Triumph Over Grief Through Community Love

"You can bring back the color and the light." - Kelci Jager

Kelci Jagger shares her powerful and emotional story of overcoming tragic loss and grief through the support of her community and finding power in living in the light. Her incredible journey chronicles a series of tragic events including a dangerous accident with her two sons and her husband’s heart-breaking leukemia diagnosis. Losing a loved one can be one of the most painful experiences we go through in life, and it's often hard to imagine how we can move forward without them. 

If you're struggling with grief or loss, Kelci’s story is an inspiration in perseverance and love.

*******

About Kelci Jager:

Kelci Jager is a Certified Life Coach, Grief Coach, Registered Nurse, and Author of the book “A Million Miracles and the One That Never Came” and found herself navigating the challenging terrain of grief when she lost her 40-year-old husband to leukemia. Left to pick up the pieces of her shattered life as a solo parent to their four sons, Kelci faced the fear of her children losing her too. However, her determination to RISE and thrive became her driving force. With a blend of professional expertise and a deeply personal journey as a widow and solo parent, Kelci possesses a strong foundation and a unique perspective. She is passionately committed to providing support and guiding others on their grief journey.

Links: 

Website: RISEwithgrief.com

Social Media: 

Facebook: www.facebook.com/kelci.calljager

Instagram: www.instagram.com/kelci.jager/

LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/kelci-jager-6a3788a0/

Buy The Book “Million Miracles That Never Came”

