Military Service to Autism Advocacy: Maureen’s Confession

"I suffered from caregiver fatigue." - Maureen Elias

Maureen shares her journey from a structured military career to the unpredictable world of caregiving. As a mother of children on the autism spectrum, she opens up about the challenges and triumphs of parenting, the impact of military life on family dynamics, and the importance of advocacy and community support. Through personal stories of resilience, she highlights the need for understanding, resources, and the power of acceptance in the face of adversity. 

Maureen Elias, a former U.S. Army counterintelligence agent, transitioned from military service to a life dedicated to advocacy and caregiving. After a medical separation in 2006, she spent 11 years as a stay-at-home mom while her husband, a 21-year Army veteran, served overseas. 

Raising three children on the autism spectrum, Maureen pursued a master’s in mental health counseling, leading to roles in top veteran service organizations, the House Committee on Veterans Affairs, and the Department of Veterans Affairs. She also teaches storytelling to veterans and has recently embraced off-roading as a newfound passion.

Social Media

Linkedin www.linkedin.com/in/maureenelias

Twitter: @maureenelias2

Instagram: @maureenelias2

Highlights:

🔹 Parenting & Autism – Insights into raising children on the autism spectrum and the triumphs along the way.
 🔹 Military Life & Family Dynamics – How structured service life shaped her approach to caregiving.
 🔹 Challenges & Resilience – Overcoming obstacles with strength, understanding, and support.
 🔹 The Power of Community – Why caregivers need advocacy, resources, and a strong support system.
 🔹 Acceptance & Education – How awareness and compassion transform lives.

💡 Don’t miss this inspiring conversation on caregiving, resilience, and making a difference!

This heartfelt conversation is a must-watch for caregivers, military families, and anyone passionate about autism awareness.

