When Caregiving Finds You: Navigating Alzheimer’s & Family Care

"You have to be ready to roll with it." - Alfredo Botello

Stepping into the role of caregiver isn’t always a choice, it’s a journey filled with love, loss, and unexpected lessons. J.J. and Natalie welcome novelist and screenwriter, Alfredo Botello to open up about caring for his mother after his stepfather’s passing and navigating the challenges of Alzheimer’s and assisted living.

🔹 Key Takeaways:
 ✅ The emotional toll of caregiving & shifting family dynamics
 ✅ Misconceptions about caregiving & lessons learned along the way
 ✅ The power of empathy, connection & vulnerability
 ✅ Why self-care isn’t selfish—it’s necessary
 ✅ Finding joy in shared moments, even in difficult times

Alfredo Botello is a novelist and screenwriter who has worked on projects ranging from the indie Sundance Global Short La Revolucion De Iguodala to the studio tent pole Fast and Furious 9. His debut novel, 180 Days, has garnered multiple literary awards. His second novel, Spin Cycle: Notes From A Reluctant Caregiver, was published by Koehler Books on 1.14.25. He is a Fulbright Fellow in architecture and a Nicholl Fellow in screenwriting. In addition to screenplays and the novels, he contributed a chapter to the Amazon bestseller Wellness Through Words, and has written for The San Francisco Examiner Magazine, Metropolis, Diablo, Surface, The Utne Reader, Style, The East Bay Express, and The Monthly. Botello co-owns a cocktail bar in downtown Oakland, Little Bird Bar, and at home dotes on his two Corgis, George and Dotty.

Social Media:

Website: alfredobotello.com

IG: https://www.instagram.com/alfredo_botello_author/

FB: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61551868357118

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/alfredo-botello-aa16aaa0/

X: https://x.com/alfredobotello

💡 Whether you’re a caregiver or know someone who is, this honest conversation offers insights, support & encouragement for the journey.

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#Caregiving #Alzheimers #CaregiverSupport #FamilyCaregiving #SelfCare #ElderCare #Compassion

Transcript

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Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad, and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Now let's jump right in to today's guest confession. Why are you touching me? You know, you're going to leave a bruise when you put, when you. Well, you're not that sensitive. You're not breakable. Well, I'm getting older, it's a little harder to... It's because, again, we're just back in the studio to get- Nope, moving on, okay, we got a guest today. That's fine. That's the way it's going to be. I know. Any stories from Connie today? No, the last time we were on, I told you that, you know, she had called me 11 times in three minutes. Actually, today, this morning while we were recording, yes, she was sending me messages. She was doing stuff on her phone that I don't even know how to do. She wrote something about a falling tree and then wrote a line for strikethrough. Yeah. I don't even know how to do that. A 70 year old mother knows how to do a strikethrough. shouldn't have an iPhone. That probably is going to cost extra. You know what, but we're here because guess who we have today. When I say it, you're gonna laugh, because he said I could say it with a southern accent. yeah, it's a boy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I love I love our male caregivers because they have such a different perspective than the girly girls. Yes, but everybody is so great. But I really am excited. I told our guests that we weren't sure that we were cool enough to actually bring him to be on the podcast with us because he's really cool. And you guys will understand why when I read a little bit of his bio. So today I'm going to say it Southern. Today's guest is Alfredo Botello. How'd I do? it Fred? Okay, Alfredo. I will be nice. Alfredo Botello. And he is a man who wears many hats. Get ready guys. He is a novelist. He is a screenwriter. He is a bar owner. My favorite. He is a corgi dad to George and Dottie. We're all dog food. Alfredo has worked on projects ranging from indie films to big studio hits, but he has written, well, he's written many books, but he has written a book now that has caught our attention. Get ready guys. It's called Spin Cycle Notes from a Reluctant Caregiver. He was meant to be our is. says, spoiler alert, it hits hard and it's a real for anyone who's been in a caregiving trenches. Okay, here's the story. Behind screenplays and books is a story that many of us can relate to. It is messy, complicated and deeply human. He is speaking my language. Alfredo became a caregiver for his mom, Lisa, after his stepfather Jim passed away. And Alfredo admits he didn't fully recognize at first the illness that his mom really what she was going through. He describes moments of get ready again, frustration, confusion and snippiness. Well, that is my life. feel like I'm already. All too common in caregiving, but rarely talked about. And that is what I like that he said to true honesty there. His mom's Alzheimer's journey became his own crash course in caregiving, a seat of the pants education he wasn't prepared for. And says he wished he'd written spin cycle years before Alfredo. are so happy to have you Honorary brother. I love that. Because he's reluctant and he's speaking my line. So, and then when he said he got snippy and he got impatient, that is, that is my life. I'm trying to do better. I'm trying to get grace. So thank you for being on. Thank you for writing your book about reluctant caregivers. Thank love that. Well, thanks so much for having me on. And yeah, the second I saw the title of your podcast, I knew I was going to bug you until you said yes. yes. So I'm really happy to be on here. I don't know, I kind of want to talk more about Connie and her kind of cryptic poetry about trees that you just plugged. Wow, man, I think think mom's got some hidden talents you might not be acknowledging. We will. You would have to see the mini texts that I get. Actually, that could be my own book. Texts from Connie. It's amazing. a book, a coffee table book of screenshots and let people interpret and The greatest art is ambiguous anyway. Makes me feel better. That's how I make my millions. know, right? Well, it's totally true. If you could see our text group between Emily, our younger sister, and us, it is a combination of rants, updates, and images that really help to really get the person who is reading it to get the feel of how we're feeling. Yeah. Yeah. It's really interpretive. But it's not about us. It's about you. So we're going to start. We're gonna start from the beginning. Yes. You were born, but then you're gonna kind of give us some background about your family and then bring us up to caregiving, like bring us up to speed. So tell us a little bit about yourself so that we kind of paint the picture. Sure. So I was born in Madrid, Spain. Don't speak a word of Spanish. I mean, enough to order a burrito if I have to under pressure, but my parents emigrated when I was just a baby. So dad and mom settled in