The Juggle: Kyle Daquanna’s Journey as a Caregiver, Father, and Advocate

"Life is really short and it changes." - Kyle Daquanna

JJ and Natalie sit down with Kyle Daquanna, a male caregiver, as he shares his powerful journey of balancing work, family, and caregiving responsibilities after his father’s stroke. Kyle opens up about the emotional and logistical challenges of caregiving, the impact of family dynamics, and the difficult medical decisions caregivers face. The discussion highlights the importance of advocacy in navigating insurance systems, preparing for future caregiving needs, and finding community support. Whether you're a caregiver or supporting a loved one, this episode offers valuable insights into resilience, personal growth, and the complexities of the caregiving experience.

Kyle is a 3rd generation Floridian who lives in Sarasota Florida. He's a passionate single father of 2 boys, Adam and Kai who are 9 and 7 and he's an active Dad! Kyle coaches football, baseball and loves to take the boys camping, fishing and anything else outside! Kyle is a family man and was the 1st in his family to ever go to college. He works at Empathy where he serves as the Director of Employer Solutions. Kyle is active in his church and serves with the kids and "Next generation" - something he's very passionate about. 

🔥 In This Powerful Episode, You’ll Discover:
✅ A Male Caregiver’s Perspective – Kyle shares his unique experiences stepping into the caregiver role.
✅ Emotional & Logistical Challenges – The reality of balancing work, family, and caregiving.
✅ Advocating for Loved Ones – Tips on navigating medical decisions and insurance roadblocks.
✅ Lessons in Resilience – How caregiving fosters personal growth and strengthens family bonds.
✅ Building a Support Network – Why community and preparation are crucial for caregivers.

Social Media:

Website: hicleo.com 

Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kyle-daquanna/

💡 Why Watch? If you’re navigating caregiving or supporting a loved one, this episode offers real-life insights, hard-earned wisdom, and practical strategies to help you on your journey.

#CaregivingJourney #StrokeRecovery #CaregiverSupport #MaleCaregiver #AdvocacyMatters #NavigatingHealthcare #FamilyCaregiving

Transcript

0:00

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad, and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Now, let's jump right in to today's guest confession. Hey, good morning, Jay. Good morning, Natalie. How are you doing? I'm fine, how are you? You know, it feels like a really good day to talk about caregiving. Today is a good day to talk about caregiving. You know, and you know what's really fun is, know, caregiving is typically, it feels like for most people, they think it's mostly women. It's not. It's not, because we have Kyle with us today. That is true, and guess what? What? Kyle's a boy. Yeah, yeah, Kyle's definitely a boy. Kyle has boys. It's a whole house of boys. It is a house of boys, and I think it is probably a pretty fun house. Yeah, so we always say that though we have a male caregiver come on. I know we have a boy Because they're they're hidden and that's we're so excited we get that opinion We have so many women that come on and share but you are like a rare a rare It's like you I know I feel like a little National Geographic like in the wild You can find this male caregiver. Let's talk about Kyle. Well, I'm gonna make a confession first. Can I tell you? Yeah, I forgot my glasses Kyle. So Oh, are you going to actually hold the paper to your face? No, that's actually embarrassing. That's confession. I'm FYI, Kyle, sorry, JJ is the oldest. know. Thank you. In case everybody in the world did not know JJ is the oldest. She can't see anything. Can we get my glasses? No, no, I'm good. I can see. So but as everyone that doesn't know as a caregiver, as you get older, your eyes fail you. So I want to introduce Kyle with very large font. So we are very excited to have you, Kyle. We're excited to introduce Kyle DeQuanna, I pronounced that correctly too, he is an active single dad of two young sons. He coaches ball, he is active in his church, and he loves doing stuff outside. He camps, he fishes, just anything. Also very interesting guy. He's a caregiver for his dad who had a stroke three years ago. He felt the impact of caregiving firsthand and was at a loss, I love that when he said that, when his dad had his stroke. He had a business to take over, he had a dog to house, and a father whose condition was unknown. And that's really a scary part of it. Where is Kyle today? You're not gonna believe it. Get ready, because he has created balance in his work, in his life, and in caregiving. And I'm excited, Kyle, for you to tell me how you do that, because sometimes my scale is totally off balance. Look at you rubbing your hands in the microphone. I'm so sorry for everybody had to hear that. about that. was like, JJ, I'm surprised she didn't clap, Kyle. Like, wow! And everybody who are listening to this be like, what is that loud noise? They fell off. Sorry. Kyle, thank you so much for being with us. Thanks for having me. I appreciate the opportunity. we're so excited. So, you know, I always love to start off. do this. I say it every time. People are like, yes, we know. Start from the beginning. You were born. But I always say start from the beginning. So tell us a little bit about your background, about your family. Kind of bring us up to walk us up to then where Carrie began. Yeah. Yeah. So I'll start. So early childhood at a high level. So I'm the youngest of three kids. Yeah. I'm the baby third generation Floridian. So rare breed here. The folks moved here from the North. Look at you, you're like a card carrier. You're a card carrier in Floridian. Yep, I'm real one. Just like the male caregiver out in the world. You're ha ha ha. I grew up in, in Krista river. a small town in Florida on the west coast. It's actually home of the manatees. So a lot of Springs and amenities in there. life for me started pretty quick. Five years old. lost a brother. My oldest was a brother and he had a neurological condition called Tourette syndrome and he made a lot of frequent voluntary ticks and and vocal outbursts and freshman year was not very kind to him. He got bullied quite a bit and he had came home one day from school and he had shot himself. And I was with my mom actually when she found him. So it was only five years old. so grew up very quickly. Cause I wondered what was going on. Where's my brother at? You know, what is this heaven? Are we going to go there? Why did he do this? Why do kids bully? Um, then saw the unfortunate toll on my parents as well. dad lean looking back, great, great man. And we'll spend a lot of time on him. Obviously as I care for him, but a great man just didn't take it so well. You could obviously imagine his