Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
The Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver podcast offers a candid, unfiltered space to confess the good, the bad, and the ugly of being a caregiver through storytelling, guest interviews, and information sharing. JJ & Natalie are a dynamic duo of sisters supporting their mom living with Parkinson's and a husband who survived cancer. Along with their guests, they discuss their shared experiences in caregiving. Viewers and listeners alike will relate to our reluctance, be affirmed in their ability to be caregivers and gain the courage to confidently step out of the shadows to express their own needs. You are sure to laugh, cry, and everything in between but in the end, all will leave feeling better for the journey and part of the sisterhood of care. So grab your favorite guilty pleasure, and let's get to confessing!
Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
Leaving a Legacy of Health: Caregiving Experiences and the Drive to Educate Others
Beverly Barnett is a registered nurse and men's health advocate. She has dedicated her life and career to healthcare after developing a passion for nursing as a young girl receiving treatment at a segregated clinic in her hometown. She drew inspiration from the compassionate nurses who cared for her during this difficult time.
Beverly shared her personal caregiving journey of caring for her husband after he was diagnosed with late-stage colorectal cancer. Despite being a nurse, she struggled with feelings of anger that he had ignored symptoms for so long before seeking treatment. She cared for him at home for the three years he battled the disease, which took an emotional toll. After his passing, Barnett was inspired to help educate others, especially black men, about the importance of early detection and regular doctor visits.
Through her nursing experience and family health challenges, Barnett has gained valuable perspectives that she utilizes in her mission to promote proactive healthcare. She continues advocating for men's health issues while also caring for her aging father with dementia. Barnett's story illustrates the lifelong impact of caregiving and how personal experiences can shape one's career and drive to help others.
About Beverly:
For Beverly Barnett, nursing is more than a job—it’s her calling. Inspired by a childhood illness, she pursued practical nursing right after high school and earned a bachelor’s degree within four years. Her dedication led her to obtain a Master of Science in Nursing, allowing her to teach and shape future nurses.
Beverly’s passion extends to men’s wellness, particularly the health of Black men, influenced by her husband’s battle with cancer. She believes chronic illnesses rob families of priceless moments and advocates for men to lead by example in health practices.
Beverly recommends four steps to promote proactive health among Black men: understand your family’s medical history, commit to annual check-ups, share your family’s health history with your doctor, and track health metrics. These steps aim to shift from reactive to proactive health management, fostering a healthier life journey.
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Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
Sisterhood of Care, LLC
Kristen daukas, Hey, everyone, welcome to the confessions of our reluctant caregiver podcast. We're happy you're here on the podcast. We're certain that you'll relate to the caregiver stories and find comfort with your honorary sisters. Now before we start, I want to remind you to go to our website, Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver.com. And sign up for our newsletter. It's full of useful information that you can immediately use. Now, let's learn more about today's gift. How are you doing?
JJ:Oh, no, the singing is going to start. Y'all, I know you're used to it by now, but after 50 years, I still can't take it. I feel like
Natalie:I want to sing the Good morning song, but I wonder if people get it, you know, like they're tired of it, so go ahead and sing it. Just do it. How about this one? It's a beautiful morning.
Unknown:I haven't heard that.
Natalie:I think I'll go outside for a while. I think the voice is gonna find me. They're going to be like, Oh, we should do a clip with Natalie.
JJ:Dream on, Dream on,
Natalie:yeah, Beverly is like, do not quit your day job, literally. You know, we've got an awesome guest today, Jay, I'm so excited. We just got
JJ:to get busy. We got to get to work. Natalie, let's do it. We're
Unknown:not going outside. We're
JJ:staying inside and we're going to get no, we're staying right inside, and
Natalie:we're going to talk to Beverly. Okay, so
JJ:let me tell Beverly. Okay, so let me tell you what we got today, everybody. So we have got Beverly Barnett with us. And she says, get ready for this. Because this is not me. She says, nursing is not just a job. It is her life mission. Natalie, you know, you and I pass out at the side of blood. So we
Natalie:do it's a good thing. Beverly would be our person. You know, she'd be our person. She says
JJ:nursing chose her. She is a registered nurse, she is an educator, she is a health and wellness advisor, and she is a Legal Nurse Consultant. In her bio, she said chronic illnesses deprive families of precious moments together, and I love that, from her husband's battle with cancer to the most recent diagnosis for her husband, for her father and her brother, Beverly is committed to men's health. She says Men should lead by example, adopting as support, yes, adopting and demonstrating proactive health behaviors. And I said that is a preach moment, sister. She has four straightforward steps to foster a proactive health mindset that I cannot wait to discuss later in the show. Beverly, thank you so much for joining us today. Let's get started. Natalie,
Natalie:let's do it. Great.