Los Angeles and that's where I grew up. And they divorced when I was around six or seven, dad's Spanish, mom's German. So I ended up in, I speak German, which is not that useful in California, but I remember my dad saying at the time, Well, a lot of bankers speak German. That's probably a good idea. So obviously I didn't go to banking. So anyways, not remotely. Not remotely. So that was growing up in LA. And I remember after my parents divorced, my mom, Lisa, it was just an amazing single mom. So she, she just ate life. She, after the divorce, she took belly dancing lessons. She went to toastmasters, not because she had a job as a public speaker. She just wanted to speak better just because she wanted to. I don't know why. To the Sierra club. for hikes, which I think is sort of like the okay, Cupid or something of the seventies where you would take hikes in the nature of it, hopefully to meet a guy or something. Yeah. And she put me through a private Catholic school. And I remember she had her daytime job as an administrator at IBM. And then there was a stretch there at night where she'd bring me along and I would stay in the little break room. And she was at a tennis club handing out towels to the incoming kind of pretty wealthy tennis player types. And she just, oh, 1984 Olympics. So she just, for the fun of it, volunteered to be a interpreter. She spoke Spanish too. So she could speak German and Spanish and she would just go volunteer just to experience stuff. So I follow that up, not just to sort of brag about my mom, which yes I am, but so it was just her and I. She remarried to my stepdad, Jim, great guy. They were married for 27 years. He was an awesome guy. He was a Phil Norbuff. He liked to write poetry, haiku. He was a really interesting guy. And then, especially after he passed, that's when it really jumped out at me that this independent kick-ass woman, something was so different about her. So I'll just, a small example. So being almost, this is kind of almost a caricature of kind of an efficient little German lady, she's German. On her fridge, she had a, she always had a printed out calendar. And this document. governed her life. So there's the haircut, the stylist appointment, the therapist appointment. I wanted to go to the bank on this and that day. I have a doctor's appointment and this thing was rigorous and she kept to it it was great. And then one day after Jen passed, I remember her looking at her own writing and all the scratch outs, were a bunch of scratch outs, which I hadn't seen before and liquid paper and it all kind of a mess. And she just looked at me and says, you know, I can't get it together. And at that time I said, you know, Mom, it's okay. I just, put my arm around her. said, listen, we're gonna, it's a hard time. We're gonna, let's, why don't we just start over? We'll get a fresh piece of paper or something. I did none of that. What I really did, I said, what's wrong with you? So I wish in retrospect, I had been this kind, compassionate guy who just kind of sensed something was a little bit different. So this is all the kind of the guilt and the what ifs and the let's the read who's like right in my head constantly. And I was just, I was snippy and I was short and I was a little bit contemptuous in my tone even. And this would happen if my mom also called me from, it wasn't her to call me. It was the greeter from Walmart calling me from the parking lot because she was in tears. She couldn't find her car. So I raced up there to go get her already irritated. I get there and the car is 50 feet away. And I'm just, I'm like, mom, it's right there. You couldn't find it. And then she just, you know, she says, well, he couldn't find it either. Meaning the Walmart guy. Like when I'm like, mom, he doesn't know your car. Why should he be able to find it? So. These were kind of the, these are just two examples of me sort of not being very patient and understanding with a woman who, think what was going on you guys was that I didn't understand how the super independent, amazing woman, these weird changes and she wasn't the same anymore. And I didn't like it. And I wasn't handling well. And it was maybe a year or two before the diagnosis of likely onset Alzheimer's came, which did help me understand a little bit and sort of brought me a few more steps toward being compassionate, but that's how things kind of began. so I, there was a period there were as a caregiver, especially after Jim died, I would, I, was either living up here in the Bay area with me and my girlfriend and God bless my girlfriend. I mean, you know, she, she allowed me to put the signs up on the doors. This is the bathroom. This is the garage. This is the office. So mom, you know, wouldn't get confused. And then there were times where I would just live with her in Southern California where she's from, but. And she wanted to, you know, she, she wanted to live alone. Um, but after trying. Instacart, know, once she lost her driver's license, no longer could drive. She still wanted to do it. So she would call me and I would try to order Instacart food. I would try to arrange lifts and Ubers, but then she would get into a stranger's car instead of the right car. that was rough. I remember once getting a call from the bank where that's exactly what happened. They're like, well, you your mother has gotten into a stranger's car and now she's crying because she's saying we're not allowing her to leave or holding her there, which they were because they were waiting for me to come get her. So all of that put together. led me to the decision to bring her up here in the Bay Area. now she's she now I'm more the care manager. She's in an assisted living place, which is which is great. I say that because we tried three before we found one that was a good fit. It because that's not always easy either. So I see now two, three times a week. In fact, after this podcast, I'm going to be going to check in on her and we're going to go and get her decaf latte and knowing her probably she wants some apples and chocolate from Safeway. So that's that's that's kind of my story in a nutshell. That's the short version. now we're about to into the down and dirties. We're actually gonna get we're back up a little bit. We're gonna back up I want to back up to Jim so you so Jim comes into your life and You're growing up. How old were you when your mom remarried Jim or Jim came into your life? I was 22, 23. Okay, so you were an adult and so it had been you and your mom for quite some time then I'd assume at some level. you said that because in our notes, Jim got sick. And so I'm assuming you're living life, right? And Jim and your mom get married and they start living life, right? And you're living your life because I mean, you're doing like, again, your bio is like super impressive and you're living your life. And so what, Jim gets sick and at what point, is, do you step in? it your mom that's primarily caring for him? Like, what does the dynamics come to at that point? Because then at some point Jim passes, but Jim also, you know, you talk about two failed suicide attempts by, by Jim and how that impacts your family and your mom. So can you back up