“And Other Duties Assigned”: When caregiving is unexpectedly added to your Job Description

"I felt this sense of odd FOMO." - Taylor Fix

Meet Taylor Fix, a remarkable caregiver whose journey began in childhood. Growing up in a close-knit family, caregiving was second nature. But it wasn’t until she became a farmhand and full-time caregiver for Bill, an elderly man she bonded deeply with, that Taylor truly stepped into her calling.

💬 Join us as Taylor opens up about:

• Becoming a youth caregiver and how it shaped her identity
• The emotional and mental toll of caregiving
• Navigating family dynamics and communication challenges
• The importance of self-care and support systems
• Why many caregivers struggle to identify with the label "caregiver"

About Taylor:

Taylor lives on a small Virginia farmstead with her partner, dog, and a lively mix of animals—some for food, all for love. A self-proclaimed “Jane of all trades,” she holds a degree in Animal and Poultry Science from Virginia Tech, with minors in Political Science and AgBusiness, plus a stack of certificates “as long as a CVS receipt.” With a lifelong passion for agriculture, Taylor has worked across farming, advocacy, and mental health support—drawing on her deep connection with animals to help others. She serves on multiple boards dedicated to mental health and community service, living out her calling one story (and adventure) at a time.

This episode is a must-listen for anyone navigating the world of family caregiving, supporting aging loved ones, or looking for honest conversations about the reluctance, resilience, and reality behind caregiving.

Social Media:
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Learn more about Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver

** Caregiver Action Network Caregiver Help Desk offers free support to family caregivers via phone, chat, or email Monday through Friday, 8:00 am - 7:00 pm Eastern. Get answers, resources, support group info, or a listening ear. Visit www.caregiveraction.org/helpdesk/ or call 855-277-3640.**

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Transcript

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Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad, and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Now let's jump right in to today's guest confession. AJ! Hi Natalie! I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, you know why? So we were able to stay at the Hard Rock last night because of the recording and I slept so great. I bet that felt good. You know, we were in the same room and the reality is is I was like I wonder if I should sing or wait until the podcast so I'll go ahead and sing now since I chose to wait. right, let me tell you about today's guest. I know I'm gonna introduce our new guest though because it is an excellent time and the reason being is that we've been goofing off a little bit this morning and I've already heard you sing. All right so today we have a guest. You know what we have a guest and her name is Taylor first of all. not Taylor Swift, okay? But this is, I'm gonna tell you right now, Taylor is amazing and this is probably one of the most unique caregiving scenarios that I've heard of and which is why Taylor's my bestie and I said, hey, you should come on the podcast. Okay, go ahead. Okay, you messed up part of it. So first of all, I want to say it's unique because I don't think Taylor, we have ever had a story like yours. It is so fascinating. So I'm super excited to share it with everybody as long as Natalie, you know, zips it right now. So I'm going to tell you about Taylor's background. She is a self-proclaimed Jane of all trades, which I love. And she says she's a master of none, but I think she's a master of a lot. uh She has spent the majority of her life farming and advocating for agriculture in some capacity. So love that. But now she's also an advocate for individuals experiencing mental health challenges. She says, I love this. I do. love this. The good Lord is ever revealing to me my purpose and I am along. for the ride. Oh, that feels good. I know it does. It makes me, it makes me feel great. Her caregiving started with granny sitting. She has, I think, trademarked that term, granny sitting after school, which is, you know, like I said, something she should coin. But when she began working for Bill as a farmhand in 2021, little did she know she'd become his caregiver too. That's what we're going to talk about today. like, don't give me. everybody's gonna be good. Okay, Taylor, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Yeah, you have to all of our guests have to put up with us for just a second as we goof off and then we talk about how you're the second coming and because we love that all of our guests are so amazing and so we we absolutely love it and we're thrilled to have you here. um So Taylor we love to start off by saying start from the beginning you were born and then tell us about some childhood kind of work us through because you love the granny setting like so I think we're going to start back it sounded like. um Caregiving started early and it may have been culture. So tell us about you. Tell us about your background. wow. So I grew up in a really small town in Virginia, and we lived right next door. Well, the majority of my life, I lived right next door to my where my grandmother grew up. And then my grandparents lived. not over a river, but through the woods um from them. And so we really grew up having my grandparents as a second set of parents. If we weren't at home, that's where you could find us. And so I think that what I have come to find is that my relationship with my grandparents for my generation is actually very close knit compared to a lot of my friends. And so because of that, Um, yes, like I grew up watching my grandmother serve as a caregiver to her mother, my granny. And then, um, when she passed shortly after my grandfather got really sick. And so she became a caregiver for him. And so it's kind of one of those things where I guess caregiving is in my blood, you could say, um, you know, because I do what I can for her now. She'll be 80 in May, but she still lives on her own and. um And you know, it's pretty active is as active as she can be and and so it's it's just been amazing to kind of see the transitions through time But but yeah, so I started going over to my grandmother's house. I'd get off the bus my great-grandmother's house I'd get off the bus when I was about 11 or 12 and I would sit with her until my grandmother got home from work just to make sure that she had what she needed that you know if if she fell that, you know, somebody was there to kind of watch her make sure she got to the bathroom. Okay, things like that. And so yeah, that was kind of where I guess what you said my term granny setting was poigned but but yeah, and so and then you know, I was really close with my grandfather watching him be someone that was really active. He really inspired my love for the outdoors that I talked a little bit about in my bio. ah You know, he was a an avid gardener and loved to forage for mushrooms and love to hunt fish. And so I followed in his footsteps literally and figuratively a lot of times as a kid. And so when he got sick and when we lost him, that was really difficult for me. But again, just watching my grandmother care for him the way that she did and... everybody kind of stepping up like because the people when he got to the point where he couldn't attend church we would take turns sitting with him so that my grandmother could go to church and so yeah it's it's just something that's kind of always been instilled in me is to serve and care for others. You know, I'm going to say this is very, this is very unique and for another, you know, for many reasons, but because I look at Taylor and Taylor, whose last name is fixed, she's not just Taylor. First of all, we didn't say that in the introduction. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, Taylor fix. Um, but Taylor, you're not that old. And for Natalie and I are in our, we were born in the seventies. How's that? Oh, that's a good way to put it. Yeah, they were in 70s. we're 50, Natalie's younger than that, but 49 and 51, but you're not that old. And so in our generation, we're small town as well, and we saw that. But for your generation, that's not something that is common. Ask Taylor if you don't mind. Will you share how old you are? Because you look like such a puppy. look like you're 12. uh Well, I hope that that trajectory stays on, I am 34. Wow, okay, so and this and so if you think about it, okay number one you look like you're in your 20s So whatever your skincare regimen is keep going girl keep going um I think exactly that because we grew up in we it really was a family of care It was a culture of care and you know, and I'm assuming that Church was a big piece of of your all's growing up as Taylor nods her head for those who are listening. Yeah because It really, the village, this is the concept of the village takes care of itself. And I wonder about it being a rural thing, but we also know culturally in other cultures, like when we talked with Donna Kim Murphy, she is very, uh she's Korean, and it's very much, so in certain cultures, in certain areas, it is very much, it is a culture of care because you don't have the opportunity not to, and tons of service. you're I just you know a little funny. So what did your friends think you're 11 or 12? And you're like, I'll see you later. I'm going to hang out with my great grandmother. Yeah, what are they doing? You know, I mean were they like well, I don't understand why she's doing that. What were kind of some reactions you got? any like, I guess, extreme reactions to that. uh Because I guess because, you know, she lived right next door. So it's not like I was really getting off at necessarily a different location per se, um you know, just a couple driveways down. But yeah, I mean, it was it was one of those things where I do remember, you know, there were a couple of times where I'd get asked, well, hey, can you come over after school and be like, No, I can't because I've got to watch my granny until my nanny gets home. you know, which that was always honestly, that was more of an interesting thing to explain to me because people like you have a nanny and I was like, not a nanny, like my nanny, you know, you know, like, you know, a professional caregiver kind of thing. But, um but anyways, so, so yeah, it was interesting to some kids. um But yeah, definitely not as I think I think if I were growing up today, I would get significantly different of a reaction. Yeah, I think you're right. Because I mean, even though you were introduced to technology, our kids today are definitely I mean, if you think about kids that were born after 2000, especially because I mean, I had my first cell phone, real cell phone when I was in college and I graduated in 98. And so I think about that. mean, like I didn't have a computer until I went to grad school. And so, you know, we're kind of like you were on that cusp. that cusp of not really having, but you're more fluent in it. But I think you're right. Would you have, do you think that you would have identified, looking back at it now, because it was, I was definitely a youth caregiver because I, by definition, I helped with my grandmother after my grandfather passed. I pretty much lived with her all the time, but that was really because of she let me eat the Lucky Charms and I'd eat the marshmallows and she would eat the regular. And so we just split the cereal. But would you say, would you have self-identified as a caregiver at that time? And even now looking back at it, do you think, I guess I was a caregiver. the time, absolutely not. It was just part of my responsibilities. Kids have chores. That's right. And that was kind of part of my chores, if you will, was to look after her. it was just, again, was one of those things I loved my granny, I loved my grandfather. And so for me, it wasn't this title, it was just a part of being. And so, you know, it's, you know, because they cared for me, you know, as a child. so it was just kind of like, oh, you know, that that's part of it is repaying some of that. mean, of course, I didn't think that at the time. again, looking back now, it's you know, it was all a part of that relationship building and just, know, really what created the bond that I had and have with my grandparents. And so, you now I think I shared it. It's like this, the whole confessions of a reluctant caregiver could not pertain to me more because even though now in the capacity that I have with understanding more of what caregivers, you know, kind of the broader sense of the term is it's like I still am reluctant to call myself a caregiver, even in the situation with Bill, because it just wasn't. you know, I've always, I guess, kind of thought of caregivers as more of like, like my grandmother, who, who that was just a very active part of her, you know, daily life. And then people who are professionally trained to caregiving. And in the situation as it pertained to Bill, I was neither. you know, so it's, it's just very, yeah, again, I'm reluctant to call myself a caregiver. I'm coming around. to that idea of certainly kind of knowing again what the term means now, but it's just still as hard to be like, oh yeah, I was a caregiver. You know, go ahead. Well, no, she's mentioned Bill, and so I'm kind of like... yeah, because that's exactly where I was gonna go. I want to go like so you had that experience carrying a love for your your great grandmother and then you're supporting your grandmother now and and so but life goes forward. You decide you're going through school life moves on you decide to go to Virginia Tech. So go Hokies. And um see, yeah, like Taylor's like, uh-huh, that's right. And so, tell me about life and moving on and kind of let's keep moving forward, because we're gonna come up and we're gonna have the opportunity to meet Bill, but fill in the