************
Support the show

Confessions

Transcript

0:00

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad, and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, lead with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Now, let's get to today's confessions. It's your birthday. Happy birthday. It's your birthday, happy birthday to you. Oh, it's your birthday. Happy birthday. Okay. I know. Kelsey's dancing too. I'm going into it. I know, right? So, one of our favorite things that we do, just so that you know, as sisters is that we all compete to call each other first. And so, I hope that my youngest sister, Emily, did not call JJ before I did, but I knew I was going to up my game this year by singing Happy Birthday to you, JJ, because I love you. Okay. So, let me just note this really fast where we get started. So this morning when I talked to you early, I was hurt because you did not sing the birthday song. I was waiting. And then as I was getting on this call and you were changing my name, Kelsey, I said to myself, she is going to sing the birthday song on air. I'm going to be able to listen to that to infinity. We have over 300,000 downloads a month and people, 300,000 people are going to be like, she turned 51. You're not to talk about that out. Oh, hey, everybody. We have amazing guests. Thanks, everybody. Thanks for allowing us some leeway to let me sing Happy Birthday to Jay, because her birthday is technically, this is being recorded on August the 5th. That is JJ's birthday. So, but you know what, let's stop messing around. We are privileged to have Kelsey, Jayger, not Jagger, no relation to Mick Jagger on the podcast. Jay, I want you to tell everybody about our bestie, Kelsey. We have had to reschedule Kelsey. I believe three times. We love her. The first time was due to my dog. If you ever are scheduled for something and the host says I can't because I got to rush my dog in the vet, that is a heart of a good person. That is a heart. She's clearly a caregiver. She gets it. That's right. The dog is fine. I am so glad. And I have two happy's myself, so I get it. I get it. Let me tell everybody about you, Kelsey. Today, we have Kelsey, Jayger, with us. And she is a certified life coach. She is a grief coach. She is a registered nurse. And she is the author of the book, A Million Miracles and the one that never came. And that book came from a place of grief for her. Her 40-year-old husband, who had a 559-day battle with leukemia. She was left to pick up the pieces after he passed a shattered life as a solo parent to their four sons and faced the fear of her children losing her too. However, her determination to rise and thrive became her driving force. And I love that, Kelsey. Rise and thrive. Because you definitely have a driving force. We are so happy to have you here. Yay! Thank you. Thank you. So good to be here. It was definitely worth the wait. Oh, thank you. Thank you. I know. Honestly, I meant to be on the voice. I know. I know. So Natalie always starts and says."You were born and then just fast forward." So give us some background because I need all the color. I need to understand where we're going to get where we were the caregiving part. Okay. So my husband and I, Colin, we met pretty young. I was in nursing school at San Diego State University and he had just graduated high school when we met. So I was 20, he was 18, and we were at a young single adult activity at a church, and I saw him from across the room, and I was like, dang, who is that? He definitely caught my eye. Oh my God. I love that. He definitely caught my eye, and he was surrounded, no surprise, by probably a dozen girls. And I was like, well, I'm not going to compete with the people. Those girls, he's probably a player anyways. Oh, so I did not meet him that night. Our eyes met a couple of times across the room, but I was like, if he wants to talk to me, he's going to have to come over here and talk to me. He did not meet him before. He did it first, but yes. But then a week later, I saw him at another gathering. And that night, he did come up and introduced himself to me. And so he got my phone number because I told him that we, me and my girlfriends, were moving from our apartment into a house that weekend, and he's like, do you need help moving? And I was like, of course, we do. So he got us. Yes. So he got our number back then. It was before, this is dating how old I am, it was before like everyone held cell phones. So he, we had a landline for the apartment. So he got the landline for the apartment. The next day, he called and I answered the phone and I said, hello. And he said, hi, who's this? And I was like, excuse me, you called me? Who is this? And he said, this is Colin. And I immediately changed and was like, oh, I'm Colin. I'm Colin. I'm Colin. We have kids, but some of the dogs can hear, right? I'm going to catch all the dogs. Hi. Yes. So he was calling to see, to like, set up the details for our move, but really, I found out later, he was calling to ask me out on a date, which he did. We went on a date and then we were pretty much inseparable from there. We were married in 2003. We had four boys and our life was really, we had our struggles, but it really was picture perfect. You know, it couldn't have gotten much better. And we started a business together. So we were, we worked together, we played together. We really, really was my best friend. And in 2019, we felt a deep pull that we needed to move to Florida. And it was kind