Cultural Expectations in Caregiving: Family, Sacrifice, and Self-Care

"It's OK not to know everything." - Tracee Loran

In this heartfelt episode of Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver, hosts JJ, Natalie, and Tracee Loran dive into the unexpected twists and turns of caregiving. Tracy shares her deeply personal story of stepping into the caregiver role for her grandmother after a serious fall, shedding light on:

💡 Family dynamics & cultural expectations
💡 Balancing independence & caregiving responsibilities
💡 The emotional toll & career impact of caregiving
💡 Tips for self-care and preserving creativity as a caregiver

From navigating complex regulations to honoring her grandmother's rich history, Tracee opens up about the challenges, lessons, and growth that come with caregiving. She emphasizes the power of storytelling, the importance of self-care, and finding joy amidst the responsibilities.

Whether you're a caregiver, family member, or simply curious about the realities of caregiving, this episode offers valuable insights and inspiration.

About Tracee Loran:

Tracee Loran is a versatile actress, writer, producer, and content creator based in New York City.Her career took an unexpected turn when, during her first acting role, she was invited to join the writers room, which opened doors to numerous writing and production projects.

Tracee has appeared in national TV commercials for renowned brands such as HBO, FedEx, AT&T, Arby’s, and Sony. For the past six years, she has balanced her time between New York City and Mississippi, where she lovingly cared for her 97-year-old grandmother.

She is the creator of Black History Baddies, a celebrated video series with over 1.5 million views across social media. 

Tracee was inspired to create the series during her time in Mississippi after reading about Claudette Colvin, an unsung civil rights pioneer. The series spotlights the achievements of Black women trailblazers who deserve greater recognition. Tracee passionately amplifies these stories to empower and inspire.

In this one-woman show, Tracee takes on multiple roles: she writes, acts, directs, edits, researches, and handles cinematography and costume design—all on her own.

You can connect with Tracee on YouTube, TikTok, X, and Instagram under the handle Tracee

Loran or visit her website at www.traceeloran.com.

Social Media

Website: https://traceeloran.com/ 

Twitter: https://twitter.com/traceeloran 

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/traceeloran/ 

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/traceeloran 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/tracee-loran-2712896/ 

YouTube:

Transcript

0:00

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad, and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Now, let's jump right in to today's guest confession. Hey Jay. Hey Natalie. How are you doing? I'm fine, how are you? You seem a little like punchy. feel a little punchy. You know what, I think I'm hungry. Oh, well, I don't know what to tell you that because right now we're going to record a podcast with our bestie Tracy. You know, I heard though we're having dinner at your house tonight. This is what I love about recording with you and Jason, your husband, he's quite the chef. And this morning when he came in and said, hey, can I use this mixer? And because I want to make mashed potatoes, I was in. So if we have mashed potatoes at 2 30 in the afternoon, I'm fine with that. We don't have to wait. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's salmon, roasted broccoli, and mashed potatoes. You know, I have to tell you, this is not a cooking show, I just, when it comes to food, I'm all over it, Tracy. And my husband is a fantastic cook. Like, nobody will ever want to eat my food. I don't cook. And so when I asked Jason what was dinner, I was like, ooh, mashed potatoes. But you know, again, it's not a cooking show. It's not a cooking show. Let's talk about caregiving and let's talk about our amazing guest Tracy. Tracy's the bomb. She is the bomb. Let me just tell you that you weren't on our intro call. I could have talked Tracy. Let's just talk about that. So I will say this. How many times has a caregiving come up when people were not expecting it? Like were you expecting your caregiving experience? Absolutely not. I know it was like a hot mess. So Tracy is an actress, she's a writer, she's a producer and a content creator based in New She's in the big from the Big Apple. She's not from the big. No, but she's in the big. Okay, okay, okay. So but her career took an unexpected turn like a detour when her grandmother took a hard fall and was seriously injured right after her 90th birthday. You're gonna love this. fact that she's 90 and she's that's pretty awesome. She's 97 right now. Yes. This was after her 90th birthday. You're gonna love the grandmother though because I love her already. The doctor said she could no longer live alone. So what does this family do? get ready. Ready. Every six months Tracy leaves her home in New York City and she goes south, she's kind of like the geese, she goes south to Mississippi. I hope it's for the winter Tracy. I hope that you're going like you're like a snowbird. You're a snowbird to Mississippi. She goes south to Mississippi to take care of her grandmother and her and her mom have been doing this exchange, this exchange program, this exchange caregiver program for the last six years. So Tracy, you are here today to talk about this caregiving journey. I love your family when we talked about them. She's got a really cool background. I can't wait to hear about it. We should stop telling everybody. Tracy can tell us. I'm excited you're here. Yay! I'm excited to be with y'all. You're hilarious. You got me hungry. You talk about Brussels sprouts. I love Brussels sprouts. Girl, don't you love Brussels sprouts? Mashed potatoes? Brussels sprouts, they have a bad rep. People are sleeping on Brussels sprouts. I think we should go on a mission to improve the profile of Brussels sprouts. That's what I think. I would agree with that because I'm going to tell you, although it's broccoli, Brussels sprouts are actually my favorite, roasted. Now, I don't like them when they're cooked, like steamed, whatever, boiled or whatever, because they have this awful smell. I think that's where the reputation came And I think that's where the rep comes from. Like, our grandmother used to do that. Especially since we're talking about your grandmother, you know she a good Southern cook. I just can feel it. please. Your mama twice good? well, about seriously, I'm not even saying this because she's my grandma. like this woman in her cooking heyday, and she actually was cooking cooking up until about, I wanna say about maybe five years ago. This woman can throw down in the kitchen, like everyone wanted her dressing, everyone wanted everything, great, great, great, great cook. And so she has definitely passed on those skills. My mom's a cook, my But that's important. That's who we are, that's our history. And when we come together, we always come together around food. I love it. And caregiving. And caregiving. So I want to hear about this. I want to hear about childhood, about life, because eventually you have a career and then this caregiving thing that happens. But tell me about your family. It's cool. Give us the backstory. We want the backstory. want the good. It's taking forever. All right. The backstory. So my grandma, my grandparents were both born in Mississippi. And both of them at some point left Mississippi and moved to Chicago. But before that, my grandmother is from a very amazing family. Her father was the first black man in her town to acquire a loan from the bank to start a farm. And so he bought, yep, he bought over 135 acres of land and it was a hot mess. It was just barren and just gross. And he and my grandmother and her siblings and my great grandmother, they tilled and tilled and tilled and tilled until it just became this the most amazing and beautiful farm. So he was a farmer. He was a dairy farmer. He had cattle. had everything, everything. So beautiful. And so they were pretty much known in the town. And that's where my grandmother still is. So my grandmother and her siblings, they've all passed away. She's the last sibling, but like they're... their children and grandchildren. So we're all like on that land there. We're not farming anymore, but the land is still there and it's still beautiful and amazing. So at some point, like I said, my grandparents moved to Chicago. They met each other, had a family, bada bing, bada boom. I come along and I spent. And they stopped at that. And they stopped right there because I mean, after me, what else is there? That's exactly right. But yeah, so I just spent my childhood going to Mississippi anyway because my grandparents moved back to Mississippi and at some point to build a house and just to kind of settle down there. So I spent my life going to Mississippi anyway. So this isn't a big shock. People always ask me, isn't it weird to go from, no, it's not weird. It's normal, it's life, and it just gives me an opportunity