oldest son had done this and they blame them. They blamed each other and, uh, dad kind of coped with substance abuse. Um, mom just was distant and never led to a divorce. My sister, uh, she, she, She kind of went the wrong direction. she was, she was active very early in her life with some, with some inappropriate things, using drugs at a very early age. And then there was me. and I just really wanted to do, make life as easy as possible on my parents. Like what could I do to make them not be mad or sad? so, this kind of striving mentality, if you will, or the only way I really got attention was like being a really high performer. So I was straight A student growing up, school was pretty easy for me. was. very blessed, popular, all the kids. played quarterback in my high school team as a freshman, you know, and so all stars all the years and things like that. And it's kind of the only way I got attention it felt like, but looking back, I understand led to, they're, you know, they're great people, mom and dad, they just struggle. That's a difficult moment early on. And I'll say this, Kyle. mean, that's the death of a child, but the suicide of a child at a freshman level, freshman year, that is awful. And we know how bullying is now. I mean, I know that this has been many years ago and we didn't have social media the way that we do now. But I mean, even then, mean, it's, that absolutely will tear families apart. And you don't manage it. right and it was unfortunate. I felt this uh almost like this calling if you will like because I everything came so easy to me like to just help other people in life help kids in school who weren't very popular you know the kid maybe a little bit heavier set or who dressed a little bit different and just to help them out and I still this day I'm 36 I find joy and fulfillment in doing that and just leaning out and helping someone that may not be as as as happy and joyous as as others out there so I went on to play baseball in college as the first in my family to go to college ever. graduated college in 2010. Yeah, you totally nailed it on that one. I'm watching it on TV. My professor was like, we're just going to get out of the books and just watch it on the TV. I'm like, and we're seeing the interest rates go one way and the value of the dollar go another way. The value of bonds and the inverse correlation. It was so fascinating to me. It really, really was. so I did finance as well. just really had this call. Like I loved it. I really loved the way the economy worked. My dream was actually I was going to be an international banker. I I started pursuing Spanish as well. Yeah. And I was going to meet my wife in South America. That was the He planned everything. He had a plan. I love that. know what? think Kyle's had a plan and control for since he was very little. I know. I think that you needed to have things very predictable growing up, I would say, as much as you could. Be fair, was my plan. That didn't end up working out. God always has a different plan. He's like, look at you, you're cute. Watch this. Scratch that, scratch that. I did the banking thing for a little bit. Got me into sales. It's where I've been ever since. like selling things that help people. I'm on Serve and Empathy now. We help individuals with bereavement care. But yeah, been on the West Coast of Florida my whole life. Love outdoors. I, like you had mentioned, boys and I are usually outside every weekend, usually on the water. or camping now it's cooling off a little bit in Florida. It's cold here. So it's in the seventies. that's For wearing mom sleeves and hoodies now, cause it's in the seventies. and so yeah, I'm active, active in the church. we coach all the sports. They're both, know, it's a house of boys. So we were doing. I love that it's a house of boys. at some point, because I know that you have sons, and so if you don't mind me asking, were you married for a window of time and then it didn't work out? you just thought, I'm just going to take these boys right here. I found them on the side of the road and just thought, okay. Yeah. Yeah. My, uh, you know, so college, um, I was entrepreneurial, but, uh, maybe with some wrong things. I got into, uh, running nightclubs and, and, um, was stage my life or deviate a little bit from what I would say, like, uh, the narrow path. And, uh, I ended up having, um, a interaction. And I got a phone call that this young woman was pregnant. so that's Adam. Adam's named after my brother, his uncle. It was the second Adam to Kwanah. And it didn't work out. I thought maybe this is it. That's how God's going to get me off this busy, wild, kind of nightlife living path and onto fatherhood. And it did get me on the fatherhood, but it wasn't marriage. We had tried great relationships, still Best friends this day. Yeah, that can totally happen. Both things can be true. You know, that's right. and, continued a little bit. This time I thought she was the one things moved really, really fast. You know, when you're young, it's like, think, the next step is just the right thing to do always. So it was like, let's move in together. Let's get engaged. And then we show the baby and then things get better. And, that that's not how it works either. And so didn't work out, but that's where my second son, Kai, it came from. And again, his mom, I, they two moms and best friends with both of them. best friends with both of them and we do get to share some custody so they obviously see their moms and they've got a wonderful relationship with their families and their boyfriends as well because it's the child's best interest that we're out for and that we're for. You make sacrifices, know, like not going to be with them this Thanksgiving, for example. Not ideal, but it does give dad an opportunity to go up to North Carolina for a couple of days and you know, by myself. so, It's got its perks as well. So that's where my children came from. Not married yet, but maybe one day. Maybe one day. You've not been to South America yet. So we're working our way down. Maybe it's the South American part. Here, that's the banking part. And then you go to South America. just doing your checklist. mean, you know, like whatever. No big deal. So you're living life and you have a... The consistent part is that we all have different lives and we have our ebbs and flows. The goods, the bads, the ups and the downs. And so, but something happens where you get slowed down. And your life then comes to this intersection, which is the intersection of life and care. And it is a big giant stop sign usually. so, because it was a stop sign for me, it was a stop sign for us with our mom. and it really is a hard stop too. Yeah. It's like, so what, how did you get into care? Where did it start? Yeah, so it continues. So it was at the year after COVID. So it's about three and a half years ago on May 