of scary, not kind of, it was a lot scary because we, like I said, we had our own business. So we kind of could go wherever we wanted, but we didn't know Florida. We didn't have any family there. We didn't have any friends there, but we just felt this deep pull that we needed to move. So listening to this prompting, we met with a realtor, we booked a flight out to Florida, just him and I, we told everybody we were going on a business trip. And he and I met with the realtor in Florida. And that trip, we bought a lot, signed a contract to build a home in Florida. So it was super crazy, super scary, but a year later, so right before COVID, we moved our family across the country from Southern California to Florida. How old were your boys, then, Kelsey? Let's see. My oldest was 15. My oldest was 15 and my youngest was in first grade. So he was six. Oh, that's a span. He was six. Oh, yeah. That's a big span, the boys. It was really scary, but we made them move. COVID happened and we all know what happened there. We were very happy to be in Florida and not in Southern California during that time because we, where we live, there's a lot of forest and biking trails and stuff so we could get outside and do things. And so we were just kind of riding that, that COVID shut down wave like everybody else. And then tragedy struck and our two oldest boys were in a motor vehicle accident. And the details of that accident, they were with some friends. It was probably like 9.45 at night. They, I just talked to them on the phone because they were supposed to be home around 9.30 and I was like, where are you guys? And they're like, we're just down the street. We're almost there. We just stopped at the pool real quick, the pool in our neighborhood. We just stopped at the pool real quick. We're going to be home and it was raining outside. It was a summer storm. It was in the summer. And I was like, okay, I went into, I started getting ready for bed. I heard some chaos out like out in the living room and I was like, oh, the boys are home. I have four boys. So there's chaos is not uncommon in my house. But then I noticed quickly that the tone of the chaos was different. And I heard my husband yell, Kelsey, let's go. And so I didn't know what was going on. I just grabbed my phone and started running out the door and they were, you know, 20 feet ahead of me running down the driveway. And I'm like, what's going on? What's happening? And he said the boys were in an accident. So they were in an accident, actually just three doors down from our house. So we were able to run there. I'm sure six kids in the accident. I'm triaging all the kids. It's dark. It's raining. My son, Luca, was for sure the most injured in the accident. And I could tell right away. So once I got all the kids triaged and more help came, I rushed. Luca and my son Ian, who hit his head to the emergency room. Again, this is in COVID. So my husband couldn't come with us. They were only allowing one parent. Plus we had two other little guys at home. So he stayed back with them. So I'm in the emergency room with my two boys. And I knew Luca had broken bones. He had road rash up and down his body. I knew that he was going to need some treatment. Ian, I wasn't so sure. He hit his head. He had symptoms of a head injury, but we didn't know the extent of it. So they did a brain CT. And during that brain CT, we discovered that he actually had a brain tumor. That he had no previous signs or symptoms of at all. Wow. So as you can imagine, I'm in the emergency room. And I've got one kid rushing off to surgery for broken bones and trauma and another kid getting rushed off for a brain tumor. And I'm just kind of sitting there like what the heck is going on. And that really turned my world upside down. Like I said, we had experienced hard things before, but not like this. This almost broke me, but I had my husband to help me through. My husband was my anchor. And together, like when I would break down and be like, this is too much, this is too hard. I don't know how we're going to get through this. He was my anchor there to support me to be like, we're going to get through this. Everything's going to be okay. And that's what I was for him by spursa. And we did get through it. Thankfully my son's brain tumor was benign. Thankfully the neurosurgeon was able to remove the entire tumor. So it was a lot of just rehab after that because he did have major brain surgery. And then a lot of rehab for my son for trauma. And so fast forward four months. It's the end of 2020 now. And I'm like, let's close the door on 2020. This year has just been horrible. So this January 2nd, 2021, my husband ended up in the emergency room. And he had been experiencing some chest pain for a few weeks before that. But it wasn't like cardiac chest pain. It was more like muscle chest pain. He and I, we had a routine where we'd go to the gym every morning before we started work. So we'd go to the gym together and he had, we thought maybe he had just over exerted himself for something. But on January 2nd, he spiked a fever. His pain was getting worse. And I was like, you need to go to the emergency room. Like we need to find out what's going on. He drove himself to the emergency room because he thought it was just going to be like a quick thing. So big deal, don't even worry about it. Yes. And I was like, I sure I can take you. He was like, no, it's fine. So I was like checking in with him and he was keeping me updated. Like they got me in right away. They