to, as an adult, get a break from New York. and just go and be serene and do something that I think I'm supposed to do, which is take care of my grandmother. It's a different pace. Having lived in New York, it's a different pace. And I had the opportunity with my job to go down to Mississippi, because we do services down there. it was just, I loved it. loved it. Mississippi was great when I got to travel down there. I've been to Alabama. Because we're originally from Tennessee. And there's something about the South. There's something about it's a different pace, it's a different feeling, and every place has their goods and bads. I like that you get to go, you get the best of both worlds. You get the urban and you get some laid back. And so although the interesting question will be, do you really get to relax though? Because caregiving can be, so. Not relaxing. Exactly, so okay, so let's keep going. You're going back and forth, childhood, and between Chicago and Mississippi. Totally makes sense. You're visiting. And then you grow up. You get into an adulthood. What's life like? How's life treating you right up until you get that call six, seven years ago? So what's going on with that? Good question. So I eventually moved to New York for an acting career. I attended a performing arts school here, the American Musical and Dramatic Academy. And so I just love New York and I just stayed in New York. mostly, a large part of my career was spent doing commercials. I booked a lot of commercials and that's how I made a lot of my money. And so, yeah, I love New York. I'm living the New York life. I feel like my career is really getting started again. because in the entertainment business, it's ups and it's downs. It's like this, it's not a straight line for anyone. And so I really feel like, okay, things are going great. And I feel like I'm in a place where I have this down and then grandma falls. And I have to say that... We had become accustomed to her living alone, obviously. we're calling her. I talked to her all day, and she has her nieces and her nephews there, and they check on her. she's doing great. I think this is a lesson for all caretakers. Free caretakers, I'll say, if you're dealing with an elder parent or a grandparent. You do get comfortable and think, they're good. They're independent. She's great. She's rolling along. I mean, she's super independent. She was still cooking all those great meals and just moving along and having and enjoying life. And so we did have those times where we would say, well, what's going to happen when? But we'd like push it off. that's we own now. That's five years. That's 10 years. And then when it really happens, you're like, whoa, 10 years is today. Right. And so, you know, when it first happened, I went, my mom went first and she was getting ready to go to Hong Kong, though. So she went. was. right before Christmas, which my normal thing was to go, it's been the end of the year of grandma anyway. So I would go right after Thanksgiving and I would stay with her till like maybe middle of January. So that was my normal thing. It's been that for like many years now. So I was getting ready to head that way anyway, but maybe like two weeks later. So mom goes and she sees grandma through the hospital stay and she gets her home. and everything and then she says to me, well, you know, I'm getting ready to go to Hong Kong. Can you come early? I'm like, great. So I pack up my apartment, just leave it and I go to Mississippi not really knowing how long I'm gonna be there. So that initial time I ended up being there for nine months. I was there from, yep, was there from maybe like the 10th or 15th of December of 2017. I was there until June. of 2018 straight, never came back. And so I got somebody to stay in my apartment. My friends helped me out with that, but I was paying for my, I was paying for everything for months before someone came. So, you know, probably cost me a lot of money. That's normal for caregiving. Nobody says it. I know that, you know, when you and I spoke, it was the day that this occurred. Give me a little backstory though, because your grandmother is, she, woman's independent and so just like what you said never get comfortable with it because you should always do a little planning. Tell me about exactly what happened though because this was kind of interesting to me how this kind of came about. Sure so my grandmother so in Mississippi in our town garbage day is Wednesday and so grandma would get up Wednesday early Wednesday morning she would pull the garbage bag out of the garbage can and she would put it in the trunk of the car and then she would roll the car she would drive the car. to the end of the road, put the garbage out, turn the car around on the road. It's all very dangerous, trust me. We've been telling her for years to stop doing this, to get someone else to do it. So this particular morning, grandma and I always talk every morning anyway. Like right now, today, when I'm not there, I call her every day at six o'clock her time on the dot, sometimes two minutes before, sometimes two minutes after, but we talk at six o'clock. So, and I think we've been talking at that time anyway. So this particular morning, she called me early, the phone rang. I see the number and I'm like, okay. I have to admit, every time my grandma's phone rings, I brace myself. That's just, I've always, I'm just a, know, what's going on? So I answered the phone and she was very calm. And she said, I fell. I said, okay, what happened? So she said, I was pulling the garbage out of the can and I lost my balance. And so she fell back against the water tank. and banged up herself really bad. She broke some ribs in her, broke her ribs, many places. So her niece came and came down to see about it. She called her niece and they called the ambulance and there off she went. And so initially, I guess it didn't seem as bad, right? Cause she was able to call me and she wasn't, but when we got to the hospital, they said, we're going to have to. rushed you to the big hospital in Jackson. So they rushed her to Jackson and yeah, she was just in bad shape. so yeah, I think she was in hospital for a couple of weeks and she was just very disoriented. And my grandmother is, my mother says she's always been a hyper contract and she's a hyper contract with me. So she's always like, oh, I don't feel well, feel well, I don't feel well. And you're always like, oh, it's the boy who cried wolf. Well, we knew that