#AutismAwareness #Caregiving #MilitaryFamilies #Parenting #Advocacy

Transcript

0:00

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad, and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Now let's jump right in to today's guest confession. I that you're looking off to the side. know I wanted to look like, I don't know, debonair or mysterious. You know, we look good today compared to some days that we get on here. I know, I put on makeup. I did too. I did my hair and everything. I thought you were going to say you brushed your teeth. did brush my teeth, dude. But you know, we're not here to talk about our activities of daily living, although that is something, a common topic amongst caregivers. also beauty regimen. Because that's true. If know, if younger sister Emily was here, she would tell us that we both need more moisturizer. She would. She would. And then she would say, where's the avocado? Yeah. Because she is all about a good solid avocado facial. But you know, if you're a caregiver, just get some avocado, avocado, like use the extra like whatever you don't eat, keep scraping. Yeah. Just spread it on your face. There's your there is your caregiver tip for the day that you Done. Oh, wait, we should have an episode and we should talk to Maureen. Yeah. Today's the day. Let's talk to Maureen. You know, and Maureen was on the podcast and with the Heroes Caring for Heroes series. was here with the Veterans Administration in that capacity. Yeah, but today she's not here in that capacity. The views that, and we're going to give you this disclaimer, Maureen's with us to talk about her personal caregiving experience and the views that she expresses today. are hers and hers alone and does not represent the VA. So we'll go ahead and put that out for everybody. And Maureen is definitely ready to share. And I am excited about it. She's fantastic. Jay, will you tell all of our listeners and viewers, because we are also on YouTube, will you share with them? about Maureen. Oh, she's fantastic. I love that the fact first of all, I loved her her bio she sends in her caregiving story. Yeah, she just throws it out there. I am the third of 11 children. So your family just it's got to have been like loads of fun. Maureen though she served in the US Army as a counter intelligence agent. love that. I think that sounds very mysterious. I know she's like that we watched the diplomat and all those kind of those shows. I remember 24. Yeah. That's what I think. think I'm like, keep her southern. She's yeah. She and she has from her kids, obviously 11, 11 years she spent as a stay at home mom. And she's the spouse of a 21 year US army veteran. And, this is how her story starts, which sounds similar to yours. I never planned on having kids. I plan to be the super cool auntie who gave expensive gifts. She now has, she now has three kids. And I still have two dogs. know. Maureen, you did not follow plan. That's okay. It's okay. But all those children have autism, is they're on the spectrum rather. And today Maureen is here to talk about difficult things, which a lot of people are hesitant to share now. And we know that about isolation, about loss of purpose. about blame about fatigue about relationships and about a lot of patients and so much more is what I say Maureen we are so happy to have you here with us today because you're just she's an open book she is an open book and I can't wait to talk about how so she third of 11 children yeah. So what you I'm just I'm I just will start there always big on family what you say. So we're going to start. So give us the backstory about your family. you were born, love when you said 11, I was like, I'm sorry, what? But then I remembered you're from Washington state and I'm like, that's not too far from some of the states that have tons of kids. so birth order is going to be important. just tell us about life growing up and then how you made your way, like work your way up to really that caregiving story. Sure. So I always joke that our family's a little bit more of a family forest than a family tree because I have three biological siblings and then six adopted siblings and then two step siblings. So technically there's 13 of us total, usually say the mom and the stepdad that I lived with, they had 11 total. And so being number three, meant that I did a lot of babysitting growing up and classic middle child. love attention and had to fight for it. Oh, I love you. I knew we were besties for a reason. So you were caregiving at a young age. And this is normal, though, if you really think about it, especially older children who have younger siblings or a brood of people. Or when you think in rural communities where family lives close to each other, everybody's allowed to redirect everybody based on age. Honestly, you don't really see a lot of younger people redirecting the older, but you see a lot of older, JJ, redirecting the younger. Yes, yeah, for sure. And I think, you know, during the time that I lived with my mom, we probably had 25 to 30 foster kids come through. And my mom adopted five of the foster kids that we had come through. So, wow. I that. I work in the foster care. I work with foster children for the last 25 years. so I have to say, I will always say thank you to your parents who were willing to take in children of their own, but now they're yours. Now they're your siblings. I love that. Yes, yes. And growing up in such a big family and then growing up in a religion where, you know, really it was your job as a woman is to get married and have kids. And that's what your value lied in. I just didn't want that for me. And I didn't know how to, I didn't know how to verbalize that. And I didn't know how to sit with the fact that I didn't want that. And I didn't know how to escape that. And it wasn't like a cult or anything like that. It just, that was just kind of the norm. And then I ended up coming to DC from Washington state, which is where I'm from and visited the Vietnam War Memorial. It was a, it was a flight. flew there. I didn't know if this was how old you are when you went. I'm sorry. I was probably 18, 19 years old. It was my first year of college and I actually won the trip based off of an essay on diversity. Even back then I was a bit of a social justice warrior. So I walked into a recruiting station and I said, I'm ready to sign up. And they all just stared at me. And then I was like, I'm ready to sign up. And they laughed. And so I was like, well, I guess I'll go next door. And I started to walk out and then they were like, oh. Yeah, you're like, I'll find another branch, people. Okay, that's actually hilarious. Okay, keep going. So I was talking to the recruiter and I told them that this is specifically what I wanted to do. And the reason I was joining the army was because at the time, most of the other branches, the Marines, the Air Force, the Navy, would only give you a branch, like a field. So you could be in airplane stuff or you could be in intelligence