backspace. Yeah, when I went away to college, was, you know, when I first left, you know, things were okay. It was about halfway through my college experience when I was away at Tech that my grandfather's health really took a turn. And that was really difficult for me because again, I was very, very close with my grandfather specifically. And so I felt this sense of like, odd FOMO that I was missing out on taking care of him. know, my sisters, many of my sisters had stepped up to the plate because I was the oldest. And so, you know, that's kind of where a lot of the caregiving kind of stuff kind of naturally fell on my shoulders. Yes. Because, know, like one of my sisters used to, and this is more, you know, kind of more my childhood background, which is a completely other story. But my one sister, my middle sister, she used to call me Mother Goose. because I was the one that would kind of help to take care of my younger siblings. But anyways, as it pertains to my grandparents, I felt like I was missing out. Yes, I was so glad that some of my other sisters had matured and were stepping up to help take care of him, but I just, I was sensing this, okay, things are taking a turn. I'm not there to spend time with him. And I just really hated that. But you know, my grandmother would check in with me and reassured me that things were good. And so that was where I always when I came home, I stayed with my grandparents uh from college. so that was where I spent a lot of my time. And then even when I left Virginia Tech and started my first job after graduating. I lived in Roanoke and it was kind of the same thing. It's like I visited home as frequently as I could and I always stayed with my grandparents. ah But it was, it was really hard. And actually when I lost my grandfather, I was actually out in Colorado for a job interview and I got a phone call saying that he had really taken a turn and it was one of those things I was getting ready to hop back on a plane and just leave and say, heck with this, you I don't need this job kind of thing. And my grandmother was like, absolutely not. That's not what he would want. And, you know, unfortunately I was literally driving up to say goodbye to him and he passed. And you know, that still is something that I carry with me to this day in terms of that of, you know, again, I, but I have so many wonderful memories with him and I am so, you know, blessed to have had that time and to have the stories I do and. I just, you know, thinking about him, I mean, there are days still that I miss him and we'll get teary-eyed because I'm like, man, I just wish that you were here to be here with me for this. I know we're gonna, before we jump to break, I, you're like, again, I feel like there's so much of her that is us. I'm gonna ask you, so you said that you're with the oldest. And when you said Mother Goose, I want you to know that Emily, our youngest sister, wrote an essay that was called The Red Mother Hen About Me, because I also am the oldest, so similar. How many siblings do you have? Oh, I well, I come from a blended family. I mean, I my mother, I'm one of eight of my mother's children, but she so I've got three half siblings from her first marriage, and then I'm the oldest of my dad's five girls. Yeah. Oh, he didn't stand a chance. was didn't know even the girls even the dogs in our house were girls like my dad did not even stand a chance and he was just like whatever that's fine after they just our parents gave up after three. They were like forget it. We're not going to get any boys. I'm gonna jump to commercial. Yeah, let's get a break. We're gonna jump to commercial and then we're gonna talk about being a farm hand and what happened then. and let's do it. All right, everybody, I jumped to commercial. Natalie didn't even get a chance. I didn't even get a We got Taylor. She's the oldest of five. She's got sisters, all sisters. Natalie and I are loving that. Taylor, you've gone through college. I love the stories of your grandfather that you still carry with you because I feel like, you know, we carry the stories of our grandmother. It's been 20 years. And those stories are, it's been over 20 years. They're still so close to our heart. Let's talk about what happens. Let's talk about the next caregiving experience. because you still don't call yourself a caregiver. Let's talk about you becoming a farm hand, which I love. Yeah, mean farming has definitely been a huge passion of mine. I think, you know, it stemmed from working with animals my whole entire life. It was one of those things where, you know, what that looks like for me, my involvement in agriculture really shifted through the years. um And so kind of how I ended up being a farmhand for Bill was that I had just left a job uh working for the Department of Agriculture. And um it's crazy because Dylan and I had just moved into our house. And so me leaving my job was not a part of the plan. But because life was life-ing and some things took place. And so I was like, all right, this has got to happen. And so I was kind of just taking some time to kind of figure out, okay, well, what's next? I've got to do this thing. And so I was actually helping at a friend of mine's, she raises sheep. And so I was helping them uh shear one day. I mean, it's kind of, I don't know what y'all's experiences with shearing sheep, but it's one of those things that's an all hands on deck type thing. It's hard, hot, and kind of gross work. And so... Anyway, so I was, know, over that, and that was how I had met Bill, is because he had brought in, because what they did is they had like different folks that raised sheep in the area that would come together so they could kind of all get them sheared at once. And so he was there because he had brought, you know, a load of sheep down as well. And so we were taking lunch and I was just chatting with him and this and that and blah, blah. And so he gets to tell me, said, you know, I, I've got a trip coming up and I could really use somebody to look after the farm for me while I'm gone. taking my grandson fishing. so anyways, he, said, okay, you sure. You you just let me know the dates, like all that good stuff. Like I'll take care of the livestock while you're gone, all that good jazz. And so that happened. And I was staying there and, you know, and so then that was really kind of the seed that was planted for them, you know, because then he started calling me, said, you know, are you, he called me like, you know, a week later after he'd gotten back kind of thing. He's like, Hey, we've got, we're trying to get hay down. Will you come and run one of the tractors and this and that. so I like, okay, sure. And so I go and I'm helping make hay and then one thing turns to another. And he's just like, you know, I really could use, like, I appreciate your help. You know, you're a hard worker. Would you mind, you know, just continuing to help me? And I said, yeah, that's fine. You know, I need something to do until I figure out kind of my next step. And so in that