15. So I forget, there was a Sunday I was actually, me and the boys were, I served with the kids in the next generation there at church and we were highlighted. I took a picture of it, it home to mom, dad, and my sister. And mom and dad are also still best friends. So that's where I learned this from though. They, they divorced. They were, since they were 12 years old. And when they divorced, I mean, my mom's husband and my dad, best friends. So that's where I learned it from, just to plot all the parents who can do that, because it's super important. And I think kids are watching. That's right. But we're all in a group text together. And dad didn't reply, which was super strange on a Sunday. Usually he's pretty active and communicative. It's his kind of day to rest. And it's about 730. My sister had called and still had to talk to him. I said, just go over, swing by his house. And she's like, we'll be on the phone. Just in case something bad happened. I'm like, what do you think happened? That's fine. and she watches first 48 I can feel it. Line and all that stuff. right. That would be me. I'd be like, just stay on the phone, Jay. I'm a little scared. Yeah. Because you don't know. And you think it's kind of, you kind of laugh about it and you're like, it's fine. And then you're like, yeah, there's something there. know, actually it's one of those things you don't ever forget very vivid. And she actually said, it's like a case I find him dead in the kitchen or something. Like I want you on the phone. I'm like, what are you talking about? That's like 67 people don't die at 67. Yeah. Um, we wasn't and back up a tad the night before around seven 30, I talked to him on the phone. He said, all right, junior, let me let you go. I'm getting ready to sit down and have my dinner. Um, and. Coming back now to Sunday afternoon around seven o'clock. My sister goes in, binds him on the floor. Um, his dog was barking at the window and that's what threw off. She's like, why is the dog, why is Sophie barking so much? Um, and dad's not letting her out. He's outdoors as well. Doors usually open windows open and stuff. And, um, so she went in and she had found them and, he had, you use the restroom on himself clearly. And he was, uh, unconscious. So he had to be airlifted. His food was still on the table. higher up. which means he was there almost, he probably fell very shortly after talking to me and I say fell, a stroke and then fell is what the kind of hypothesis is from the medical team and her officers or first responders on hand. And because the food was still there somewhere around 23, 24 hours that he was alone, which isn't good. You know, about the strokes that you really have this short window that you want to get in and start doing some of the neurological things to try and help stimulate and get things back on track. And unfortunately, we missed that window a pretty large amount. So we to be airlifted and spent the next five days in ICU. We're actually told that he wasn't going to make it because we had, he wasn't able to, at this point, his body was almost not able to do anything, including swallow. And so he wasn't able to eat anything. And we just really don't necessarily believe in the feeding tubes or any sort of artificial things that the body would need to, if it can't run on its own, then it's time to go to our next life. And so we had declined those and they said, well, if you decline one more time, then your next meeting will be with hospice. so super unfortunate. That was one of the interactions also very, very late. Remember super frustrated because your emotions are running high. It's not the answers you want to hear. You're just trying to share your beliefs and faith with the doctor who disagrees with you. It's now being. Disrespectful quite frankly with with what they're trying to push on you and they're just fine. So it's part of it Let me pause for a second, because we're gonna take a break before we go into that, because I wanna back up for just a second. I can tell you wanna back up too. We'll be right back. All right, everybody, we are back here with Kyle, and they have airlifted his dad, because you have hit that moment where your dad had a stroke, and he's basically not been found for 24 hours. And you've got the doctors, they have said... if you decline the feeding tube, it's pretty much hospice. Yeah. And so, but it's interesting. So let me ask you this, because this is where a lot of families, and we weren't prepared. We've talked about this well in the past. Did your dad, did your dad, does your mom, did they have a POA? Did they have all of their things worked out so that you knew exactly what he wanted? Because it's interesting that you said, They were in agreement with us and you're trying to explain this is what we believe as a family. And I'm like, well, there's a legal document that says, don't care what you think, sir. This is what we choose. This is what I want because I have that right. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm gonna say both sides. None of it. Like as far as legal paperwork goes, none of it. only reason why I know all this is because of losing a brother and my dad often getting with the substance and then he'd be. We having some beers on night and would share what he wanted us to do with him when he went to heaven, right? Like you want to be sprinkling outgoing tide at John's Pass out of St. Pete Beach. That's where Adam went on a surfboard if we could, because he loved to surf. And if I ever can't breathe on my own or something, don't let him put any of those robots on top me to breathe. That's not living. Like, let me go. Don't ever hold me back. so. because of some, you know, evenings like that and conversations, it's pretty clear what your dad would want. You know, we're very, very close. But to answer your question as far as legal paperwork, power of attorney, all the medical actors in the roles, none, none of that. And it's interesting and I think it's just because you said even what you said to your sister like that's 67. He's not gonna die at 67. Like that's there are rules like you're not supposed to die until you're 100. I think that's because I'm like that's like dad. I'm like 58. Yeah, our dad. Yeah, like what do you mean? Our dad had a massive heart attack and he just dropped dead like that doesn't even make sense. Yeah, like right because we still see our parents. I don't know about you, but you know I've always seen my parents as what they look like. And I even think about it more like when I was in high school, like my parents in my mind are like this forever forties. Like, and so you're like, and even though they age, you're like, they're not old. Cause that means we would be getting older to be honest with you. So, so you said, so the doctors really weren't respectful of what the decision is, but ultimately you still