stuff, but you could be cutting grass outside of an intelligence unit. There's no guarantee of what your job would be, but in the army, you could get a specific job. So I was able to sign up to be a counterintelligence agent. like that. You know the army is sitting here like we love Maureen. She is in shameless marketing for us. All the other branches like we changed we changed. You Yeah, very cool. How old were you when you marched in there and said, want to? I like that said marched in there. Yeah, you marched in there and said, I'm enlisting and they disregarded you for second. But how old were you at that time? Think of that time I was 23. Okay. so you waited a minute. Yeah. really had tried all these other jobs. had actually a pretty successful as a vocal coach, a music, a voice teacher, and I was doing pretty good. Yeah. But I just really felt compelled to serve. And so I walked in 10 days later, I was on an airplane to basic training. I'm not from a huge military family. Like a lot of them are legacy families. My grandparents all served, but many of them didn't choose to, they were drafted or whatever. no one in my parents' generation that I'm aware of served. So I wasn't brought up in a military lifestyle. So it was a total culture shock for me. And I loved serving in the military. And I thought I was going to be this really awesome, cool lady soldier who was going to do like these really cool James Bond things. I love that you did that because that would be me as well. Yeah, yeah, you know, I visioned the like evening gown and the beautiful woman who is getting intelligence from, you know, some dignitarian and higher. So aligned Maureen. This is fantastic. Keep going Maureen. Natalie's distracted. She's so excited. James Bond and Thornton Pines. So, but here's the thing. want to remember when I graduated college, I'd talked about possibly, I was going into law enforcement, but I love the idea of going into kind of intelligence kind of thing. And I had thought about going into the military and then mom would told me that if I went as an officer and I fraternized with the soldiers that I would get kicked out. And so I thought probably shouldn't do that because I really do love people in uniform. Okay, Maureen, moving on. Anyway. Apparently I do too. Thank you! So. So you found one in the in the Army. So you get in the Army and you start working and you meet your husband? Nope. I hadn't even started my job yet. So I went in the army. was never getting married, never having kids. And I was fervent on that. And then I went to my job training school, which in the military, in the army, they call AIT. And we were at this event where everyone was arguing. And I was really frustrated because no one was listening to each other. it was, as soon as we finished what we did, it was a three day weekend. And I was like, you're wasting our time. I could be out doing what I want. And this voice came on. and just said two sentences and everyone all of a sudden like started working together and they were out of there in 15 minutes. And I was intrigued at someone who could, I don't want to say manipulate, but handle a room like that. And so I found out who he was. And honestly, at the time he didn't have any hair. was a little, he had shaved his head. He was kind of bald and I was like, Ooh, he's not that cute. So attracted to his spirit. I kind of went after him. I've never been one to chase a guy before, but I really was fascinated. This is great. I love it. want anything to do with me at all? No. Okay, did you say you were trouble? And why did he think you were trouble? This is much more fun. So I was the private who chewed out her new company commander because the drill sergeants all had different standards and I was angry. hahahaha right. then, I you know what? think she was meant to be in charge. I do. That's what I'm going to tell you. OK, so you finally so is he older same age with. So he's a pamp. I like that you're Cougar, but you're Cougarette. So your Cougar. So so you guys so he finally came over to the way you were thinking and then what happened? So we got married. Well, actually it was funny because we went to our drill sergeant and we were like, we really like each other. We'd like to keep dating. Can you get us stationed together? So he worked really hard to get us both stationed in Germany. And then we were like, let's just get married. And so like three weeks later we got married and my drill sergeant was like, I went to all. got married. And know, AIT marriages have a very, very high divorce rate. It's like 90 % or higher. And so if I had a dollar for every person that told us it wouldn't work or we wouldn't last, I could probably retire. wasn't a lot of support for our marriage. And we had an actual like wedding. Like a lot of people would run up to Vegas. We were in Arizona. They'd run up to Vegas, get married and come back. We had a wedding at AIT. So... I'm in my wedding dress and the drill sergeant threatens to drop me in it. And I'm like, I am not going to do that. was thousand dollar down, sorry. Yeah. So then we moved to Germany and I started doing counterintelligence work and loved it. And it was right after 9-11 had happened. So it was actually counterterrorism too. And I was really, really. jive in it. I was actually a private doing it all by myself because they deployed my sergeant. And so here I am in a foreign country where all these terrorist cells are and doing this work that I really loved. And then I got the flu and I went to the doctor and I was pregnant. And I cried a lot. I was in shock and then I cried because it was not in my plan. And I went home and told my husband, but by that time I had kind of accepted like this is happening and we can do this with one kid. And we did, we both got promoted to specialists and we'd switched at that point because I had chased down an armed suspect while I was pregnant. They put me on desk duty and so they put him in the field. That's actually funny you chased down a suspect while you were pregnant. They're like, that could be a workman's comp. Yeah Slow down, Maureen. Slow down, Maureen. Okay, and then what happened? So then I hurt my back. I'd heard it in job training school, but it got worse and worse and worse. And so I went in to get an x-ray to see what was going on. And they were like, well, we can't x-ray today. And I thought, gosh, is the machine broken again? Because military medical care wasn't what it is today. And they were like, well, no, no, we can't x-ray anyone who's pregnant. And I was like, well, who's pregnant? My son is only six months old, so there's no way that I'm going to be pregnant. I was so mad they actually brought the chaplain because they thought I was going to hurt my husband. I really mad. And so I had my daughter while I was in the service and then eventually got promoted to sergeant and we moved to Monterey, California to learn Korean, both of us. And it was there that we realized like two babies