right? So how do we deal with that? There were, there were many moments where we were not aligned. There were many moments where there was yelling. There was many moments where there was a lot of love and a lot of care. It was all the things, all the things it feels, all the emotion. And so they weren't a place where I can heal and restore, right? So I had to find a place, and I found it with this one cousin who gave me the safe space to just, you know, emotionally and verbally vomit and not hold me to the standard that was coming out of my mouth at the time. So there's your answer, yeah, you know.

Natalie: 43:45

And I think that's so important, because I will tell you. I mean, especially for me, I had a very small number of people that I would be able to really do that with. I mean, clearly my sisters, the sisters, got it all that, and then we're a safe place. And I hear you saying to other caregivers, especially when you're going through really hard, but even if you're not have your person, and if you get to have more than one person, great, but have a person who is a judgment free, safe place where you can just word vomit, all the thoughts, feelings and emotions, without fear of rejection. And that's really what it comes down to, is you've got to have that. And some people will say, Well, you can have counseling, and counseling is great. Don't get me wrong. I think clinical licensed clinician has, they have their place in that, but, but you're also that's one hour a week, or, if you're lucky, to and who is your person that is just going to let you word vomit like, spill out and and for a lot of people, I think you really have to ask permission. Because I'm like, hey, I need permission. Like, when I was upset the other day, I called you and I said, hey. I'm really angry. Can I? Can I just kind of let it loose, and you're like, and I'm ready, and then we're

JJ: 45:07

done. You were like, are you still there? I was like, I'm here. I'm still listening, yeah. And that

Natalie: 45:10

was exactly like, 10 minutes later. JJ, had not even said a word, and and I was like, Are you still there as tears or, you know, snot fest is coming through. And she's like, yes. And I'm like, Okay? And I think that is, that is anyone, I think that comes down to, you know, whether it's caregiving or just in life, having those people that really lift you up and are safe. I think that's important, and that especially in caregiving. Oh, yeah, so I Jay, I don't, I can't believe, I mean, like our time is our time, yeah, and it's time for sister. Questions. I have

Unknown: 45:45

two. Is that okay? You can have as many as you want. Okay, all right. Ari,

JJ: 45:50

do you feel you're going to be a caregiver for the rest of your life? Like, are you okay with that? With you? I know you have both of your parents, I believe. But do you see that in your cars? And are you okay with that?

Unknown: 46:03

I know that I was called to be that. Well, I do know, or I feel that we're all called to care for people right the now, the level that you care, that the the investment, I know that's different for everyone. There are people that actually shouldn't be caretaker. Preach,

Natalie: 46:19

girl, preach.

Unknown: 46:22

Let's just be real. I'm like, I just need you to step aside. Love with love. But here's the thing, when it becomes about the patient having to now be emotionally responsible for what you can't handle on the other end of them. That's right. Gotcha, you just say goodbye. I walk out the door. We're not doing this today. So I, however, know that I do have a gift of compartmentalization and a gift of bringing joy to a very unstable, very hard situation. So I will, literally, I will walk in rooms of folks who are not well. And I actually even forgot there was a girlfriend who I worked with, who I actually care was the caregiver, until she took her last breath too, because it was too hard for her family. And I remember I would like go into the room, to her room, to everyone, and be like, Oh my gosh, what are you doing? You're so lazy. Get up. Like, seriously,

Natalie: 47:26

I love how she infuses. Humor is the best medicine. Humor is medicine. Okay,

Unknown: 47:32

really is and so I do have the ability to just step aside, like, put me aside, and it'd be just all about them. Like, it's not like I don't have my own stuff going on. I have a lot of heavy stuff, but what I have learned throughout my life and my journey is that I can do hard things. We can do hard things together, and we can live with pain and joy in the same hand. I love that we can live in pain and joy in the same

JJ: 47:54

hand. Okay, here's my sister question. You say that your legacy, says my legacy love God and love people creatively. Tell me about creatively. Give me an example of loving people creatively.