this was bad because she wasn't talking. She's very, very, very loquacious. She wasn't saying anything. And so we were like, this woman is really hurt. So yeah, so it took months and months and months to get her back to, I pretty much nursed her back for that nine months. That's what I did. And that was just really the beginning. That was the first illness. So she's been sick since then, but yeah. So that was the fall. And so I'm going to actually take a break right here. Because it's getting good. Because it's going to get good. There's more. Because there's always something happens. It's either a slow burn or care comes in a crisis. And this felt like a crisis. We'll be right back. start to burn. Yeah, and then we start to burn. We'll be right back. All right, everybody. We are back here with Tracy Lauren. And care started the crisis. But she's been doing it for six years now. You know, she's just up and down, you know. So you go back, you go for your normal Christmas visit, and it turns into nine months. So talking about you and did you think it would be nine months when you didn't go back on your normal schedule? What was your thought like? I mean, you work for a living, right? Yeah, do I need to go back to work or? You know. Yeah, so. I freelance, I audition, you I need to be in New York to audition. Seems like you need to change those things, right? And so it's always like, wow, what's gonna happen there? And I had to tell my agents, I'm not gonna be here. Don't call me for anything. Like, it's just not possible. And so she was so not well that it's not like I could leave or anything like that. We didn't have any help. Our relatives are great and they help when they can. Like, you know, if you need to do a little something. You talk about consistent help in the house. We had none of that for the first three years. So whenever I was there or my mom was there, it was just us the entire time. So yes, that made it challenging. Of course, I wondered like, hey, what's going to happen with my career? Things are just starting to get going. I feel like I'm getting in a good place and what am I going to do for Mississippi? so, but honestly, I was more thinking about my grandmother because we have been close since before I was born. And she's always like, we have been incredibly close. can't even like, when I hear people, when people aren't close to their grandparents, it's weird to me. That's just because that's not my reality. So we are super tight. So of course it was going to be me, you know? Of course I was going to be the one that ended up with her and ended up there. Like it's just, that's the way it was supposed to be. If it had been any other way, that would have been weird. And so it didn't really matter. Yes, I was worried about my career and what was going to happen and all that, but I was more worried about her and just being able to, scared. Now obviously we're not all not going to be here, but I wasn't ready for my grandmother's to not be here. So, you know, I just felt like it was most important to take care of her. So no, I did not know I was going to be here for nine months. I did not know how long I was going to be there. I just said to my mom, listen, My mom is married, she has a business. I said, listen, I'll stay longer and let you take care of everything. I just felt like for her too, my mom too, that I should take more of the burden at that time. And so that's what I did. I did not plan it, but that's what happened. Do you think that caregiving is kind of in your DNA? This is just what you do as a family. Like, is this something that is learned or is it just would you attribute it to say it's relational? Because I hear you saying, because we were super close with our grandmother, and I helped care for my grandmother after my grandfather passed, and I didn't realize I would definitely be defined as a youth caregiver. But I didn't see that, but my youth caregiving would have been helping her do tasks that seemed appropriate for me as a granddaughter. Do you know what I mean? I adored my grandmother, so I totally agree with you. I think it's sad for people who don't know their grandparents because there's so much knowledge there and there's so much that you can gain. Do you think, was this something that you all just did as a family that you saw from other families, like you care for your elders? Is that a mentality that you all were raised with or is this just something that, of course we're gonna do it? And it never was even a thought of, did I have a choice or not? Well, I will say culturally, it is a thing. Like, we are expected to take care of our elders. Somebody's gonna take care of the elders in the family. It doesn't necessarily mean it's gonna be a daughter. Maybe you don't have kids. It doesn't mean it's gonna be a spouse or, but someone's gonna take care of the elders and it's very much a cultural thing. Now, in terms of my family, I say for me, I think I do have a nurturing spirit like a lot of women do. We are nurturers by I think innately, but I believe I've always loved elders. And also on the opposite side, I'm also a youth mentor. So I think it's just about caring for people. I, elders I have, I love the youth, whatever. It's a humanity thing, right? I love that. But I believe that for me, And for my mom, it was something, it's like, yeah, of course, this is what's gonna happen. And we gotta figure out how to make it happen. Now, my other family members, they pitch in a way they can. I have my grandmother's grandson, my cousin, he is a firefighter in Houston. And so, he can't be there every day like I can, right? And so, but he, when we have doctor's appointments and Jackson or something, he'll come, he'll take us to the doctor's appointment and he'll do... the things that he can do to pitch in. know, my aunt, she pitches in however she can from Chicago, but my mom and I, we are carrying the load. And that's just how it is. Like we are literally, you know, we're the ones that are there all the time. We make the decisions. We're the ones that have to deal with hiring, help. We do have help now. Someone's leaving, I just found out, so I'm devastated. But, because we love her. But you know, we are the ones that's carrying the load. Yeah. So was this a conversation? You'll get to ask a question in second, Jay. Sorry. Good Good try. Was this a family conversation? you say that you were prepared? Like all the paperwork, POA, medical POA? All that stuff. Did you think that you guys, was this just a conversation as she was aging? Even for your mom now, if you think about it now, we've had these conversations, we know exactly what we want to do. This is what that person wants. And so we're ready, even though we're never really ready when it happens. We think we're ready, but there's always all the unknowns. Or was it just like we had to do it? Sorry. yes, I'm sorry. Honestly. We did it the way you're not supposed to do it. There's no conversation, no preparation. Like, I am always, again, I think because I've always been, so when my grandfather passed away, my cousin Jason, who I just spoke about, he came from Chicago and he stayed with my grandma, because he was little. He was very, very young. I was in school, college, and so he stayed with grandma until he graduated from college. And then he left and he went off to live his life. But grandma was young then, you know, she was young. She's a pup, she didn't need to. Yeah, she was very young. So, but I've always been the one that's always there, even when I'm supposed to just be there for a week or two, my stay would always get extended to like a month, six weeks, whatever, because I had the most flexibility, you know, I'm this freelance artist, artsy-parsi weirdo. And so, you know, I could kind of work my way, my life around like that. I think that it may have just been something where, again, of course Tracy will be there. You know what I mean? I don't know if anyone, we never spoke that, but of course I'll be there. but we never, even when my grandma fell, I can't honestly tell you guys if we had a conference and was like, all right, this is what's happening. I don't think that's what happened. I think I was like, grandma fell. I'm here. I'm in charge. And I'm still here. Are you in charge? Were you in charge basically? Were you making the rules and stuff? I gotta know. Like how were decisions made? I mean, just the rules gotta be made. what I mean? who's gonna? Somebody gotta break the rules. You stepped into the gap. You stepped into the open space because a lot of people, I think, don't feel comfortable. with like, my gosh, what's this gonna mean? There's all these extra things in the background that's impacting your decision. And what I hear you just saying over and over again is like, I just did it because it was the right thing to do. Of course I'm gonna care for my grandmother. And of course I'm gonna be there nine months like having a baby. But I mean, that's the reality. And so how was it different? going into the situation at that point. So you're going in with a different visit, if you think about it. You're going in and you're coming in, because I think you probably provided caregiving at some level over the years, the entire relationship. You probably helped out here and there. Where does she need help? Maybe you're driving the garbage down, or walking it. But how did that, how did it change? Because it was that fall that really created I think the world changed because then you start going on a schedule that's a formal schedule with you and your mom. Right. And also, again, I have to say that whatever assistance that I gave to grandma, I call it my grandbaby, the way. I love that. I knew there was another note. Which is hilarious. I'll be like, you have a grandbaby. But whatever assistance I was giving to grandma was just like going to the store and yes, walking the garbage down and going to the mailbox and stuff like that. I did not have to do anything else for her. She bathed herself, she cooked her own food. She was cooking for me. She did all those things. Like seriously, she drove herself. She drove me to church. Like, cause I didn't like, she had a Lincoln, I didn't like driving big cars. So she was literally doing all of that stuff. There was no helping her. There was no helping her get dressed. I cannot stress enough, like she was literally 100 % independent. Gotcha. And so then as, know, of course she gets a little older and she needs her nieces and stuff for taking her, starting to take her on her errands to, you know, drive around and stuff, but she was still driving. And then one day, I think she had turned like 88, maybe she was like 87, 88. I don't know where she got spooked. I don't know what this spook means. It's like a weird thing. Like she, we were telling her grandma. We can move the mailbox when you're over 65 actually, or maybe 70, I don't know what it is. You can have the mailbox moved from the road, right, to up by your house. But you have to just apply for it. You gotta send in to the mail, to the postal service. Yeah, because you know, either if you're homebound or if you're an elder, you can have your mailbox in the south. In Mississippi anyway, I don't know what they're doing in Tennessee and Alabama and all these places. Probably just But in Mississippi, I'm sure it's the same because it's federal. It's federal, right? And so, yeah. So she was like, no, no, no. She was fighting it. I'm like, OK, you want to continue to drive your car down the road back basically because we're on the side of the road where our mailbox had to be on the other side. Because as you guys yell in the South, it matter what side your house is on. Your mailbox all has to be on the same side. That's right. or people who don't know that, for all you city folks out there. Her mailbox was on the other side of the road. So she would have to drive across the road, get out of the car, get the mail, get back in the car, back, back across the road. We already know how dangerous, that sounds dangerous, right? She was doing this until her late 80s. One day she didn't tell us what happened. I don't think anything happened, but she has a very strong intuition, she does. And one day she just called me and said, All right, I don't want to back the car down the road anymore. Can you send that thing into the post office? I said, okay. So that happened. And then one day she just didn't want to drive anymore. Now, thank God she never had any accidents or anything, but something spooked her. So when that happened, her nieces and nephews would have to come and take her driving, come pick her up and take her to church and stuff like that. That was the most help that she was really getting. You know, she was still doing everything else. So when I went to her that day when she fell, of course, as you said, I went with a different motive. Yeah. She fell. And now I'm driving up and knowing that I don't know what condition she's going to be in and I'm going to have to help her. And so, yes, that was a whole different thing. And I think that it just became, listen, this is a reality for the people, for your listeners out there. It's always going to be one person in a family, at least, that steps up. When that person steps up, let me tell you, other people aren't going to volunteer because you've already stepped up. That's right. So unless you say, I need you, they're going to be, you got, they're going to assume that it's not out of maliciousness or anything. Some of it is selfishness and some of it is human nature. Like, Tracy's good. she's good. And unless you say you're not good or that you need the help. Yeah. They gonna let you. Calvary's not coming. They gonna let you do it. And it happens at work. It happens everywhere. It's true. Of course they do. Best employee gets all the work. Yes. There you go. There you go. The eager beaver does it all. You know, it's, Tracy, you were the eager beaver. I'll do it. Let me do all the care. That's exactly right. Yeah. But I also trust myself to do what has to be done. Yeah. I trust myself to know. and I've had to actually help Grandma through a lot of, these last almost seven years really, through some very tumultuous times. After the fall, there's been some other stuff that I've helped her through and it's been really, to me, the fall was the easiest thing. The beginning. If I'm being honest with you. Since, you know, and she's actually, her doctors don't understand this or anything. It's probably the only thing we can explain, that can explain is really a spiritual thing. She's actually better in better shape at 97 than she was at 91, 92, 93, 94. Wow. Explain that. Like, seriously. Like, you know, she has a heart condition. Her heart, everything is better. Hmm. Isn't that interesting? The grandbaby's doing good. Now, I wonder if she's eating less bacon and whole milk. Because you know bacon and whole milk is exactly, and you're cooking the eggs. in the bacon grease girl. You know it. That's how I'm sure that's why my grandfather had a heart attack at 68. And so, but you know what? He ate a lot of bacon. So we like bacon in everything. Southern eaten. Southern eaten. know it. And I'm better for it. saying. Very true. Okay. Hold that thought for a second because I want to hear more about, you thought the fall was bad. That was easy. So I want to take a break. One more break. And then we're gonna come back, because I wanna know what the last six years has been like and how that's impacted across the board. We'll be right back. All right, everybody, we are back here with Tracy. We've gotten through the fall, we've gotten through some fun times with grandbaby, who I love, okay. But here, there's a lot more that goes on. The fall is just the beginning. I am gonna ask for those, like what happens in these... past years that have occurred. But I also want to talk about your relationship with your grandma because some of we are in there, there's kind of probably been a little bit of a switch like Tracy's kind of in charge and she's like, no, I used to like diaper you. So I want to talk about relationship and then some of the other events that have occurred over these last years. Sure. Yes, it is an interesting dynamic, right, when you go from the child to the grown-up. And I do work, I have to be honest, I work very hard though to make my grandmother feel like the adult that she still is. Right. And, you know, she's an adult who's lived life though, that's the only, that's the difference between taking care of a child and taking care of an elder. Because the child does not have those years of experience to draw from. The elder has all, depending on how old they are, decades and decades and decades, they've seen a lot. And so I try very hard to, even when I'm talking with her doctors or her nurses or whomever, that I'm not talking over her head. When they're asking questions, I say, ask her. And then I fill in the gaps where I need to. When it comes time to sign stuff, I say, hey. Let me get Grandma to sign it. She's able to sign. Okay, her signature may not be the way she likes it before, but I say your signature is great. So I try to do those things to incorporate her in her own life and decisions so that she can feel like she's a part of it. Now, of course, there's still some like, you don't have to tell me what to do. You know, when I tell her what to do. There's some sass. When I encourage things, you know, when I suggest things. And so, yes, there is some, you know, some resentment sometimes. And she and my mom really have it out, which is hilarious, because they are a lot alike. And I tell my mom, now, take notes, honey, because if you start acting like that, when your turn, you're going to a nursing home. I love a solid threat. I know, I know. I love a solid threat. Because I'm an only child. I'm my mom's only child. So I'm like, you only got me to deal with. That's exactly right. Yeah, so my mom and my grandma, go at it sometimes. I mean, grandma, sometimes I feel like we fight like sisters and it's hilarious. And she gets mad about things. And my grandma, when the whole walker thing came, when she needed to start using a walker after she fell, that was a battle for a couple of months. It was like, lady, you gotta use this walker and you gotta use it because it's gonna help you stay independent. Let's say like, if you fall and break your hip, I can't pick you up. That's not gonna be a fun life. Right now you can still go, you can do all your own business, you go to the shower, you know what I mean? She can still do stuff to have her dignity for the most part. Yes, we help her, we escort her to the restroom and we escort her to the shower and we help her with the hard stuff. But she does the dirty stuff. I'm like, when it comes, I'm like, that's your turn, honey. That's all you. I'm doing it, that. I love Tracy. That's not in my contract. I like that. My imaginary contract that I feel like I slid into the blood. totally fine. I think that's interesting because you've not gotten to the point then that you're having to cross over. You know what I mean? There's a time that you cross over. The time that I helped, and this is not an embarrassing thing. The time that when my mom had an accident in the She got sick in the stall at the nastiest Walmart in North Carolina, Greensboro. And I had to crawl underneath the stall because she couldn't get up to open the door. And there was, she'd just gotten sick. And I'm sitting there. That is a crossover