and two soldiers is just too hard. and I had gotten hurt and it had continued to get worse. So I decided at that point to get out of the military and the, my husband offered to get out, which I really respected and admire that he did, but we knew that since I was hurt, I'd get disability pay, which was the only way that we could afford it. So there I was, you know, a stay at home mom with two kids, lost everything that I'd waited so long for. And I love my kids and I loved them. that it was so hard. I'm gonna take a break right now. Yeah. Because this is a good pause point. Yeah. Because I love this first part. I know. Yeah. And now there's some changes. And now we're at this place where she's a stay-at-home mom with two kids, which was the opposite of what she had originally wanted. Yeah. So we're about to find out what happened next because it gets better. Yeah. We'll be right back. All right, everybody. We are back here with Maureen. Okay, if you miss that first 15 minutes, need to rewind. You need to rewind. Okay, so we got two kids. She has stepped out of military life. She has left that because she's going to take care of these two kids. She's on disability. She's on disability because she has her back. But Maureen, something triggers. You are at home and your life is completely changed. But there has been something going on that you think, you maybe it's because you and your husband are away from the kids so much. Tell us how that starts because there's a lot of caregiving that begins that's different than just being a parent. Yeah. Sure. So right at the time that I became a stay at home mom, the Army sent my husband overseas for 22 months. Of course. To generalize, of course. I think every military spouse or people who know us can. These are all nodding And so, you we had noticed our kids were not very well behaved. And we thought, well, that's probably because we worked very long hours. You know, it was 14 to 16 hour days a lot. And I even got, you know, I moved home while he was gone to be near my family and, you know, sat in the back row of my church and was just devastated that this was where I was, even though was the exact opposite of what I'd wanted. and even got asked to leave the church because my kids were not behaving well. so there was another mother there who had a little boy who was on the spectrum. And to me, autism kind of had a stereotype at time. It was kind of those kids that would, there was often a lot of moaning and they were very hard to, they tended to be running and misbehaving, but not in the way that my kids were very, very social. And so it didn't even occur to me. to think that they were tested. just thought they were poorly behaved because we hadn't been home to parent them a lot. And this mom came up to me and said, have you ever thought that maybe your children have autism? And I was like, well, no, they're social, they're verbal, they're just active. And so they had a child find program in Washington state where you could get your kids tested for free. And we didn't have much money because I was to stay at home. My husband was only a sergeant. And so I went in to get my son tested who was a little bit older because he was much more withdrawn. And he would like, we had a little house, it was like 1300 square feet. He would line his matchbox cars up by size, shape and color all around the house. And I thought that was how kids like normally played with toys. It's a good deal of balls. I'm like, I see that. Yeah. and autism wasn't the household word that it is nowadays. And so, while he was being tested, my other daughter, my younger daughter was just all over the place and they were like, why don't we test her too? So they tested both of them and turned out that they both fell on the spectrum. And, you know, what that first moment of diagnosis was both a relief because maybe it wasn't me being an awful parent. But it was also grief because I knew that my life and their life was going to be a lot harder for the rest of their lives. And I think it's hard sometimes for us as parents, especially kids, to admit that this isn't what we would have wanted for them if we could help it. And we know that, I believe that God makes people the way they're supposed to be, but it's gonna be hard. And we didn't have the services back then that we have nowadays, because this was about 20 years ago. And so I think you can tell I'm someone who loves to dig in and learn stuff. And so I just threw myself into learning about autism and how to how to parent these two special children and the parenting styles that they taught back then didn't quite work with with the children that I had, I learned like the cool thing is at the time our library had free parenting classes and they taught different styles. So there was like, gosh, I can't remember the names, like the incredible years and love and logic. Love and Logic is an evidence-based program that a lot of, and is still used extensively. Yes. So, and I came from a hitting household, right? My mom spanked us, my dad spanked us. That was how you discipline children. That doesn't work with children on the spectrum. And I've never hit my kids. I don't believe in hitting, but it's definitely, you know, the research has shown that hitting is not the right way to discipline a child on the spectrum. And so I had to really relearn how to parent. I had to learn everything that I could about autism and really made that my quote unquote career, just caring for these kids and taking them into public and a lot of it was just teaching the public because Gabby, my middle, had such high sensory needs that we'd go to Walmart and she'd throw up because it just smelled so bad and it was so bright and so loud she just couldn't handle it. And people would be like, why are you bringing your kids in public when they're sick? And it's like, they're sick, you know. A lot of times children on the spectrum have a hard time potty training. And so my son would have an accident in the store and people would be like, how could you let this happen? What about mom you are? You spank your kids. And I was just like, this is, this is really hard. No kidding. I want to jump back for just a second. I want to go back to that diagnosis day because I hear you saying you want more for the kids. You got grief. What's that conversation like with your husband? Yeah. Because he's away. Are you a little like, are you angry? Are you like, uh, you need to come back or what are your feelings like there? Because you're married and he's got, you know, he's you're doing 50 50 there. No, there's no 50 50. Yeah. He's if he's gone for 22 months. Well, no, but it's 50-50. was part of that kid process too. you mean like the whole part thing? Yeah, yeah. He was birds and bees, you He was part of that. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you know, I we haven't really talked a lot about that. I don't know that I can share his perspective, but with mine, I didn't know that he really understood or believed it at first. I know that. My parents and his parents struggled with it to one of them, and I can't remember which set of parents it was said that I was doing this because I needed attention while my husband was gone that the kids were fine and I was just this is my cry for help and. that really struck me down a little that I would fake a diagnosis to get attention from my kids. so a lot of it was educating the older generation parents of how to grandparent these children, you know, and it was, they come from hitting, you can't hit my kids, you know, it was, you have to explain what's going on. You have to be really patient. My, My daughter screamed a lot. We didn't know for a long time that she was hard of hearing. Her ears had clogged with wax, but we didn't have the language to fix it. So she screamed to communicate. And my stepdad would walk around with his ears plugged or he'd just leave and go upstairs whenever I came over with my kids, which he was doing it for his own mental health, but man did it hurt, you know, to, to. And, and a lot of people that I would have loved to have made friends with just couldn't handle. the challenges that my kids came with. And so it was hard to find people that would be around me and my kids because they were hard. And I was tired. I was pretty burned out. Caring for them all the time was, it's a lot of work. And we called it play time, but I would always try to find activities that would meet their sensory needs and gaps. But that was fun. But it was, you could just sit down and talk over a glass of wine with a friend. That's not going to happen. You're going to be interrupted a gazillion times. And so a lot of people just didn't have the patience for that. You know, and the thing is that's so interesting is that you were living in Washington state at the time, which is a very progressive from a mental health standpoint. A lot of best practice in mental health and behavioral health comes out of Washington, California, Colorado, New York, that you see these states that are very progressive. And even then, just because your state is progressive doesn't mean that the people who are around you understand it, because you're exactly right. It took for a long time. It took a long time to get spectrum services like ABA services, for example, covered by health insurance. because a lot of people are just, these are willful children. you know, but the number, autism is the fastest growing in case you didn't know. fastest growing designation of all the special education diagnoses on IEPs, fastest growing in the United States. And so they're identifying kids, but that's now. Like you're saying 20 years ago. And so I think about like how you're having to engage in school, ensuring that they're there. And as a parent, I keep hearing you say, because so many parents don't see themselves or people would say, We are a parent, not a caregiver. But when you have a special needs child with differing abilities or multiple abilities that may not be the social norm of abilities, it's hard for people to understand. I would think that would be very lonely. That's what I hear you saying. Like it was hard and nobody wanted to be friends or hang out with me because my kids were had needs that they didn't want to necessarily or could tolerate and accommodate. Yeah. did. have the blessing of having one friend who could, and she had two girls. And at the time I was teaching voice lessons to supplement our income and she could tolerate it. And so she really was a savior to me at the time because I was, I just needed a friend. You know, I needed someone to help kind of normalize what I was going through and validate how it was feeling and and she had two wonderful daughters. name was Lori and her daughters were Brittany and Christie. And they brought a lot of joy, love and life into our home. but it was mostly, you know, on days that they had voice lessons. So I would teach both the girls and then sometimes we'd even go out to eat together and she wouldn't be upset when the kids would knock over their drinks or if one had to just walk around the table while we ate, know, and, that really helped a lot. And then actually I ended up asking my brother-in-law to come stay with me. was, just graduated high school, didn't want to go to college and was kind of at that age where you class with your parents. And so I was like, come live with me. And so he was this gentle giant. He's kind of a bigger, you know, football type, stature guy. And he just brought a piece with him that was so helpful and was that shoulder I could cry on when things were hard and he's very warm. like physically warm person. And so my daughter would curl up like a kitten behind his back on the couch or a chair and just sleep and she never slept. So it was like, oh my God, she's sleeping. I'm gonna go take a nap. You know, isn't it interesting that sometimes it just takes one or it takes two person to really change the situation, Maureen? So I'm going to jump ahead a little bit because your husband, there's 22 months there. He comes back. Something occurs when he comes back, which really doesn't surprise me. Why don't you go ahead and jump into that. All right. Well, let me tell you, you when he first came back, he struggled a bit with how regimented our lives were. You know, we had picture schedules and everything went right according to plan. And then I had all these visual aids and he was like, what the heck is all of this? This is way too regimented. I live in the military. I don't want this in my home. And we're moving cross country because of course he got home and it's time to move. And so the kids are already kind of unsettled because their stuff has changed. And so I was like, okay, fine, take it all away for three days, three years. I'm just gonna be here. After about a day and a half, was like, put it back, fix it, fix it. you You know, and down deep on the inside, that feels good. That feels good. She's laughing. So he got on board and started educating himself on what autism was and how to help the kids and really became an advocate with me. And then we had another baby. I thought you have you not be. Like, I don't know if you know this and how babies are born. Maureen, what are you saying? I know, I know. I can fail. That's my answer. Earth control can fail. Well, and she was planned. I actually really begged for her. in all honesty, wanted to, I think I carried a lot of guilt that it was my fault that the children had autism. And I wanted to try to have a neurotypical child. And since I was a stay at home mom, it was kind of my own case study to see if I could have a neurotypical child. And so I talked him into it, of course, because we have a third child. And when she was born, Um, I was with her all the time and I knew to watch for the signs of it. And so we ended up getting into a program that Chapel Hill had in North Carolina for siblings of, children on the spectrum. And so we, we took her in