The Millennial Caregiver: Balancing Dreams and Responsibilities

Angelena Taylor's caregiving journey began quite unexpectedly at the age of 28 when her father, Benjamin, experienced a stroke. This event marked the start of her role as a caregiver, which she took on with dedication and focus. As a daughter and military caregiver, Angelena balanced her responsibilities with her Miss USA World Universal Ambassador title, using each role to support the other.

Early on, Angelena faced skepticism from medical professionals who doubted her capability. However, she quickly proved them wrong by advocating strongly for her father's care, ensuring he received the treatment she believed was best. Her father's recovery became a central part of her life, and Angelena managed the ups and downs with determination. She navigated through the medical system, learning and adapting along the way to ensure that her father received the best possible care.

Angelena didn't set aside her dreams and goals even with her caregiving duties. She pursued her aspirations in pageantry, seeing it as an opportunity to raise awareness about the challenges and needs of military caregivers. Her role as Miss USA World Universal Ambassador allowed her to speak out on these issues, bringing them to a broader audience and creating a platform for others in similar positions to feel seen and heard.

Angelena's commitment to her father and advocacy work reminds her of the strength and dedication required in caregiving roles. Her journey is not just about overcoming obstacles but also about finding balance and purpose. Her story encourages others who are navigating similar paths, showing that it's possible to manage caregiving duties while pursuing personal goals with determination and support.

About Angelena:

Angelena Taylor is a proud daughter, military caregiver, cat mom, world traveler, and reigning Ms. USA World Universal Ambassador. A native of Detroit, Michigan, Angelena works part-time as a behavior analyst. Still, her most prominent and favorite role to date has been as a caregiver for over 8 years to her father, Benjamin, who is a stroke survivor and veteran. Becoming a caregiver at the age of 28 without much assistance or support birthed Angelena's passion for advocating for her fellow caregivers and restructuring the care infrastructure. She has been heavily involved as a fellow with organizations such as Caring Across Generations and The Elizabeth Dole Foundation, where she has connected with hundreds of other caregivers, collaborated with elected officials, and more. Featured in The New York Times and on The Tamron Hall Show, Angelena’s story is one of 53 million caregivers (and an estimated 5.5 million military caregivers) in the USA with the special redemption song of winning the prestigious title of Ms. USA Ambassador 2023. Angelena created Crown the Caregiver as a platform of awareness and advocacy in the caregiving community and plans to launch services as a Certified Caregiving Specialist in the near future

Transcript

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Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters here with the confessions of her electing caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources and, of course, laugh. Today's episode is part of our special series, heroes caring for heroes. We're partnering with the Fisher House Foundation to highlight our brothers and sisters in care who are courageously sharing their caregiving journey for both seen and unseen scars of military life and war. Now let's jump right in to today's hero confession, why are you touching me? Because we're together again. Oh my gosh. You know, everybody's gonna be like, Yeah, we get it. You're together. It's so much fun that we're recording in the studio together, I know. And that's I mean, we have had so much fun for all of our listeners. We're recording at PBS in Roanoke, Virginia, and we love our friends here, because little did they know that we went and took photos with Big Bird and Cookie Monster. I know we sneak around the studio. They're never going to let us in early again, I think some of the people. So here's the thing, for some of the folks who don't know what PBS who are listening to us in other countries, it's our public broadcasting network and so lots of educational, good stuff. And so it's very Sesame Street is from Sesame Street is from PBS, I know. So, okay, we're done, moving on. All right, so, but we're here today to talk about heroes, caring for heroes. And this is our special series that recognizes our active duty and fetching caregivers. And they are absolutely heroes too, because they're taking care of our heroes. They are. And I love them, I know. And we are very fortunate Natalie, because we have amazing sponsors for this series. We have CVS Health, and we have tena, the number one adult incontinence brand in the world. They are also sponsoring us, and we have care forward. So we are just, I'm ready to get started. You know? I'm also grateful to Fisher House. Stop Fisher, I can't even we have so many people this year, and we've just been really blessed to be able to bring this. But you know what we have? We have an amazing guest today, and she's beautiful. She is unbelievably pretty. I mean, we don't tell the guys that when they come on. No, no, we didn't. But, you know, we've had Quinn on, we've recorded that. You tell people we've recorded we're like, Oh my gosh. So we don't like to play favorites, but we're like, oh, Quinn's beautiful. And then yesterday, Kristen was there, and she was beautiful. And now we have another beautiful person I know. And I think what it is is that not only do they have outward beauty, but the inward beauty. It shines, oh, shines right through. So let's Angelina is like, let's talk about it. Talk about my beauty Ness. No, I know. Let's, let's, you know what? Let's talk about Angelina Taylor. I am ready. Natalie, so today we have Angelina Taylor with us, and get ready guys. She is, she says she's a proud daughter. She is a cat mom, she is a world traveler, and she is the reigning Miss USA, world universal ambassador, and she's a military caregiver. She works part time as a behavioral analyst, but her most prominent and favorite role to date is caregiver to her father, Benjamin, who is a stroke survivor. She was 28 when she started, when this unexpected crisis happened with her dad. And she has heard a lot of things, which I really find, I don't know, maybe impressive, slash discouraging. The discharging physical therapist for her dad told her that they weren't going to show her how to transfer her dad because she was too young and too little. Dude, you can't give away all the stuff. Well, I know, but I'm going to tell a little bit more. And the social worker that discharged him, they didn't really help her much, so she hadn't had a lot of help. So she's blurry because I'm a social worker and I'm like, Dude, we're going to talk about it. But here's the deal with that. Here's the deal. They face all kinds of challenges over the years, but she says, here we are 10 years later, and they are thriving. She's gonna tell you how you know what she's got the secrets. I don't let too much out. No, you didn't get ready secret sauce. You're gonna tell us all about it. Angelina. Angelina, I need like, clappers. I need like, like clap. We're