Unknown:Thank you inviting me
JJ:so Beverly, you have got so nursing is your it's, that's what got you started. You said it started with a childhood illness that kind of got you into, okay, I'm going to care the rest of my life. I'm going to
Unknown:care for people. And that is exactly what happened. When I was around 12 years old. I developed a kidney problem, and I lived in a rural, rural town, and not a lot of access to health care. But we had one doctor there, okay, one clinic. And so I went there for several weeks, the whole summer, out, the whole summer, sick, the whole summer and but when I would go there, and that was the day where we had segregated time, you know, you didn't. Blacks went in, one in, and whites went in and one in, and I had to sit there and wait until other white people would see before I could go be seen. But then as I got sick of the nurses, so I said, No, she's not going to wait. We're just going to put her in a room. And they started talking to me while I was back there. So I just developed a relationship with them. And I decided at that point I'm going to be a nurse. That is the heart of
Natalie:a nurse. Wow, you had a heart to serve. Are you sure it wasn't I feel like you got a little church in you, too. Yeah, of course. I love that. Of course, of course. I mean, there's a calling to serve. And I mean, I think, you know, God had big plans for you. Ma'am, I can definitely tell he had big plans,
Unknown:and I accept plans that God send my way. Yeah, yeah, that's the best outlet. Well, I
JJ:know that's okay. Never fight the plans. So you, I mean, right out of high school, you go to nursing school, you just start on this path. And obviously, like, somewhere in there, you're getting married, and you've got all of this stuff going on. But we want to talk about care, the care that has jumped into your life because it's got you to where you are now, which is you're also you're on another mission, and it's to educate people. But what came up first? Who? Who did you start caring for? First? Beverly in
Unknown:my family. It was my Well, it was my husband. Yeah, he had developed colorectal cancer. He was stage four diagnosis. I. Which we know that was advanced stage, which really depressed me a lot, because here I was a nurse, and my husband was diagnosed late diagnosed. So that was really depressing for me, but he was projected to live maybe three to six months, but he lived three years. Yeah, and wow, I attributed to God first, and then I attribute it to the center we went to for his treatment. And then, of course, you know, I he stayed home the whole time. And you know, when he got to where he couldn't do anything, I just kept it home, because that's me. I'm not going to, you know, I want to take care of him until the end. So from him, his death led me to do other things that I thought God wanted me to do, and one of those things was to become a men's health advocate, a black men's health advocate.
JJ:I know that's an important part of your whole like the mission, like what you're out there for. Let me ask you a question, do you feel like, if, because you're you're like out there, like men need to be proactive. Is there a sense of that that comes from your husband, that you feel like, did he go to the doctor a lot? Did he? Was he the one that was proactive? Or was he, you know, that husband, like my husband, that's like, I'll get a physical every 10 years. Like, was he that person? Why is that so important, your passion? He was that person, yeah,
Unknown:he would not go, yeah, and he would not go. He had told me one time that he wouldn't go into the doctor until he was on his deathbed. And I was like, Oh, my God, you know. You know, how you gonna know if something is going on in your body, if you won't go get a, you know, an annual checkup, at least, you know, but he was forced to go to the doctor by his employer through the health program, and that's the only reason why he had a doctor when he got ill.
Natalie:Yeah. Beverly, what do you attribute that to? Based on your you know, how long were you guys married before he passed? If you don't mind her, together 35 years. We were married, 35 years. So I mean, so you know him pretty well, and was it historical? Because I know for some folks, there is kind of a stigma and a concern around seeing the doctor and things like that. What do you attribute that to, especially with him being a male, because typically, males are not great about going to the doctor.
Unknown:Well, one of the things he thought was he was invincible. He didn't think anything could happen to him, that that was the main thing. And he was in his 50s, but he looked really, really young, and he'd never been ill, yeah, so he did not think anything could happen to him. But for a lot of men, and he's one of them. I don't know if they have a fear of the doctor, or they don't know what to do when they go to the doctor. And maybe they're going to get the same thing said to them every year, and they don't know what to do afterwards. So they just, you know, try to ignore the put it off. But basically, they ignore their bodily function. He told me that he was not aware of his body until he was ill. He didn't think. He didn't pay any attention, because he said, Oh, it's just a little thing. I'll get over it. And a lot of times when you have early symptoms of a disease, you'll have those early symptoms, and then sometime they will just go away and they'll become dormant, and, but that doesn't mean that inside your body that it's not still there. Yeah, absolutely. And so I think that was and, and later on, some other members of his family got sick, and they didn't go to the doctor either, but some of them, you know, had a better outcome than he did, yeah, but I think it was family.