a little bit there and let's start there because once he passes, that's really when you see, hey, I think something's not right and I'm gonna have to step in more into this mess that we call caregiving. Absolutely. So in my mind, in the last few years before Jim passed, I had the narrative set in my head. Jim is sick. Mom is healthy. She's the caregiver. End of story. So he, he had many ailments. He had skin cancer. He went through a couple of bouts of COVID. I know I'm missing one or two things, but the biggest issue was his kidneys were failing. So he was in dialysis for than five times a week and he couldn't stand it. was just the quality of life was just down the tube for him. And he wanted to go. He was 89 and he was ready, but he didn't qualify, I think, for the technical things you need to all the boxes you need to check for a kind of assisted suicide or compassionate leaving, whatever the phrase of each state is on this topic. So he instead did try suicide twice, pills and alcohol, but he didn't get it quite right. both times, I mean, I remember I was there for the second time, I was staying with them. And I remember I heard, it's like one in the morning, I heard a thunk, a heavy thunk. And I went into the living room and he was in his favorite chair, but he had fallen forward, hit his head. he was sitting there in kind of a pool of blood around his head. And it was just a complete panic moment. Got him together, realized what had happened. He was taken to a psychiatric facility for a while. Anyways, at some point after these two attempts, this was, you can imagine how traumatic this was for my mom, for anybody, but really this is, know, she's the one with him every day. So this was just an absolute mess. She was traumatized, didn't know what to do. And I remember at some point, a really compassionate doctor pulled me aside and kind of whispered, look, if he really wants to go, if he stops dialysis, he'll be gone in two weeks, one or two weeks. And he did. So I mentioned that to him, he stopped and 10 days later he passed. And that part was actually quite profound. And for me anyways, it was a kind of moving and loving situation. he hated hospitals. So he got to leave in the house, a hospice nurse came by. So he was comfortable for the first time in a or two with, you the meds and so on. And I was able to play and this is something I learned is how the primary things like taste and sound, you know, they this is whether we're talking about death or dementia or other things, that stuff stays after language goes away and so on. So I would play for him some of his old favorite 60s and 70s songs and I tell he really liked it even though he couldn't really communicate that well or he wanted his back scratched like something as primal as just having your back scratched. That was the thing. And I remember but when he could still talk a little bit twice or three times he said to me, I didn't quite get it. because he wasn't a man to kind of spill his emotional guts. He would say to me, meaning after he goes, so you will take care of mom, right? And I was like, what a ridiculous question. I'm the only son, of course I'm gonna take care of mom. Why are you asking me this even? I thought it was just kind of a bizarre question. The way he said it was kind of bizarre. And I realized now looking back, I think he was hinting that, hey, there's more going on with mom that maybe I'm taking care of. So the stuff that came out afterwards, like my mom feeling like, my heart's racing. I'm going to call 911. I mean, she called 911 practically on speed dial. I mean, it was, was crazy. she was, we're always be rushed to the hospital. By the time she got there, there was no heartbeat anymore. There was no issue. She would knock on neighbors doors, ask if she could spend the night and maybe once or twice if they were feeling open to it, they're like, oh yeah, you can stay here for one night. But when she wanted to keep staying for two and three and four nights, then they would call me saying, Hey, uh, that's this. So. The bottom line is the narrative flip. realized, no, they were, they were, it would, were both sick and both taking care of each other in their way. And I have a massive aha moment that Jim, who was cognitively sharp till the very last moment was probably running a lot of interference and cutting off and basically talking my mom down as she was driving him to all the appointments, getting the food, making sure he made all the doctor's visits. And then, real, I just, the old, the old, one liner I had about them had changed and they were both each other's caregivers and now she had lost hers. So now it was time for me to step in. Okay, this is a perfect place for a pause. Yes, because then we'll transition. This is interesting. We'll be right back. All right, everybody, we are here with Alfredo Botello and we just talked about when his stepfather passed away. so first question would be your thought after he passes away, because you didn't really recognize, Jim has asked you, okay, you'll take care of your mother. But when this happens, did you think mom's gonna be fine and we're both gonna, she's gonna- Keep living. Not fine, she's gonna be, yeah, she's gonna, we're gonna, she's gonna live. and she's gonna progress with her life, she's still driving, is that kind of where you're gonna go back to your career and everything's gonna be, she's just gonna age in place? Is that kind of where your mind was, Alfredo? Absolutely. thought, okay, maybe she after it was sort of like after my she divorced my dad. mean, maybe maybe now at 80, 80 years old, she wouldn't go into belly dancing lessons and Sierra club height. Maybe she'll do she loves she loves word search puzzles. She loves to watch old Carol Burnett episodes. Like she'll just, she'll find that it'll be great. She's in an assisted living. I'm sorry. She was still alone in her condo, but with a group of retirees, like there's clubs, there's things she loves to be active. She talked, she had talked about doing volunteer work at a hospital. kind of, that was one of the things. So I was like, great. Now she's in my mind, actually she might be more free because now she didn't have to take care of Jim. And she was physically, she was in physically great shape. So I kind of thought this would be possibly like a new chapter that it wasn't all doom and gloom. And on my sort of own little slightly selfish end, was like, well, and this is great too, because I have two grown sons, they're out. So I did that part of my life. You know, I do have, well, I've got one herniated disc in my back, but I can still travel. I can still get on an airplane. Like now, now, now I get to have my fun. I did, I put in my share and I don't have to, I'm done. Mom's going to be fine for years. And then, so suddenly I find that, wait a minute, hang on. That's not what's going on. And just on the selfish side, you might have to postpone some of those trips for a bit because you have a, well, you have a new baby to take care of. she's not, she's not chubby and rosy cheeked and burbling. She has opinions and some of them you don't like and she can be a little tough. And, but I have another kid that no