Unknown: 48:08

Okay, so I will give you the example that my father gave us during this time, because, as I said, Can you imagine my poor daddy? So the very month, this is when everything was so heightened. And by the way, because I'm just going to wrap this part up for folks, my mother is now at home at 2% low flow. Miracle. That's right. So what daddy did the very first month? It was during Christmas when all of this happened. Y'all so Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's all the things. Was in the hospital. What did daddy do? Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes to the hospital. Santa Claus is giving candy canes out to everyone in the hospital. Comes into my mother's unit, right? Comes into her room, comes over and kisses her. Mom is like, I mean, we have this picture. First of all, mom's like, looking like, DOE eyed, like a little girl, like she's happier one foot in, one foot out, and then Santa Claus is there. She's looking up at him so sweetly, and then he kisses her. And then we're like, oh, it's dad. It's dad. Because I don't know what she was gonna do, but it was so like, she was like, her shit was very sweet, and I was like, but it now, that's loving creative that is, you know, being able to get out of self and go, who can I be for others? And dad didn't just do that for mom before he ended up in mom's room. Dad was in everyone else's room. And by the way, never ask for permission. Oh,

Natalie: 49:43

I love that. Like, Jack did not get permission slips. Yeah, I

Unknown: 49:47

like that. Nope. He didn't care. He was like, well, let them kick out Santa Claus. Who kicks out Santa Claus? I love that. So, yeah, creatively. So I have had that example all my life that wasn't like the first. Time dad ever did something like that? So loving people creatively, loving people where they're at, loving them with joy, loving them with humor, loving them, you know, with candy canes. We we would bring saunas like, Excuse me, spa days into mom's hospital room, right? We would make sure that she was oiled down, and we made sure that the room, not just that room, but the break room of the nurses, smelled nice, so I had like a spritzer that I would come in with, and I would spray the room, or I would go down the hallway. Actually, I have one here. Again. They should be sponsoring your all Trader Joe's super lemon room spirit. We this right here. I think we probably spent at least$1,000

Natalie: 50:48

do you know it's so funny that you're talking about the lemon the spray, because the smell of orange actually lifts your spirits. And lemon would make sense. It's a fresh feel. It is, it is a lift up. And if you think about, how do you use lavender, how do you use I mean, think about that. Yeah. I mean, Johnson's baby, that baby lotion for babies, it's like crack. But when those babies, there's a reason babies smoke good because they've got, they are bathed in lavender. And, you know, peppermint. And you know, you think about the sense that really evoke and really help stimulate and so, because when we use all of our senses for self care, I think, and I hear, you guys are caring for other people in addition to caring for your mom. And you know what I mean, you're caring for the nurses because you're thinking, you're you're that insightful to say we're going to care for you, because it goes back to when caregivers need caregivers, right? Advocates need advocates.

Unknown: 51:50

Yes, they were so they were so worn, and you can see it in their faces, right? I could see the switch, at least in some of them. Thank goodness that they did switch it up. Others just came in with some other faces, and then we're like, yeah, like, yeah, we're not going to use that one anymore. Yeah, by the way, y'all, you know, you can choose who comes into the room and who doesn't. I'm just saying anything, and use that power, yeah, positively for the patient in the room. But yes, I want them uplifted, because if they feel good, they're going to give from a good place, right? And so they're human too, and they're taking care of your human and even though I go home at 10pm who's watching her from 10pm to, you know, 7am when that's right, when I'm not there, right? So I'm going to care for you, and I'm going to come with goodies, and I'm going to find out what your favorite, you know, little pick me up. Drink is, non alcoholic, of course, that I can bring during the day. I'm just gonna put that out. But, you know, I can, I can bring donuts. I can bring cookies. I mean, we did that as a family. We would be texting each other and going, all right, I'm bringing donuts today. Oh, you're bringing coffee today. The receptionist the same thing, because poor thing had to deal with this whole entire Latino family that would come in every day, all day. Clearly, we were hiding when they were counting people in the room. Oh, I support that supposed to be there. I said those kinds of but yeah, creatively is, is all the ways, all the scents, all the, you know, the lotions, the oils that the hair, washing mom's hair in real products, right? Making sure that those I brought locktane. You know, it mattered. It mattered to be able to look and feel and smell like a human at that time. And so, yeah, and then we had, you know, other family members that were out with my brother, which, by the way, my brother did come home before mommy came home and we he came home, home hospice. He came off the life support so wild that God was like, yeah, no, we're gonna let him, you know, go home to me at home. So we had him for three weeks at home before he graduated to heaven. And so I left mom stable. I went home to take care of my son. Excuse me, my son. I did call him my baby boy when I was there with him to take care of him, because it was just too emotionally taxing for my family during that time. And yeah, and it was a very, very special time. And so he's now graduated to heaven, but we loved him creatively a lot. There we had pillow fights with him. We were named Colleen, called him a jerk so many times, told him he was a brat. Stop being the stinker. Lakers suck, because he loves the Lakers. And so we just want to get under his skin on purpose to get him to react. But loving creatively, you know, as crazy siblings do, Wow,