gonna get applause. We're gonna get background applause. Angelina, I bought like, the applause button that gets flashes so our not studio audience can yell. Thank you so much for being here with us. Thank you for having me. So I always like to say, start from the beginning, because that's where we start from. So you were born. But give us some background about childhood and growing up, and you get, you're gonna, you're gonna come up and work your way up to you get the call, because everybody normally gets the call, right? So tell us a little bit about yourself. Your background? Yeah, absolutely. So I was born and raised in Detroit. My. Again, we're still here. Now I am the only child biologically for my dad, but I'm the youngest of seven from my mom, so he's a step to six before I came along and surprised everybody. Oh, you were you said, were you? Oopsie, no, my mom was 40 and my dad was 37 and I just turned 37 so I, like, your mom was a cougar too. She's like, I'm gonna date a younger guy. Yeah, I work beautifully for them. They were, oh my gosh. They were together for decades before my mom passed away. So she passed away, unfortunately, the lung cancer when I was 17, so a few months shy of me graduating from high school. So after that, it was pretty much just me and my dad after that. So childhood was, you know, typical childhood growing up here, mostly closer to my nieces and nephews, because they were all closer in age with me, but I never imagined having older parents will be to losing one so soon and then having to take care of one later on in life, at least both soon. No, you know, I think this is interesting. I know this is about our military series. We're going to get there, but you mentioned that your mom passed of lung cancer, and so did you take on because we just finished a youth caregiving series, yeah, and so and talk to youth of all ages about caring for their loved ones, whether it's a grandparent, a parent, a sibling. Were you? Did you provide care for your mom when your mom was sick? I did. I didn't really give it a second thought then, but the older I got, and then I got, and then I started taking care of my dad. I'm like, Man, I was doing this caregiving thing, you know, earlier on, but didn't really recognize it. A lot of it wasn't completely hands on, because I was so young, but there were days where I would help get her dressed and get her ready, or help her brush her hair, make sure that she was eating, because she didn't have appetite. A lot of times from the chemo that she was having. So in essence, yeah, we were, I was a little young helper, a little caregiver. Then, yeah, and, you know, that's totally normal. I think the things that you describe are things that that, I think this is why it's so hard for caregivers to self identify, especially caregiving youth, yeah? Because they think, Oh, well, yeah, I might help my mom, if, you know, brush her hair. I might help make sure she's eating some things. But you don't really take on that as a role, because you're like a child, yeah, this is what I do. So you're so you graduate from high school and go to college and yeah, now, before we go to college, your dad, before you were born, he served Correct. Yes, he's United States Marine Corps veterans. Oh my gosh. He's, if you've ever met other Marines, he's definitely he still embodies a lot of that, you know, warrior spirit that they have. He, you know, military all day. His career was in law enforcement too. So got a lot of routine and structure from him. Oh, okay, I think that's pretty magical. So how long was he in? How long was he in the Marines? He did, I believe he did two then you did too active to reserve. Trying to get that information after his stroke is kind of, I wish I would have paid more attention before he got his stroke, because we would talk about a lot of things, but things come a lot blurry after having a stroke. So I believe it was too reserved to active years. So was it? So four years in total is how long he was probably in the military and then transitioned to her, yeah, yes, yeah. His Vietnam era, he did not get deployed over to the service area. I know they make a distinction between Vietnam era and those that were actually deployed and served over in that area. His favorite stories are telling me from his deployment in Cuba. So I get to talk about Cuba a lot. Oh, I bet that was interesting. So so you're because I wanted to kind of preface this, so your dad, not only I get a sense of his personality, is your traditional military, your dad was police, so he he likes structure. And I would say, and that sort of thing, okay? So because I would say that probably impacts, like, one, it impacted how you were raised, but it also impacts your relationship now, like how you care and how you have to care. Is that? Yeah, little structure, okay, I think we'll get to that. What was your English take care for in a certain structured way so you graduate from high school, you go into college, and so keep, let's keep going. Let's, let's keep moving through until you get that call. Yeah, so I graduated from high school. It's a very challenging senior year. Of course, went to college and then, like. Grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer as well. So his mother, he was caring for my mom until she passed, and then he transitioned into his caregiver role, taking care of my grandmother. She ended up in she was in a nursing facility, but we go visit, make sure she was going to appointments and things like that. But he cared for from a distance before she went to her facility before she passed. So I'm starting out undergrad dealing with another, you know, essential care crisis, making sure grandma is okay, and then she passed. The beginning of my second semester in college. I was able to get through the rest of undergrad. I took a pause. Wasn't really sure where I wanted to go with it. My bachelor's degree is in psychology. I started out in engineering, so I've kind of like been all over the place. I don't know if anybody knows that. The general statistic is that the average student changes their major at least seven times before they graduate. Oh well, yeah, they changed their majors a lot. Apparently, I was like, Oh my gosh. This is so endearing and so helpful to know, because I felt like I was a failure because I kept, oh, but I settled with psychology. We were a big household, big on, you know, behavior and psychology and stuff. I got that from him. He's his associates in psychology. So everything I've kind of gotten from him and learned, and everything you know, comes from, you know, the foundation he laid here, but my interest in psychology led me to want to pursue that. But trying to get into clinical psychology, there's a certain path that you have to take with it. So did some reassessment. I ended up learning about applied behavior analysis and what that treatment applies to kids on the autism spectrum, because at the time, I was working as a after school mentor for kids, tutor for kids, and one of our kids had autism, and it was like, oh my goodness, how do we help them learn? How do we, you know, make this so it works for him, because they don't learn the same way that neurotypical kids do, and we want to make it, you know, fitting the services and stuff we were offering for him, and learning from about ABA there is what