Beyond the Uniform: A Military Wife’s Caregiving Journey

"I forgot how to care for myself." - Tara Ross

In this powerful episode of Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver, hosts Natalie and JJ welcome guest, Tara Ross to dive deep into the raw realities of caregiving—especially within military families. Tara opens up about her journey from falling in love with John, a dedicated Navy submariner, to facing the life-altering challenges of his traumatic brain injury.

This emotional conversation unpacks the hidden struggles of caregivers, from burnout and emotional exhaustion to the fight for proper health advocacy. Tara shares how relocating to Ohio, navigating caregiving through COVID-19, and coping with personal loss shaped her resilience. She also reveals hard-earned lessons on self-care, setting boundaries, and maintaining personal identity while supporting a loved one.

💡 In this episode, you’ll discover:
✅ The emotional toll of caregiving and how to avoid burnout 🧠💔
✅ The importance of health advocacy and speaking up for your loved one 🏥📢
✅ How COVID-19 reshaped caregiving responsibilities 🌍⚖️
✅ Strategies for balancing self-care while supporting others 💆‍♀️✨
✅ Why setting boundaries is essential for long-term resilience 🚧🛡️
✅ The power of a strong support system and community 🤝❤️

Learn more about Tara Ross:

Born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area, Tara Ross split time between Marin County and the Haight-Ashbury district following their parents’ divorce. Growing up in a creative household, they were drawn to the arts, ultimately choosing graphic design as a career path.

In 2006, while attending community college, Tara met John. After a year of dating, he made the life-changing decision to join the Navy, enlisting in the Submarine Service—a choice that initially seemed to offer a sense of security from the dangers of military life. With a grandfather and uncle who had served, Tara was no stranger to the physical and emotional toll the military could take on both service members and their families.

The couple married in 2008, embarking on a journey that took them from Groton, Connecticut, to San Diego, California, where they built their life together amid the challenges and sacrifices of military service.

Social Media: 

• Website: https://www.thecaregiverdoula.care/
• Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thecaregiverdoula
• LinkedIn:  www.linkedin.com/in/tara-ross-ba220066
• Books/E-Book/Resource: How To Ask For Help - Free Sheets

Free Care Sheets To Share With Viewers

👉 If you’re a caregiver, a military spouse, or someone looking for inspiration in the face of adversity, this episode offers practical str

Transcript

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Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad, and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Now, let's jump right in to today's guest confession. I really wanna bust it. Right before we started recording, we were actually hitting each other. It was like a sister slap. Do you think it was a slap? Because people think that's impressive. no, it was like a f***. Now about her. didn't mean be sorry. That was terrible. Hey, so we were telling our guest who is awesome. This is true. We were telling her about us recording in the studio because now we're recording of course at PBS. Together. Together, together forever. I didn't sing in the first one. I can't, I don't know the words for that first part. All my life. Okay moving on. Okay. All right well we got to sing. There we go. Me and Stevie next. No, that was a partridge man. Mm-mm. No. If a guest knows who that was, please text Natalie. Yeah, please. All right, so anyway, we're here to talk about caregiving. That is exactly right. That is the purpose of our podcast. What a novel idea. I know. I am so excited because we have Tara with us and she, I've met her, gosh, it's been like months ago and we've been wanting to get her on here and it's perfect because now she gets to record in the PBS studios. And the guests are going to absolutely, this falls under relate, educate, inspire, laugh. We're gonna hit every one of them today. I can feel it. Tell everybody about Tara. Tara, I'm super excited, get ready. Because you got a great bio, I just love reading these. I'm like, what? So today we have with us Tara Ross. She grew up in the San Francisco Bay area. She met her husband John while in community college. He joined the Navy submarine service shortly, I believe shortly after that. And she thought safe, he's safe, no harm. I mean he's underwater, nobody can see him. Yes, that is correct, But everything changed in 2011 when John suffered a traumatic brain injury during a dive training, the training accident that would reshape their lives forever. What started as complaints of pain evolved into a maze of misdiagnoses. And I know that's the case for a lot of people not getting the correct answer. She learned that caregiving is often about being a detective and a lawyer, as much as it is a nurse. of the 40 job descriptions from being a caregiver. really liked that because I hadn't heard of being a lawyer or a detective. Those are very accurate job descriptions. for giving. The real education also came in healthcare advocacy. We know that's a huge part. Caregiver burnout, caregiver burnout hit her hard. She's open to share that. But her organizational skills, she's got some documents. we got some resources. Her organizational systems helped create boundaries, allowing her to maintain a sense of identity beyond caregiving as a wife, a mother, and an individual. There was a turning point, and I love that this started with John. It started with the person that she cares for. It started with her husband. When they welcomed their second child in 2019, though, the story goes on because they moved to Ohio. She's got so much stuff. You gotta get started. water in Ohio for sure. Life changed, man. And this is a thing. mean, caregiving evolved. But I'm not even gonna give it away because I want Tara to give it. Thank you for being with us. We'll see you've got some golf vaccine. Yay! Thank you. Thank you for having me. Okay, so really excited to have you here to talk about your story because your caregiving experience has definitely ebbed and flowed and it's gone in lots of different directions. And then what you did with it is definitely different. I don't think people are gonna expect the end, right? I don't know that they will expect what happened at the end. And you're smiling, you're like. Nope. I don't know. It'll be interesting. Right? Because everybody's like, what happens? I'm like, you're going to have to wait. And so why don't you set us up? You're a California girl. I love that. You look, you're beautiful like California. It's true. Like if you're not watching on YouTube, turn it on. And so that way you can be like, she's