process, while I'm, you know, putting out applications and things like that, I just continued to work for him. helping to make hay, rotating animals, helping with calving and lambing and just all kinds of different stuff. I learned how to drive a manure spreader for the first time. Yeah, that was fun. It was one of those things that my dad's a truck driver and I sent him a picture one time. said, I'm gonna be the next one in the family to get my CDL, which has not happened, but. eh It's anyway. You still got a lot of time though, Taylor. We're breaking really fast here. want just I'm gonna interrupt her because you can need to look at this on YouTube. Taylor is 34. She is absolutely. She is like every country song. She is beautiful. I'm like, I'm telling you. Like this is the best part and I'm sorry Taylor, it's very distracting because you keep describing all these things and all I can think is farmers.com. You are the epitome of here is meeting your most beautiful farm lady and she ain't playing because she'll probably whip your tail. so we feel like I need you. that out because audio it's different here as we're like she's you know okay but I'm like you have got to look at the YouTube video Taylor is beautiful so she is braids and brawn and just we had to throw that okay so anyway JJ digress sorry about that Taylor. So you're helping, you're doing all this, your manure is spreading. Yes. Yep. You know, I mean, it was one of those things too. I mean, I was helping to fix fence and, you know, running a chainsaw, all this good stuff, right? You know, things that most people don't think of, like you said, when they see me, they're not thinking, yeah, this girl can run a chainsaw or, you know, spreader. But anywho, so there I was, you know, and that just kind of, that is what took place is I just continued to work for him on the farm. loved it. I mean, I was in my element because again, love farming, love agriculture. My dream has always been to have my own farm. And so anyways, um but the thing about Bill is that he is a very stubborn man and it was very hard for him to accept his age, which I get. I get, you know, I am one of these firm believers that age is just a number and it's all about how you feel and things like that. But at the same time, at some point you have to recognize what your limitations and such are. that was where Bill and I would start to butt heads a little bit is because there was this reluctancy on his part to allow me to do some things. You know, where... you know, it was easier for me to run down lambs when we needed to catch them and tag them and things like that, um then it was for him. And there were numerous occasions where, you know, he would fall and we're in, uh because he's on the border of Virginia, West Virginia, rocky territory. So there were, you know, there was some safety concern there. And so we butted heads a number of times on things like that. You know, rightfully so. And Then what ended up happening was, I guess it was the winter of 2022. I can't remember what I wrote on my timeline. Was when he, I got a phone call and he was in the hospital. And what had happened was he had, lived on his own up on top of a mountain, very like horrible cell service. I mean, that was definitely one of the things that was a little scary about that situation. And he had fallen in the snow trying to get wood and got severe frostbite on his feet. so he, you know, very fortunate because originally the trajectory was that he was at least going to lose one of his legs. Whereas what ended up happening is he lost the majority of both of his feet. And, you know, and so it was one of those things where there was a long stay in the hospital where, you know, I was back and forth. there to visit with him, was also trying to do what I could to take care of the farm while he wasn't there in that time while also trying to navigate not stepping on the toes of some of his family. What? I was getting ready to Taylor, who is in his family? Where is the family? Because it sounds like you and Bill are tight and that you guys have been working together for over a year and that you all are, you know, it is your employer, but you all work together. And this kind of work is just, is work together. And so where's the family in this? The family had definitely an interesting component to the story because it was one of those things where he had kind of an estranged relationship. He's got two sons and they lived down off the mountain from him. And they had He kind of had a tense relationship with both of them. And it was one of those things where it really did, when all of this kind of stuff took place to where I stepped in to kind of take care of him, it was really difficult to navigate because I wasn't 100 % sure what he had shared with them about kind of, you know, because he kept a lot of things from them. Because one of the things like that he had shared with me when he was in rehab after he left the hospital, was he was like, they are going to put me in a nursing home if they find out how little I can do for myself. And he was like, I will not make it if that happens. Like that is not what I want. Like you have got to help me. And so that's really what had kind of led to me transitioning into this position of caring for him, of like not only continuing to kind of care for some of the farm stuff, but also to help take care of him. And so it was interesting because yes, like some of the responsibilities on the farm were taken off of my shoulder because, you know, the one son picked up some of that in terms of taking care of the animals and not, you know, necessarily putting them back up on the mountain and just some different dynamics there. But there was still, again, this big disconnect between. what I was doing to help Bill and what they were kind of knowledgeable of in terms of, because he did not want them, like he did not want them involved in paying any of his bills because he didn't trust. And so, you know, there was just a lot of, guess, you know, for lack of better word, there was some secrecy there in terms of like, you know, he just really didn't want them to be privy to his financial situation. They didn't, he didn't want them to be involved in his care. Um, so, you know, I was taking him to his doctor's appointments. I was, I was doing his laundry. was cleaning his house. I was, you know, doing all of the, you're right. Like all of these different things, as well as continuing to do some things around the farm, um, to kind of keep up the appearances that he was doing better than what he really was in terms of how it looked to his family. And that got really sticky at times. I got really sick. so just out of curiosity, is the farm a business where he generates revenue and that's how he pays? Like that is, so are you having to also operate almost a business? Is it a business operation so you're like really running a business as well? No, no, I mean, yes, farming is a business, but it wasn't set up in what you think of as kind of your