moment. Do you know what I mean? No, I've had those. Like a full on, yeah. No, I've had those. Yes, I've had those moments. Fortunately not in public. It's they've happened at home. Yeah, I think what I'm saying because yeah, if they get sick or something like that then yeah the guys ladies I've I have a very weak stomach fair enough and I Never imagined that what I would be doing now some of the things that I would have to do I would be able to do yeah, that's my stomach is very weak so I've had to put aside those things and just pull up my pink girl panties. Right? Yes. There are things that I've had cross, cross, over. that what you call Yeah, like that moment that you cross over that I'm like, remember that time you tased mine? yeah, yeah, yeah. expect to have to do this. Or. Oh, no, no, no, no. I've had those. It's just not, I think that there are some people, some caretakers who have to do that every day. That's the answer. Right? They're caring for people who literally can't go to the restaurant lot. Yeah, and condolences and stuff. can't. Right, so I may be dealing with someone who might have a little bit of incontinence issues. However, most of the time she can take care of her own self in that way. So I guess that's the difference. The difference is between someone who may occasionally have an accident and you may have to help or someone who every day, they can't get out, they're bedridden. You have to wash them from the bed. You have to bring the pot thing over. Thank Jesus, we're not there on an everyday basis. Yes, when she was sick at her sickest, we did have to do some of that. Yeah. You know, and I did have to help her through some of that. But fortunately, I feel blessed enough that on a daily basis right now where we are in our life, as my mom likes to say, our reality right now is a good one. If I look at what some other caretakers have to do. And so if you do that, You don't complain then about the stuff that you do have to do because you're like, I have friends who've taken care of elders with Alzheimer's and it's so hard. My friend who just lost her mom, who I knew, her mom's Alzheimer's had just gotten really bad. And so for her, she had an everyday crossing over day, every day for the last like three years. So that's not. Listen, I listen listen to you, Tracy and you're like, you know what, somebody's got it harder than me. That's Tracy's attitude. So I got it good. You know, I'm a caregiver and I love caring for my grandmother. Somebody else, your attitude is always, I look at somebody else and they have it harder than me. So I got it good. It's an ability to show some gratitude. I mean, it's shifting the lens to say, you know what, this is not great. And trust me, I felt that way with my husband and some things that drove me crazy. But I'm like, but it's not as bad as it could be. And, you know, I don't even know if we would even recognize as bad as it could be in the sense of there's always someone that seems a little bit harder and it allows us to have like empathy because we can, and there's a difference between sympathy and empathetic and being like, I'm just gonna come sit right here beside you and say, I feel you. know exactly, I can relate. It's why we do the podcast because your story is so important because people are going to hear it and be like, yeah, I can relate to that. I can relate the fight over it. it feels like sometimes it feels like you're fighting for stuff like, hey, I think this will help you. Why am I having to fight with you? And I think ultimately it goes back to what you said, dignity, independence, decision-making, and when we as caregivers, because we're forced, and this is a thing, we're forced to make decisions so often. when our loved ones can't, it's in those moments when they can't that we're so used to stepping up and making that answer that we don't give them the opportunity and that's when it starts to be this rub. Yeah, that's true. So Tracy, you have, even in the midst of all this, you've been doing like a lot. So, I mean, you have this caregiving, but you still have found a way. And I say this, you care, but then you've also thrived. So I wanna know how you've found this balance. Good question. How are you doing all this switching back and forth? You're going back and forth every six months and you're working and do you have relationships? Are you able to, yeah, see that face? Trust me, I got you on that. Like what does the future look like? You've done a lot of amazing stuff. So tell me about that. Yeah, how have you done it? Like what would you say encouraging to others who are in the midst of it, moving forward? I think, so I had to step back and find a way to still support myself as an artist and figure out, how can I do this in Mississippi? shoot. Look at all this land that I have here. I don't have to worry about putting my camera outside in New York and going in the house and coming back and it's stolen. I can just set up my equipment right here. I can do any, I have every type of set that I can imagine that I need right here. I never, it never dawned on me because before I was just coming to Mississippi to see grandma for the two weeks, or the three weeks, or the six weeks, going back to New York and doing my artsy thing. I was like, wow. So when that hit me and I started to expand myself creatively and realized that I can do it in Mississippi, I'm not gonna say better than in New York, but in a different way. So now at this point, I got a whole little studio in Mississippi that I don't have to pay for, don't you? you're all free-fill scouts. But yeah, I just opened myself up. So what I would say, to other caretakers, no matter what field you're in, is you have to be open to expanding yourself and your opportunities from wherever your caretaking, caregiving is. And figuring out how can I parlay whatever this is that I'm doing right now, how can I still take care of myself, my business, or creatively whatever your business is. There is a way to do it, or maybe the caregiving. extends into your business. I don't know, but there's some kind of way that you have to say, how can I satiate that part of me? Because you cannot just allow yourself to just be a caregiver because then resentment will grow. Even though you don't want it to, you love your person, I mean, unconditionally, but we're human. So you don't want to get to at some point, we're all going to leave and whoever you're taking care of, if they leave before you. And then you've put all this energy and time and love into them. And then when it's time for you, just you, you're lost. And so I think that we have to find a way to ease our lifestyles back into the caregiving. So for me, that took a while. Obviously the first nine months, I didn't know what was going to happen. So I'm just taking care of her. There's no, my God, I'm resentful. But once I realized that this is going to, yes, this is going to be every six months, then I had to say, how do I make this work? so that I'm both taking care of grandma and doing my duties as a granddaughter and as a human being. And then also take care of Tracy as an artist and as a creative person. So that's important to figure out some kind of way. And it's not easy. for me, yes, when I didn't have any help at all, you should have seen me running back and forth, going outside the film, coming back in to check on grandma, running outside the film again, coming back in. open the door. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. All right. I'll be back outside. But it became a thing because when I shot in front of the house, she could see me running back and forth and she got a big kick out of that. You just are so, you know, I found a way to make it work and it doesn't always work perfectly. Of course I have to pass up auditions and stuff. My agents will call me for something to see. passed up a Superbowl audition last year and it was like, I was like, man, I wanna do a Super Bowl commercial so bad, it didn't make any sense. I wasn't gonna make it to LA to shoot the thing. I didn't have anything in place, so commercials run very fast, move quickly. You don't have like, you audition for a commercial, you get in, then they're like, all right, we'll see you next month. No, you audition for the commercial, you usually get a call back the next day if you're get one, and the filming is usually in two to three days. So it's moved too quickly for me to be like. You know what I mean? Unless it's shooting in New Orleans or something like that, then yeah, I can make that happen. I'm close to New Orleans and Mississippi, but yeah. Any regret about that though? mean, are you like, gosh, if I wasn't caregiving, I could have done a Super Bowl. Have you been to Super Bowl commercials? No. Yeah, no regret. I can say to you with 100 % honesty, I'm not even lying to you guys, I have no regret. My grandmother and I have so much fun together. We have a ball. And I found a way when I can incorporate her into my filming. She's in my season three of my series, Black History Baddie. She's in season three. And whenever I can, I include her in. One thing I will say to your listeners out there, if you are caretaking, especially for an elder, record them as much as you can. Ask them questions about their lives. You know, have that written, because once they're gone, they're gone, and their stories will go with them. So I make sure that each and every day that I'm with her, that I get something. And so her story won't go with her, it'll be with me. I love that. I know. It's like a tribute. I know. That you get to hear it all now. I know. I love that. Yeah, all now. I like it all now. All right, so I can't believe we're already at the end of our time, but we're clearly all gonna be besties. just said I'm bestie. had her. Yeah, she's had her first. She's already decided she likes me better. Speaking of besties, we've got two questions we're going to ask. So what is your sister question? OK, first of all, I'm going to tell everybody, Tracy is a blast. She's got so much going on. And you can see, find, hear all kinds of stuff. We're going to have it in the show notes about Tracy, because she's into all kinds of wild and crazy stuff. That's all I got to say about that. And then my question is, you say something in notes, and it says, it's OK not to. to know everything. Tell me why that's so important. Because as a caretaker, as you guys said at the top of this, caretaking does not come with a nine month preparation as maternity does, right? You get pregnant, you get time to prepare, even though you can still say you're not prepared once you have a baby, and I do get that. But at least there's some kind of prep time. Yeah. Caregiving is often boom, bam, baby, you wake up one day and you are a caregiver. There is no prep. So you are learning on the fly. Every day you are learning something and every day protocols are gonna change and you have to be okay with that. And if you don't know something today, that's fine. You don't know it tomorrow because you lived it today. And so you have to be okay with making mistakes. You have to be okay with learning. You can't be so arrogant to think that you know everything and you can't be so arrogant that you don't ask someone for help. Even if that person is someone you cannot stand, but you're like, man, Rebecca went through this. I got my car Rebecca. Yeah, I'm calling that beef. So, okay, so here's my last question. This is always my question. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? What is the one thing that you love to do just for you? Well, love competition reality shows. And so I love The Survivor. love stuff like that. So I will just pop on a marathon if I can. Before I had help with grandma, I would sneak in just like, not sneak, but you know what I mean? was down on my phone and I would lie there very still. Because sometimes I would be in her room with her and I'd just be very still. I don't want her to know that I'm awake. And I'll watch. I do that with my husband. so many things I could say and I'm not. Because it ain't that kind of podcast, You know it. Tracy, that is so much fun. well, thank you so much for being with us. I love that. I'm going to tell you, I also do it, Jason. I'm like, don't we all? We're like, nobody sees me. I just want to watch this and just enjoy my little cat memes. I will tell that cat memes cat memes crack me up on Instagram Tracy thanks so much for being with us. You are such a blessing and your attitude is unbelievable and I love that you love your grandmother so much because I feel it it comes through I know every listener and viewer will feel that love and And I didn't hear you say this is easy. It's all rainbows and unicorns people because I didn't hear that at all, but you you gave a really you give people hope that it can be okay. so, so anyway, all right, well guys, until we confess again, we'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. 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