led me to pursue my master's degree. So fast forward to me doing my master's program in 2015 I was ready, ready to take on the world. The program was only supposed to be a year, and I think a year and a half. So I was, you know, thinking, Oh, this is gonna go back quickly. And midterms hit October, and I was actually on my way from my job as a registered behavior technician. And typical day, you know me living here at home with that he's like, as long as you're in school, whatnot, working, you can stay here, don't I like that. I do too. I love that free housing. I wish. I wish that was the case for all people and and their kids. A lot of people don't do that for their kids. So, like, 18 get out. You know, my dad's like that. But he's like, you know, you can stay here as long as you're working and in school and whatnot. And he was doing a lot, taking my aunt, his sister. They were really close, taking him to him from her appointments. And I remember seeing him earlier that morning, and it was, oh my gosh, it was early. I think she had a very early appointment, like six or something was so she borrowed that term, oh, sorry, yes, he was retired. Okay, all right. I was like, okay, but he's okay. So he's retired. Okay, okay, yeah, sorry. I skipped over the whole part of him retiring. So his first retirement came when I was headed to high school, and he started his second career while I was in high school, which was fun because it was the public schools police department, so I got to see him at all the games and all sorts of stuff when schools are going to lied to it, yeah. What's funny, though, is I'm like, Good move, dad, because you worked your way into your high school as a as honestly, it's a resource officer, is what we call it here in Virginia, and they're the officer that's on site at the schools. And so he could keep an eye on any of the boys, I'm assuming, know who your friends are. He knew every he knew that's what I thought fifth graders. He knew some of my classmates actually their parents worked with him. So he had tabs on, like, all the guys who, like, worked, you know, the kids that worked with him and stuff like that. And it's like, oh my gosh, that's so embarrassing. So but yeah, he he knew a lot. He worked with Detroit police department for over almost 30 years. He is with ups for a good, I think 10 years or so, and then he's like, I know I'm gonna sit and retire, but he was still doing a lot helping my aunt and whatnot. So that morning, he got up super early to take her to the doctor. He had complained of a really bad headache the night before, and I told him, you know you need to chill out, like, enjoy your retirement. I know you like helping family and helping everything else, but you need to take care of you. You need to enjoy your retirement. And he's like, Well, I'll go to the doctor. I'll do this. But, you know, I had, I still have to take her here. I have to do this, do that. So we kind of go back and forth, because I'm the proponent for self care. And like, Hey, you gotta, you can't take care of everybody else if you're not taking care but he got up there. Morning left out before I got to work, and then I usually would get off about, like, four, 430 and I called him because I wanted to know what she wanted me to make for dinner. I'm like, you know, hey, what? What would you like? You didn't tell me. He didn't answer the phone. And normally he's, he answers the phone really quickly or whatnot, and I had to call him about three different times before I hit home. So my first stop, and it was almost like an intuitive thing, or kind of like divine intervention, I stopped at the first store because I was going to pick up some stuff from my kiddos. I used to like buying, like little toys and reinforcers and stuff for my kids. Um, stopped there, didn't really see anything, and that kind of like, turned went in, didn't really see a lot. I'm like, You know what? I don't feel like I have cramps today. I need to go a bit sorry about seeing my vote. Like I don't feel good. I know why. I'm going to get chocolate. I'm sorry. We got you girl I got you. Welcome to girlhood. Oh yeah, nope. I need to go home and sit because I'm not feeling it. I need to just go home. So I went to Kroger, and then I called and he didn't answer. And I was like, I'm not about to do all this grocery shopping, and he's not answering the phone because he's picky too. He's still a picky eater. So I was like, He's not answering the phone. I don't want to pick something up that he doesn't want and have to hear his mouth about it. So free. I decided to go home. I decided to go home, and I was like, oh, we'll deal with it when I get home. I get there, get the mail. I'm sorry in the mail. I come back to his room, and he looks like he's sleeping. And so I'm like, Oh, they're gonna disturb him. Just set his nail down. And then I kind of feel, I hear, like a little wrestling in the bed, like the blankets or whatever. And I'm like, Oh, he's, you know, he's awake. Sorry, didn't mean to wake you. I didn't even look at him at that point. I'm just like, was turning around, like, Okay, go back to sleep. We'll talk about dinner when you get up. And he didn't say anything. And I could see his eyes opened up, so, you know, sitting there just chatting with them, not really taking in everything else that was going around, and he wasn't responsive to me, and I'm thinking, okay, he's messing with me, because my dad's a big jokester, too. That's one thing that, you know, keeps us going, the jokes and the, you know, little banter and stuff. So I was thinking he was just messing around with me. And I get closer, and I'm like, Hey, stop messing around. I don't feel good. I want to know what you want for dinner so I can get this up, at least I can go rest and I want to touch him. And normally, you know, he's all again, playful, and you know, he'll kind of, like, push me away, poke at me or whatever. He didn't do that. Instead, he grabbed my hand, and he squeezed my hand, and when I looked, you know, a little bit better because the lights were off in there, looked a little bit better, because the side of his face was a little bit droopy. He wasn't talking those classic signs of a stroke, that term. He had just went over our first aid refresher at work, and that was like, fast face, you know, arm. Face, arm. You know the slur. Well. He hadn't said anything yet, but, you know, you know, slur. And then it's like, time to call. So I called 911, I'm like, I think my dad just had, you know, he's had a stroke. I just got home, so they wanted me to move him from the bed to the floor. And I was like, okay, that doesn't make sense. But I also can't do that because he's in a platform bed, and he's probably, like, 200 plus pounds at that point, so, like, that's not gonna have it interesting that they told you to move your dad to the bed from to the floor. And I thought, yeah, all emergency personnel services are like, don't move the person. Like, yeah, that was very weird, too. So I was kind of like, you know, I'm not gonna do that. He seems like he's okay. Where he's at and the bed's high, we're not I'm not touching them. Just get here. So they got there, and they were like, yeah, good call on the stroke. He, you know, seems like he has all those symptoms. We're going to get him to the hospital. I asked him to take him to the