normal day to day business. mean, yes, there were like, for instance, you know, all of his feed and a lot of the things that we like when we would go out and make purchases for the farm, they were charged to account that he had a core co-op. so then I would have to go through at the end of the month when they sent the bill. to look through all that and then pay it and all that kind of stuff. uh I didn't know if you had to worry about I got to keep getting revenue in so bill can live or things like that like I didn't know if that was also a worry that you had on yourself yeah, no, fortunately for Bill, he had he had a very lucrative career with the telephone company. So he had he had that pension. OK, OK. Okay, so that's good. let me ask you this, because this is a very, and this is why I wanted Taylor to come on, is because this is a unique scenario. Like this is, I am your employer or employee, and I have now transitioned into this care responsibility for you personally at some level on the finance side, on some level of managing your household. I mean, The question is, is did Bill have other paid care that he had come in or was it really, trust you and you're my person that I really want to provide my care. person with the exception of there were a few things like at one point he had to have a pick line for antibiotics. Okay. And so when you know they were when that was being done there was a nurse that periodically came in to to do that. Right. But other than that I mean I was taking him to his appointments and I was you know we would pick up the groceries and things like that while we were out and You know, I was doing all that kind of stuff. you know, and I also, on the days that I couldn't, either I couldn't be there or even in the evening, because it was one of those things where I checked in with him in the morning and in the evenings to make sure that he had gotten in okay, that he had woken up and was doing all right, just to kind of check, because there were some other things that he had going on health-wise that weren't associated with the amputation that also needed to be monitored. Um, and so, you know, that was, that was also kind of a reason why I would check in. And it was so interesting because, you know, that was, that was something you talk about mental health stuff. know, that, that was where things really started to take a toll on me. Uh, because, you know, I was constantly having to have these check-ins and for time, there were times, especially on the days where if I, you the weather was bad and he was shut in, I was shut in, however, like I was on the phone with him for hours. Because he was lonely. And one of the things with him living up there on his own, not really seeing anything, one of the things that he frequently told me that really broke my heart was that he's like, you know, if I didn't have you to talk to on a daily basis, Like it's one of those things where if I passed away, the buzzards would be flying overhead before my family found out. You know, and that is, I want to pick up there. Actually, we need to take a break. We're going to take our second break. um because isolation and loneliness is one of the hardest things, I think, for our aging folks. And not even just aging, it's for individuals who have disabilities, you know, complex or chronic illnesses. Let's take a break and come back because I want to jump back into that. All right, everybody, we are back here with Taylor and we've gotten to a point and Natalie and I, were always, I think this is the mental health part and the toll that it's taking on. Yeah, because I'm thinking Taylor and Bill are in a relationship. Yeah, and take but Taylor already has her person. They have a new house. has a life. She actually has a person and they're also trying to figure out what's Taylor going to be. And when I say relationship, I'm not talking about a sexual relationship. I'm talking about, it's gone beyond employee-employer. It is a friendship that has developed. I think, know, I almost wonder too Taylor, because Bill's older, I wonder if Bill is also for you reminding you sentiments of your grandfather. And so let's just, I mean really, I know that I am very endeared, Taylor, to older people myself because I grew up with my grandparents. My parents both worked and I was always hanging out at the hardware and I was always hanging out, I was always with my grandparents and I never thought anything about it. But I am always endeared to older people. And I don't know if that was, do you think that may have also influenced you as opposed to somebody different or do you think that's just, I think I've got the gene, the care gene. the gene, you know, I mean, my grandmothers make comments about that before of I've got the gene, you know, and that it's definitely part of my personality. um So there was definitely that component to it. I think it also helped that I understood agriculture the way that I did, you know, it's because You know, as women, we have a tendency to be more of the nurturing, caring. And so I think there was a piece that drew him to me because of that in terms of getting me to be, you know, the caretaker. But also there was this piece of, you know, this is someone that also understands how important my farm is to me. And, know, in how to keep things going so that I can remain on my farm. and not be put, it have to be put into a facility. the truth. I would say to his generation, because our mom's the same way, she said to us, you know, nursing homes are where people go to die. And I will be dead within a week if I'm there, because none of our family went to skilled nursing, or a nursing home, you passed in your home. But I want to talk a little bit, because it hurts my heart for Bill to say that he was, if he didn't have you. that and taught to you every day that, know, it would be very, it would be probably unbearable for him. And because he doesn't have family, and I think we have to acknowledge family dynamics and why we, why we think it's so important to say your caregiver may not necessarily be blood. And, and this is a perfect example of that. But tell me about how this impacted your relationship with Dylan, because you've, your, did it, was there any impact there? Did he ever look at you and be like, Don't you think his sons should take some of this tail- 100%. You know, it really frustrated him a lot. And it's still one of those things that he can't really wrap his head around the dynamics. ah Because, yeah, I mean, because he saw the toll that it was taking on me emotionally. Because, you know, I would get off the phone with him and I would be, you know, just in complete transparency, I would get angry. sometimes with having these conversations because he would be on the phone telling me because he did he was experiencing some depression and he was on medication for it and it was really you saw this significant difference especially in the winter when more isolation occurs in that age group. uh Um, and also because of his situation, his living