pretty. And I'm like, I know, right? And so talk about, kind of bring us up. So give me a background about what your childhood was. Kind of feel like bring us up to that piece. And then. Get us up to community college, you meet John, et cetera, and then when care starts. So give us some back. Yeah, so I born in the Bay Area I grew up in San Francisco and also in Marin County So I'd go over the Golden Gate Bridge a lot parents Are divorced but still really good friends. I'm happy and thankful for that. That's newest and yes, absolutely. Were you an under-town? I am how oh my god. You're an only child. That's important. It is It is important. is. Yes, because my caregiver journey is not over. So, yeah, yeah, so I got lived kind of all around, have family all around the Bay Area. And at a point I was living in a small little town in Pacifica. And that's where I met John. And yes, was working at a... We're gonna go to a coffee shop and he just came in and I thought he was really cute. Yeah, and you know, we did the little like, can I get your number? And I played, you know, coy and that funny stuff, you know, that's so stupid. Yeah, right. Yeah, it really is. I've never done that again. But yeah, so yeah, we met, we fell in love and he was like, I, you know, this isn't enough for me. And, you know, I've have a history of my family being in the military and I have family as well. My grandfather served. I had an uncle that served as well. And he's like, I really want to join. And I was like, what? Like, would you do that? And he was like, no, it's going to be fun. I'm going to be in submarines. And I was like, OK, well, yeah, that sounds safe. And OK. End. and so let me ask you, I've got to be interrupting cow here. Yeah, so you were in community college, both of you guys in community college. No, he was not. He was working with his brother and just kind of doing job to job and just wasn't finding something that really suited him. there's an eight year gap between us both. And so he'd been kind of searching and not really found the landing place. And you were in community college and you were working. And so you guys started dating. How far into the dating process did he say, I think I'm gonna join the Navy? so he got you on that one. We can all fake it for the first six months, but then once you're after six months, you feel like you're really into it. Yeah, pretty much, was like, damn it, I guess we gotta do this with him. I guess we're boot camp together, getting all the things. So so then you start and is there any requirements because this is this is the fun part of our episode is are there any requirements you have to like watch Top Gun do you are there any specific movies that really get you into the military mindset before you get in because you're total civilians like there's us There's not, well yeah, there's not many submarine movies. Red October. And it's like real tense, so the only one I guess I had reference to was Down Periscope, which is like a nice funny, wholesome, know, serious. be was like, oh, it looks so much fun on the call to these characters. they're all smart. And yeah, I when submarines get involved, it's either you don't hear about it or it's a big deal. it's in 2008 when he joined. So yes, it was still intense at that time, but it was just different. And then, of course, we were worrying about the economy at that point. The truth, that was before the economy crashed in 2009. Yeah, so I mean there was talk about it and there was know, intense and fear and all that stuff So it was kind of like yeah, let's do this for some type of security and some guidance and so Yeah, so he joined and I followed him to Groton, Connecticut And I was still I mean I knew what I wanted to do as a career I want to be a graphic designer so and because I did community college I had some credits and I was like, okay Well, I have some credits and you know I have the ability to follow him since I don't have a full-time career or anything And then we can, you I can go to college wherever he goes and, know, we'll figure it out. And so we did that journey together and we were fortunate enough to come back to San Diego or California because there are that many bases when it comes to submarines. our options are limited. And of course, during that time, since there were budget cuts and we were married at that time, we couldn't do something fun like Hawaii or Italy yet. That's a dumbass. How about guys put on the marriage and be like, it's a really big, big, big, big, big, big, Yes, I would have done that. We would have done that for sure. were in it. So, yeah, so, you know, at that point, we're like, OK, we're going to get some dogs and we're going to go to San Diego. And so we did that. yeah, submarine life was very interesting at the time, too. It was still all men. don't know how many women are in submarines, but that was a big conversation while he was serving. so, you know. the ombudsman and all the family behind were all women and children. And so, you I found a bond with them. And, you know, when they would go underway for six months, you know, we were able to gather together and talk and, you know, somewhat have a life without them. And I think really in general, I think that's kind of where my caregiving really started was being a Navy wife, you know, being there to hold down the house while he's gone and help with when he comes home to make sure that the house is calm, that he can sleep, you know, because our hours are crazy to help him get his bag together to, you know, do those things. It's that you said that. It's the first time I've heard of it in the sense of put it like that, like, I think my caregiving began because you cared for him. And some people would say, you well, you cared as a wife, but I would, I would kind of argue with you that you were for him to make sure that he was where he needed to be to serve. Yeah, yeah, no, I believe that. mean, I don't remember the book and I meant to research it, but there was a book that was given to me while he was in studying in Groton, Connecticut about like, what a Navy wife kind of should do, what to expect, who to talk to, know, like learning about the ombudsman and all that stuff. So was like a great kind of how to kind of in a weird way for better or for worse, honestly. I that. It really kind of like set the stage of like what to expect, especially coming from a hippie background. you you might want to say, you know, an anti-military. It wasn't for me, but I mean, you know, they're known for not being very military friendly to some extent. Because we're all peace loving, peace loving and peace love. Yeah, I the other one. got to go after, but yeah, peace love. Okay, so you guys, so it sounds like, you know, life, you've settled in. You've settled into military life, you're back in Cali, and then what happens? So, you know, life is pretty good and