hospital where he normally gets serviced, which his doctors and everything were there. I hope at some point, care gets to the point where there's like a EHR system where everything is cross connected despite what hospital whatever you have to go to, because at that point, if you were going to different hospitals and stuff, they didn't communicate with each other. So this doctor could put you on a completely different list of medications, or you're doing different so I was like, no, please take him to where his doctor is, because I want them to, you know, see what's happening here, and then, if someone else has to take over, fine, but this is where he gets his care. The EMS workers were so helpful. I was so grateful for that. They did take him because the protocol is to go to the nearest Yeah, both are close, but the other one is probably maybe a second closer than the other one is. And you're like, we typically would have to take him there, but in our city, that hospital means death. And I'm like, he's not going to that hospital take him to where I actually take him to. Uh, wait seven second. I'm going to hold that pause because I gotta take a break. I gotta take a break, um, because we're going to come right back. I know I'm like, in a. She's like, wait a second, story. All right, we'll be right back. Hey, ladies, I need to interrupt for just a second to share about the sisterhood membership. It's basically a sale every day, and the best part, it's free. Here's the details. We're partnering with our friends at benefit hub and other care partners to save you money with over 200,000 participating companies across the US and abroad, you'll find discounts at your favorite local stores, huge savings on vacations, amazing deals on home auto and supplemental insurances and everything in between. Go to Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com. To sign up and then definitely tell your friends about it. They can join too. Trust me, there's a discount for everyone, and don't forget, it's free. Okay, back to confessing you. Okay, everybody. We're back here with Angelina, and she has found her father, and he has had his stroke. They EMS has come, and they have taken him to the hospital that she has directed them him to take her to them, him together. Yes. Smart move, caregiver in action that says this is the path we are going. So tell us what happened well, and I will say this, this is important to know, because I was going to take a breath and say, you're 28 years old, and your dad is 65 so her dad is, is, is still a pup, and he's a he's a young retired pup, because he served a lot and did what he did, but the fact that you have care in your background to say, I'm going to not, I'm going to advocate, you are advocating right from the get go, so I wanted to just make sure we knew that, because you're a young caregiver at this point, then being thrust into the middle of Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah. So from there, we got him to the hospital, and the doctors tell us that he did, in fact, suffer a hemorrhagic stroke. He had a brain bleed. So once they, you know, they were seeing him in the back, had different family members, and my boyfriend at the time, came up there, and they were telling us, you know, well, it's great that she was able to catch this, because had she not come home any sooner or you know, anything else he may not have made it. Um, so that was the fact that, you know, it was close enough that he was able to get there and get care, made a huge difference. Because a lot of times, people either not know that they've had a stroke and don't have anybody around, and then, you know, they either pass from it or it suffer even worse, you know, long term effects after it. So they were able to stabilize him. They contain, you know, the brain bleed and whatnot, and he's in the hospital, which seemed like forever from there, I had arranged with my job to, kind of, like, navigate my schedule. They already made the poor decision to move me from full time to part time when I started school, which I didn't really need to, but for whatever reason, they decided to move me to part time. So from there I was, felt like I was even less than part time there, because they're like, Oh, well, you know, you can't really be on the schedule with this, this that and other that led to an issue with FMLA that I'll get to in a little bit. But so I was working, I would, you know, go to work in the mornings, go see him on my way to work and stuff like that, and just kind of keep that cycle going a bit. My one of my older sisters would come in, my brother would come in. A lot of people would come visit him while I wasn't there. I took some days off when I could my professors were very understanding, which I was worried about, because I'm like, do I drop out? Do I put school on pause? Like, what do I do? Well? And that's what I was getting ready to say, you are working, regardless of the amount of time you are, you living at home, and you're caring for your dad to some extent, and it's probably more than 40 hours a week, so that's a full time job. You are going to school, right? You're halfway through your masters. And, oh, did you want to have a social life? Because I'm assuming you didn't want one of those either, but she had a boyfriend. So she did have a boyfriend. So, so, I mean, I'm thinking like, you got a lot going on, and you're 28 years old, and, and so I do want to pause for a second and ask, because you put in your you put in what JJ had mentioned was when your dad discharged home and they didn't give you great instructions. I know you're a small person. You're not like big like me, like 510 you are. And so that's interesting. So tell us a little bit about what happened there. Yeah, so I'm a little bit of a little patient. My mama was little. She was like 411 so I got in between height, between the two of them and five two. And then I was a little, I think a little bit closer to 120 COVID. Thank you for my. Sure fluff you know what? Fluffiness is beautiful. So really, I love it, girl, I love it. I'm embracing it, um, but yeah, I was probably little bit under 120 closer to 120 then. So everybody and I apparently have a baby face. So everybody assumed that was under 28 they did not know that I was close to 30. They're just like, Oh, sweetie, your kid, like, shouldn't she be in school? Or where my sister had to, like, go off on one of the nurses one day because she was, like, you keep talking to her like she's driving a grown woman. Yeah, and it got real bad at one point, but yeah, the social worker discharged him while I was at work, she didn't call me, she didn't say, you know, hey, he's up for discharge or he's doing better. Didn't tell me any, any of that I get there to the rehab place that he was at this the second one, because the first one, I had to pull him out because they messed up big time. I could go back to that if you want me to. But so they were discharging him, and the letter was like, at the foot of his bed, and he was like, upset, and I was like, what's wrong? And he's like, you know, as best as he could, because he still had a bit of a issue with his speech. He lost his speech initially, but was regaining it. But he's like, they're sending me home. I can't go home and stuff like that. And I'm like, you can, but they have to tell me, you know, they