one told me about and no one gave me a heads up that this was going to happen. You know, that's interesting because did you and your mom ever have conversations about her wishes? Like as she got older, would she want to be independent? Would she want to move in with you? Would she want to do assisted living? I mean, I've told my husband, you know, when we took our mom, it was the first time we'd ever been in any type of scene like assisted living or senior living communities or where you can age through their continuum. And I told my husband, who's a touch older than me, I was like, dude, the moment you turn 55, man, we're moving in three hots in a cot. I'm the prettiest thing there, okay? Cause I'm young. And so I'm feeling good about myself. Did you all have these conversations, especially after Jim died about what she wanted so that you all knew this is our plan. My mom was not ready to have those conversations. Yes. She was not ready to have that. She was not in their mindset to have those. tried to bring it up a couple of times. I tried to bring it up earlier when they were both still together and she was just not ready to think in those terms. so, no, all that stuff did end up being sort of seated. I remember this is so kind of ridiculous, but this is like a kind of a window into I'm sure maybe other caregivers have had something similar. she had a therapist who she liked. And after Jim passed, she asked me to come and join her for a few of the sessions. And there was one point after the diagnosis of Alzheimer's where she had kind of this very lucid moment where she was like, know, I think it's, because I had brought it up a couple of times. I think it is time for assisted living. I'm like, oh, great. She's ready. So I actually just in my Virgo way, I wrote up a little contract. anyway, not even a contract, just a paragraph saying, Lisa Carter, I'm ready to, I wanted the therapist to kind of see it. We're going to sign it in her presence and then we'll be done with the matter. This is great. Went to the session. Mom was ready. I had the paper in hand saying, I, Lisa Carter, I'm going to do this. I'm going move into assisted living. She signed it. Everything was great. I don't know. Two, three months later when staying by herself was just not working out. It like, it was time, but it's okay because I have the contract. So I, I show mom, we tour a few places and she is just not having it. She just has this look on her face, like, I can't get me out of here as soon as possible. And one of her little digs to me was she would never call it a home. She was like, I don't want to go to the hotel. I don't like the hotel. And I think she was just being really clever. I don't think it was a mistake on her part. think like, you know, that's the kind of like family baggage. We know how to push each other's buttons. But the bottom line was I had the contract. So I pulled out the piece of paper, I showed it to her, she read it, she goes, yeah, I changed my mind. That was, it was null and void. So it was like, yes, of course she has, she has opinions. And I thought I, I thought I had sort of made everything foolproof with this thing, but that's kind of one of the lessons I felt I continually I'm learning that just when you think you've solved a problem in caregiving, like, like my mom's meds, right? You had those, boxes with the Monday through Monday through Sunday. like, had the boxes and then I had a little, I was so proud of myself. I made this amazing checklist sheet where breakfast, lunch, dinner, bedtime, all she had to do was check off a box, right? next to it be there. There's the Metoprolo, the deltia salmon. I'm so sorry. Okay. Yeah. you know where this is going. Right off the bat, go ahead. love these. I was so happy and she got to feel independent. was all great. And then there came a time where I thought, okay, problem solved. And then there came a time where she would check the box and go, wait, to me asking me, did I take the medicine? And I go, well, you must have because you checked the box and you only check the box after you take the medicine. But that's me assuming she could remember. I mean, when you think about it between taking the pill, picking up the pen, checking the right box. putting the, putting the bill, there's a million steps there that if you break it down second by second, it's a lot more than just what it seems. But this is the thing I've learned that just when I think something is settled, whether it's assisted living, the meds, everything is continually changing. So one thing that's me as a person, I like a certain amount of stability, predictability. That's just who I am. Man, once you're a caregiver to someone, you got to throw that out the window. You might have your plan A. And that's great, but you better have plan B and C. okay. And if you know, even if you don't have plan B and C, you better ready, you better get ready to come up with them because there's nothing's ever fixed. And the med thing had to change and we had to go to a different system, but you've got to, it's like, if you're not ready to roll with that, you're just going to be pissed off, right? Frustrated, resentful, all that stuff. So that's one of the biggest things I've had to learn is to pivot and to use the old sports metaphor, you know, take what the defense gives you kind of thing. That's, that's what I've learned. That is his real, you you got to be able to roll with it or make changes or otherwise you're just going to be pissed off. Cause that is, that is so true. When you talked about your mom's med box, I'm thinking about how many we went through a spiral notebook. went through the huge pill box. I mean, we went through so many steps and each time they failed. I got to that same point, I was like, but I did this. so what you're saying though, being open to the fact that it's just going to have to keep changing. It's never perfected. That is your on spot there. So I think for everybody. can totally relate. So you're supporting your mom. And at this point, is she living with you? Is she, you all are splitting locations? Is she coming to your house sometimes? Because you mentioned that you went and sometimes you'd be in Southern California with her. So what's the living situation as this continues to evolve? it's split. in my mind, at least in the back of my mind, I mean, she like she wanted her independence still, of course. And she wanted to be able to stay there at her her place. She had a condo in Southern California. I'm up here. I'm living in a house with my girlfriend. And this was right in the wake of Jim's death. Well, thought, well, this is kind of temporary. I mean, she's you know, she's in a tough spot emotionally. She's she just can't be alone. So But I realized like a one or two week trip wasn't gonna do it. Like she was not ready. for the first, I wanna say at least six months, it was a mix of the two. So I would like, I would constantly fly down there and it was during COVID, it was amazing. I was like one of three people on the airplane. So it was great. I never had to wait. I flew down there, it was a breeze and I would stay there until it was time to bring her back up. And then she would fly up with me and we'd stay here for a while until it was time to get her back down there. But it was all with this, in my mind, was all sort of like, we're just getting over the hump here until she can really settle back in. And like I say, go back to that being the person she was. So I was kind of mixing up conflating the dementia with the grief of losing your partner of 27 years. And I was like, well, that's, course we can understand that. I would be a mess. I don't know how I would be. but it just... It just gradually became more and more clear that her living alone as these things started happening, losing the driver's license, being confused about the lifts and Ubers, the food situation, going to the neighbors, that was not sustainable. It wasn't gonna work. So that's, finally realized. So I guess my question is, I forgot my question. I've got one. again, hold your thought. I'll come back to you. It just happens at your age. but you're welcome for that again, considerably older. And so you're welcome for that. I know that's what happened because you were thinking, okay, so now you almost made me forget mine. How is this impacting? So you've been dating this lady. I'm so glad you've been dating this person lady. Yeah. And so you're like, I mean, you know, are you able to work or is this for- like to have my mom come stay with us. That's awesome. Because I know what my husband thought when my mom stayed for a couple of days. That went over like a fart in church. So it was not great. So my girlfriend, Simone is a saint. Oh, I love you so much. of it is just her natural disposition. But the other thing is she had been in my shoes. So her own mother, it wasn't dementia. She had a kind of a vascular chronic condition. She was in hospital at one point for nine months without leaving. And she lost her left leg bit by bit. They kept doing surgery saying, we're going to try to save more and save more. So Simone, every day after work, would go to the hospital until the end of visiting hours, 10 o'clock. So I think she had already been broken in to what it meant, what a disruption it was to your life to be a caregiver. So I think that experience primed her for it in addition to, like I say, just being, you know, just a very compassionate, giving person who was willing to have mom live with us for a while. So all power to her. How about your career? Because you do have a very successful career. Like movies I've watched and seen and love. So what are you working? Like how do you make that happen when your mom's getting in a knot in an Uber? Like, you know, when she's getting in somebody else's car, you're having to go. Like, you know, cut and you're like, hold on just a sec. Be right back. No, go ahead. Yeah, some it did. had to kind of again, sort of pivot and figure stuff out. So as an example, I, so we'll talk about the screenwriting maybe in a second, but so the bar ownership at the time I actually owned, I now on one bar, I own two at the time. So, and mom at that point was living up here with me and she, she didn't, she just didn't want to be in the house too much alone. So I, when I had my, you know, a couple of times a week, I would have meetings with my managers and my other co-owners. So I was like, wait a minute, just bring mom along. It'll be great. So I brought mom along to these dark dive bars. And I, you of course I'm cringing because she's this, you know, this super clean, like you could, you could eat off her kitchen floor and you know, the bathrooms and places are unspeakable. I wouldn't go in there. And I certainly wouldn't wear, I wouldn't wear any kind of open-toed shoe in my own place. So she would come and bring a book. She likes the little, she's kind of these coffee table books of little sayings, think, cause they're a little small digestible. So she would bring that. And that really worked for quite a while, but there was times where at the meeting went more than two hours or so she would start sort of pacing and she would like be walking behind us and I could tell like mom's ready to go. But that was my first attempt to kind of keep my life going and just integrate her into it. It helped for a while. As for screenwriting, the good news with screenwriting is it's you really, you're all on your own schedule. you. You know, you, you hustle, you, you run down in my case, you go down to LA, you take maybe a week of meetings, frantic meetings, and you're pitching something, or maybe someone's pitching an idea to you. And then you come back with your ideas. But the bottom line is once you get the job, you get to disappear for six, eight, 10 weeks to go to write the thing. And that the good thing there is I could, then I'm, then I'm making it my own schedule. So I do my thing and I, and I, so this, and this is now to this day. So now, for example, I am working on something. but I know, I know where my mom is and I, whenever I visit her, absolutely critical is when I leave, put a little note on her kitchen, on the kitchen counter saying, Chato, that's my nickname in the family, Chato will be back. And I write down the date and then she doesn't have to worry anymore. She's not like, well, when is he coming back? And I, I, that note to me, that, that is the most, that was, that simple thing was the, one of the biggest breakthroughs I had about. not having her feel worried or anxious, trying to remember when I'm going to come. Because I'm like, well, I could put it on the calendar, but the calendar is now a little bit too confusing. But this one little note, which only has one date on it, that works. So now I'll go and I'll see her and I can, so I'm able, I'm able to balance, luckily with the screenwriting, give me the flexibility and, that's how that worked. Okay, we're gonna take... I can't believe it's already our second part. It's really good. Okay, we'll be right back. All right, everybody. We are back here with Alfredo Botello. All right. Next question. So I just want to get right on into reluctant caregiving. Yeah. cycle. So I want, because listeners are so, everybody is always afraid to talk about the hard, the hard, the really hard. So I want to talk about some of those moments when you said, this is hard and I'm frustrated. Like what prompted you to write the book? Because you said, I should have written this six years ago. Like what are the moments that you say in the book? What are those things that you share that, what is your reasoning for reluctant caregiver? I looked around after realizing what was going on with mom and I could see that there were kind of practical, almost bullet point, how to be a better caregiver books. And there were maybe a few memoirs mostly penned by women and that's all great. But what I was missing was the emotional comfort of knowing I wasn't alone. I couldn't find that anywhere. That really drove me nuts. And I chose should do a fictional version rather than a memoir because with a memoir, maybe I could explore my own personal experience and get into it. But with fiction, this what I do for a living, I could invent nine other characters, which is a quick note in the book. It's spin cycle notes from reluctant caregiver. In a nutshell, high school math teacher Ezra Pavich, end of his rope dealing with mom in desperation opens up a quote unquote school, adults patiently parenting adults. And nine people show up to this sort of ridiculous mini mall storefront. it's more a support group than an academy, but he wants to think of it and exalted terms, but it's a place where desperate people can share their problems and just hearing. for me, when I, and it doesn't, whether when I'm reading something or it could be anything, whatever your thing is, it could be, I don't know, a painting or a piece of music, something where you feel that someone is being, vulnerable in raw. about their feelings and not sugarcoating. I immediately feel empathetic. feel connected and I feel comforted. you know, tell me about the bad feelings. remember, so just, this is an example that I sort of morphed into a story in the book, but this is a real life example where I, and I and a friend were going to dinner and it was like a Marie calendar type place, know, a place that she had been to and liked. We go there, it was kind of busy Sunday afternoon, I think, of a loudish crowd and. Suddenly I'd never seen it before. She was reaching up and covering her ears and kind of crunching her eyes. And I could just see she was overwhelmed by all the noise. And I hadn't seen that before. And I didn't, I was like, what are you doing? This is so weird. So my first thought was, well, let's get, let's go to a quieter table. So I shifted us to a quieter table and then she still was very distressed. And I remember I was just, I, and her friend was kind of looking around like pretending like, oh, nothing, everything's fine. And I was looking at the other patrons and they were kind of glancing over and I'm what are they thinking? So at the time I was feeling judged, I was irritated with my mom, like, what are you doing? It's not that noisy, what's the problem? And then on the way home, and on the way home, remember like when we were finally just me and her alone, just in a moment, I said, if you do that again, I'll never take you out to dinner. She was crushed and I wanted her to be crushed. I was angry. I was pissed that she had embarrassed me. So it was about, it was about my shame, my embarrassment. didn't, for all I know, the other patrons didn't care. They probably didn't even notice, but this is my issue. And this, thing about it is, is she might forget the words tomorrow, but she will not forget the, problem is she won't forget the emotion. She won't forget the emotion. So then I was trying, you without, you know how we sometimes say sorry without saying sorry. So a couple of days later, I was like, Hey, let me take you out for a meal. And she said, Last time you were really pissed and I was just brokenhearted because that means it stuck. Like I had a bad moment. I even, as I said the words, I knew it was wrong to do it, but that's the kind of stuff I want to talk about in the book because I think we do those things sometimes that's human, that's real. And I've got, you know, there's nine characters in the book. So there's nine times, however many anecdotes and experiences they share of stuff just like that, where you, you just, you're not your best self. And, it takes time I think to develop this ability to go. So. on a, I might be on a lighter note, but also something that happened. So my mom would sometimes call me, um, Joe and Joe's her brother who died about 30 years ago. Now in the beginning I was, I would, I would, would correct her. No, Joe is dead. I am not Joe. So I won the argument, right? Sort of. No, yes. I, I got the facts right, but it didn't matter because she would just look a little bit confused and alarmed and it didn't, it was, it was, it was a battle not worth winning. And I finally realized it's, what is the harm in me saying, let me check on that. Let me see when he's coming or, know, that's great. I'm glad, I'm glad, know, Joe, I, you know what I think he is visiting. You're right. Don't correct her because it's, there's no, there's nothing to come of it. The more important thing is to have a response that I think just kind of keeps the situation from escalating. And then, you know, eventually I'm going to pivot anyway, and we're going to go get that. We were going to go get our favorite coffee and it's going to be okay. But. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not telling you this by the way, as some, you know, some guru sitting on a mountain top who knows better. This is, this is like trial and error and me doing a lot of what I think are embarrassing, awful things until I barely get there. So I'm, this is kind of aspirational, more than realized. So these are the kinds of moments I wanted to talk about in the book. And I get, I get, I got to obviously invent some that I've just heard about, or that I just feel are believable, but hopefully the bottom line is if anybody picks up the book and it's like, I'm not alone. I'm not the worst person out there. Then I've my job. Exactly. I'm not alone. channel. think that's interesting. think it's funny and respectful. going to just be authentic about it and just be honest about it. I didn't realize it was fiction, and yet I don't think it's fiction. I think it is your truth inside of characters, and it feels a little protective. But then you offer a lot of, based on what you've heard and other people's experiences, you enriched it. You brought many different perspectives. to caregiving from the perspective of each individual character and then how they interacted. I think that's super interesting as opposed to just this was my experience. This is and so I really like that. is and I do like that. really like it because it is like hard to it's here's the thing. There's so much shame because here's I mean I can totally relate. I told my husband I hated him on day six. I told him that he had cancer. I always say, like, who tells a person who has cancer that they hate them? And or who argues with a cancer patient? I did. I did. Not my best moment. Not even remotely my best moment. And yet I felt so pushed about things. But you're right about like I didn't even put on Facebook that Jason had cancer because I was more concerned, honestly, about how people would look at me. I didn't want people to look at me different. I didn't want that. And Jason's very super, he was super private. So he didn't want that. But part of me, if I look back and I'm really honest with myself, I didn't want, I didn't want that more than he didn't want it. And so that's the part that is the reluctance of our, our title for the podcast is I was not, I'm not, always, I'll tell people now. I was like, I'm a crappy caring giver. I'm in, I get frustrated. I'm impatient. I'm like, I'm like, Let's just do it. Let's just get it done. I'm like, why are we arguing about this? Just go do it. And so I'm going to tell you, your comments resonate with me so personally, the snippiness, the impatience. And I don't care how much I know, I still do it every now and then. And I still have to get better. And it's OK. And sometimes you might get crappy with the person that you're helping. And then you're like, well, crap. I did that again. It's the truth. So where are you at right now? said you're going to see your mom. Where's your mom right now? How are you guys, how you doing now? She's right now it's a really good period and I'm not gonna count on it to last forever, but things are really good right now. So the place she's staying, it's great. Basically she's happy because it's very social and they just keep her very engaged. she loves the activities coordinator, a lovely young woman named Mariah. So they do things like, sure, my mom does love, she's very hard of hearing, so some things she can't participate fully in, but. She loves Bingo. Balloon badminton. So you get to, you know, that's exactly what it sounds like. You're there with a bat, with a balloon, a long balloon, and you get to bat around another balloon. Like I want to do that. And I could have wanted to. I mean, they have happy hour on Fridays where these two guys come in and play live music, know, Beach Boys Elvis, the stuff that the residents there would relate to. I've seen them happen where this person, Mariah. I've gone in and my mom is still in many ways a girly girl. Like she grew up in the sixties. So for her Jackie O is like the icons. And she would tell me stories of when we went to the movies, then you wore white gloves. It was an event. And getting in an airplane, same thing. You dressed up. You dressed up. So she loved her. So she likes to have her nails done, right? And her toenails done and hair and everything's gotta be kind of just so. I go in there once and I see Mariah painting my mom's nails. And there's three other women there also waiting their turn. Anyway, they just made me think that. I guess, mean, obviously you guys don't know Mariah, but to me it's like, if there is a heaven, she's first in line for sure. She's going, she's going right on it. Like she's chosen. I'm guessing she's late twenties, early thirties tops. Like she's chosen. This is a vocation. So of course it makes me feel super grateful. And then all the, all the, all the crappier about. Like I'm not painting my mom's nails, I suck. Yeah, exactly. you put this, oh, this is a little anecdote I should share with you guys. So I wanted to take a trip, like a two week trip, I had to my mom and I was so nervous. Like, what's it going to be for if I'm not there every two or three days, like on my schedule? So in desperation, I went on Craigslist and put out an ad saying, hi, I need someone for two weeks who can show up a couple of days, take my mom to Starbucks, sit with her, do her word puzzles. And I got an avalanche of replies. Now, most of them were not, I can do it some more. And I did hire somebody, but a lot of people were just like, this is the most touching Craigslist ad I ever did. And I thought, this is probably the best thing, like the nicest thing I've ever done. mean, mom's not going to even be aware of it. It's a Craigslist ad, but it like, it came out of desperation because I didn't want to have to worry about her. But the point is I found this woman, Sharon, she was great. And I went in there when it was time to kind of pick mom up after my trip and I go in there and she's got mom's pant legs rolled up to the knee and she's massaging my mom's calves and feet. And I'm just like, and again, I think I have never done that for mom. Now, why is that? I think there's like weird family things. I don't even know why I can't just be nice like that, but that is so incredible. Again, it sort of makes me feel, it just reminded me of how bad of a caregiver I am. But on the other hand, this is part of the dynamic too, which like they have the grandparent experience. You get to go in for half an hour, you get the best parts and you can leave before it gets difficult. She doesn't have to watch the meds. She doesn't have to tell mom, don't go wandering in the rooms. Don't ask about your meds. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. She doesn't have to be the bad cop. So I tried to myself off the hook a little bit and be better in my ways, but it was just an amazing moment to see this. So I will tell you, and I know we got to get over to sister questions, here's your funny, is that we always say we have a special heart for single person caregivers, that you're alone. It takes three of us. And what you just mentioned, Sharon. the lady. So that's what our youngest sister Emily does. So she has that heart. I am don't know mom you can't do this. No you can't do this and I'm and then Natalie is the crack and like when something has to come down with the insurance company it takes three of us to do the job that you do. Yeah so. So I am exactly like her. But we want any caregiver to realize and you to realize that it takes three of us. So anything that you feel like, I didn't get to that, that's okay. doing such a great job. I mean, here's the thing. I hear the love for your mother in your voice. The fact that you worried and said, I'm going to be gone for two weeks and I don't want her to be a distress because I go see her every two to three days. That is the kindest thing that you can do. That is being intentional and knowing that you're mom and it doesn't matter if Sharon did it because reality is... It's great. She got it done. Her need was met and you did great. And that's what we tell any listener who's here, know, sometimes it's coordinating the care and not everybody and this is, I'm not talking about you. I'm not, not everybody's meant to be a caregiver. I am not the greatest. So I also know who to surround myself by. whenever I need, I'm like a little bit softer. Cause my younger sister has to remind me to be sometimes nice to my husband. She's like, Natalie, he loves to be loved on. He wants to be babied a little. And I'm like, all right, I'll try to find the patience for that. You sure you don't want to give him a call? And so I always say that JJ was the sister that he should have married. And so the reality. But you know, okay, so we're gonna jump to sister questions. I don't even believe that we're already done with our time, almost. I know. It's really bad. So, I'll do it. Okay, so here's my statement, Alfredo. So you said something about when you say things when you're not your best self. So first of all, this is my confession. So because I think this is important and I think it's hard for caregivers. So here it is and I hope that everybody that's listening, because you're afraid to share these things. when you talked about your mom, I'm not going to cry, I always cry. When you talked about your mom in the restaurant. holding her hands over her ears. We are very hesitant about sharing a lot of stuff about our mom, but my angry moment is mom spills a lot of food on herself. And so we get ice cream, which is her favorite. You're talking about going out and when she spills ice cream, I get really angry. And I'm not angry, but I'm like so frustrated because I just don't understand. Like, mom, you can hold that, you know, my mom has Parkinson's. but I'm like, mom, you know, just hold the spoon, you know, or put the napkin and. It's not that I'm, I'm not mad at her or anything, but it's, think, you know, it's just me frustrated because I want to keep her clothes clean and I want to make sure she looks nice. But I think to any caregiver out there, that's okay. You're just tired and you're doing laundry and you're doing all that and those things are okay. So thank you for saying I, it's okay for me to have those days when I'm not my best self. So thank you, Alfredo. But here is my question, because I thank you for allowing me to have that realization moment. A recommendation that you would give for somebody when you're not in your best moment. Like, what were you able to do when you got that snippiness? Did you, are you still learning? Did you learn? Like, what do do when you're at that moment? Like, stop mom, or that snippy moment. The umbrella answer to that question is entering their reality as much as I can. And that's not easy to sort of try to be in the lens of that person to kind of see where maybe they're coming from. an example, taking mom to Starbucks. So she, in this period of her life, like some of the filters go away, like social niceties and so on. So she loves toddlers and babies and loves to just ooh and over them. So we go there. And invariably, when a young mom comes in with her kid, my mom pops up on her walker, know, scoots herself over, gets right in their face, and they're just like waving at the baby and saying hi. And that's all fine. But normally, you I think the unwritten social rule is you make the compliment and then you go about your business and then they go get their coffee. But at this stage, if my mom wants to stay for 10, 15, 20, 30 seconds longer, which is an eternity to go to a stranger and fuss over their kid, the most Amazing thing happens is that, so on my side, I don't try to pull her away anymore. I don't try to say, okay, mom, let's go back to the, I let it roll because what I've seen is that to a person, people intuit something's going on. They just do. I get, is to me, this has got a moment where I have faith in humanity again, because they just get it and they don't mind and they, and they, they're, they're happy to have the baby. And sometimes they'll pick, lift the baby's hand and have the baby wave back at mom. And it just tickles my mom to no end. And I just realized, so my old self would be like, let's not embarrass ourselves. Let's not overstay the welcome. But now I just, let it go. So letting that go is entering, is realizing entering her reality, which is this is amazing. And just real quick on a side of a super related note. So when I wanted to stay connected with my older son in high school, he played football. I didn't play football. I was like a theater guy who kind of made fun of jocks. That was kind of my thing. It's all karma, right? So it's all karma. Anyways. So yes, we still had sushi and heavy metal, old heavy metal music in common, but I wanted as many points of connection. So when he got into football, suddenly I found myself volunteering to work at the Snack Shack. And then I got promoted to the Chain Gang. I didn't even know what a Chain Gang was, if I'd have to do with prison in the thirties, but apparently like you get to move the chains every few yards for a new down, but I got to be up close. So basically I was entering his reality. So I wanted to stay connected. And so to this day, he loves the Oakland Raiders. So I don't even know why. I hate the Denver Broncos. I just don't know why. I just don't suppose to. You're like... I hate them. But the point is, I realized, oh, wait a minute, this is no different. I want to stay connected to mom. So why not do the, if she wants to spend more time with the babies or like I'll show her on YouTube, we communicate a lot by the laptop because of the hearing. When we're out, I'll look up videos, either babies or puppies, or ideally babies playing with puppies. Oh, even better. And I'll flip it around and she'll start laughing and I can tell she likes it. So I am like, Why can't I be like a two year old or three year old and enter and just enjoy the joy, just the joy of puppies because they are perfect. You know, dogs are perfect animals. kind of talked about that before we went on air. Babies are perfect. They can't yet lie and do all the things that we learn later. So why not just instead of thinking, this is silly or let's, you've had enough of that. Let's get back to reality. Go with her, go with her reality. And I think we're going to, actually the truth is we're going to both be a little happier. And that's what I learned with my son and that's what I learned with my mom. There's no better takeaway than we're both going to be happy. You're exactly right. Instead of worrying about what everybody else thinks, just be happy together. Spend that time because in the end, you're never going to remember who those people were. You can't even remember their faces if you really think about it. You can't remember it, but you remember how you made your mom feel. And that feels pretty darn good. All right, here's the last question. Here's the last question. And it's always mine. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? What do you do just for yourself that you enjoy? really think it. It's a hard one, but it's gonna be a guilty pleasure. Kind of boring. I sort of binge watch, you know, bad TV. But that's, that's, don't think that's much of a guilt. It's okay. So that's my, if we had some more time, I'd probably come up with something better, but I do. I'll just, I'll be like, I don't have to, I don't have to be productive. I don't have to, and it's like comfort, you know what it is? It's comfort food. These are things I've already seen. So like, I'm actually, as as a kind of type A Virgo, the idea of wasting time is insane. to binge your dad show is one thing, but to re-binge it is even worse. It's like, Why am I rewatching some show? That's that sort of, but that to me is like my mind, my mind being able to wind down, to wind down for a few minutes. Natalie's is Hallmark Movies. Same answer. It's the same ending every time. husband is like, Hallmark is so bad. I'm like, zip it. Yeah, you're fine. we get that a lot. I can binge watch a series I've already seen. Just bring on Forrest Gump. I just assumed he was going to say Bridgerton. It's too long. I knew it. I just feel like you're Bridgerton person, clearly. You know what, Alfredo, thank you for being with us. Thank you. You are such a blessing, and I appreciate you for your authenticity, for your courage. I appreciate your book. I think that is so necessary because it's not easy, and I think we need to stop acting like it's rainbows and unicorns. and just say that it's partly sometimes rainbows and unicorns. And so, and that's okay because both things can be true. It can be hard and it can be amazing. we thank you for being with us. Thanks so much for having me, you guys. It's been a pleasure. All right, guys, until we confess again, we'll see you next time. Bye bye. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on the Confessions website and our YouTube channel. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this show are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the express, written consent of the Sisterhood of Care, LLC. Thank you for listening to the Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver podcast.