he wants to do more and I am there to support him. And so he wants to be a diver on submarine. So that means more school and more training. And so, and a lot of exercising and a lot of long hours. And there was one day where he came home and he just wasn't in a lot of more pain. And he told me that he was doing some training. with some other divers, they had to like hold these cinder blocks and do all these kind of like Navy Seal type stuff, because that's, you they have to get their body ready for that. And he was helping one of his sailors, I guess he'd fallen or something, and he had to like help pick them up and help hold the cinder blocks. They all had to like, you know, do this obstacle course and have all the things with them at the end. And I guess at some point he had tripped and fall and the cinder block fell on his head. fell down and he was complaining at the time about his hips. So, you know, we went home. I just thought maybe he just needed to just relax and recover and the pain didn't really go away. And so we had to take him to the doctors and they said it was a hernia. Hmm. And so they were like, okay, we're going to set you up for surgery. We're going to get you an ultrasound. You know, let's, let's get this started. And then when they did the ultrasound, they're like, we don't see anything. And we were like, what do you mean you don't see anything? And you know, they're like, you know, poking and prodding. And then the, son was like, yeah, we're not doing surgery because it's not that. So you need to go get an MRI and we'll see you later. And, long story short with that. he had a hip, they called it bilateral hip arthritis. But basically just the bones were, guess, they weren't, know, ball and socket were not working correctly. and then there was some back spine problems in his lower back as well. at that point, He's a tall guy, isn't he? Yes, he's 6'3", total sense to me when you said, I think I want to go on a submarine. I don't really think of 6'3". I think of like 5'6'' and shorter. It's kind of tight quarters in the submarine. They do. They do. I was fortunate enough to visit his sub so I could see how small it was and how often he would have to bend down. And mean, and sometimes he would come home with scars on his head from scraping it and hitting it. So I think that also played a factor. And there's other couple of times where he would hit his head and normally they would just give him, you know, some Tylenol or something and just call it a day. I really don't know why. I mean, I'm sure that there's a limit on height, but it really should be. smaller because like he's not the only one that would have hip and back pains after their service in submarines. But I also understand that you know because of their special skills that you know they kind of have to be okay with anybody who wants to do it so. No, it is. And hold on one second, Tara, because this is a perfect place to take a break. Well, already then. I mean, because right now, where we left off is it will be the hip issues and the back issues. So we'll be right back and then we'll come right back in because there's more. right, everybody. are back here with Tara Ross. now we have started. she has, you've been a caregiver because you've taken care of your husband. You're a military spouse. You got a book. They gave you a book and everything. So in your, in your, in the bio and the caregiving story, you started talking about this path that you got on. There's, there's loads of misdiagnosis. There's this path. You become a lawyer, a detective, all kinds of stuff. Let's talk about that and what's going on with you. Are you? So first of all, during this time, are you stay at home? you where are you at personally? I was in college. OK. So while he once he got his orders to have a boat and they knew we were going to be there for a couple of years, I think this is perfect time for me to finish up school. So I went and went to Art Institute California, San Diego, and I got my degree there. So it was kind of perfect. So yeah. So while he was. doing his thing underwater, I was going to school and we had two dogs so I was taking care of them. I'm fortunate enough that I didn't have to work. it just allowed me to be full time. so that was really great. Yeah. So how did this whole, how did this unfold? No hernia, we find out about the arthritis. How does this really start to unfold in this? going into caregiving. It just, it made me realize that all of our ideas of what we were planning to do in the future weren't going to happen. You know, we didn't, we, you know, we, at the time he was getting ready to re-enlist again because his contract was up. So we were talking about, well, you know, how long do we want to stay and all of these things. And so, you know, the plan was, I think, to do another four or five years. I don't remember how it is for him, but. That was going to be the plan. And then once he got hurt, it's like, OK, we're not doing that. OK, now what are we going to do? OK. You know, and also like, where's your health at? Like, do you think that like you're going be able to work after this? Or like, what does that look like? What does you know, you know, then we had to go through the whole process of like, what does it look like to be medically discharged from the military and what's percentages and like, like learning all of that kind of stuff that, you know, we had no idea because this wasn't part of the plan, you know, so. So it was the plan to be a lifer. I don't know. Honestly, I don't know. I think a little bit, but it kind of just we were going to do just kind of a play by play like every every time it's due to contract, like let's let's kind of talk about it. Let's let's figure out where we are in life. Let's see if we have kids at that point. Let's see how we're feeling. Are we are we burnt out? Are we leveling up? Are we going to the places that we want to do? Is it serving us? So I think that was kind of the idea. Just kind of wing it. I respect that. Yeah, yeah. I think he really wanted to be a lifer though, but I think he really enjoyed the camaraderie and the excitement and all of those things. So I think maybe to some extent he probably would have. So what happens here? So what happens that really pushes you in? Because I hear you saying, you're like, what are we going to do? Like, you all are in this place where you have to make a decision. Re-up with an injury and or exit. And what does an exit look like? Yeah, we had to ask a lot of questions. We had to talk to a lot of people both in the medical field of the military as well as like JAGS and all the people that are involved with military exiting out. There's actually a lot of classes that go involved in that, whether it's medical discharge or just regular discharge of getting military ready for that. And so we took those classes. did just a lot of talking of