have to tell me what's going on. We don't have wheelchair ramp, we don't have, like, any of the things in place to get you in the house and you tell me I have to take him home tomorrow. That made no sense to me, so I hunted down every single person that I could before the night was up, because people were leaving for like, you know, glorious, five o'clock, 6pm whatever time if they go home. So I was like, Um, no, we need to figure this out, because he can't come home tomorrow. As much as I would love that we don't have a wheelchair ramp. We don't have any of the things I'm sure we would need at home. So they were able to, I think, get an additional I don't think it was. It may have been, like, a week, I can't remember, but I know I had to, like, really think on my feet to get, like, someone out there to get a wheelchair ramp. I think, wow, my gosh. I can't think of the name of the place. I was gonna give them a little shout out, but they were really on it. It's like, as soon as I called, they're like, We can come out tomorrow and saw the ramp. You can do installment payments. You all have to do easy ramp place. Yeah, yeah. It was really, it was really quick and very efficient. So I was grateful for that. So I was able to get that set up. The social worker went through all the things that she was ordering for us, and she's like, you know, will you, you'll probably need a lawyer lift, you'll probably need wheelchair, or, yeah, wheelchair, and then meant the hospital bed. So she went through the list of all things they were ordering, different follow up instructions for home, OT, PT, so it was a lot that was being thrown at me, and the reasoning that his PT, at the location gave for not showing me how to care for him and transfer was that, you know, me being smaller, she's like, you're not going to be able to do this. And the assumption was you're gonna have somebody hired to come in to take care of him. And I'm like, as glorious as that is, yes, I will. I will want to have somebody come and help. That's the idea. Yeah. But I still need to know if it's just me and him there, like they're gonna live with us. So I would still need to know, you know, if I have to get him in and out of bronchi that, um, which they did not show I didn't learn any of that until the in home company that came to take, you know, to provide his services came his ot showed me what to do. You know, I think that's so interesting, um, because so I have a the couple things that I heard you say. One, I heard you say that the social worker from the hospital helped with ordering certain types of medical devices. So you'll need this, this, this, and so that those are things and those are things that a physician has to order. So just for our listeners, so that you know that those are things a physician orders, so your health insurance plate pays for it. Did you ever have because you're I'm assuming your dad has, does he have VA benefits, or does he have other benefits as his health plan? Yeah, other benefits I didn't find out till later, like, what he was able to qualify for or use for his VA benefits? Yeah? Um, there was a good period where, where a lot of veterans weren't take they weren't taking use of those benefits, because it's such a tedious process for them to get anything, and so they either completely give up on it or feel like they're not going to get what they need. So he wasn't using it at the time, so I had to do, I think maybe a few months after he came home, we were able to finally get everything set up. So and I do want to ask, so I didn't know how much his health plan if they reached out to you because he's a stroke victim, and these are things that we're advocating for with the health plans, because, hi, these, these kind of folks are going to end up needing a lot of care, and they're typically given a care coordinator. Did anybody call you from there to say, hey, we can help you. And because, if you were saying because they're going to see they got an extra seven days on the bill. And. And I'm assuming you did the ramp yourself. You found the people to do the ramp. Yeah, did you pay for the ramp? I heard you say they offered installment payment. Did? Yeah, we did. And a lot of that I didn't know at the time. So it's like, he's probably passed way past reimbursement time for that. I think those are, like a couple of $1,000 but over time, it's like, okay, we only pay like, 100 a month, or something like that. It, you know, it's paid for now, but I don't think we were aware of that. Then. There was a lot that I didn't know. A lot of questions I didn't know to ask. I had other cousins and friends that were veterans or worked at the VA that were kind of guiding me like you need to, you know, call and find his card and ask these questions, but because he doesn't have a service connection, also, there's a lot that he he doesn't have a service connected disability. There's a lot that he doesn't he didn't qualify for then, and he doesn't qualify for now. So I'm going to back up just a second, because at the time of at the time that they picked him up and he's put into the hospital. Do you have any type of power of attorney in place? And medical power of attorney? What does decision making look like? Because Are you prepared? So what are they didn't call her because, you know, are you the person who's his decision maker? And do you see what I mean? Yeah, and none of that. I knew nothing about that at the time. I think they asked those questions while we were there. So it was a lot where they really didn't make it difficult as far as decision making, because he had to get a PEG tube at one point because he couldn't swallow and talk and stuff, and that was a difficult decision because I didn't know what a peg to, you know, surgery looked like it, right? You know, very small incision and then inserting that tube and stuff so he can take in liquids and whatnot. But talking to other family members, my aunt rest her soul. Well, she passed last year. She does not she was not a fan of surgery. She wasn't a fan of getting cut and open. We argued soup and nail about whether or not my dad would get this pan surgery. And it was kind of like, well, I'm his daughter, so and the doctors are saying this is essential. This is what he needs for survival. We should probably get it in my I was just like, you know, that's my brother. He's not doing it. We're not unnecessarily cut and open. And I'm like, Okay, this so they basically made the call that, you know, like you're his daughter, you're his next and chin. That's exactly right. That's it. And that's the way it works. I mean, it truly is. You know what, Jay, we got to take a break. Oh, so, gosh, yeah, um, so we gotta take a break, and then we'll be right back, and we're going to talk about Angelina. Let's talk about Angelina. I don't know about you, but my inbox is always cluttered with useless emails. But there's one I always open the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver newsletter. You may say, Natalie, what makes yours so special? Well, I'm biased, but don't just take my word for it. Here's what our subscribers say they love. First, it comes once per month, and you can read it in under five minutes. Next, you'll find amazing tips and resources to use in your everyday life. And who doesn't love a recommendation these sisters do, which is why