have the right to make that decision because If it's just your dad, then it's you and your sister who have the rights to on their behalf if they're not able to make those decisions, Correct. Yeah. And so this was one of the more difficult times of the whole experience because, quite frankly, also, I didn't really know what a stroke looked like. Like what, does life look like after? know what it looks like right now though. And he's essentially unconscious. He's paralyzed. We're going on day four of no eating. Remember he missed the meal the night before, cause he just hung up the phone with me. He didn't eat. So that was already 24 hours. So we're on four days, no food. Obviously they're dropping liquids through IVs and stuff, but that's why. you're going to need, he needs nutrients and we won't be able to do this whole IV drip for sustainability for much longer. So you need to make a decision that, know, the alternative way to take in food and nutrients, or he won't be able to, keep going. And, and, and that part is also tough because you can, you can have, can, you want to honor your father, your parents and their wishes and stuff, but party is also like, I don't really care what you want to do. We're going to keep you alive and you're going to make it. Right. And so, at the end of the day, again, we stood on the faith and we said that's not what he would want and not what we would want either. Unfortunately, we had some family that were able to remind us of that. Like you wouldn't want that. But I want to continue to tag because this part does get better. There was one amazing, amazing nurse. I'll never forget her name was Rachel and she had red hair. And she's like, we should try a pudding. And I'm like, let's try whatever you want to try, you know, because this time dad's at least like awake. He's moving a little bit, right? Like in the face a little bit now. and just to fast forward, he was able to take a bite of pudding that morning. That one bite of pudding led to like a whole thing, which is a ton. Mine, this guy has an eating, we're talking feeding tubes, like hospice is what do want to do? And, and then the next day he's getting a little bit of pudding and you fast forward the next day, he was able to eat something else soft and then soup or like, you know, they, I forget the word, but they grind the food. He was able to. the next day, puree. And from there, it just continually got better for a while until it didn't. But yeah, that phase quickly got better. Dad's progress with the new transfer would get better. His mind was slow to come back, but was there. And we could see some of the short-term things were a little bit, you could tell we're not. reactive as much long-term was amazing. And when he was talking about things like randomly with my mom, high school dates, went on restaurants that they went and the aid at, but like, didn't know that he had a dog. For example, right? Little stuff like that. But with the food, dad kept progressing, progressing. We were able to transition out of ICU into a rehab facility where they had some of the best care in Southwest Florida. Because again, just like the mental thing, you have a short window, same goes for the physical. You really want to start getting some of those muscles back as quickly as you can. So by this time now his right side starts to work. Full functionality, legs can be picked up on, can be picked up. We truly believe my dad's going to walk out of that rehab facility or walk around one day to a football game. And now I'm still, you know, someone called them and was like, dad's walking. Like I wouldn't be surprised. He's just that guy. Unfortunately his left side still is paralyzed today, but yeah. We did the therapy for a while, you know, for, for, for a good while. Next battle of the unknown was insurance. You know, they're like, insurance, Medicaid A, Medicaid B. I'm like, what, what is all of this? player. This one doesn't allow them to do therapy. This one doesn't allow them to come home and do therapy. We'd have to do this. And it just felt like they're putting us in a box. You like you had to go into a box on top of all this is that my dad worked for himself, but owned, he owned a lawn service company and had a couple of employees in May, you know, middle of May in Florida, it's humming grass is growing. It's just like, you don't get to not show up. with the grass because you miss it cut these lawns every week. And so we had to move very quickly on that as well. During the time in ICU, it wasn't a concern. It's like whatever. But once you realize dad's live, dad's going to live, we're going to have a new life with it. Stroke victim. let's solve for the business. So I actually took away from my job. Ironically enough, I just started a caregiving company called Cleo as my first week of work. And I just completely disappeared. text my boss and I'm like, my dad had a stroke. I don't know when I'm coming back. And I didn't even know if I'd have a job to come back to. So I was gone like two and a half weeks. I went and cut lawns for a couple of days. What did your, me ask you this, I'm gonna totally interrupt CalMU, because I moo all the time. Moo. What did your boss say? They, she was friendly about it. She, I, full respect, that company, they wore what they believed in, like what we sold, we sell this caregiver support model. And she's like, go take care of your family as long as you need to. And we'll be here when you get back and we'll see. And they would follow up, but, but, but while also giving me some space and some, freedom and flexibility, not like every day when you back, but just touching base, seeing how you're doing, anything the team can do. after about just trying three weeks, I came back to work. Wow. And so, and that's the care began for you in a crisis. It was absolutely a crisis. But it sounds like, and I'm going to say this, I'm going to kind of look back. I feel like you also learned to care for people at five when your brother passed. Because you started caring for everyone. Because you cared to make sure your parents were happy. You wanted to bring them joy. And it sounded like, it sounds to me like you kind of stepped into the space to make sure everyone was okay, even at such a young age. And that's what kind of, and I'm assuming you had lots of really great mentors from educators to friends, family, and all that stuff, people who poured into you. I, like, this is poured into. Like, you know, I hear you saying your parents struggled after your brother. And so it sounds like there were some people who probably stepped up to support you as a little nugget. And you carried that over into your adulthood. And even into the work that you did, you said, I just started a caregiving job. Like it's something related to providing care. So you get past those three weeks, you go back to work. How does life shift though? Because you're going to have a shift. It's going to be like, now you've got a parent that is recovering from a stroke. And what does life start to look like? And the conversations with you and your sister. and even maybe your mom. Yeah, that was one of my questions really fast. I keep hearing you say your mom is actually still involved. Like you were saying something about decisions that your mom was still, she was still part of that. She was, yeah, she was involved with this. She was there from the very beginning. And I'm so thankful my sister and I were aligned on all the, just say things. Cause I'm looking back and I'm like, man, specifically the medical conditions. And then you get into the money and my dad didn't have much, but he'd have the business and some little things and even just things at his house at like, dad loved this. He loved like going to powwows, like Indian culture was very fascinated with old, old Florida. He's got some amazing leather jackets and it's just like, who's getting that? Who's getting his, who's going to wear his gold chain, you know, or where, how long do we just save it at his house for? some of the immediate things, mean, the business needed to be solved for immediately. Um, once we realized it would be, it wasn't necessarily a short-term experience that that was the other part of the unknown. It just felt like it was always so unknown. What's tomorrow going to be like? We couldn't afford just to pay for dad. Dad lived by himself on his own. Right. How long. How long do we pay for this for before we're just wasting money every month? Like, is that going to be able to move back to a home on his own? Doctors, you know, you get this long-winded answer. Well, well, if this, if that's like, but is he or is he not? Cause we, you know, I needed that. love you said it early on. Like I like to plan and have this predictable life. in preparation and that's not how this journey works. So the business was one, the home was difficult. That was a challenging one for us to let go of his home because that felt almost like we were giving up a little bit to me. was like, but if what about when he gets out? And I'm like, what about when he does start walking again? Then where's he going to, you know, I guess he'll move in with us, which, will be, which will be fine. but, he wouldn't, he wouldn't want to do that, you know? So I just wanted to honor him as well. That was challenging. And then, you know, little stuff like finding a ride to the doctor's appointment because his left side wasn't able to work. And then just being in the hospital for so long, there was some like wounds to say on his foot needed to be, and you can't let stuff like this sit. He had missed appointments because of the way also his leg was, he couldn't sit in a normal vehicle. So he needed to be in non-emergent transport, not an ambulance, that's for emergencies. but a vehicle that has the ability to move someone on a wheelchair. We had found out it was very, very difficult. We missed appointments. We were late for appointments. Again, my sister and I at this time, very thankfully, we're closer than we've ever been. This was a tragedy. It was a tragedy. Brought us closer together. Because I also realized that life is really short and it changes. Strokes are those, you know, it's not like, It's not a slow one. It just happened, right? Like Saturday, my dad was fine. My dad is active. He was a boater, right? This guy would surf when hurricanes come, like hunter out active man. He's doing lawn service, cutting giant shrubs and trees. And now he's paralyzed. Yeah. And it's, you know, so it was, was really hitting and humbling for my sister. But I'll have to say when we came together, we had this amazing idea to start a business. I spoke into a little bit in our original conversation, but we found the nature coast cruisers and so we help disabled people get to their doctor's appointments or discharge from the hospital so that they don't have to wait and been very blessed in favor with that business. Now we have we have three vehicles, we continue to add about one every single year. And we're able to help rehab facilities also hurricanes. need to be transported evacuated away from the West Coast and so we help them do that as well. Most recently, which has been an honor. just to be able to support in a field that I knew nothing about, but we found a need and we're able to support it. So it's pretty cool that part looking back. You know, it's funny, I'm I'm gonna pause here because we need to take a break. I'm gonna take the break right here because I want to go back to what care looked like. I'm gonna go back a little bit farther. I think we need to go back for a sec, but we're gonna take a break. All right, everybody, we are back here with Kyle. Natalie has a backup question. She wants to talk about what care actually looked like because Kyle is also working at the same time. He's doing all this care. Well, you're working and then so... Your dad had to come home. Where does your dad live? And then what does that start to look like? What does life start to transition to? Your new normal, is what I like to call it. Yeah, so he was in rehab facility for a while and a full time care. I'm going to Google. We're very proud of the one that we selected. They had a great program that they ran and then he moves in with me. Thankful to be just how close in proximity everybody is me and my sister and my mom that we're all very close. But he moves in here. Some obviously little physical things you have to do to house like we need a ramp now at the front door, you know, and In the back door and if we want dad to go on the side, we should maybe put a concrete slab over there so he could we could wheel him over there because this point now is in a wheelchair right and he's. saying we're he's mobile with us by moving somebody. he's back mentally he's there. he's verbal yeah he's but at this stage he's going through i would say like week just say I don't know three somewhere around there up to three months. so we're getting used to living together. We have, we're very fortunate to be able to have almost a full-time aid at the house in the beginning stages, just because of the unknown. Like, what is this going to look like? Right? What, what if I've got my boys and I'm, have to do something and dad needs immediate attention? Like I never want, I wanted to make sure that he was never without. And so we were very fortunate to have a full-time care here until we knew what it would look like until it was a little more of a program and regimen. Did you guys have to pay for that or was it covered by your benefit? Yeah, we had to pay for this one. we do too. Yeah, the insurance, this is where the insurance stuff starts to be like, really? And then and then the rate of it, it's like, man, it's expensive. But yeah. But