Natalie:Yeah. I'm sorry to interrupt this sounds very like generational, like, this is a family thing, and this is, this is really learned, and that's what I meant by like, do you think that this was something like, his parents, this is a family thing that they typically don't go to the doctor, the grandparents didn't get or his parents, the grandparents, because it not maybe, maybe it's access, maybe it's fear, maybe it's concern, because you're down from Louisiana too. Because you're down, you're in a southern area, and sometimes where you live can impact decisions made and access, and even perception of access where it may have not been at one point, but it is now available now. Well,
Unknown:I think that when he was a child, he did not have health care, because we was in when he stayed in a town, a city, and that hospital was there. I don't know how long that hospital was, that thing was for a long, long time. But I believe that because they didn't have because of economic problems, they didn't go to the doctor. So they just tried to treat themselves at home, and we did, too where I live, because there was that was just clinics. Well, they had, they used to call it the Charity Hospital in in Jonesboro, where I live in. And many throughout the state had Charity Hospital, and that's where you would go. And I don't know what kind of treatment you receive there, or you know, you know, sometimes it depends on the people you meet, whether you'll go back or not. You know, how people treat people makes a difference in whether they will go back to the doctor or not, or we'll seek care, health care. So I think that was part of it. It was just economics and maybe interactions, what interactions he had with people, but from what I gathered, he was never really sick, maybe a little cold or something. And he told me, they just ignored it, and he got better.
JJ:Yeah, just have a little drink a whiskey and honey. That was kind of a thing, you know.
Unknown:That's right, that's right, a hot tidy, oh, they had these old remedies of making different tea out of different things, you know.
Natalie:They don't sell those hot toddies. This is not the same thing. My Cody has got some steamed soy over here. For those who can't see, I'm drinking my English breakfast tea with my soy.
JJ:Let me ask you a question, because I know that you have a definite focus on black men. And we met with Candace straw probably she was one of our first podcast and one of her one of her missions, and it is a mission. Her mother had the same issue, and it was, I think it was Thanksgiving. Evening they went to the hospital. Her mother was sick, and she had a very advanced stage of cancer, same situation, but she said she felt like in their community, that there wasn't a lot of push. There was no education out there that said you need to go to the doctor the way there are in a lot of other communities. Do you feel like that's one of the reasons why you feel like that is kind of a calling for you, that you feel like your community in itself, the black men also need to you need to also yell out to them, Hey, you you definitely need to go to the doctor, because it's that education is not out there in your community. I think so, yeah,
Unknown:and I think that, and you have to understand something about black men's Men's Health is that a lot of times, back in the day, there may have been programs out there for families, but they didn't include men in the programs, and it was the wife or or if they were divorced or they lived with them, he could not get access to care. So and then secondly, a lot of men worked in different type of jobs where they didn't have, especially labor job where they didn't have sick time, they went to work no matter how sick they were, because they had to support their family. Yeah, you're exactly right, and they could take a day off, but that, but that stems from slavery, because in slavery, time you had to work regardless of where what you felt, and if you didn't go go out there, you could get sold off. So therefore I got to go to work no matter what happened. And then after slavery, times was so hard, you know, so not missing, missing a day of work was just unacceptable, because the family was going down if you didn't go to work. And
Natalie:that's where, and that's where I want to jump in. That's where we talk about in the mental health field. I think about generational stories and generational it's passed down the experiences. We don't do this, we go to work, we have to take care of the family, and it's passed down from generation to generation. And so I understand the why by by the fact that you have to, I mean, to be honest with you, I know that, you know, I think about times that our dad went to work and he went to work sick. And it's not the same in that, in the fact of historically, but in poor areas, I think there is that common thread of you can't take off. And then I think about even the way, and barely, since you're a nurse, especially even if the way that you think about like Medicaid, for example, because I work with Medicaid population, and I look at programs, and Medicaid covers women and children, because over 18, you're not getting coverage unless you meet the high threshold of poverty level, but it's typically leans into women and children, especially pregnant women and children. It covers you from a certain window and you saying that resonates with me so much because of you know, it doesn't say men. It doesn't say, hey guy, Hey dad. Say, say, well, so wife and baby can do things, or partner and baby, you know what I mean? That's
Unknown:absolutely true. And the other thing that was I found when I first came moved here and I was a nurse. I came to nursing school and I moved to Shreveport and the the Community Hospital, the first time I went up there, I was like, why are. These people sitting out here, all over the place. It's a tons of people just out here. Oh, you just have to come up here and wait. They didn't have appointments at that time. You just, you just came up there, and you may have to sit out there and wait 2448 hours before you could be seen. Oh, wow, yeah.
Natalie:So I want to back up a little bit. Oh, and actually, before we back up, because I want to back up. Jay, yes, let's take a break real quick, and let's take a break. I don't know about you, but my inbox is always cluttered with useless emails, but there's one I always open the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver newsletter, you may say, Natalie, what makes yours so special? Well, I'm biased, but don't just take my word for it. Here's what our subscribers say they love. First, it comes once per month, and you can read it in under five minutes. Next, you'll find amazing tips and resources to use in your everyday life. And who doesn't love a recommendation these sisters do, which is why we share sister approved products and discount links to save you time and money. And of course, you're first to know about the upcoming month's confessions, just like our show, you're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources. And of course, laugh. Go to our website, Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver.com. To sign up for our newsletter today.