we share sister approved products and discount links to save you time and money. And, of course, your first to know about the upcoming month's confessions. Just like our show, you're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources. And, of course, laugh. Go to our website, Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com. To sign up for our newsletter today. Okay, everybody, we are back here with Angelina, and we've talked a lot about the situation and the scenario with her dad. Now we're going to talk about Angelina. Let's talk about Angelina. So, I mean, she already said a little family dynamic. There is no definitely not like disagreement. I know about health care, yeah, yeah. So you have prepared yourself for you've gone to school, you've done all this. I want you to tell us what is going on in your mind at that, what is your state of mind about what your future is going to be? Yeah, oh my gosh. There were a lot of thoughts at the time. There's still thoughts now, but I think at the core of everything, it was, what's going to happen to dad? Like, where, where are we going to be with this? Like, what, what does this look like for him? Like, is he ever going to walk again? Is he ever, you know, going to regain speech? And I kind of thought, because he was going to be getting all these services and stuff, it would be a breeze. He was going to get better. He had suffered some, some mysterious illness prior. To maybe, like a year or two before, where he wasn't walking before, and I think it took him maybe, like a month or so. He may have had a minor stroke that they didn't detect, and it it went by really quickly. He regained his walking. So we thought it'd be like that again, where, okay, you're going to do physical therapy at home, you're going to be walking again. But the reality started to kick in, and it's like, you know, I'm taking care of him, but for how long? Because we only kind of assumed it be temporary. So the questions became, you know, how long will this look like this? Will I be able to get someone to come in to, you know, help me, or transition over a long term? He, he didn't want to be in a facility, and I didn't want to put him in a facility. Worked his butt off to, you know, retire twice, be able to own his own own home. Home paid off. He deserved to be here. So, you know, what does that look like? AJ, in place. What does my future look like? Like? You said, I was only 28 so in trying to date, and that crashed and burned, because he wasn't ready for that to be thrown into that middle of all that. So it's like, Will I ever date again? Will I be in a relationship again? Will I get married? Will I have kids? So all these different things are just like, up in the air at that point. Yeah. And so, so fast forward. So you're, you're, I mean, you've been doing this for a number of years, and I think you're almost 10 years in, right, at almost 10 years in, okay? And she still looks 18, so I'm telling you, so in those 10 years, I'm assuming you still live with your dad, right? Yes. Okay, and so what have the 10 years been like? How have you because one of the hardest things we just literally talked about this, one of the hardest things is the to take on that caregiver role and then also still be a daughter. And how do you, how do you keep the balance there? Because your dad probably likes you. Mentioned that he likes his food a certain way. He likes certain things a certain way. And I know you guys have gotten used to each other, but tell us about how you've not only survived but thrived over these 10 years. What are lessons that like you, the 10 year smarter caregiver, would have wished you would have known at 28 even 20 year old, 3031 you like 3233 Yeah. Um, I think first and foremost, I would probably tell my younger self to calm down. Um, it definitely gives you a heightened sense of anxiety as a caregiver. Because you know, from the moment you are you getting that crisis called, or you walk into something you didn't expect? You're kind of like in panic mode. Everything is an urgent need where, you know, I have to do this after that, and I feel like I got a speeding ticket one time because I thought I had to be at home on the.to give him his medicine. And the officer is like, Okay, you're not gonna be able to help him, if you, like, crash or something. So pull it, you know, just calm down. Um, so that sense of urgency, like, everything doesn't have to be on, like the dot where, you know, if he doesn't take his medication at a certain time, he's not going to miraculously die. It's like, it's fine, like it's just good enough, it's good enough. Make it Yeah, like, I know some things are kind of like with different people and situation, it's like, oh, no, you need to take this at a certain time, but you know, you have a window. So that's not everything's not urgent. Don't try to do everything on your own. It's in a fortunate situation that caregivers are in where even if you have extended family members, or you have, like, you know, what typically would be, a close network, you're not always going to get the support that you think that you should be getting. A lot of people don't know how to handle it when it's not them, so they'll say, No, hey, I'm here if you need anything. Or, you know, they'll make all these grand suggestions or whatnot, but at the end of the day, there's no action behind it. A lot of people say things because it sounds nice. So I wouldn't, as a young caregiver, don't expect to take people at face value for what they say. Look at what they're doing. My aunt, even though she gave me so much hell in the hospital when he was, you know, getting that peg too. She did a lot, even though she was dealing with their own illnesses. She cook. She would say, hey, come pick this up. Or, you know, your cousin's gonna come drop this off for you guys. Um, so that involvement, like, regardless of what's going on, I get other family members that are like, I got XYZ going on. That's fair. Yeah, everyone has a life, and you have stuff going on, but at the end of the day, if you want to help out the care person in your life, you'll still make it happen in a way or the other. So just realize, like, who in your network you can rely on. Don't be ashamed if you need to ask them for stuff. I don't really ask people for. Lot because of those no's that I've gotten earlier on, or those kind of, like, you know, they drop out of your life type of thing. But I would definitely encourage the unearthed caregiver of me to say, like, hey, I need x, y, z, if you can help, great. If you can't, that's fine too, you know, I guess the other thing, another thing, you've been a little busy in the last 10 years. You didn't stop living. Just a little she didn't stop living. And this is, I think, the big win of this and the direction do you think your life would have gone this direction had you not been been caring for your dad like you would have been in part of your dad's life? I don't have any questions about that. He wouldn't that. He wouldn't have allowed you not to but I mean, considering that he made his way to your high school as a resource officer, magical. But what have you? What have you done for yourself, to keep to keep yourself, to keep Angelina like and not lose Angelina to being I'm, you know, your dad's caregiver. I'm your dad. I'm the daughter. You know