you gotta have it. Sometimes you have to have it and you figure out how you're gonna do it. And I think some of our listeners would say, I don't have the resource to do it, so they have to adjust their lives significantly. Yeah, yeah. And I'm thankful we could. Like there was also things that he had that we had to sacrifice it like the business that we sold. We were able to do well with that and the transition use some of those funds to help us cover their short first couple of months up to a year really. And again, my sister and I did well. So we're thankful to be able to step in and support, support your parents. But he's going through a, you know, like the six week to three months, almost like a grief phase. Like he's, he's pissed. He's just pissed. about this. He doesn't, you know, one of the most difficult things in all of it, the first time I ever changed my dad. And it was difficult for me because I knew how difficult it was for him. I was in the stomach. You know, it's like this is what it is. It's a role I step into. It's my, it's my role. Just like when I had a child, I wasn't My story is a little different. I wasn't preparing. We didn't have a vision board. wasn't a wife and a dream home. was a, and a weekend away. And it led to a kid nine months later. And that was a role I needed to step up and I needed to play that I need to be a dad now. Like this is my role and I needed to be a caregiver for my dad as a son. And I meant changing them and cleaning them up and picking them up, putting them in the, in the tub, you know, sometimes. And that part really hurt him a lot in the beginning, a lot for him to get used to. That was really challenging for his son. You know, and it says the guy who followed me around in college to play bait, to watch me play baseball and take me fishing and shark fishing and surfing all this stuff. And now I'm changing him or I'm cleaning them up. And, that was challenging for him. So he goes to this kind of emotional phase and then starts to get a more positive outlook. at this time, therapy was really good here. for a while and then what we even did, we'd go off site sometimes, which was a great experience because it allowed him just to get out and go to use their facility. There's only so much that we could do at the house. The facility had everything. So we'd go there five days a week. That was insurance paid. So we're thankful for that. So great progress for really like six months. And then at six months, just plateau on any more development. And again, insurance, not to keep pointing fingers, insurance. you just call it for what it is. They're going to say, oh, he's no longer responding to treatment. So we're going to cut it off. Right. Is that so? But that's what it sounded like as opposed to this treatment. We heard this from our friend Doreen. She fought the insurance company forever because she was like, it's maintaining my mom's like to this level. Like you're only going to be this level. And if you regress and he's not he's plateaued, I want to at least maintain that. And that's the part that is the hardest, I think, as caregivers and loved ones advocating for your person, that's why I call it your person. person. That they're like, well, they're not needing medical and the testing. We're not seeing consistent improvement. So we're going to have to deny it. And that feels wrong. Yeah. it's so wrong. And just looking back into it, I always encourage folks cause in that rehab, in the longterm, the first rehab home we were at, they had different sectors and one was like a permanent and you see the folks like they're just in the room all day long. And that was my fear. Cause our body is like, it's washed so much water. And you think of stagnant water, if water just sits, it doesn't move. It gets dirty and it gets bad. And that's not how running water, you think the most beautiful water, the ocean and waterfalls, like that's how water should be. It's how we should be moving. active and I want my fear was no more therapy. Does he even want to, you know, that means no more car rides unless we obviously we still do things, but it was, it was something for him to do during the day while I was at work or while the kids are at school, it was my dad's activity with his, with his, nurse that we could use. So there wasn't that, like I was just fearful. I'm like, I don't want him to fall into the slump of, of just not wanting to get up at all now. And then the mind starts to go. so after that we had to be very intent and I fought and I still fight to be honest with it and, like the insurance and the whole, he eligible? Is he not eligible for it? And we, it's, super odd. We keep finding ways in and we go for like eight weeks and they kick us out again because no more progress. Or we've been on it for too long. We have to renew, but no one told us. So that alone is like, could be a full-time job is keeping up with you. Exactly right. a preach moment right there. Full-time job with insurance. Who's gonna do this for us? I think you're gonna notice like you didn't file for this again. I'm like, I didn't know. I didn't know I had to refile this annually. It almost feels offensive. You you're like, can I have the idiot's guide to being able to use the system? Like, I need it. I like break it down for me because I'm an athlete too. And I'm like, my coach would always say, keep it simple, stupid. Just kiss it all. If I could have the kiss guide to caregiving, that would be helpful. It's like a playbook. You know, let me ask you this, So you're you're you're sounds like you're doing a lot of fighting in the sense of advocacy. And that's so many people. That's all. part of your caregiving role and it'd be interesting to see if you did a time study of how much that we spend advocating because let me tell you something, that's a lot, but how your dad moves in with you and how does this impact your relationships, relationship, how did the boys respond to it? Cause they were little nuggets. And then how did you and your dad do? Cause I know you touched on that a little bit and it being hard for him on the personal care. How about personal life like relationships, friendships, going out doing fun things, all that? Yeah, and make it challenging. Just be super direct. And you got to sacrifice a lot for it. because it doesn't look the same. You even when the kids are at their mom's, well, maybe I don't have a Friday night open or someone comes over for dinner. My dad's in the living room or on, you know, in his room or he couldn't be yelling out commands maybe at me in middle of the night. Who knows? Cause we did the whole, the nighttime night tear thing every now and then too comes up where super weird just at nighttime anger comes up. But that's been few and far between thankfully, but yeah, it does look different. It does look different, but. One thing I would say, and