JJ:Hey everybody, we're back. We're here with Beverly Barnett, and we're talking about men. Hopefully, you know, if you guys are listening, it's not bad, though. I mean, we're talking about you and men. We're talking about your health too, because we're very concerned. You need to step up. That's all I'm saying.
Natalie:Let's get back on and let's, let's actually get back on this. Okay? And so I want to go back because, I mean, we're the podcast. I mean, we're going to talk about the Men's Health, right? Beverly. But I'm, this is about the caregiver. Yeah, it's about Beverly. And let's Beverly. It's about you girl, and you ran right over that caregiving spot for your husband real fast, and so I'm gonna, I'm gonna make, I'm gonna push you back and say, I need to know some more details. And really, it's about how caregiving impacted you. You're a nurse. Your husband's sick, right? You've been together 35 years, and your husband gets sick. You're working full time, right? And tell me what's going on, and what was it like to care and how do you navigate that, and that sort of thing, like, tell me what's going on with you, and then the relationships. Well,
Unknown:my husband got sick, I have to say this, and I was really angry at him. I was angry at him because he did not go to the doctor, and here now the family is going to be greatly affected by what he did not do his actions, and that's for me, because I was married to him for 30 something years. I was in my 50s, and stage four diagnosis is a terminal diagnosis. And so what was going to happen to me after he you know, if he died, that was one of the things I thought about, but I let it pass over me, because I had to focus on Him, because He had chemotherapy every other week for three years, and he would have a couple of breaks to see if it would go into remission, but it would come right back. So every other week, he had chemo, and he was he had a side effect, what they call it, intractable nausea and vomiting mean that nothing could stop it. And so for the week after his chemo, he was practically bit written. He couldn't go outside, he couldn't do anything, because he was so nauseated. And so, of course, me, being a nurse, I come up with all these little things that I thought could help him with his nausea, but nothing really did. So when I would go to work, I did have we had one son that was in college, and so he arranged his classes where he would be through with his classes by noon, and so that he could come home and he'd get him some food, make sure he was okay, and then he would be there until I got home.
JJ:Wow. How old was your son at that time? You said college age, right around
Unknown:20 or 21 something like that.
JJ:That's a, you know, even at 20 that's mature, that is,
Natalie:that's that's pulling on the like forcing you to get real mature, real fast, real fast,
Unknown:absolutely. And that forced the whole family, because I have two other children, or grown children, who were living in in Dallas, you know, and they had their own life, but that forced them to make some changes in their life, and changes about what they're going to do with their health too. Absolutely,
JJ:absolutely. So
Natalie:how did you talk about caring for your husband as a family? How did you all you know, I hear you saying the younger son who was closer by to help with that, any conversations going on? Any. You think that your kids said, like, Mom, we need to plan for this, or we need to any conversations that you had with them, like, Hey guys, you need to make sure you're you know what I mean, like any conversations as a family of our own caregiving.
Unknown:Well, you know, in at first they were coming home and they were coming home like they usually do for entertainment.
JJ:Oh, I love that. What do you
Unknown:got? What am I going to do? And I would do all this kind of stuff. So eventually, I said, Listen, you all, I can't do this. I said, when you all come home, you'll come home to help me take care of him, because if I come home, you come home and I've got to cook this that you like. And we do this and we do that. That's not helping me. He's got to help me. And I remember one time we went we went to somewhere, we went to and all the family was get together. My husband was six four. Well, my son is six four, and so he was stumbling into my son says to me, Mom, you need to come back, because dad is about the fall. I said, No, you need to stay back. And this other son, you need to be on the other side of him, because if he falls, I can't stop him, but you too can, and that woke them up. They was like, what?