what? I mean, you lose your own Yeah, yeah. Well, we were a traveling family before he had his stroke. We regularly did our family reunions at some grand destination, like we've done stateside, but we started doing family cruises too, so it wouldn't do those I know it was already instilled in me to travel, and that was what I've always wanted to do growing up like, I've always been obsessed with, like, you know, greater, you know, further Outlands and seeing, like, all the exotic places. So I've always had like places like Egypt, Greece, Bali. I've made all of those happen in I've had a big proponent of, like, that self care aspect, which it was hard, really, not knowing how to do that. You know, transitioning from my mom passing, dealing with my grandmother, all that, and then my dad. But one thing that I've always, you know, I've been learning and figuring out, like, I can't take care of him if I'm not happy and I'm not taking care of myself. I have dealt with depression over the years, just from, you know, losing mom, losing siblings, all that type of stuff. But for me, I need that respite. So with him having the benefits that he does have as a veteran, he has 30 days of respite care every year. So I take advantage of that whenever I can guilt free. I'm assuming girl guilt free. Yeah, yeah, eight. Oh my gosh. He used to make me feel deaf about it, because he always wants to be at home and he doesn't. It's never the facility. It's always just that he doesn't know people, and he's like, I would rather be at home. He's gotten used to it. We had a place that we were going to consistently to where, like, Oh, Mr. Taylor's back, and he, you know, enjoying talking to a lot of the care persons and stuff there. So, um, he's made me feel less guilty about it over the years, he gets a vacation away from me. It's a vacation for him Lord me out the door, like, get out of here. I'll talk to you later, or he'll call me and ask me how my trip and stuff's going. So it's, it's gotten all senator, it's finding the balance. And you did that sort of this little it was a pageant and thing. Then a patent thing is a huge thing. Yeah, it's not just a thing. And I think it's, it's really like you, you talk about what it's done for you, not even what you're doing for them, because you've got, you know, you created crown the caregiver as a platform of awareness and advocacy. I mean, you're lying things that, especially women are going to like we're caregivers, that people, the society looks to us to be caregivers. Yeah, so talk about how you've worked that into your life, because I don't know that you were, were you pageant girl when you were little? No, now you still watch it, and that, you know, thought that that was the most glorious thing ever to see these women with all these accomplishments, you know, living out their dreams and then essentially becoming the queen of the world. Of course, that's great. I love the sparkle, but I never thought that I would be able to do something like that, just because of how, you know, over the years, there's been a typical standard of beauty and stuff like that. I never just feel like I fit into that model. So it's like, I don't think I'd be good at that. I don't think that's something I want to try to put myself in front of. But pageantry has evolved to be more diverse and more inclusive in doing things to make sure that all women have a platform to share their passions and stuff. So I ended up getting into pageantry kind of default, because in the midst of taking care of my dad and all that, I had started looking into going back to school, my place that I was working at, at first I had let felt, let go. FMLA let me they let me go as soon as my FMLA was over. So trying to keep consistent work, finding work. I ended up taking a break after a certain point of, you know, going back into the field and whatnot. And I'm like, you know, Doctor it. Why not? My dad's always like, go for it. You know, you don't have to stop at your masters. I had to pay for that doctorate some type of way. If it wasn't working, I had to figure that out. I looked for scholarships in Google Search, like unique scholarship opportunities in Miss America popped up, but I was over the age from Miss America. So you sure look under the age. I can tell you that right now, which they took that into account? Because that would have worked in my favorite because it would have young lady, yeah, but it, I think their cutoff back then might have been like 24 or 25 or something. So I missed the cutoff point. I already started creeping into my 30s. So it's like, okay, I wonder if they have this for women that are in their 30s. And bam, a whole list of Miz pageants started popping up. And they're like, you sing not too late for us. Got kids, not not have any kids. You qualify for The Miz categories in these pageants and stuff. So I started from there. My first one was the Miss Black USA scholarship program. And they, you know, that was a very unique experience for me. From my first pageant, I met lifelong sisters there, but I didn't stop there, because I like getting dressed up and meet with friends across the world and stuff like that. So I did from there, I did miss the Miss captivating pageant. For two years I did international Miz, and then the last two years, I did Miss, Miss USA world universal, where, last year I was crowned Miss USA ambassador. And then this summer, we competed internationally. It's a it's considered a prelim for the internationals, and I ended up getting first runner up. She has a crown too. Go ahead and put your crown on. Go ahead do it. Put your crown on. Please put your crown because, honestly, I have a tiara from the and actually, I bought a tiara J for this PBS Downton Abbey thing. When they did the they did a fundraiser, yeah, and I bought my Tierra just for that. Oh, fantastic. Okay, put the crown. Oh my gosh, put it on. Oh my god, it's big. Oh Everyone, go to YouTube. Oh my gosh, it is gone. Okay, go turning down to so very ours is very unique. Whenever they see the teal, they're like, what system is this, Oh, wow. It's like sashes match too. We have the blue and teal in our sashes. Okay, so I just need you to know, okay, so we're at, I mean, honestly, we're at the end of our time. We're gonna just keep it. We'll love that. Yeah, well, um, so I keep the crown on for the rest of it because I really like it. I would wear it every day. So, you know, honestly, it sounds to me, you know, I know that you are creating, you've got crown the caregiver as a platform, and that you're getting ready to launch services as a certified caregiving specialist, like you're going whole hog into it. Did you finish your doctorate? That's my question. Did you were you able to do that? I did not. So I looked for scholarships. Wasn't able to attain what I wanted to but that didn't stop me. I did start a pre doctoral program at field thing, which was perfect, because it's, it's fully remote. It's one of the few remote clinical psychology programs that they offer. It's really hybrid, but after you get into the program, you have to do like a, I think, a weekend visit once a month or once every so many months for your cohort. I was so stressed I could not caregiving is already stressful, trying to keep up with the demands of research projects now, and I didn't want to take the research route, but