even I was thinking like, what do want one person to hear on this is that life doesn't have to be different though. And so what I mean by that is my dad still goes to football games. Um, I think what I even thought when I started this journey with a stroke is like, cause I knew one guy had a stroke and he wasn't very good. barely talk at all. Memory was gone. They all look so different. That's the other part is every, every person's journey is unique. don't, you don't care what you call it. Heart attack or stroke, cancer. Everyone is unique. So don't ever get bucketed into someone else's bucket for better or worse. Like no, yours is unique on your own and it can be good on its own. But my dad stays active. Like we go, we'll go to the fishing pier at night and go fishing and he gets to fish with his grandkids, you know, or go to the school and watch a parade. Very thankful we have a non-emergent medical transport vehicle in the drive. That is terribly convenient. You made your own transport company. mean, honestly, you did sort of do that. load him up with and go if I could just make an insurance company now that would actually help fight for caregivers. yeah, that's what we try to do with Dadistay Church. She's at church every single Sunday. We do breakfast after we have our little Sunday routine now. And so that's one thing that's helped us feel normal, if you will, is just like bring them to life out there. And same thing, whether it be a date or something, like Dad still goes to bed at early time, but we watch football together. I just try and stay active with him as possible. He says, mine is sharp. He's very, he's all the way there. He's all the way there and he loves to think because he sits a lot, you know, and he loves just to think. So sometimes I'll bring him, um, I dunno, just maybe it was like a topic that was at church, a message or something that happened in high school. like, Hey, remember this with mom? She was bringing it up and he'll just sit there and think on it. then later in the afternoon, he'd like, Hey, sit down. I want to tell you about that thing that your mom was talking about. he. He'll talk for 30 minutes about the circumstance or situation that went on. So we just try and keep us stimulated as well, physically, mentally, as much as, as much as we can. Okay, because it's time for sister questions. can't even believe this because I just like have 400 other questions. JJ apparently doesn't have any questions today. I have all these written down, but I haven't moved. I'm like, okay, but you've asked them. Like you jump in and I go ask a question. so this is always a question. I'd love to ask young caregivers because you're young. That's what I say. He is a puppy compared to us. Compared to us. And you probably can still see. You probably can see actually. He's not got his readers yet. What does your future look like? And that's personal future and business future. I'm very confident in what you're doing in your business, but what do you see in your future other than South Africa? Or South America? South America, sorry. That's funny. went to South Africa two summers ago. It wasn't big, so you nailed it. That's a great question. And it's one I don't get too, too far ahead. I know caregiving in there, caregiving. Again, I want to stay active with my dad, the boys, they're nine and seven now. So they're at a point where they're very, it's every weekend we're going somewhere. We're going up to Augusta in a couple of weeks for a football tournament. And dad won't be able to go on that one, but. Um, you know, professionally, uh, we grew up, I grew up pretty, pretty poor and, uh, not that money doesn't bring happiness, but it does help with, with convenience, just being direct, right? It helps with convenience. It helps where I can have somebody sit with dad. If I know I have a busy day, or if I want to take a weekend and go stay at a hotel on the beach, I could pay to have someone come hang out with dad full time. That way I know, and I have peace of mind. And so I want to make sure I can continue to provide for my family for a convenience situation so that we can go out and live. It's meant to be lived and not just work all the time. And then I also want to help inspiring. love that you all do this. I appreciate the opportunity to be here today. I love how you started. You know, the there's a real stigma that like only females are caregivers. And I even the company I worked at and I'm just like, hey, guys, not it not accurate. You know, I could help some individuals with that, too, because I feel like it gets. Like it's only a female task and it's not, it's not at all. And so I don't know if I answered the question. There's a lot of unknown and uncertainty for sure, but we live life like normal. Do you think that you're better prepared? So now having had your dad had a stroke, have you, I know that you have probably more documents in place to support your dad to be able to make decisions on his behalf. But yes, I know, but with your mom too. Like I'm assuming these are good questions like, hey mom. Yep. Yep. Yeah. So ironically enough, company I work for empathy, we just started a thing where we can help individuals prepare for their end of life through living will create a trust, put your assets in a state, whatever it may be. But that said, yes, right after my dad's because it was like, where does he bank? Well, you know, where does his bank account at? does he have life insurance? Like what, is, does, who's his landlord? Who do we pay the rent to? So many things unknown. And you're just looking through belongings. I'm like, mom, let's sit down. And it was once a desk set on about six weeks, two months max after my dad's situation. I said, let's sit down. And what is, do you have a life insurance policy? What would happen? We just did these if then scenarios and it helped a ton. The peace of mind just, and you know what? It's a real awkward conversation. Sometimes fortunately we had just went through something. So what gave us a little more. a reality like this is gonna happen, unfortunately. So let's talk about it and be prepared. And ironically enough, mean, the caregiving, you know, continuous, think that that's what I think about the future is like, what about how long, what if my mom needs care? Like, am I gonna be caring for two? What would that look like her financial situation is a little bit different, but her husband, you know, fell a couple of weeks ago and goes in, gets evaluated, diagnosed Parkinson's early stage Parkinson's. so, now her, she's a caregiver and she's, she's getting older, you know, and I'm like, mom, you gotta be careful. Cause a lot of times you see the older caregivers. mean, she's 71 years old and they get hurt caregiving. And I'm like, mom, you have to be very intentional. So, But it's helped, know, the insurance, like I was able to