got me a text, you know, I just saw the doctor, they're ordering some labs. And then it was radio silence. And I'm texting him, no response. I'm calling him, no response. And now I'm starting to panic. And I'm like, what is going on? And so I called the emergency room. Now he's been gone for a couple of hours. And his nurse answered and she said, I'm so glad you called me because he didn't write down any emergency contact information. So we didn't have your information typical, no offense to any men that are listening, but that's kind of a typical man thing to do. I was like, what do you mean? Oh, they write down any emergency information. So anyways, she said he took a turn for the worse and he is admitted. We don't know what's wrong with him. Visiting hours are over with now because they were small, they had a smaller window because of COVID. And she said, right, I can come in the morning. And so I was calling him, calling him, he's not answering. I don't know what's going on. I'm freaking out. I'm there the second I can be there the next morning. And the next seven days, the doctors did so many tests to try to figure out what was going on with him and everything was coming up fine. But he was getting sicker. His labs were all over the place and he was in a ton of pain. They couldn't figure out what was wrong with him as a nurse. I was drilling them about everything. Finally, I demanded that they get oncology on board and they were like, this isn't this, okay, fine, but this isn't like an oncology thing. And I was like, well, we've checked with everything else. So let's check with oncology come to find out it was acute lymphoblastic leukemia, which is an aggressive form of blood cancer. I'm going to, I'm going to stop you right there. Yeah, because we're going to take a break and then we're going to come right back and we're going to go into this because what I heard you say though is like you started because you're a nurse and so you already know how to advocate, but now you're advocating in a different way because you're the mama, you're the wife, you're turning. This is the time that you added a new role, really. And you added caregiver will be right back. I don't know about you, but my inbox is always cluttered. You can use list emails, but there's one I always open, the confessions of a reluctant caregiver newsletter. You may say, Natalie, what makes you so special? Well, I'm biased, but don't just take my word for it. Here's what our subscribers say they love. First, it comes once per month and you can read it in under five minutes. Next, you'll find amazing tips and resources to use in your everyday life. And who doesn't love a recommendation? These sisters do, which is why we share sister-approved products and discount links to save you time and money. And of course, you're first to know about the upcoming months confessions. Just like our show, you're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Go to our website, Confessions of a RelectingCaregiver.com to sign up for our newsletter today. Hey, everybody. We are back here with Kelsey Jager. And she's going through a lot. Her boys were at an accident at one point in 2020, two of her, her two oldest. And four months later, her husband is in the emergency room. He's been admitted and has finally been diagnosed with blood cancer. And that was after she said, "Madley, she advocated and said, 'I need to be a doctor.''I need for you to bring in oncology because obviously the other doctors weren't doing it.' So let's keep picking up. So you go through this and you get the diagnosis. Now what's happening? Because now you've turned into a caregiver, you've got four boys, and what does life become for you? And change." It was reversed back to when my boys got in their accident. Our community, because we didn't have any family, all our family was on the West Coast. We had no family by us. And because of COVID, it wasn't easy for them to travel, to come and help us. So our, thankfully, our community really rallied around us and they were bringing us meals. They were watching our kids. They were cleaning our house, doing our laundry, whatever needed to be done. They would just come and do it. And I kind of was like, "Wait, whoa, whoa, hang on a, you know, I can't do it." You know, you don't want to be the classic, the classic phrase, "I don't want to be a burden." But at that time, I didn't have a choice. I had two kids in the hospital and two more kids at home that needed to be taken care of. So I didn't have a choice. Now when my husband was in the hospital, when he was admitted in the emergency room and they were doing tests, they didn't know what was wrong with him. My community rallied again. And one of my neighbors on the street said, "Do you want me to start a meal train again?" And I said these are specific words to her. No, I do not want to be the neighborhood service project. I don't want our family to be the neighborhood service project. No, do not start a meal train. This is just something that's acute. You know, we're going to figure it out and then we're going to be home and we'll be fine. Now when we got the diagnosis, I knew that I'm not an oncology nurse. I was a pediatric intensive care nurse. I took care of patients that had leukemia. I knew that this was going to be a really long road. And so one of the first things I did was text my neighbor that offered to start up the meal train and I said, "You can start the meal train. We're going to need help." Oh. So I have