conditions that it just innately made it more so. Um, and so it was one of those things where it just put this immense amount of pressure on me to be not just this person that's, know, doing, you know, checking some boxes of things that they have to get done, but also in being this emotional support and, know, providing this again, emotional component to his well-being. And that was hard because, you when he would call me and he would be experiencing, okay, you know, it's snowed and he's been snowed in for a few days, hasn't even been able to get out to care for the animals or anything. And so, you know, he's feeling very isolated. His mental health has gone down and he's talking about, you know, suicide. And I'm on the phone with him. And there's nothing I can do because I can't get to him. I can't get to him. can't, you know, all I can do is talk to him on the phone and, you know, just encouraging him, telling him that I'm here that, you know, cause he would say things to me like, you know, I know I'm just a, I'm a burden on my family and I know I'm a burden on you now. And, you know, I'd have to keep saying these things like giving him reassurance saying, no, you know, it wouldn't be here if I didn't care about you. And there were then times when I'm getting off the phone with him and I'm in tears. I'm angry because of the fact that I feel like I need to do more and that I can't do more. I'm going through kind of the emotional roller coaster. then I'm, because I'm then bawling because I'm like, gosh, I hate the fact that he feels this way. And what do I do because he does not want me conversing with his family. And my thing is, that like from my perspective of what m I was limited to in terms of the knowledge I had about those dynamics. I was frustrated of like, why are these people not wanting to do more for him? But the things that I had been told was that he was a major component in distancing himself from his family. Yeah. You know. It just was, it was all around just very, it was a lot. It's messy. Let me ask you this, because you're caring for Bill and you're doing stuff on the farm, even though there's some division of kind of responsibilities with the sons, um or the one son in particular, but are you, you were saying a while back, I'm thinking about what my next job's gonna be, and are you looking for another job at this point, or are you like, This is where I'm at right now and this is because I don't have the opportunity. Do you feel like and I don't say this in a bad way, but do you feel like you missed opportunities because of care? that. That's my question. Are you on hold? you your life on to put it, a pause. Do you mean at that point in the story or right now? At that point in the story. At that point in the story, yes. mean, so one of the things that had happened, and that was another like kind of dynamic shift, because when he was in the hospital, he was, I don't remember exactly how long he was there, it transitioned, because then I wasn't going up there. And so, and again, the trajectory was not good. And so I am anticipating this situation of like, okay, he might end up in long-term care. And so I am then not going to have a job doing that period. at this point, like at that point I had, because I had such consistent work with him and I loved it, I hadn't put as much effort into finding a job at that point. And so then when that happened and I was very uncertain, it was one of those things where I had gotten a phone call um about a diner that had been shut down during COVID. They were trying to get somebody um that would come in and bake to do all of their bread, because they had a little store that they did at least try to keep open despite the fact that the diner was closed. And so I was like, okay, they're like, you we know that you bake, you do all these things. So, know, we should find stepping in. Of course she does. course she does. spread manure and she can bake. Go ahead. Keep going. So I went and so while Bill is in the hospital, I step in and I am because actually what had happened was their baker had to go and help her brother who had fallen off of a roof. And so I was like, okay, well, this is going to be a short term thing. But again, unsure of how long and that's kind of what I was looking for. And so I stepped in and so I started doing that at least three days a week where I was making at least like 36 loaves of bread a day, cinnamon rolls, all these different goods. going to get a visit Taylor because I'm feeling hungry right now with these cinnamon rolls. So let me ask you this. So you've put your you kind of put your whole career on hold a little bit because you're you're doing an odd you're doing a filler job in preparation for Bill to come out of of inpatient or to pass or to or to pass. what ultimately because I'm going to fast because I want to get to our sister questions. What ultimately happens with Bill? He comes back. How long does this last? This kind of upheaval lasts. Gosh, I think that's kind of the thing is this has been so it was such a there were so many different dynamics to that whole situation, you know, with with the changes that I went through with accepting other little odd jobs while he was in the hospital. um know, and then when he came out with that meant with trying to then have some of these odd jobs as well as then take care of him. I mean, there was just all of these moving pieces. And so, I mean, I know four to six months were we kind of in this thing where he was in intense care. And then when he kind of got out of it, was more this, know, he just had the frequent doctor's visits and things that I had to go because he had, you know, he was in wound care. Yeah. So it would have to take him, you know, to to see his surgeon and they would, you know, assess whether or not because like at one point he got readmitted to the hospital after being at home because of the fact that the infection came back into the bone. Wow. And so they ended up having to remove another another chunk of his foot. And so it was just always kind of up until he passed in October. It was just constantly this, you know, what what's going to happen next? We really don't know. Well, and I know that you said it was close to two years, around a two year, a year and a half to two year window of time. this? Yeah, it is. Bill passed in October of twenty four. And so I think and I know that at some point I think we talked about this. mean, yes, you were employed by Bill, but there were times when you weren't getting paid for this. You were just Bill's person. And and so I think, you know, I have one more question for you. Jump into the other questions. Did Bill sign over that you were like his power of attorney, that you were his primary contact? Did he do any of those things so that it may be a little bit easier if you had to call on his behalf? No, he did not do that. that was because that was another point of contingence. know, one of the times that I went to visit him in the hospital, his one daughter-in-law was not