at 12 months to get tested and she actually tested that 24 months. So she was really advanced for her age. And so I was like, awesome, but I knew that in 12 months we'd have to go back. And so I cheated a little. And I taught her all of the different tasks that I knew that she would have to do to pass the test. And when we went back for 24 months tests, I was like, we got this. And about an hour into the three hour tests, I was like, my, we don't got this. And then, so when they came in that afternoon to tell me that I had another child on the spectrum, that was heavy. That was, my husband of course was in Afghanistan. so I was once again alone for the diagnosis and I remember calling my sister who had moved to North Carolina, for her husband's, he was going back to school and just sobbing on the phone with her because I was just, I knew how hard it had been for my first two. And now I knew what we were about to go through with Coraline and I was heartbroken. and I, you know, I remember having a conversation. with God, like, is it me? Am I just a really bad parent? And I really felt a strong conviction that that wasn't in at all, you know, that's just insecurity. And so I called my husband in Afghanistan to tell him and I will tell you the line that he said, because I've always been impressed by his mind was, well, who better than us to raise another child with autism? And he was so right, because we already knew what to do. And You know, they're all thriving now. They are, if you meet them, they are the most loving, kind, independent kids you're going to meet. Most people wouldn't know that they had autism unless you were really looking for the signs. Because we did put a lot of work into them and it was a moment though, you know, to have three children, two girls on the spectrum was was a moment of acceptance, like, okay, here we go. You know, buckle up, buttercup. It's about to get really exciting. and I'm gonna I'm gonna stop us right there for the break. Yeah, because you said buckle up buttercup. Yeah That is break worthy. Yes. So, okay, we'll be right back All right, everybody we are back here with Maureen Maureen your story is Your husband's saying who better than us to raise another child with it put chills on my room stories another child with autism So I love that someone that's on the spectrum. So I do want to touch on because you were part of Heroes Caring for Heroes. Your husband, he was in the middle tier for 21 years. And how old are the kids now, first of all? How old are your kids? Sure, so I have a 21 year old, a 20 year old and a 14 year old. First of all, that's a lot of fun. So you've got a lot of transition here. You have these three kids. Of course, you have military life. Your husband has got 21 years in the military. Tell me about all this mixture because we always talk about, and obviously he was deployed multiple times. Tell me about the mixture of the kids. We talk about seen and unseen scars and military life. You've got a lot of experience with that. Tell me about how You've got a mass of caregiving I feel like going on in your life. Tell me about that and how it impacts you. That's a good question. I think one of the hardest things for me transitioning from being a soldier to being a military spouse was how invisible I became suddenly. definitely felt like the baggage that came with my husband rather than something that mattered to the military. so I tended to live off post. I tended to stay awake, you know, because military families can be You know, back, it's a lot different now, because most people live off post, but back then most people lived on posts. And, you know, if your kids misbehaved in public, if you showed up with curlers in your hair and in your bathrobe, like it was going to get back to your husband and his commander. Yeah. And so I just couldn't handle all the scrutiny. So I always lived off post, which was kind of lonely. And then, you know, there wasn't the services that they have now, like the military family life centers didn't have that back then. And so I had, I felt sometimes like. a little helpless because I didn't know how to go get the services that I needed that I knew my kids needed and had to go find parents who weren't in the military to find pathways to the services that the kids needed. know, ABA wasn't a thing at the time for my older two. So we ended up in speech therapy, occupational therapy and physical therapy, which between the two kids, I had 18 appointments a week. And it was just back and forth and back and forth. And then all of the appointments came home with homework, know, quote unquote homework for the kids. And so there was never downtime. You know, I I couldn't go on vacation. I couldn't take a mom occasion because there wasn't anyone who had the skills to take care of my kids. I couldn't go to work because there weren't daycare centers where the staff were trained in kids with special needs. And so. It was exhausting. I definitely suffered from some caregiver fatigue. You know, I was just tired and depressed and lonely and, and I didn't know that was the thing. I didn't know I was a caregiver. I was just a parent, you know, trying to do her job. And I didn't know caregiver fatigue was the thing. I just thought that I was this bad mom because there were times I was just, I just wanted a break, you know, needed a moment. I couldn't even go to the bathroom by myself, which Many moms deal with whether their kids are special needs or not, but that just wasn't because my kids wanted to be with me. It was because I was afraid of what they might do when I wasn't in the room with them. And so. Yeah, I mean, our pets now are the problem. I don't get to go to the bathroom without my little pug following me in. But that's normal. I'm totally fine with my beagle doing this to me as well. Winston was in the bathroom with JJ this morning as she got ready. And I was just like, well, at he's not drooling. Yeah. And so and he's not getting drool on you. it's OK. You know, so let me ask you this. have this shift, though, because here's the thing that's so interesting. You are a subject matter expert for the VA, especially around benefits administration for that side of the house. you go back to work. You're not a stay at home mom. goes back to school. She goes back to school. So like, what was it in you? And was it, I don't know if it was when your, when your husband left the military, like what, like at some point it feels like there was this switch that you're like, I'm going to do more and I'm going to, and it sounds like a lot of, it sounds like selfish, but it's not like, I'm gonna go back to school and I'm gonna get my degree. I'm gonna go and I'm gonna do this because you are a total bad A. Like you knew those, like when we were talking to you on the veteran, if you haven't listened to Maureen explaining the veteran's benefits, holy moly, they are- Inside out, upside down. October 31st, that's the episode that you wanna listen to. So