always been a very... I'll figure it out. You know, I'm resilient. I'm strong, confident person. When this happened, just on the heels of the trauma from my boys, that'll win out the window. And I completely shattered into a million pieces. I couldn't be there for my husband. I couldn't be there for my kids. I was putting everybody else before me and it caught up with me and I couldn't get out of bed. And here's my husband in the hospital getting a pick line, starting chemo, like getting all these things, you know, getting a bone marrow biopsy, getting all these invasive things happening to him in the hospital and I could not get out of bed to be there with him. And that absolutely tore me apart, but I could not get out of bed because I was so broken. And at one point, my kids would come in and they'd say, "The room and check on me." And one point I was able to get out of bed and I think I was getting a drink of water or something and my second youngest son who was, I think he was 11, 10 or 11 at the time. He said, "Mom, are you eating?" And I was so anxious and so stressed that I couldn't eat, like eating made me feel so nauseous. And I said, "I'm trying, buddy." And he said, "Because mom, I'm worried about you." You look like you're wasting away. And that was really a wake-up call for me. Like you are just sitting here feeling sorry for yourself, feeling, you know, in this victim mode, like, why is all of this happening?"Whoa is me, whoa is our family?" And your kids are losing both their parents. And you can control if they lose you. And so I really... Wow. I didn't know how I was going to push forward, but I knew I had no other choice but to figure it out. And I, like I said, I had no idea how I was going to do it, but I just had the belief that it was possible. And just that belief was enough for me to take the next little step. And that's what we really need to do in grief. And when we're caregivers and everything just seems so overwhelming is that we have to shorten our lens. If we look to... If our lens is too wide, if we look at all the things we have to do, or all the things that, you know, might happen in the future, it consumes us and it breaks us. So we have to shorten our lens and just look at what do I need in this moment? And what is my next step right here? And that's really how I kind of was able to move forward from there. The other thing was... And I talk about this in my book is there was so much darkness. And of course, everyone around me is like, "I can't imagine and I can't... Like, how are you still standing?" And, you know, and they're being empathetic, but it's also like, "Yeah, like, yeah, this is... I am a victim." Like, this is horrible. And so, like, you do need that witness, but it also, you have to be careful because you can easily get, like, wrapped into that victim mentality and story. So what I started doing was to counteract that. Was I started looking for all the things that were going right, all the things that we still had, where there were so many little tender mercies and blessings. Yes, everything was falling apart, but my community rallying around me. I still had my kids. I had... my husband had such a great attitude. Like, he was like, "I'm going to beat this." And, you know, like, there were so many still good things. And it was really... I had to actively look for the light, because it was so much easier to just get sucked into the darkness, but the darkness was keeping me in that, in bed. And so, when I looked through the light, that is what would be able to push me forward, to be able to do all the things that I needed to do. Mm, wow. I've just... I'm like, "Go on." Because you're right. You're so right. You're so right that you can go into a victim mode. Because I'm going to tell you, Kelsey, when Jason was diagnosed, I'm just like, "Seriously? Haven't we had enough?" He's already had back-and-neck issues. He felt... he felt like a victim. And it was easy, and I'm sitting there thinking,"I didn't sign up for this." Like, we'd been together 11 years, and three months after he... We get married, he's not able to work because he is back... He has this back injury, and so he can't work. And so, I'm like, "Okay, so now it's solely on me." And then, then we get cancer, like, he gets cancer, but I've counted them like, "Really? What did I do?" And it's totally agree that it's like, you can go into those modes and float into them and be like,"I'm just going to walk around the city and pretend like I'm just, you know, Sarah Jessica Parker, sex in the city." I'm just going to pretend like I'm going to pretend. And you're right. If you go, if you swim in that darkness, you can totally get sucked in. It can be really hard to get out. Yes, and I want to be very clear, that I'm not talking about toxic positivity. I'm not talking about ignoring the pain, ignoring the heart. It is crucial to acknowledge that and to give it space, but it's also crucial to acknowledge and give space to what still remains. It's an "and." It's not an either "or." So, because let me ask you this, because your life is totally disrupted. And as you said, it's fallen apart. Are you still working? Your kids are going to school? I mean, is this how your village falls together, at least get your kids to school? Yeah, so like I said, we had our own business. So my husband was the president of the company, so I had to kind of step in and take over that role. My kids were in school, they had, they were on sports teams, and I tried very, very, very