like, what does that look like and where are we going to be? And because I was graduating as he was getting out, I was like, okay, well, now it's my turn. Now I get to do my part. that didn't really happen because then I got pregnant. That was our first child. I was like, okay. And then that threw a wrench in the thing as well. Because then it's like, okay, now we have a child that we got to take care of. what is insurance going to look like? And what is school going to look like? we're at the... You know, we did a lot of talking, we followed our plan and we got out and we were able to move back up north to where my family's at. then the next thing happened. Then we had to deal with the VA, basically. So then we went through that whole process, talking to the DAV, talking to Champ VA, getting things service-connected because when you exit... they do an evaluation and they give you a percentage. And that part is pretty important. I mean that in the sense that once you leave, it sometimes can be very hard to have the VA acknowledge certain disabilities and then be service-connected. So it's really important that during the exit part, or even just while you're still in the military, just say things. Say you have a headache. Say your back hurts. Just have it the medical records because... later on you might find that that is important to a diagnosis in the future. yeah, there's a lot of battling with the VA to get things service connected. especially when it comes to things like TB and PTSD, there's a lot of symptoms that are very similar. And at that time, 2012, 13, You know, was talks about CTE, there's talks about, you know, specifically football players and brain injuries, like Junior Seau. And that kind of opened my eyes and his eyes as well as to the symptoms that he's having and how it could be affecting him. So we really had to battle a lot with TBI. So what the diagnosis or was this you saw a lot of symptoms you're talking to the doctors as you guys are starting to transition out to say hey these are things that are actively going on that need to be resolved and they're just like we don't see it. Yeah, well, it was just based on the pain that he was having, you know, in his hips and his lower back. That was where, you know, they could see it in the x-rays. That's where, you know, a lot of his pain that he could talk about and, you verbally have a conversation about was from there. I mean, it's hard to talk about your brain and what's happening mentally if you can't really be aware of it because there's no physical currently, as far as I know, x-rays or MRIs that you can kind of see that stuff right now. So... to talk about it and to acknowledge it can be really hard and for them to, for the VA to acknowledge it as well. So that's where I really had to, again, be that detective, be that kind of lawyer and talk about, or give the evidence, because that's what they want. I mean, as much as I can yell and scream about, know, he can't sleep and all of these things that I'm experiencing as a caregiver. If there's not evidence, it's hard for them to believe it. So I had to create a system for myself to... stay calm to kind of take my emotions out of it and kind of think like they're thinking in the sense of like what we know, evidence do we need? And then with that came, you know, a lot of trial and error. mean, you know, opioids were the new craze as far as dealing with pain. so, you know, we were trying to figure out how to not only with medicine, but, you know, water aerobics and all of these other, you know, different... programs that we could try and get him feeling more independent, you for me more like the man I knew before this. And in some aspects it was working, but in a lot of aspects it wasn't. And at his worst, he was like 350 pounds, 315 pounds and on 40 pills a day. And it... was just too much. During that journey, I found myself missing medications, forgetting to call, trying to figure out diets, trying to get him outside, trying to get him to do groceries with me. I found myself being hypervigilant. I found myself having CPTSD where I would be worried before something would happen. I'd be worried, you know, when we go to restaurant or be in line and be worried that somebody's too close to him. And that was just not good for my health. It wasn't good for him. We were arguing about things that, I don't want say weren't necessary, but it was just, it was clearly built up. And, you know, a lot of animosity and not feeling like he was providing, I think, in the way that he wanted to, even though he absolutely was, but I know it wasn't the way he wanted to show up. So allowing him to make decisions and show up in the way that he wanted to was really hard, I think, for me to allow that as well as for him to provide that in the way that he wanted to. And yeah, at its worst, he was like, I can't do this anymore. This isn't working. And I said, OK, well, what do you want to do? And he said, I want to get off the pills. And I kind of want to start all over again. He got off of everything and that was a mess. Saying, like this, yeah, was really rough. It was a different kind of rough. Watching him detox and learning about what that looks like, how to keep him safe. Because he was so determined, you he wanted to go like straight up cold turkey. I'm like, that's not a good idea. You know, like you, we need to talk to the doctor about this. Like, I know you don't feel comfortable. because he felt like they weren't helping him and getting him to trust and say, you know, let's do this slowly. Let's cut it in half. Don't cook cold turkey because that's not going to be good for your body. And yeah, going through that journey. And he came out amazing physically, mentally, obviously, the things were still a problem as well as his hips and back. And of course, because he's so young, he didn't want to do surgery, which is absolutely fine. You know, a lot of surgery doctors saying, you know, to get hip surgery, that because he's so young, they weren't sure if his, the material would last long enough for the rest of his life. So, you know, he wanted to go as natural as possible and I supported him on that. So during this process, were you still living in California? Was this before you guys moved to Ohio? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he was he was feeling so much better. He was able to walk without a wheelchair. You know, obviously the mental things were still there, but he was physically looking like, if not better in some ways than he did prior to being in military. So there was so that was really great. And that's when we had our second baby. So flashback for just one second. So I just want to. I'm like, okay, so all this is going on. I'm like, I hear you, I'm hyper vigilant about food and I'm doing all this. So you really are caring because you already have one child and you're really taking care of this husband. Like, and I hear about medications and we deal with that with our mom, all these medications and the impact of that. He says, I'm going to get clean. I just want all to come off all this. Was there ever like a time, like tell me about your emotions during this, because that is a lot. This husband that you married is totally a different person. off of your plan for life. Was there ever a point when you were like, I'm done too, I'm leaving, like I'm out, I'm checking out of this because you mentioned caregiver burnouts. Like, did you get to that, I'm fraud, I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't know if I ever said I can't do it anymore because I, that was just not an option I guess. As long as he wanted to keep doing this, I want to keep doing this. So. I think there were just times where I had talked to the caregiver coordinator because I was a part of the caregiver coordinator program. So that was great, amazing really, to have a nurse come to the home every three or four months, see how we're doing. And then I would get kind of, that would be like my me time where I would talk about my things. So there would be times where a story that, because we had two dogs, because my husband at that time was still not doing well. And of course we had a toddler at that time. We were living in apartment so that meant walking the dogs and picking up their poop. Teaching a toddler how to potty train. And then he was having a hard time in the bathroom so having to help him in the bathroom. And I was like, I am so tired of dealing with poop right now. Like I can't do this anymore. Like I can't be in the bathroom anymore. can't, like the smell, I was like I can't. I can't do any of it anymore. Normally I'd be fine, but these past two weeks I'm going crazy. Tara, you're a small person. You're helping, and I can tell you're small in stature. How tall are you? You're 5'3". Your husband's 6'3". So you're a full head under the armpit. And so you're helping him because you're sitting there talking about it. It's almost like high-level skim the surface like you're working with him I'm assuming because I didn't realize he was in a wheelchair at one point and then you need I'm assuming he's needing assistance with his what we call activities of daily living so you know bathing and making sure he's got all of these food because he's in a place that he is just because you said 40 pills over 300 pounds I'm sure he wasn't 300 when he went in and I didn't think so I figured he was kind of sinewy and so You have all these side effects and so you're really, your sole job feels like taking care of everyone. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, that's accurate. Yeah. Were you taking care of yourself? No, I was, but my thoughts at that time were if they are okay, I'm okay. Once they're not okay, then I'm not okay. So that's where I based my regulation on. If he was cool, if he was sleeping, if he was happy, then that let me know that I could do the same. Wow. That's the truth. By the way, you're not supposed to do that. You're supposed to be the thermostat. need to be him as opposed to he regulating you. If you think about it. So I am going to take a quick break because we're at a really good break point and then we're going to keep going. There is more. We'll right back. Alrighty, everybody, we are back here with Tara Ross and we've hit another point. love... I know. 2019, you just had a second child, right? Yeah, yeah. Yep, we, in May 2019. And... A Johnist detox, he's doing a little better physically. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, he's moving, he's grooving, he's enjoying things. without me and you know making decisions and all of those things are great and he wants to start you know communicating more with other people he calls his mom says hey how's everything you know I want to come visit because we haven't seen them in like over a decade you know they'd come see us we never went out there and he got some news that you know after a year or two of surgery back surgery for his father that the recovery process is not going as planned and that Obviously it was a trigger and it hit home because he had been dealing with the same with his own back and hip issues. And he was like, we need to go home. And I said, So with it. The Talley Girl moves to Ohio with a bunch of things. Yeah, yeah. I mean, had some experience with snow in Connecticut, but yeah, different. So yeah, so we moved in. Originally, it was just supposed to be, hey, we're going to be here for the summer. We got there and it was a lot worse than we expected. And we decided we're going to maybe stay for the year. But then, because it's 2019, so it happened. my gosh. So let me ask you this. So you've got two kids, two dogs, a husband that's on the mend. you saw, it sounds like you thought I'm transitioning out of caregiving, which I'm sure you didn't recognize yourself as a caregiver. You're just being the everything and you're like an everything bagel. You know, you're going to love it. Exactly. And so of course we love it. And so, cause it's everything. But you go into a situation and you're like, caregiver antenna, I'm assuming is like, oh, we got a caregiving mess over here. We're gonna have to these people straight. Yep. So then, and you guys are like, okay, it feels like a Gilligan's Island. I'm like, we thought it was a three day stint. are marooned. We are marooned on this one. So, okay, so what happens? So you guys make the decision to say we're gonna stay longer. The longer turns into COVID. So What's going on at this time? Are you taking the lead in caregiving for his father at this point? Because he's got dad has wife. Yeah, and she was still working at the time and she's a hairdresser and also like not that they're ever gonna listen to this but I mean he has brothers and there's a good amount of family there but they were all doing their own thing. Right. You we were in, we had an opportunity to help in a way that others couldn't or maybe didn't or whatever but like we had an opportunity to be like look we can move, other people cannot move, we have... some income coming in where we can live with them if we need to and help out in any way that we can. So, you we're gonna take that opportunity. you know, it was nice to be around his family, because again, I never really did that. So to have such a big family with brothers, which is not something I'm used to because I'm the only child, and all these cousins and to be called, you know, Auntie and all that, you know, it was great. yeah, so when we got there and we realized it was a lot worse, like, yeah, we need to stay. And we said it nicely, because I don't think that they wanted to hear the baby of the family coming in and being like, we're taking over. So I kind of let him take the lead. It's his family, his parents. this was really my first time spending as much time as I did with them and learning them as people. So yeah, I let him take the lead on it. I just, because what was in the background, cleaning. doing I mean doing the other things. Yeah, I'll that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do, do you need a drive? Where are we going? What do you want to do? Yeah, I mean, and obviously because it was COVID time, it was very, very stressful. And now we were in a multi-generational home where, you know, I had one kid going to school. I had a, you know, one or two year old and then some elderly people. we, I became very, very hypervigilant at that point, making sure that everybody was safe, knowing what COVID was. Not knowing how it affected people, how it would affect them. So I really myself shut myself in. know, everybody else had their own priorities, but I knew that I could stay in because I didn't have a job outside of the home. And you know, the mother-in-law still needed to work and my husband still wanted to go to the gym. So those were like our one thing outs. I would go to the grocery store. That was my one thing out. But I mean, you know, I really, I really shut myself in and that. did not work in my favor as the father-in-law's health was getting worse. He had fallen while we were living there. again, thank goodness that we were there because I don't think anybody else would have heard it. him falling caused a ripple effect of other health concerns happening. And as much as we did our best to make sure that he was happy and healthy, he did pass away. Again, happy to have been there for the mother-in-law at the time, because I don't know if she could have handled working and taking care of her husband in the way that she wanted to. And then a couple months after he had passed, her cancer came back. She had kidney cancer. And she'd been complaining of back pain. prior to all of the, know, to us being there and not realizing that that was actually a sign for her cancer coming back. So it had gone up her spine and up to her brain. And, you know, at that point, again, being an observer and not having siblings, but to do understanding the patriarchy and the matriarchy of families, things really fell apart when the father died and all the brothers, all the sons. felt like they needed to step up in ways that did or did not work. And there's a lot of... curiosity, we'll say, as to why we were there. Because I don't know if the mother-in-law made it clear why we were there. You know, we had said maybe with some financial things, and that's not necessarily a lie. Because living with parents, you get to save money, right? they made it seem as though we were there for something else. things got real weird. And because the dynamics and relationships aren't all that great, as well as other things. John didn't want to do it anymore. And what I mean by that is like, he didn't want to be in his mom's house. He didn't necessarily care for me at that point or his kids. And so he just kind of left. Let me ask you this. So John left. He's in the middle of this turmoil. Really? I mean, what you're describing after the patriarch kind of passes, or the matriarch, doesn't matter. It happened, right? Did you see, was John pulling away? Was it completely a surprise to you? Was it? I mean we had obviously had discussions about what was happening and how people were reacting and how we were going to react but it seemed as though at the end of the day John and his mom were not on the same page and that's what needed to happen for this to continue on and I don't believe that His mom was being honest about herself. I mean then again, that's kind of where my care She's really came into play when I was caring for her because after he left I was still in the home. So I was caring for her as well as trying to care for myself and the kids and the dogs. He checks out. This is the most interesting part. I don't think we've ever heard anything like this in the sense of you're caring for non-related family members. And because she still has cancer, right? Yeah, mean, and it was, yeah, I mean, she was going through it. I mean, she was doing chemo. She was having some other issues and, you know, she had to get a colostomy bag. And, so I was helping to take care of the home. and I mean, I had our, had our own two dogs, but she also had three dogs of her own. you know, I was helping to take care of the dogs in the home. One, when an emergency happened, I would contact one of the brothers and let them know so that they can share it with the rest of the family. But yeah, I mean, I was, I... I was in the home, taking care of the home while she was gone. So, and recovering. And yeah, it was just hard because yeah, they weren't on the same page and come to find out later. Family history, family trauma, all the things that I did. Magical trauma just comes up, shows its ugly face, and it really tries to tear everything apart. So let me ask you this. John's gone. Yosemite's somewhere around town, but he's gone. And you're caregiving for your mother-in-law. And what are you thinking? Like, honestly, are you thinking like, what in the heck am I doing here? Should you go back to California and be like, respectfully screw this, I'm just, done with this, it's not my responsibility? Because I don't know the answer to that. I'm like, because I would want to be like, I'm done taking care of everybody at this point, I'm gonna go take care of myself, I'm gonna roll my kids and my pups and go back to Cali. Yeah, mean, I all of those things are probably thoughts that I had. mean, I think because I had been a caregiver for eight years, I didn't know anything else to do. I never got to have my graphic design career that I wanted. You know, I had been a caregiver for so long and created all these sheets and figuring out how to advocate and how to communicate that it was it felt like not doing that felt weird, which I think is why I was pushing so hard to not pushing hard, but I was agreeing to move. to Ohio and help because I knew that I had the tools and the skills to do it even with a one month old. familiar, it's comfortable, even though it's a crappy job. Like, literally. yeah, yeah, yeah, literally, yeah. So, yeah, but I knew that I had the skills, I knew I could do it, and so I was like, yeah, let's do it. And I knew it wasn't forever, and that was never the goal. We weren't planning on living in Ohio. I we kind of talked about it for a while once COVID happened. Like, maybe this isn't so bad. But the plan was always to go back to California. The plan was not to, you know, live at his parents' house forever with two kids and two dogs, you know? So, yeah, so, you know, yeah, when he left, I didn't know. I mean, it was very abrupt. There was, I guess, an argument prior to him leaving, but mostly it was just, I don't feel comfortable. So I had actually left first. I left first. I