the kindest to me. And because I think that, you know, one of the things that we see in situations with elder care is that there are unfortunately predators out there that will prey on the vulnerability of older ones. And so I do. understand from where they were coming from of like, who is this woman? And what does she want? Right. And especially because I don't think that there was much communication happening from Bill in terms of my helping on the farm and kind of, you know, what our relationship extended on and things like that. so I do think that from their perspective, there were some questions. there was. But no, mean, there was never any, know, yes, like I prepared his tax documents and all that kind of stuff. Going back to your question about like the farm and stuff is like I was doing all that kind of stuff. But in terms of any official work, like I was privy to when he met with his attorneys and things like that. But I was never actually, I never signed anything indicating. And it was one of those things where I, that was kind of a boundary for me as well, was like, I do not want to, I don't want to be on any kind of documentation to where your family, like if you pass or if you get to a point where you can't make decisions for yourself, that then I'm at battle with your family over your care. Because I just, was like, that was a hard line for me of like, I will do everything I can to fight for you to stay home if that means that, I've got to tell Dylan that I've got to come up and stay there for, you know, a couple of days out of the week or something. I was like, I'm not going to let you pass in a nursing home. Yeah. But I do not want to be on any paperwork to where it looks like I'm trying to take advantage of it. And I'm going to tell you, gosh, I'm like, we're going to be best friends with Taylor. can feel it. He has such a heart to care. oldest child. You do have the convictions of the oldest child. I think Taylor's situation is more common than we know. I think there is so much more common. And I think you're so right, because now you work at an area agency on aging. And it's so interesting that you've gotten into that work, because your undergrad is in you know, agriculture and and you also but she also has a minor in polysci and so of course she does. So like and when we were talking I kept just saying I feel like it's it's uh Animal Farm or you know also like 1982. Yeah, all of our or well books, but so you've gone on Taylor you've gone on to. Did you start working at the Area Agency on Aging in your area after bill passed or before? Because I couldn't remember. So technically it was before because what had happened was I was trying to seek out resources to get him assistance to figure out, what are the things that I that would help him stay at home when I can't be available? You know, one of the things he his bathroom was on the top level of the house. And so he had to go upstairs. Well, that was really difficult, you know. And so I was looking into is there a way that we can get a lift, you know, and things like that. And so That was kind of where I initiated things with V-Pass and there was, I was approached about with kind of doing this interim stuff. People knew that I was looking for part-time work and things. And so they had actually asked me if I would be willing to clean at their headquarters. And their headquarter office. And so, and that was a one day a week kind of thing. It was flexible because, my biggest concern with any opportunity was, well, will I have the flexibility if Bill needs me? And so they're like, yeah, of course, you that's a priority. We'll work with you however you can. And so I started cleaning for them. And that was actually April of last year. And then what happened is in the midst of Bill's health kind of starting to also take a turn a little more back this fall, um that was when they had actually approached me about the position that I'm in now. And they're like, you know, we love you. Like you clearly have a heart for this stuff. You know, we really want love to offer you, you know, we've got this position that's getting ready to open up and we really want you to apply. Like we have you in mind for this position. And so I was like, okay, you know, but again, bill's my priority. And so what, you know, and they're like, that's fine. We'll work around all this kind of stuff. So actually as I am interviewing, and going through the process for getting hired for the position I'm in now was when Bill passed away. And so it was just so wild how it all kind of came to fruition. All of a sudden there was this big piece that was weighing on me about even accepting this kind of work. um And then I didn't necessarily... have to think about that anymore, know, not, which was difficult, you know. Yeah, it was, uh it was a rough, that was a rough transition. it was. But you know, I'll say this though, your experience with your grandparents, your great grandparents, but your grandfather and then Bill has led you down a path, an unexpected path that makes you perfect for doing the work that you do today, which is supporting the aging population, those with disabilities and that sort of thing. um It's time for sister questions because I know we're over our time, but I just I'm like, don't care. want to keep hearing. I love Taylor. I want to keep hearing this story because it's so unique. And yet I don't think it is at all. think we just don't talk about it. Jay, what's your questions? So, watch for your questions. I have a lot of questions, but I'm going to limit it to my one. Okay. So I have a comment as well. I'm not going to get all teary usually, Taylor. Sorry, but I don't have my Kleenex with me. You saying I always believe that a door opens like and so you said in my intro that you're just along for the ride. that God is, the Lord is showing you the way. I just love that. And I think that you're where you are because of, know, Bill passed. I think the timing was right. I think the lessons that you've learned are there to help people like me, help people like Natalie, people that are listening, because it's hard. And you saying, you know, I called the area on agency because I need a lift. I think that's just like I needed help and that's why you're there. I'm, you know, I'm so sorry that I'm all teary. Here's my question. You're one of your things is have the hard conversations. And that's one of the, that is one of your, your things that you want to tell people. Why should you have those, those hard conversations? Why is that you talk about anguish, mental anguish? Why is that so important? Because, you know, with my, with the dynamics with Bill, like I said, I mean, he was a very stubborn man. And there was kind of this fear that he would push me away. If I started to kind of ask too many questions or, you know, set certain boundaries that he would push me away the way that he'd push some of his family away. And I knew that that was not going to benefit him despite in making that choice for himself, you