hard to not disrupt their life as much as I could control. And so, yeah, thankfully we have a village. I wouldn't have been able to continue doing the things that I did without our village, but in that same breath, I had to swallow my pride and let that village come in and help us. That you're right, because I think especially for certain personalities, there is a pride piece to it. And you have to, I totally feel that way, allowing other people to help you, and allowing for, you know, I think it's, don't allow great to be the enemy of good. Like if you don't do it the same way, it's still fine. Yes. It's, you know, like, hey, Yes, and that is so me. I have like type A personality, super, like I like to be in control. I like things done a certain way, and I had to just release all of that, which, yeah. In hindsight, if I didn't, I don't think I would have been able to survive. Like it was, it was survival for me. I, I had to relinquish control. And I had to get really clear on the things that I could control and the things that I couldn't. And I, the things that I could control, I would hang on to those. And that actually would give me kind of a sense of purpose and kind of a sense of direction. So I didn't feel like I was just kind of like flailing and just wandering around, lost. But then I had to let go of all the things that I couldn't control. And that is so much harder than it seems. But that was, I needed to do that for survival. Did you ever have moments where you questioned your parenting? Like, am I good enough? Because you're a sandwich. At this point, your caregiver for your husband, you're still the mama. Am I, you know, am I doing a good job? Did you ever those moments of doubt? Like, I'm not at the connection with my boys. I don't feel like I'm giving them enough attention. Somebody else is like, I don't know. I'm just throwing these things out there. Did you ever have those moments that's a mama? Absolutely. And I still do. I still do. I still feel like I am maybe not enough. Or, you know, I'm failing them in some way. And when my husband was sick, if it didn't deal with life or death, it was very low on my priority list because my husband was dying. And the medical care system as great as his doctors and nurses were, we were in the middle of COVID. So everything was kind of like the nurses had too many patients. And, you know, the doctors were overtired. And everything was just stretched. And so I had to, I felt like I needed to be there. I couldn't be there 24/7 because they wouldn't let me because of the COVID hours. But as long as I could be there, I felt like I needed to be there. And when I wasn't there, I was constantly checking his labs on the patient portal. And I was calling the nurses and saying, did you check his blood sugar? Did he get his insulin? Like, you know, all these things because I didn't feel like he was getting the care that he needed. And so I really, really, really had to advocate for him. And so obviously there's only so much energy I can expend in a day. And so of course my boys kind of, you know, got shafted. They were just kind of got whatever was left over, which wasn't a whole lot. And the doctors and nurses used to ask me because I was always at the hospital. Who's at home with your kids? And I'd be like, oh, it's like Lord of the flies in my house. They're just cut. They didn't care themselves, which they weren't. You know, Collins, mom was flying in and out. My mom was flying in and out. We had neighbors and friends that were checking in, bringing them dinners. They weren't completely alone. But I mean sometimes I've come home and I'd be like, oh wow, it is like Lord of the flies here. It's like these poor kids are just, they're just kind of flailing on their own. So yeah, there was a lot, a lot of just kind of beating myself up and doubt. And I still, I still do that today. I'm going to take a break real quick because we're going to come back. I appreciate the Lord of the flies reference. But I mean, it doesn't mean that it's a CPS complaint though either. So I'm going to help them. No, they were well cared. They were still taking care of. Yes, I'm going to qualify that because we're doing a caregiving youth series right now. And you can, your oldest son I would say was probably caring for the youngers. And they were taking care of them. He was 16. You know what I took care of us at 10 and we turned out fine. So we'll be right back. Did you love to listen to podcast? So do we. And these sisters are excited to support our fellow sister in care, Nicole Will, host of "Mavigating the World with Your Aging Loved One." As former guests ourselves, we love how Nicole explores the world of aging and care. Beyond the informative interviews, Nicole's gathered helpful resources and practical tools that encourage and get hope to caregivers, navigating your aging journey with their loved ones for a more meaningful and fulfilled life. You can find Nicole wherever you download your favorite podcast or go to her website www.WillGather.com[Music] Hey everybody, so we're back here with Kelsey J. and we have gotten to the point where she is, she's realizing that she's doing the best she can, I guess is the way as I listen to it, her boys are home. Kelsey, I want to talk about 559 days because you point that out in your, in your bio and a book that you wrote, "A Million Miracles and the One That Never Came." I want to talk about the top and I want to talk about calling your best friend and how you dealt