Natalie: 54:23

I love that. I know. So here's my last question, here's my last question. It's always the last question. And I always, and I've been doing this. I mean, I think I've asked this every episode for two and a half years now. You know what is your favorite guilty pleasure? But really, a guilty pleasure is really if I don't know why has to be guilty, what's the thing that you do for yourself? Like there's so much fun you don't want to tell you. Don't want to tell anybody sharing with anybody I'm not sharing like I've had, we've had people say everything from stopping at Starbucks and not telling anybody that they were getting it, they do drink it in the car, just. For themselves, but what is the one thing you do, just for yourself, the one thing the way that you you fill your bucket that you just love to do if you get the chance.

Unknown: 55:13

I don't even know if it's the guilty player. It's just a pleasure, and it's what fills my cup. And folks might go, Oh my gosh, she's just too Christian. She's just but I listen. I did it before I came on with you. I feel the atmosphere with joy and praise. And so I worship every morning. And for me, as a faith filled woman, it's in the only place in the Bible that that it says he inhabits us, which is he lives in us is he inhabits our praise, and so he like abides in us when we praise Him. And so I am like the praise crazy like Amen, Lord, I was dancing around my place before we started this podcast. As a singer,

Natalie: 55:54

the atmosphere, you know, she's a singer, I feel like she needs to come on the cruise with us. Because,

JJ: 55:59

are you a K love fan? Are you like dancing to Christian music? Absolutely, I'm

Natalie: 56:03

gonna I am. I am a I will tell you if there had been cameras in the room at Memorial Sloan Kettering, when they would take Jason out, I would listen to Christian music while I was waiting for his scans and stuff, and half the time and I and I felt like I was sitting so much, and I would get up and I would dance in the room. And there was a time that he was gone, I'm pretty sure I got 5000 steps in from dancing in place and and I felt so good. And I'd every now and then I'd be like, I wonder if one of those nurses come by to check in on me, and they looked in the little door window, and we're like, nope, she's fine. She's crazy. I do love me some dance into some Christian music. I know it really brings me joy.

JJ: 56:47

All right, thank you so much. Just for sharing, because you have so many unique stories, but the way that you've approached them truly is with a serving life. It's, it is, it's a servant heart, and it's, it's give to gain. It

Natalie: 57:00

really is to gain. I like the love creatively. There's a couple of phrases that you said that really stick with me. Give to gain and just loving creatively, and it allows for you to individualize that love to that person. It doesn't just have to show up in one way, because we are definitely we love in multiple ways. All right. Thank you so much for being with us. We love you. You are now officially an honorary sister, and always be a sister. And guys, thanks for being with us, and until we confess again, we will see you next time. Bye, bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Thanks so much for listening in to the podcast, but before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confession show. Don't forget visit our website to sign up for our newsletter, as well as connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest and Twitter. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube Channel. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at confessions of our reluctant caregiver, have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this show are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the express written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC. Thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. You.