JJ:Yeah. I mean, how tall? I'm just curious, manly, because you don't look super tall. I mean, I know you're sick, but how tall are you before? Hey, boys,
Natalie:holy cow, you're in the armpits. So used to
Unknown:be taking care of him and doing things, and I was a nurse. And, see, that's that was, I was a nurse. Oh, absolutely. You could do anything you know, so they didn't even, you know, sometimes people don't see the progression of a person's illness and what had happened. He had had chemo that week, but we had planned something, but he said, I can still go. I can go, Yeah, but that was the last, that was probably the last time we went somewhere after his chemo, because I made that decision. He says, we'll go, I'm gonna be okay. I said, No, we're not going to do that the week of chemo. We're going to do nothing. So that means we had to isolate, and we lost contact with our social circle when you came, yeah, interact anymore. So that that was a for me. I needed that, but I lost that, and I continued, even after he died, to reintegrate in it. It was hard, and I wasn't successful at doing that, so I had to find a different set. You know,
Natalie:what do you think? Beverly, if you don't mind sharing about it, what was hard for those people? Because here's the thing, we've been there, and I've been there especially, I mean, Jason and I, Jason really was the one who lost friends who didn't know what to say. It was so uncomfortable for them. And, you know, I think about how hard it is for people who want to ask, like they want to ask about how they're doing, or ask how you're doing, but they don't know what to say. They don't know what to do. It's fairly uncomfortable. You just kind of stumble around it and really don't really want to talk about it, because we don't like to really talk about bad I mean, look at Facebook for goodness sake. Is ain't nothing but good, like living my best life. Here I am, every day's rainbows and unicorns, and we all like, No, it's not. Here's the golden dumpster. So was it that you felt like friends were pulling away? You know what I mean? So where do you see that you think, Well, I
Unknown:don't think that they meant to do that. I don't think that they meant to do that, but it was a lot of your friends, sometimes maybe more acquaintances than real friends. Okay, yeah. And so when something happens like this, those people will kind of drop off your radar, yeah. And then you'll have a small you'll have a small sector friend that will be around, and they will ask you, well, how's he doing this week? Is there anything I can do, but you and if people ask you if it's anything you can do, tell them what you can do. You know, first, you're reluctant to do that because you don't want to sing as if you need help. You know, I got it, I got I got it, as they say, I got it, and God got me, okay, but God sent you somebody to say, Can I help you? How can I help you? And that's basically, you just have to accept the help. Yeah, yeah.
Natalie:That's hard. You know, that's like the parable where the person standing on the roof and the blood's coming and and honestly, like we've all heard it, and it's like the boat comes by, the helicopter comes by, and something else comes by, and then ultimately they drown, and they get to heaven, and they're like, God, why didn't you? I prayed for you to save me. And he was like, I sent you three different places. Sent you a boat and helicopter. Yeah, exactly. And so I think that's so important. I think what you just shared is something that's such a good reminder for all of us. Not be afraid to say what you need and to make it uncomfortable for someone else, like you may think, well, they don't really want to help me. I know that. But the reality is is, don't tell their story for them, right? Allow them to say that look on their face like, Oh, crap, you need something. And
Unknown:that's absolutely true, because if you say, Yes, I need you to do this for me, and they do that, and then they don't come back, then you know,
JJ:you were lying. They didn't mean it. You
Unknown:know, that's not the person that you know, that's not the person to go to that's not going to be your go to person, so people who will what we call your go to person, and that person will stand by you. And I had a good friend constantly came by my house, come to get me out of the house, you know, because nobody really thought about that I needed to be out of the house. I was a nurse. No, I'm a nurse. You can. So when you're a nurse, no one thinks about what that means. Yeah, you know, you're a nurse so you can take care of Mm, hmm,
Natalie:well, and I think it goes back, and this is, I think we that, you know, especially if you've been in caregiver, you feel this way. It's, it's always joke about it being like, when a person's pregnant, everybody's all about that pregnant person, that's right. And then when they have that baby, they're all about that baby. And they're like, is there a mother somewhere around here? Is there? Oh, and the mom is just sitting there thinking, God, for just a break for a second, and think about it. And so it's very much like, you know, how's Jason? How's Jason? And it's not that there's anything wrong with that. I need people need people to really hear me say that there's nothing wrong with that. Every now and then, if you were to say, how are you doing? Yes, and you mean it with sincerity, and you mean it sometimes allowing me to say, I'm not okay, it doesn't diminish what Jason was going through, doesn't diminish what our mom's going through. You know what I mean? It doesn't diminish that. It allows you to have your space and be able to be your individual self and be authentic and say, I'm not okay. And I think if people were to ask us that, then I think they're more likely they would get the answer, we would be more more open to saying, I'm not okay. I could use some help here. Then
Unknown:I say this, when you first get that diagnosis of cancer, it's like a death tone, and right there in your head. And I know my husband, he said that, and I did too, that I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die, you know, but you don't want people to know. So, so sometimes it's the stigma of having cancer too, yeah, that you that you're probably going to die, that you're not going to be here, and you didn't want pity, you know, people feeling sorry for you. Because I'm I can still do this, and I can still do that, and that was an important thing, is that you continue to be able to do what you can do for yourself. So at first, my husband didn't even want to tell anybody. Even when we did to a cancer treatment center, he still didn't want to talk about that he had cancer. It took him a long time they talked to him. The other clients talked to him, patient, and that's and they would ask him questions. At first, he wouldn't even talk to