with this time that you have left and gaining peace and getting to where you are today. Yes, so in my book, "A Million Miracles and the One That Never Came," I talked earlier about looking for the light. And the light are those miracles and there were so many miracles along the way that happened and in my book I journal about those miracles, I journal about our struggles. In my book, I, the book starts on day one, which was January 2nd, 2021, and the book goes through those 550, 559 days that he battled leukemia and then it goes to a little bit after that in our life, after, after loss. But he, my husband is so amazing that he was uplifting and inspiring every single person that came into his room. He was the light in the darkness, so many of the days. And it wasn't unusual for a doctor or a nurse or a janitor or the person that brought in the food. I mean, he knew everybody's name. He knew they're about their family. He knew their likes and dislikes. He took the time on his, when he was feeling horrible. He took the time to get to know other people. And that just gives you a little bit of an idea of the kind of person that he is. And so those entire 550, eight days, I'll say 558, he was convinced that he was going to beat this and that he was going to get that final miracle that we prayed so fervently for. And it wasn't until day 558 when the doctors came in and said, I'm so sorry, there's nothing more that we can do. It wasn't until that day that he finally was like, okay, there's no more hope. And he wasn't scared. He was sad because he didn't want to leave us. And I know he was worried. I know he was worried about how we were going to be after he was gone. And I promised him on day 559 hours before he passed. I promised him that we would be okay. And I didn't know at that time that I was going to be able to keep that promise. I didn't know how I was going to keep that promise. But I knew he needed to hear it. And I know I needed to hear it too. And as caregivers, we need to serve as compassionate witnesses to our loved ones. And if you think of a child who falls down and gets hurt, their first instinct is to look at their caregiver to gauge the severity of the situation through the adult's reaction. And our presence and composure convey a powerful message. And so I, that was the last gift I could give to him, was to be compassionately witnessing of him and his situation and his pain and state calm in the face of suffering. And silently communicate, I see your pain. And I'm here for you. And you're going to be able to do this. And we are going to be able to do this. And we'll be okay. And so cancer had taken so much from me. And you know, I experienced so much grief when my boys got in their accident and the brain tumor and then with his diagnosis and the 559 days that he thought there were so much grief. But after he died, it was a new level of grief. And I could have easily again, like after his diagnosis got sucked into that. But cancer taken so much already that I refused to let it take anymore. And my husband Colin, he deserves to have his legacy be so much more than that his death broke me. And so that is my motivation. That is my passion. And that is the gift that I want to give to the world as a grief coach, to help others who are suffering from loss, to show them that you don't have to stay in the darkness. Your life doesn't have to be black and white from now on. You can bring back the color and the light. Oh, that just Kelsey, that touches my heart. I like that. You can bring back the color. That resonates with me because life feels very black and white when you're in a state of crisis. And you can't almost you can't see around you. You can't see color. It just feels very dark. And I love that. I think that it, you know, we always wonder why God gives us these, why does God give us these things in our lives? Why take my husband? Why take someone so wonderful? Why, you know, he was a good person. None of us are perfect, but he was a good person. And but I mean, it's, I have to think, you know, you've taken something and you're helping so many more people. I just, I just can't say how important that is because somebody needed to hear today. You can see color again. You really can. And I know it seems when you're in the thick of it, it seems like that's impossible. And well, maybe that works for you, but my loss is different. It's not going to work for me. And everybody's loss is different, but you get to decide if it's, if you're going to bring the color back or not, it's not going to passively happen. You have to actively work and seek it out. And if you don't know how to do it, I can show you how. I'm just, I'm jotting, I have so many people, I look down, I say, Jay, Jay, now look down, Kelsey. And I'm just jotting down so many like nuggets of wisdom. I don't have to ask you what your tips are. I don't have to ask you how to do survive. I mean, you just, in, in your story, you're like, it's this shameless, un, unashamed, unashamed honesty is, which is, it's so hard for caregivers, I think, is to be unashamed and be vulnerable and to say I need help and to allow the village to surround you uncomfortably surround you is what I heard you say. Almost like, I don't want to, but, and know that, and allow, and you allowed your children to step up. It is a reflection of your, your, your, your in Collins parenting and the village that love them too. I think they're going to be probably pretty amazing little humans. They are pretty