was like, I need to take a break. So I left with the girls for a weekend. I came back and he was gone. And then he kind of just never came back. So and I was waiting, you know, I knew You know, I did some research and understood that I can't leave with two kids and be married I know that I have to get divorced if I want to go anywhere outside of Ohio So I I had to go through the process of getting divorced in Ohio Because I knew that if I left and he found out and he wanted to do something he could call the police on me Yeah, so So I so I knew I had to get a divorce And so I went through the process and that took about a year-ish to do that. I was hoping he would call. was hoping he would say something. I didn't find out that I wasn't a caregiver through him. I found out through the program. They're like, hey, just to let you know, your veteran says you're not a caregiver anymore, or not caring for him anymore. He doesn't want your care anymore. So you got one or two months left, and then we're going to have to Shut you down. Yeah, so I mean like those were the ways I found out that things were happening. There were never actual conversations with John about any of that. and to me for him to do that let me know that like he doesn't he really doesn't want to do this anymore. Like you know like again you know relationships you have arguments you might need to take a break. Yeah. But when you start doing actions like that it kind of felt like okay this is this is real. So there was a realization of like okay I'm I'm really not only not his caregiver which I was already kind of ebbing and flowing through already. that's like, okay, now I'm really not. And then, caring for his mother was obviously difficult. but again, rewarding because I knew that I was helping her. I knew I was helping her stay at home. I knew I was giving her an opportunity to, yeah, stay at home and be with her dogs. And, you know, she retired during that time and, yeah, she got to go to doctor's appointments and I couldn't go because I had kids. And of course, COVID was still. a big thing at that time. So going to cancer, doctor's appointments I couldn't do and I don't think she wanted me there, but my sheets came in really handy in making sure that she was advocating, that she was being honest. She's an amazingly charming woman and she is really good at saying everything's fine when it's not. And she's not the best at always advocating for herself. I mean, obviously the, you know, because she was doing chemotherapy, she... had to really pay attention to her weight and we would do protein shakes and all that kind of stuff. And she would say, yeah, I'm doing it. yeah, I'm doing it. And the weights are not going to lie. So she can say, yes, I'm doing the things, but the weights aren't going to lie. so again, the, I would give the sheets to her brother who would take her to the doctor's appointment. So when she would say she would do things and the doctor would open up the book of. the daily tasks that I was writing down, what she was eating, if she was exercising, if she was, you know, she couldn't lie. So, and I don't think she appreciated that, but my intent was obviously not to make her look like a liar. My intent was to make sure that the doctors had the right data to. Yeah. So, so yeah. then, you know, because of her not wanting to be honest about our relationship or things like that. things were getting weird with us, which is understandable. I'm the outcast. I'm not her child. And so once I kind of got the papers that we were officially divorced, which was done by proxy, meaning he wasn't there, I took it upon myself to go home for the holidays and then not come back. So I had to like... Yeah. EEEEF everything there because I didn't I just didn't feel safe I didn't really have any of my family there so yeah it was really tough but Yeah, so I mean, but I mean, and I think I didn't mention to you, I mean, during that time of caring for all those people, because at some point I was caring for. Five people, four dogs. I had a panic attack. I like I really lost it. The burnout was really, really bad. I knew that John knew that. And I don't think he knew how to handle that. He was a really great provider, always a great provider. But I don't think he knew how to handle me when I needed it. I've always been healthy. But at that point, I was not. physically, mentally, I had like a cyst on my back. I had to start going to doctor's appointments regularly. And I don't think he knew how to handle that and kind of, I don't want to say switch roles, but just take on more of my burden in the way that I needed him to. And so, yeah, I don't think he can handle it. So that's, think, kind of the reason why he left. You'll have to ask him, I don't know. But I realized that one of the things that really kept me, okay and keep going, where are those care sheets? It really allowed me to separate my emotions from the facts. I was able to fact check. There could be no arguing when I can show the sheets, right? We can't argue about when you last ate if I wrote it down. We can't argue about why you threw up when I can look at when these things are happening or why you're dehydrated when you haven't been drinking water. Yeah. know, like there could be no arguments when it comes to those things. And I think that when also you're dealing with a big family and they aren't always present and they come and see your loved one and they're not doing well and then they want to come to you and say, hey, why aren't you doing your job? You could say, look, these are all the things I'm doing. These are all the things I'm seeing. I can't make her eat. I'm not, you know, there's a boundary you have to have as caregivers of letting them do what they want. but also advocating for them. sometimes that doesn't always work out. having those sheets is really important, not just for the military world, but also the civilian world when it comes to making sure that things are documented correctly. remember somebody saying, you have it written down, if you don't have it written down, it didn't happen. And if you have it written down, it's as good as gold. I try to live by that, with myself, with my kids. It really does make a difference to have that document. There's no arguing, I have it. You know what I mean? Like this really did happen, you know? So I wanna say that Tara has shared this information with these sheets, which are, yeah, they're gold, like she said. we wanna make sure they're gonna have links from the show notes. Tara, I know that we're short on time, but I wanna ask. You had a lot go on with this, like your journey and it continues to go on. Tell me, tell me where you are today. I am still recovering. Definitely. I'm still recovering from the burnout. I've been in a fight or flight, I think for so long that I don't know what it's like to feel calm and that feels