JJ:him. He's like, I'm I don't have cancer. I'm just here, just here visiting. That's right,
Natalie:it is interesting, because I think what it does, though, Beverly, it forces you to recognize your mortality. It forces all of us to recognize it. And it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable. We don't normalize death and dying. We don't normalize even though we all know we're still at 100% mortality rates. I mean, everybody's dying, that's right, nobody's living forever. And here's the thing, I don't want to live forever, but I want to live a good, healthy life, and I don't want to be taken I don't want to live a premature life. And I think about that, and so I Jason very much, did not want to talk about it. He didn't want to acknowledge what it meant. Because, I mean, here's the sad part, your husband had, your husband gone to the doctor, right? He they potentially could have found it earlier,
Unknown:yes, because I knew something was wrong with him. I kept telling him. I said, there's something going on with you. I said. I said, look what you're doing. I said, He's Oh no, Beverly, all men do this, all men do that's nothing, you know? I said, No, no, no, that's too much. So one day I came home and he had been out more in the yard, and I said, I said, Where are you a gray color. He says, what? I said, You are gray. I said, you need to go to a doctor. I said, because your color. I said, you don't look right, you know. And I said, Come, look at yourself. Yeah, look how gray your skin is, you know. So I think that. He says, well. Oh, well, no. He says nothing is wrong. He kept saying, nothing's wrong with me. Beverly, don't worry about it. I'm okay, but he wasn't, and he didn't go to the doctor until he was forced to go to the doctor for a medical emergency, no matter what I said. But I'm gonna tell you a story. About a year after he died, I was at his sister's house, and one of his brothers was there, and he told me he had colon cancer also, but he was in the military or something. So he told me, he says I started this belching and burping all the time. And I looked over there at him, and I remember and all of us, and we my my daughter, and we looked at him, and we remembered when my husband was doing the exact same thing, and he would not go absolutely. It sounds
Natalie:a little bit like denial, that did his brother have? Did his brother have cancer before him? No, I don't know if that was after.
Unknown:I don't know. I can't remember. I don't think so. Think he had I think he had it first, not exactly sure, but when he said that, I looked at him and I looked and I thought about that. And it was about two years before he ever went to the doctor that he had those symptoms, I was like, Oh, my God. You know, two years, it's a long time to have a cancerous tumor inside your body. Yeah, you know, I'm
Natalie:not gonna lie to you. We're gonna take a break, but I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm gonna go into this break saying I don't blame you for being mad. I don't blame you. I'd have been mad too, and people would say, oh my gosh, I always I've said it before. I mean, in my mind, I was the only part person who argued with a cancer patient, and because he argued back with me, and I wasn't taking it that my personality is middle child, and I'm like, oh, not the day Satan. And so I'm like, you know, I'm not your punching bag. And it's not that Jason intentionally did it because he was mad. He was mad, and I was a safe person for him to be able because he knew I wouldn't leave. Like, think about who your people are. You we've always said sometimes you hurt the ones you love the most because you feel the safest, and so he I was never going to leave him. You don't get to take that anger out on me. Let's find a different path to be able to deal with it absolutely let's take a five second break.
JJ:Well, alrighty. Then, if you like confessions, we have another podcast we'd love to recommend the happy, healthy caregiver podcast with Elizabeth Miller as a fellow Whole Care Network podcaster. We love how Elizabeth chats it up with family caregivers and dives into their caregiving and self care strategies, just like us. Elizabeth believes that family caregivers are the experts in caregiving. Beyond the informative conversations, Elizabeth reveals the tried and true resources and practical self care tips that empower caregivers to prioritize their health and happiness. You can find the happy, healthy caregiver podcast wherever you download your favorite podcast, or go to the website at Happy Healthy caregiver.com Hey everybody. We're back here with Beverly Barnett, and she shared the story of her and her husband. And I know Beverly that your husband had a short they said three to six months when he was diagnosed, and he lived three years, but after that, because we talked with people and he did pass, you've taken the mission basically, and you've moved. Tell me about moving on, because a lot of times people don't talk about after care. You never stop caring. And I know even recently, you're back in care. I know you've had some things that have come up with your father, your brother, and so even the last 12 months. So let's talk about some things in your aftercare back in care. Scenario.
Unknown:Okay, well, you know, after he died, I was depressed, but you know, I did, even I knew I was depressed, that's normal, but it took me about two years, but I had to have some help. Oh, yeah. And what happened was, one of my classmates, high school classmate, was a life coach, and we connected on Facebook, and he asked me to DM him, which I didn't even know what DM was. Okay,
Natalie:what do you wonder? What the D? The D stands for,
Unknown:message me. Okay, oh, direct message. Thank
Natalie:you, Beverly. Thank you, Beverly, for educating me on that one. Because I'm sitting there, what's
Unknown:and so to me, Beverly, your posts are so sad. I want to help you, and I'm like, supposed to say it. I didn't even realize. Oh, so he was a life coach. He said, I want to help you, and I got the help. And after he died, I was no longer a wife. My kids were grown, so I was the, you know, a mother, mother, and. And I didn't even know who I was after that, so I had and I said to myself, I have to reinvent myself to who I am now. I'm not the same person, because when through a life altering event, you cannot be the same person, and you have to find a way to move forward. Yeah, and that's what I did when I realized, finally realized there was nothing else I could do to help my husband, but I could help other black men. Yeah, and that's what I decided to do help other black men. But in the process of helping other black men, I found out that many men, no matter what the race or ethnic background is, they will not go to the doctor.
Natalie:They will, that's true. Yeah, it's true. And
Unknown:so I kind of broaden it a little bit, you know, to include all men, because I'm a nurse first, so I don't really care about you raising anything like that. I just want everybody to be healthy. But I have that, you know, I have that passion for black men, because that comes from my husband, yeah, yeah. And I want to take his legacy some kind of way, you know, yeah, absolutely, absolutely,
Natalie:well, so go ahead. Go ahead, Jack,
JJ:you go in. And we didn't ask about this. And this is an important question. We talk about your your husband and your kids, were you all prepared when you started this journey, or with your father, as you come up with your brother for with powers of attorney, with with those are important questions I feel like, were you and your husband prepared for this? Because you've been married for 35 years, wills and all that stuff? No, are you all prepared? No, okay,
Unknown:okay, and, but when he got sick, he says, You're my power of attorney. But I was legally, I would become his power right. Anyway, right, yeah, so, right, yeah. But when my dad, my dad, has it okay, because he was, he's at the VA. So that's if they did at the VA, but my brother, I don't know, he put me down as this person of contact, but he didn't do a POA, yeah.
JJ:So your dad, let's, let's touch on that. Your dad was just recently diagnosed with dementia last
Unknown:year, but he been having it. I knew that that was the first time I think the doctors really saw it, yeah,
JJ:and he is at the VA though. Now is that? Is that where he's
Unknown:where he gets his care, all right? And last year, after he was in the hospital, he was real confused, really, really confused. He stayed with me. Oh, wow. But let me tell you what happened. Ready. I got in his vehicle because I was going to take him back and forth to his home. Because, you know, I work kind of self employed, so I could go do things, and we would, you know, go back to his house, so he would have some time there and come back to my house. So one day, I was in in my office doing something, and my son come over and he says, my wife's grandfather, I said he's sitting out in the yard, in the garage. No, he's not out there, and his truck is gone. I was like, what this truck is gone?
Natalie:Oh, crap, that's the only answer. What
Unknown:I knew he was up to something. I could tell the way he was talking to me that he was up to something old. Is your dad? How old was he is not 92 okay,
Natalie:yeah. Oh, nobody should have taken his cheese away a minute ago.
Unknown:Fiercely independent. Oh, so my my son was so upset, and he says, Should I go look for him. I said, No. I said, I believe he probably went home and I have some cameras out there. So one of the things we I had asked him to do when I thought he was having problems before he was diagnosed, let's just put some cameras outside so I can see you and know that you're okay every day. Yeah, I wanted some in the house, but he wouldn't let me do it, you know, but I put it outside, I said, so he's probably been gone about an hour. I said, let's look on the camera and see if he's there. And so I turned on the cameras, and he was pulling up into the
Natalie:I love that.
Unknown:You know when you say, do drive with dementia, and a lot of states do not have any laws saying that you can't drive. Some states require the doctor to contact a motor vehicle office, even if insurance may not give you any difference, as long as it's not late stage, because in late stage, you're going to be unable to drive, you know, unable. But I did get him to to come back for a while, let me say, but he was hard, but, and he. Get someone. He has a friend now that drives him
Natalie:well, and, you know, I think that's what's so hard, is that loss of independence. It sounds like you transitioned him. The first step was the cameras. And that's sneaky. We have not heard anybody talk about like, Hey, I talked him in I'm not surprised that he didn't want especially daughter, Mel, you know what I mean. But I've also got other friends that would have a friend who told me that she put cameras up in her mom's in her apartment because her mom lived with her, and that when she was gone, she worried about her mom falling. And I swear to you, and you can't even make this up carefully, she had a camera in the hallway, and the mother would leave the door open, and she would use the bathroom, and she would shoot her the finger because she was so mad that there was a camera, and she did it on purpose, and it's alarming yet so funny at the same time, and she goes, I was like, Well, that was my mom's personality. And I just looked at it like, I get it. You don't like the cameras. Me neither.
Unknown:They don't live with you. You have to do you have to be able to monitor them somehow. And I got this idea. Well, my daddy hunt. So he had some deer cameras. He posted up on, um, you know, the tree, so he could see the deer come in that area. That's like, Oh, that's a great idea. So we did so that I look at him. If I don't call him, or you don't call me, I just look at those cameras until I see him and I can see when he leave, when he come back. I got good playback on those cameras. I got it down,
Natalie:you know, gosh, Jay, I can't believe it, our time is up. And I know,
JJ:I know we're like, so we're gonna have to run because I've had so much fun, and I'm like, Okay, we need more. Like, she's got so much more.
Natalie:Let's do time for Sister questions. Let's do I have a serious
JJ:sister question. Is
Natalie:that okay? Okay?
JJ:So you've been caring forever because of your nursing background, you got into care with your husband, and then you're caring for your dad now, which is just a journey. I know you've had some other care experiences. Has it made you a better I know you're not practicing now as a nurse full time. Has it made you a better nurse, though, in your mind, a better caregiver when you're talking with other people because of these caregiving
Unknown:experiences, you mean now you have first hand experience, not not professional, but now it's personal. So what I do now I can understand people better. I worked for hospice in a hospice place about I started working hospice about two years before my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and I believe that the Lord sent me to that place because there was not a place I wanted to work at, but one of my That's right, come on. Beverly, let's come over here. You don't like it, and I did. I did enjoy helping families, switching my focus from getting people healthy but preparing them for what's coming down the line and for the patient that you're going to be healed. Yeah, not the way, maybe not physically healed, but spiritual healing and helping the family transition to that. So when my husband got healed, I said, Lord, sent me there for a reason.
Natalie:Yeah, he did send you there for a reason. It was to prepare you. Yeah, and I really believe in things like that, you know, I always hear about people saying, you know, we pray for healing. We pray for healing. And the reality is, and they feel like God didn't answer their prayer. But my friend Paul, when he passed and he was eaten up with cancer. He was in his 40s, and it was he was sick at the same time, Beverly, and I prayed for him and prayed, and I just kept thinking, I'm like, Why can't Paul get better? And it hit me. It hit me, because he did get better. Yes, he just wasn't better
Unknown:here, just wasn't here, that's right, just wasn't here.
Natalie:And and I and I'm grateful for that makes me tear up, because Paul was such a great person, and he had done so many wonderful things. And I think that's the hardest thing. And you're right about God given you. He opened those doors, and he put you exactly where you were supposed to be. And I think you going and really trying to educate men, especially black men, on take care of yourself. And this is the why behind it, and I don't want this to happen to you. Is exactly the same feeling that we had with starting the podcast. I'm about to get on my TED Talk, on my my thing, Jay, it's exactly why we started the podcast, because we just don't want other people to have to experience what we experience.
Unknown:And the statistics for black men is so bad because it's the last one in so because they are late stage. Diagnosis in stage three or four or of just about every disease is in stage then they are more likely to die. 40% of the black men will die from cancer just because they were diagnosed in late stage. Wow. My brother who was ill. He did die also, and he was the one. He was 59 and he didn't have a POA, he didn't have a wife, he didn't have children. And so there are eight of us, so there was a lot of family dynamics going with the person who's po don't have a POA.
JJ:That's a coming back moment. Natalie, right there. She is going to come. We're going to talk about that when you're not prepared, not when you're not prepared.
Unknown:I'm telling you, it was a ordeal. I'd never been on that side. I've never been on that side of it. I've been to health care provider worker that's helping families, but I've never been caught up into the dynamics of dying in a family when you have you don't know what the wishes are, yeah. Mm, you know, you don't know what the wishes are. And so it was an eye opener for me, and I'm going to tell you right now my brother died in December. I'm still healing from his death and the dynamics, because all of us were at different stages in acceptance and of His death and His dying, and then you get caught up, no matter how you try, somehow you get caught into the drama and pulled in, and then you lose your focus. And I did. I was trying to stay focused on Him. I was trying to stay focused with his healthcare. But then I don't know, it's just like it just went, Oh, I lost my focus. And then you have to, you know, figure out how to get back to him. But the thing is, and this is what I say at the end for people, at the end of the day, at the end of the day, if you know in your heart that you did all you could for that person, then you will be at peace with yourself. Oh, man, I'm
Natalie:gonna, I'm not even gonna ask any more questions. That's I'm gonna leave it right there. Jay, that's there that, I mean, Beverly, that is, that is, that's the heart. There's anything that is a takeaway. Give yourself grace. You did the best that you could. That's right. There's no grade on this one. Yeah, that's right. Thank you, Beverly, and be at peace. I love it. Beverly, gosh, man, thank you. I am I thank you so much for blessing us this morning. I just You are definitely a sister. Thank you, Beverly, so and we will definitely have you come back Beverly, because I think there's more to chat about, and would love to be able to do that. So guys, until we confess again, we'll see you next time. Bye. Bye,
Unknown:you. Thank you. Bye.
Natalie:Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession again. Thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find the video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday, when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out, but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I, at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver, have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC, thank you for listening to the confessions of our reluctant caregiver podcast.