amazing. Sometimes they drive peanuts. Exactly. Look, they're supposed to, they're boys or girls. I probably drive them nuts sometimes too. So, it's okay, it's, it's a, it's a well, it's a well balanced, it's a well balanced relationship. You know what I love that. I'm going to ask, I'm going to use my question, because I know we have a question. You have to ask these questions. I know. I'm going to use my to ask a tip question, but we have a lot of people that listen, that have kids like you do, and they are saying, they do the best they can. They're doing the best they can, but there's guilt, they're being a caregiver, but they have guilt or they're not taking care of their kids well enough or what advice would you give a parent that is, that is taking care of their own parents or someone else and have children. What advice would you give to them? I would say, and this is really hard to do, especially as parents, but you have to fill your own cup first because you want to be the best version you could possibly be for your kids. So, not in spite of your kids, you're not pushing your kids' needs away, but you're putting your needs first so that you can then tend to your children's needs. That's good. That's sage words of wisdom. Because they, I mean, think about the airplane, they say if you have a cure, exactly. Exactly. Put your, put your, ask your mask on first so that you can take care of the little one. Exactly. So telling you, we need like an airline to sponsor us, but you give us all kinds of free oxygen masks because that's what we should give away. You know, I've got my last question, my last question for you. And this is a selfish question because I think this is important. I always like to end on this one is, what is your favorite guilty pleasure? What is the thing that you do for yourself? And because it goes into what you said, fill your cup first. What is the thing that you do for yourself that you're like that is the thing I love to do? I get it to our massage at least once a month. I support you. Great thing. I support that. I support that in so many ways. Oh, thank God. I'm thinking about the Norwegian cruise that we're doing and we're going to do. I'm getting a massage. I might get a massage every day just for good measure. Just saying that. I mean, I wouldn't advise against it. I have a cure. Yes, I have a two hour massage scheduled tomorrow. Oh, so I'm looking forward to that timely girl time. I have to say that I have learned a lot, but you saying that you have to actively look for the lights is something that those, that is what I take with me today, that I have to work on bringing that color because sometimes it's hard. And I know for listeners, it's it's hard to it's really hard, but that that is like something that you put on a stick. You know, every day you say, I'm actively looking for the light today. I'm going to look for the good because you can't. There's there's stuff that can drag you down, but you just actively look for it. You find the joy, I guess is I have a yes, you got to find the joy. Choose your joy. I choose joy. And we're not finding the joy to try to like dismiss the pain. Absolutely. Like it's it's it's they can the grief and the sorrow and the pain. Co can coexist with the joy and the happiness. And I will tell you this, the more it's like a practice. So the more you look for the light, the easier it becomes to recognize the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more light you'll see. And this translates Kelsey to a lot of things. This is not just if you're a caregiver. This translates to all aspects of your life. When you're struggling and you're having a hard time, rather it's at work or whether it's with you're in an argument or you're you're it's something that challenges you that faces you that really kind of puts you at this crossword of is it going to crumble me or am I going to thrive? And how do I and and that's how you build resilience. You build your own resilience through the hard and you're right. The more you look for the light, I think the more that you're able to say, okay, I can manage this hard thing and both things can be true. Exactly. I can I can be happy and I can be not happy about the situation. Exactly. Exactly. And gosh, Kelsey, I love you. I'm so glad. You are meant to come to Hey, I love you for being here on my birthday. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm here to be here on your birthday. Thank you for spending your birthday with me. Every time every year we'll make it like an annual retreat. Like oh, Kelsey's back. It's Jayde's birthday. We're having Kelsey back. Let's talk about it. Perfect. I'm in love it. I love it. All right. Well, guys, thank you so much. Kelsey, thank you for coming on and guys until we confess again, we will see you next time. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Again, thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confession's podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find the video recording of all of our episodes on the confession's website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry. All the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk to the climbers. You may be surprised to find out, but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a Reluctant Care giver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are there's alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC. Thank you for listening to the Confessions of a Reluctant Care giver podcast.