evaluate their insurance and because I knew what to do, what not to do, like we got him on the right plan that helps them with his rehab. Cause I'm again, we're big on the rehab. Let's stay active. Let's stay building with it. And then the best financial thing. yeah, it's all those things no one really wants to talk about, but everyone should to know what to do. And the documents are there. Like even the medical thing, would someone know what their parents want? Would they want to feed into or would they want to transition to the next life? Like, do you know for certain? Because in that moment too, you don't want that on your shoulders. I don't want that. I don't want to make this decision, you know, and I had to, we're talking about dogs offline before we got here, I had to put down a 13 year old golden a couple months ago and it was a decision because of a, was like, you could buy like, there's like 5 % chance and he'll have, he'll be on, he'll never be able to walk probably. And the fact there was even a decision at all, like broke my heart. I didn't want a decision. like, I don't want a decision. just. don't make me have a decision, it's not fair. And so same when we get to our parents and these medical conditions and we shouldn't have to make the dislike, we should know from them. So it's super important to make sure we're aligned on what happens in some of those scenarios. Yeah, absolutely. know, Kyle, started, you are such a caregiver. You have been such a caregiver your whole life. I love this. really, it's not even as caregiver because I think it's... It's this, you have a servant heart. You look to serve others and rather it's the transportation company because you saw it was a problem. And now you've started empathy. And I'm gonna say, tell everybody about empathy and then I'm gonna ask you one last question, but I want you to tell people about empathy. Yeah, yeah, empathy honored to be here. So we do personalized bereavement care. So we're building on a category. We work with lot of employers right now. It seems to be the best way to reach the larger audience and about four year old company. But. You know, this category again, taboo to talk about loss in the workplace. Like no one comes in and is like, Hey, I had a miscarriage over the weekend. They don't do that. You don't have the conversation. It is grief and silence. so whether it be lost when I'm born child loss of pet loss of a neighbor, have a platform that supports them with tools and resources and a grief coach as well. And the big part of it is the logistics. Like how do I plan for a funeral? And unfortunately, my sister just lost the best friend and she's using the tool and it's like, I'm emotionally nightmare right now. Like, how do I write an obituary? It's like, here's a tool or someone can do it for you, you know, or how do I file a life insurance claim? No one ever wants to get good at loss. And so we've built a resource center through technology and human that allows, it supports people during, during that time. love it. And I think here's the thing, and it's so necessary, because the thing is, is you don't need it until you need it. And then when you need it, you really can't think. And so you really this is where we encourage and how you said so many things that are like proactive, be proactive, be proactive, like so so many things like take the lessons learned, which is why we started the podcast, take the lessons that that we learned the hard way. And please, if you just do one thing, do this. So if you... So my favorite last question is what is your favorite guilty pleasure? What is the one thing that you do just for yourself? Because it's my favorite thing. That's a good question. I have the awareness to know I struggle with this. I really do. Because I find fulfillment in this servant, you're spot on, you nailed it, where I like to serve others. And that's what fills my cup. But you do that for too long and burnout's real. We are human, regardless of how much we enjoy it or the fulfillment that comes or the pleasures it does. So for me, it's... I mentioned earlier where I'll be on Thanksgiving is sitting like in a tree stand or in the middle of like on the in the Gulf of Mexico with a fish and pole and no one's around and there's no cell service and not having knowing I don't have I mean, it's not bad, but like my kids are getting cared for. My dad's getting cared for and I can just be here for the next three days, five days, however long and know that the part is in the back. You have to know it's OK because I've done those experiences a little early. or not knowing it was okay. And it wasn't even good. It wasn't even fun. It was ruined it. Cause all I doing was thinking about what am I, are my kids okay right now? Are my kids all right? Is my dad going to be okay? We've never had this nurse before. She's only going to be there for four hours, not eight. Like you gotta know it's okay before you leave, make sure everything's cleaned up. But yeah, spend that time for me. It's in the woods or on the golf It's like being close to God because I know you're Godly person. You said a tree stand and all I could think was recurve compound, muzzle loader, rifle. that? So you won't rifle for this one. Okay, because I'm just making sure. I'm like, I need to know if we're bow hunting or if we are gun or. here and there on some species but the ones I'm thinking of that that very special place I'm going to use a rifle on this one. Nice. Well, Kyle, my gosh, this has been so much fun. We don't have any brothers. So FYI, we take in everybody. You're an honorary brother to the sisters. And JJ lives in North Carolina and she lives in Florida. So FYI, she's down in the Keys, but Jay's in North Carolina. So, and I'm just in sunny Virginia. So your sisters are always close by. And we, have tree stands in my backyard. JJ does have a tree stand and a dog. I'm telling you, she's got good property down in North Carolina. Game Systems and Best Friends. We're all besties. Thanks so much for being with us and guys, thanks for listening in today. This has been so, so good and so many good takeaways. And so until we confess again, we will see you next time. Bye bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Thanks so much for listening into the podcast. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confession show. Don't forget, visit our website to sign up for our newsletter as well as connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and Twitter. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on the Confessions website and our YouTube channel. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this show are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the express written consent of the Sisterhood of Care, LLC. Thank you for listening to the Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver podcast.