uncomfortable. And definitely taking care of myself more. And I, yeah, I think those are the big priorities right now. And then obviously doing this, finding other caregivers and helping them avoid what I've experienced and feeling not validated by the things that they're doing and having them advocate better for not just their loved ones, but mostly themselves. I think that's who I care about most. And that's why I call myself the caregiver doula. I want to care for the caregivers. You know, I think, because I know we've got, we're at question time, because we're a little over, but that's okay. You wrote in some information that you sent us. This was so meaningful to me. Two things, the transformation gave me back something we'd lost, which, and with that also came a true awareness of my self-neglect, even through, Even though I was successful as a caregiver, I forgot how to care for myself. And the most vital lesson from my caregiving journey wasn't about how to give better care. It was about the importance of maintaining my own identity and boundaries while caring for others. Yeah, there's that whole making sure that you put on your face mask before you put on anybody else's and being the example of what you want to see. It's easy to tell somebody else, make sure you're drinking your water, but if you're not doing the same, how are you setting a good example of what that's supposed to look like? I love this, just so grateful for your story because that's what I said at the beginning. mean, nobody expects it to end this way. And the reality is it's just a chapter. So you've taken this and you have said, I'm gonna take back my control. I'm gonna take back, this is my form of self care and I'm gonna help other people because you are a natural born caregiver. You didn't know it? I am. but you are and you were trained and you got your stripes and you've done all the things. And so I want to do a quick lightning round and say, because you say in here, through my caregiving journey, I discovered three game changing strategies that transformed my experience. What are those three game changing strategies? So the, sheets, data-driven organization. I highly believe in that. feel like if you have the data, you're, you can see the patterns. You can see if it's medication, can see if it's, you know, food, it's activities, especially dealing with PTSD and TBI. It's really important to know what the triggers are so that you can either avoid them or handle them a lot better. Another one would be doing energy checks, energy management. It's really important to see who is filling into you and where you're putting out your energy so that you can better organize that and have better balance. And then the other one is team building, having a big care team and knowing who they are, having their phone numbers. knowing how they can help you. And it could be the tiniest things. It doesn't have to be major. Sometimes it's just coming over to watch a movie. Sometimes it's helping somebody to mow the lawn. Sometimes it could be bigger like groceries. But just having a care team who you can talk to about what you're going through, who can help you. And again, a lot of these things are not just on the caregiver, which I think is really important. It's also whom you're caring for. They really need to also put a part in. that you're supposed to be a team. So they need to help advocate for themselves. They need to do their own energy checks. They need to call on their people too, not just the caregiver. yeah, I think those are both really important for the caregiver too. Yeah. I'm jumping right to my sister question. Do it. Okay. My sister question is a message that you would tell your girls. Oh, because they went through this too. Yeah. Um, I don't know. I've got such, I would give to my girls. Um, cause you're so positive. Like you've come through this and Natalie, know, she said, Hey, I don't know. Like you see, yeah. Yeah. I like a little tip, like something like. You just come through this, but I still think you, it's definitely not an end. You've taken this and turned it into something. Yeah, I I I talk to my girls about my experience, and obviously we're talking about their father. So I don't know. I hope that they continue to be amazing kids and be caring, but also don't forget about yourself. I mean, I think that's really important in general. So set your boundaries. with me which they have no problem doing. And I respect it so I just keep keep up keep keep keep that up. it. me it makes perfect sense you have girls. makes sense that you girls. You were meant for girls. Last question. Hit it. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? What is the one thing that you do for yourself just for you? that you just love. I know that you've asked this question and I've been thinking about it because there's really not one thing that I do just for me that doesn't involve everybody else. I know, I know. There's probably, there's a matcha KitKats. That's probably my guilty pleasure. I don't like sharing them, so I will hide those. Everything else I'm happy to share. Coffee, That's it. Matcha KitKats. If you hide them, that's totally yours. honestly, I'm not gonna lie to you, that's like the Swiss cake rolls, eating the outside. And I would hide the box from you, Because I wanna eat them all. And I support you. You know what, Tara, thank you so much for being here with us. This was amazing. Thank you for being so authentic and sharing this because I know that you had said before, you're like, there's so many great people on here and what am gonna share? Will it be meaningful? And my answer is yes. You're gonna tell your story and it's gonna be exactly what another person needed to hear it. Yeah, I hope that my story lets people know that, yeah, they're not alone and I really hope to help people's relationships. I think that's what it is. I don't want anybody to lose a relationship from caregiving. Because that's something, I mean, sometimes we lose the people that we care for, but not in this way, you know? Not like this. It wasn't meant to be this way. No, it shouldn't be, yeah. Guys, thanks so much for listening in. Until the next time, we will see you then. Until the next time, when we confess again. I'm just over here screwing it up. So until the next time when we confess again, we'll see you next time. Bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Thanks so much for listening in to the podcast. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the Confessions show. Don't forget, visit our website to sign up for our newsletter as well as connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Pinterest, and Twitter. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on the Confessions website and our YouTube channel. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. 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