know, if that were the case. And so I was always, I was just reluctant to want to have some of these tough conversations that need to be had. And I really had to overcome that barrier because there were times where, again, I was causing myself more mental and emotional heartache because of the fact that I was... wanting to talk to him about these really hard things and instead I was like having those conversations with other people around me of like, well, you know, why is it that you're doing this or you're, just don't understand why he's, you know, acting this way and these things. And when really I needed to be directing those questions to him, I just had to figure out the right way to do it. And eventually I did. And, and it's one of those things where, man, I just wish I would have done it sooner because And that's the thing though, you learn, you learn as you go. But it's important because if you don't, you're gonna continue to deplete yourself as a caregiver and then that doesn't serve you and it doesn't serve the person that you're trying to care for. ah I love that. got one more question. She is wise beyond her years. She is an old soul. is an old soul. I love there's another comment that you made in here that I wanted to ask you about, about finding healthy support to talk to when things are hard and that you say venting to the wrong people can make things harder. Explain that a little bit more. oh So, you know, in terms of this situation, what I mean by that is that there were times where I tried because, you I was coming home and I would be frustrated with all of these different things that I shared. And I would try to talk to Dylan and Dylan was not helpful because he didn't really, he wasn't involved in the situation and he did not understand. I mean, he had never been a caregiver. had not really had these experiences with older, know, grandparents and things the way that I had. And so it was just really hard for him to be able to even sympathize with my situation because it was just definitely not something he could relate to. And so it was one of those things where he was more likely to get frustrated with me because then he's like, well, just cut him off, like ignore, know, all this. Like he's not your responsibility. Like it's, you're not his family. You know, do you need to contact them? And that just made it harder for me. And so it wasn't until I kind of was able to then vent some of these things to people with the area agency on aging. I started to talk to some of them because they were familiar with these types of conversations, had worked with caregivers. and talking to a counselor about and sharing some of the hard pieces of what I was going through, the grief, the anger, the sadness, and sharing with them and having their professional take on how I could care for myself while also navigating the care for him. And so that's why I say that that's so important because again, as somebody who's a mental health advocate, It's like in these situations for caregiving, we so often see people that end up neglecting their own health. again, that does not help you serve yourself and you can't help serve those people that you're trying to help. oh I'm going to tell you I'm going to I'm about to end it there because just no truer words and this is you know Taylor this has been such an impactful conversation something that people I think will resonate because I know that you know for folks who are not familiar with the area agency on aging there are triple A's across the United States they get funded there they're really meant to help support your aging population your disabled population they are They are really a key resource in communities, but they're not everywhere. they are, is usaging.org is a great place to go to find out your closest uh area agency on aging because they have different names sometimes depending on the state. And so I'm going to tell you that AAA is so fortunate to have you because you have that lived experience, but our experience has always been really great with working with them. And I know that you said, We talked about in the past that if they don't have a resource for you, they typically know other people who do. And so they will be able to help connect you to what you need to get connected. I always like to end with this, Taylor, and this is my favorite question. I need to know what is your favorite guilty pleasure? And I call it guilty pleasure, but really it's self-care. What is the thing that you do just for you? What is your favorite thing? Gosh, that's tough. know. Especially because it's somebody that has taken self-care a lot more seriously in the last handful of years. That's because now I've got more of those things. um You know, I think for me is going out in the morning, especially if the weather's nice and getting having my cup of coffee and getting in that red light. ah Sometimes I literally, it's one of those things I'm glad I live in the middle of nowhere because if people, they would just see me sitting on the sidewalk. Literally crisscross applesauce in my pajamas, fuzzy socks with a cup of coffee and just soaking in the sun and having those moments to where I can sit and be grateful. I love that. So that's. And attitude of gratitude is always gonna serve you because I think we can get so wrapped up in the hard and when we realize I have a, my life is not as bad. This is pretty darn good. know, Taylor, thank you so much for being here. would say, Taylor, you were raised right. Grandma was right. You were raised right. raised right. Be sure to tell my nanny oh That's what my grandma would say. Well, and you've been role modeling to the next generation, too. I'm just going to tell you because we're going to I think down the road, we know that in the next handful of years, there will be more individuals over the age of 65 than under 18. And we are going to have a crisis in care. And we need to we're acknowledging that. And so how do we support one another? And and it's not just it may not be family that provides the support because we we know that we will all need care at some point. So build your team and build. built his team. I mean, it happened to just be Taylor and she wasn't related. And so it was team bill and team Taylor. So Taylor, Taylor, thanks so much for being was we appreciate you and guys, uh until we confess again, we'll see you next time. Bye bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Thanks so much for listening into the podcast. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confession show. Don't forget, visit our website to sign up for our newsletter as well as connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and Twitter. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on the Confessions website and our YouTube channel. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this show are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the express, written consent of the Sisterhood of Care, LLC. 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