tell me what was that point that you're like, it's time for a change, Maureen's coming to the forefront. Sure, sure. I do want to make, you know, I've kind of painted a groomed picture. I do want to say there were moments of joy with my children and I learned how to see the world in different way. And I was never a patient person, never. And I am now one of the most patient persons you're ever going to meet. And that skill came to serve me later. So I just wanted to kind of give that. the God puts you. God was like, you're going to need some patience. Let me think. How can I do this? children on the spectrum that have different levels of needs. That'll do it. Yeah. There you go, Maureen. No, actually, I didn't, I didn't really want to go back to school. was kind of stuck in my poor, poor me mentality. We moved to Maryland and we were going to be there for three years while my husband was stationed there. And this new thing called the GI, the post 9 11 GI bill had just come out like brand new. Yeah. And, you got paid a housing stipend while you attended school for free for veterans. And my husband was like, we could use the money. Please back to... And I remember telling him, I don't need a master's to change diapers. Like I was really resistant. love that. No. I already am a subject matter expert. I'm a subject matter expert. Exactly. So, but I do, do, you know, I'm like, okay, yeah, you're right. We could use the money. So I go back to school to get a mental health counseling degree, because I had a bachelor's in psychology. And, you know, the first six weeks, I was uncomfortable. I didn't feel like I fit in. Everyone was so much younger, you know, and while I had three kids, they were just hoping their hookup didn't result in kids. you know, I'd been in the army. They didn't even know what the army really did. And I just... So I went into the school certifying official, is the guy that says, yes, this is your GI bill and yes, you can use it. And I was like, I'm going to drop out. I can't do this. And it felt really selfish too. You know, I felt like spending all this time on me was taking away time I could be spending with my kids. But at this time they were all in school and they were all doing pretty good. And he was like, we'll go to the student veteran resource center. And I was like, I'm not a veteran because I never identified as a veteran. More rain! I know, I know, I know. But you know, this is so common. It is so common for people who served who didn't maybe experience combat or who did not see or there's these preconceived notions of what a veteran is. And that's why so many of them don't access the benefits. Maureen was like, that's kind of me. But kind of me. So I did go and he helped me, you for the first time with him, he was like, I thought you were using your GI Bill, not your husband's. And I was like, well, I am. And he's like, well, doesn't that make you a veteran? And like the light bulb finally went D. It's like, maybe I am a veteran, I guess. I go to the resource center and you know, the all the branch flags are around the room and the people are on their grunt style shirts. And I'm just like, I'm home. you know, what I've been missing for so long. that shared past experience. I know. It felt, it probably felt very familiar, which made it comfortable. I was home for the first time in a very long time. And so I started taking advantage of some of the organizations that are out there for veterans, because I guess I am a veteran, so I can do this. one of the life changing ones for me was Student Veterans of America, because they taught leadership. And you know, I'd only been a sergeant in the army, which isn't that high of a rank, and I'd only been at for like a couple months. And it really helped me understand that the skills that I'd learned in the military really translated into the civilian world beautifully. I just didn't have the language for some of it. You know, you can't just dive hand a volunteer and tell them they got to do something. You you have to build the relationship and help them understand the why and create the goals. And then I realized that the degree I was seeking, I hated, I did not want to do therapy. was doing my internship at Johns Hopkins and I was like, I love therapy, I think it's really important, but I don't think I'm meant to do this. Yeah. So, so I started looking into ways that I could pivot and I got selected into a program that that doesn't exist anymore. I wish it still did, but it's called high ground veteran advocacy and they teach veterans how to become national advocates. And I was a little nervous going in because I didn't know what an advocate. was and it was I was the only woman the other four were all men one of them had run for office one of them had passed a bill and I was like can you tell me the difference between the house and the senate But it turns out that those 11 years teaching the community about autism translated beautifully into Capitol Hill advocacy. And so my career just took off from there. I love it. And Jay, I know we're at the end of our time, because we've got to do sister questions now. Maureen, I want to be your best friend. I want to be like not Jay-Jay. You can't be Jay-Jay's best friend now. so- We just won't tell her, Maureen. Mostly that. And so I hear so much, like there's so much of Maureen's, like, who's similar personality to mine, because I'm like, oh, I want to do that, but I don't want to do that. I want this, but I don't really want to do that. And you are such an advocate. I mean, you know- Like, again, if you have not listened to the Veterans Administration, the episode to hear Maureen talk about benefits, she is so passionate about helping other veterans and families. You have a total servant heart. You are a caregiver at its basic essence. fire, though. And you mean she's like, and I think that's what Maureen, you are just like one in a million, though, because you make the conversations that you're able to have. I think there's so many people that when they think about benefits in any field, you make it, you just drill down and you make it easy to understand. You don't talk here and make it like, no, you can't have it because it's so complicated. You're just like, look, I want you to get it. You're like on everybody's side. But I feel like there's so much of it when you just said it. I've learned this from 11 years of. Exactly. That's the lived experience that helps. Okay. So Jay, what I'm going to ask it. Okay. I'm ready. Are you going to ask? What are you going to ask? I'm ready. This is sister's actually nervous, Maureen. This has nothing to do with anything that Maureen has shared today. I'm ready. Okay, Maureen. And something you wrote in here, which has just tickled me to death. You said, because this is all about you, you said, I am also a new Jeeper and I have discovered a love of off-roading. What in the heck is this like? Marines self care activity. Tell me about. my questions like that. did you get into that? So actually, I got in a horrible car wreck last year. Okay. And they, they, it was a three car pileup on 66, which is a horrible high. 96 is like Satan's playgrounds like 95. Yes. So, someone was going 55 rear ended us at a stop and there was one guy in the middle. was at the front and it wrecked my SUV. I had like a Honda pilot and it took forever for the parts to come in and we needed a car. My son is six three, so we needed a car that would fit my son. it was Christmas time and we were heading up to this cabin that we have up in the woods for Christmas and I rented a car. I'd rented an SUV and when I got to the lot, all they had was a Jeep. And so I was like, well, it's tall it'll work. I'm assuming a Jeff Wrangler. It was a Jeep Wrangler. It was actually a Sahara. But it was, I had so much fun driving it that we had a little Honda Civic that was kind of on its last legs. And so it was in the shop and it needed some work. And my husband who had taken it in saw that there was a Jeep on the lot and they were like, Hey, could we trade in the Honda towards the Jeep? And they were like, sure. Cause he knew that I really enjoyed the Jeep. And so he calls me and he's like, get down here. So I come down and here's this really sexy Jeep Wrangler. I mean Rubicon, send the photo please send the photo please send the photo to me. Coming in the episode. Maureen you just step out you just continue to surprise me you're just like serious straight lays but then Maureen is like I got a lifted Jeep and I got a little blue hair if you have not seen Maureen she's like serious she's in front of Congress but she also is like blue hair. it's what it is is it is just individualism it is. I am, you know, you're so well-spoken, well versed in all the things. And you're like, and yet this is also me too. And I'm gonna make, and I think this comes from potentially you having children on the spectrum. I want you to accept all of me. All of me, not just part of me. And so, and I love your blue hair. Here's the bigger question is, do you have ducks in the front window? I have about 30. sorry. Anybody who loves the G I had a Jeep when I was I was growing up and it used more oil than it did gas It's true and but it had it was red. It was in 1991 and it I was so cool It had thirty one and half inch tires on it and it was I thought I was like a bad day Yeah, and it I mean really when I say it used more oil than gas it really did so it was only for a summer It was fine. Okay, so here's my last question. Yes, last question. Okay, okay What, I feel like this is the answer. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? My favorite guilty pleasure. The one thing you do for yourself. think it's the cabin. We have a little log cabin next to a river that we got for a steal. And anytime I can get there, it's like a solar recharger. It just my battery for everything just goes to full and I'm ready to come back and tackle whatever difficult policy issue or challenging personality or, you know, getting multiple agencies to work together on a topic. that is, it feels guilty to me because I don't work when I'm at the cabin. You we go out to eat, we, the cabin takes like 10 minutes to clean before we leave. I don't do anything but just relax. And it feels very guilty because I'm just relaxing. And I think as a caregiver, we get into go, go, go, go, go, go, mode. And as a mom and as a working mom, I mean, I don't think that's exclusive to caregivers. And so to just sit and... be and here is heaven. Oh, I love that. You know, you're fantastic. I have a couple. There's a let's do a lightning round. Yes, there were some questions that you wanted. And so we're to do a lightning round and you've got we're going to do one hundred and twenty seconds. Are you ready for a lightning round? I'm ready. What are some of the books you would recommend to caregivers and to others? So two of my favorite books for parents with children under the age of teenagers is The Incredible Years and The Explosive Child. Love those books. I've seen that I've read that one. Okay. Ready? Go Jay. Parenting tricks you would recommend. Ooh, patience. I think stop fighting battles you don't need to fight. And the other thing would be find ways to make the work fun. I like that too. Okay. There's four questions. Okay. How can friends of those in caregiving roles support? mean, besides being there and accepting them as they are, don't ask them to go out without their kids, invite the kids along or wherever they're caregiving for. A lot of friends would offer to take me out to drinks and I couldn't because I had the kids and so make the person who they're caregiving for a part of the friendship and a part of the activities that you do. That would be one. And the other thing is educate yourself. You know, learn a little more about whatever diagnosis or illness that the person that's being cared for has so that you can help support. And then don't ask, how can I help? Just offer. Hey, can I pick up the kids? Can I bring you my dinner? I? Because you take the emotional work of thinking of how you can help me off the plate and I can just be thankful. love that. Okay, reaching out for help. Where did you reach out for help? What would you recommend? A place to get help? For people on the spectrum, there are autism societies in every state. That is where I found a lot of help and support. For families in the military, use those resources that you have now. They're amazing. For families that don't have those resources and support, actually surprisingly, Facebook has some amazing communities that you can reach out to for friendship, for support, for learning. about, are you kind of validating what your experience is like? Because someone else is going to be writing about it too. validation. love that. Love it. Maureen, you are amazing. I'm so glad we're besties. know. I'm so glad. You are fantastic. Guys, thanks so much for listening to this episode. And we are so grateful to have Maureen on here to share her personal story. Again, her story only. Yes. Represented her opinions are hers alone. Exactly. And very much like ours. our opinions are absolutely there. opinion. And so guys, thanks so much for listening until next time until we confess again. We'll see you next time. Bye bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Thanks so much for listening into the podcast. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about The Confessions Show. Don't forget, visit our website to sign up for our newsletter as well as connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and Twitter. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on The Confessions website and our YouTube channel. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this show are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the express written consent of the Sisterhood of Care LLC. Thank you for listening to the Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver podcast.