that's what they offer at that program. And I was just like, Oh no, I survived most of a semester last year. I made it to the tail end. And right at I think those last couple of weeks, my aunt passed away. In the middle of that semester, I was kind of able to navigate through that, but all that grief and everything hitting and this was on the heels of my older sister passing away. My older sister passed away the week after Thanksgiving 2022 so started school that that following summer passed. Lots of other family members and loved ones passed away. And I was like, Okay, try to get through this. Dad ended up back in the hospital in August, and that was when we were wrapping up the semester. I was able to take a pause, which I was grateful for. But then when I jumped back into it earlier this year, I was like, Are you kidding me? No, I can't. You know what exactly you make that decision, though, and I love that you're like, Nope, I don't want to do this. And it's the right decision for you. And if you never go back, the reality is, is there's so many other things you've got in front of you, I mean, because you're also Elizabeth Dole fellow, and so I think, I mean, we're gonna, we'll have to get more into that in our PBS. I just said so. But I will say this, I do have a couple of sister questions. Let's do sister questions really quick. Okay, because there's so much more I'd want to we will hang Angelina back and just, just bring it back in. My second guest. Don't worry about exactly. Okay. Here it is. What are you afraid of? For your nature? Do you have a fear that's hanging out there? Hello, a fear keeps you up at night? That keeps me up at night? Um, huh, I don't think, oh my gosh, I have, uh, I kind of have a couple probably, you know, the fear of what those final caregiving days are going to look like. Um, cool, that's, that's a very loaded question that and probably you know, what is life really gonna look like now, like I said, I just turned 37 so it's like I could easily be caregiving for another 10 years. So where do I fit? Where do I get my own, you know, my own family? I think there's some I will tell you that even today, my husband's a cancer survivor, and we still experience grief, grief for the life that we thought we were going to have. And it's totally normal to think about like, this is the life I could have had. And I think about us being able to ride motorcycles and play volleyball and do all the things that would travel and do the things and and then come into the reality of this is what my new normal is, and my and it's different. It's not what I expected, it's what's God's given us. And but I see you, I see you saying, What would my life, my my 30s be? Your 30s has been not what you expected, yeah, and I think there's a lot more on your path. Oh, she's got these things. I'm just for what you're doing now, especially with where the US and the world is in caregiving your voice, and it actually put I have chills on my arms, and I actually am a little Terry, because I hear your heart, and I'm 51 and I know when I started caring for my mom, but what you do for people that hear your story and you sharing your fears? There's so many people that won't share that fear, and for them to know, hey, that's okay. But there I just, I'm like, there is she. You are amazing, and you are unbelievable. I mean, you're just, I'm like, Baris, you just have a heart of gold, like, I just am just amazed. Well, so, and she's young, and she and she looks so I'm gonna tell you. So here's my last here's my last question. What is your favorite guilty pleasure, the one thing that you do just for you. Because I'd be walking around that crown the whole time, Bucha. So I'd watch Hallmark in my crown. I would do the dishes in my crown. I would do everything in that um, this traveling count. Because, yes, girl, yes, because that's like, I have to travel. Like, no matter what, I get sad if I don't have anything planned for the year, like, no matter what it is, if I can't just, like, go, I'll probably stay up all night trying to plan out any every trip that I can. Now, it looks a little bit different because it's usually pageant related, but now that I'm going to be an alumni queen, I get to make my other travel itinerary again. I've got a got a next dream trip. What's your next show? What's the location i i have a trip to GABA coming up for New Year, so I'm excited for that. Holy smoke. We're not missing a read. I'm definitely gonna follow her on because I'm gonna wait. She might be too young for Facebook, so old we follow you on Tiktok or something cool. We're gonna follow you because I need to see all these vacay picks. We're gonna stalk you. And we do think you are officially invited. So is every listener that we have on here to our self care at sea cruise next October 19. Yeah. So we're that's with our partners, NCL, and we're going to the Caribbean on a brand new ship. And I'm going to tell you, Angelina, you need to put that on your list. It's a work type. It's a great we're going to call that a work trip, Angelina, it's a work trip. Okay, so um, so travel, Ghana. I love it. I do too. You know what? Angelina, thank you so much for being with us. We you are officially another sister. We have so many we adopt so many people, and you have no free will, like you were automatically Sorry, sister, even if you didn't want to be, you're like, Well, okay, guys, thank you so much for listening to our special series heroes, caring for heroes. And we just again, want to thank CVS Health. We want to thank Tenna. We want to thank summit behavioral health. We want to thank care Ford the Fisher House. Yeah, we have a huge list of partners, and those can be found on our website, Confessions over elected cyber.com who's now, we're saying all the things we're supposed to, I know, but just thank everyone for making this series happen. Yeah, because I think it's your story is so important, Angelina, and people will will see themselves in you, and that relate is so important. It's how we feel connected as humans, because we see you. And today, today, I'm seeing myself in you with the crown on. Oh yes, yeah, I am totally, I'm totally doing that. All right, guys, thanks so much for being here. Thanks again, Angela. And until we see until next time we will until we confess again, we will see you next time. Apparently, I'm struggling today. All right, bye, bye, bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap for today's educational episode. Thank you for listening to our special series, heroes, caring for heroes, and don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our monthly newsletter, sign up for the free sisterhood advantage discount club, and of course, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Tiktok, Twitter and Pinterest. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube Channel. We'll see you next time when we confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. We are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I, at confessions of our reluctant caregiver, have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this show are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted, and no part can be reproduced without the express written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC, thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast.