Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
The Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver podcast offers a candid, unfiltered space to confess the good, the bad, and the ugly of being a caregiver through storytelling, guest interviews, and information sharing. JJ & Natalie are a dynamic duo of sisters supporting their mom living with Parkinson's and a husband who survived cancer. Along with their guests, they discuss their shared experiences in caregiving. Viewers and listeners alike will relate to our reluctance, be affirmed in their ability to be caregivers and gain the courage to confidently step out of the shadows to express their own needs. You are sure to laugh, cry, and everything in between but in the end, all will leave feeling better for the journey and part of the sisterhood of care. So grab your favorite guilty pleasure, and let's get to confessing!
Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
Theresa Wilbanks - After the Confession
Thank you for your support! Here's the link to watch the behind-the-scenes bonus episode on YouTube! https://youtu.be/x3O-U6bj8Jc
Confessions of a Reluctant Caregiver
Sisterhood of Care, LLC
Kristen daukas, Hey guys, it's
Natalie:your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast, and you're listening to after the confession.
Unknown:Now let's listen in, as it was just getting good.
Natalie:You know what's fun? Jay,
JJ:I don't know, confessing after confessing, yes,
Natalie:let's just confess some more. Okay, so we just finished up with our friend Teresa woolbanks,
JJ:and there's so much more to do. She
Natalie:is, oh my gosh, there's so much, like two sessions, like I I know, right? We needed like, part one, part two, because we just talked about, I mean, there were so many good nuggets. Number One. Gordon Ramsay,
JJ:you know what? We didn't talk about that. What's that? Teresa's husband?
Natalie:Oh, yeah, no kidding. So how's your marriage going? I mean, time, like, how's things going? Like, you're feeling stressed, you're like, you've you've almost died on blueberry hill. You've navigated diverting your dad with a little help from your mom. And so like, oh, it's almost like Earth Wind and Fire. Oh, my God, it is Earth Wind and Fire. Holy cow, because you've got fire. Yeah, you've got wind and with the plane. And then we'll just say Earth is the blueberries because they're touching the I mean,
JJ:you've got this. You people realize this. You also have a life still, because, you know, you're young. I mean, we talk about this all the time. How young 50s is. It's the new 20s.
Natalie:I know it is. I
JJ:mean, how your husband the fact that he is diverting, you know, kind of the conflict there by delivering the pill cup. Tell me about that, because I know sometimes there's conflict. I won't say conflict, but when, for example, last night, mom calls me 20 times and, you know, or at times, Dexter's kind of like, Who is that? I'm like, it's just mom. She's but dialing me or something. It's kind of like, what is going on?
Natalie:She puts a pin on where she's at. And we're like, Yeah, Mom, we know you're still at the skill facility. Just
JJ:kind of tell me about that, because you guys, you weren't living with your dad. Were you close to your dad at the time you were doing this caregiving, like, location wise? Yeah,
Unknown:we when we came back from France, we were with him for a bit, and then we moved let me think how this worked. We moved out. And then it was the time, the moment, that he was on that ladder. I walked in, he was on that ladder. I couldn't I realized that every minute away, we were close, we were 15 minutes away. It was worse than being like an hour away. It was the same or could have been five minutes away. I was thinking about him all the time. What is he getting up to? What did I do? Not do? What does he need? You know, you're running two households, and so we were so we moved. That was when I decided we needed to move back in. And I will never say that was the right thing to do. Thing to do. I don't know, to this day, we found a house that would have really been perfect for the three of us. And he, we went and showed him, and he said, This is great. Let's do it. And then we were gonna, you know, that's what we were gonna do. And then he said, No, and, you know, he changed his mind, and that was it. So we moved back in because I couldn't continue. And Joe recognized that, like he just knew I was worried about him all the time. My mind was always at the house if we weren't there. So it was definitely a rite of passage for us as a couple. I would say that we were like a team of three, but Joe and I did everything behind the scenes. Dad had no idea what went into caring for him, and we did it also that he wouldn't know and just simple things. Joe was so amazing after he learned that I didn't need him to solve everything. I needed him to often just listen. And he was able to get there most of the time. But he did solve a lot of things. Like dad, you know, because he was painting a painting a day. He would go through rolls of paper towels, and he would go through. He was painting with his paper towels. He had brushes. He used his fingers a lot now, because of his eyesight, but anyway, paints, you know, we go through paint and canvas, and this was a particular size of Canvas, and I'm, I am serious about a painting today. And dad would not. We couldn't buy it ahead if he ran out, if he knew we had it ahead, he had to use it if he had, we had we had two tubes of yellow. We had to use all the yellow. So the whole, all the paintings would be yellow. He wouldn't tell me he was about to run out until the last minute. So we would keep all the stock back. And then I'd be like, hey, Amazon delivered this today. And dad's like, man, that must be a big store, Amazon. He didn't get it, but it didn't matter.
Natalie:That must be a big store that
Unknown:Joe It is, yeah, it is, it is. So Joe kept track of the inventory of the paints and the canvas, and would source like, you know, where we can get it, keep it stopped. And then he really helped, because he knew how this would be. It was a little dance with dad. But so many ways Joe helped, just to keep things running smoothly and to keep that calm and happy. And help me, he really, he was amazing. And Joe, even, I will tell you, gave up his like he'd been with the same company for like, 2530 was it 30 years at that point, originally, was Rockwell. They sold, sold, you know. So he was with them when we were in France. We moved back from France, they wouldn't let him work remotely. They were based in Detroit, so he quit, and he started his own company and consulted back to them and did the same work. And so he was doing it, and that was how we could stay there and take care of dad, so he can't continually just did things to help support this whole situation. And I'm, you know, Joe sounds like he's, he's not the perfect person, trust me, but this was, he really stepped up. And we constantly would talk through and work through things about how we could help them, medication management. Joe is like, it's a big part of, how can we do this so Dad's not triggered. And Joe, we realized, oh gosh, just taking dad's dirty dishes from his you know, would trigger dad, and he gets so angry he would rather have dirty spoons out there. Like, I don't know what that was about, but if I took him, he would lose his mind. But Joe could go out there and do it, and Dad wouldn't react in the same way. So we figured out, yeah, how to just how to make things calmer in the house, the teamwork
JJ:sort of thing. You know, you mentioned in the very beginning that that there was a possibility, I think you said about caring for your in laws, is that, did you say that?
Unknown:Yeah, well, my, my mother in law is she'll be 80 this year. We're doing a weekend Durango with her. We arrange this thing that's going to be fine. And then my father in law is 86 but, yeah, you know, you know it's coming, and so we've started to have some conversations, and Joe and I certainly have had conversations. And this is what we didn't do with dad. We've had some conversations with them. We all the paperwork is in place, you know that's going to help us move forward. That wasn't, you know, the case with dad. And I think just knowing what's coming, I still feel like, oh my gosh all. It's almost scarier knowing because
Natalie:I feel that way about roller coasters, yeah, I
Unknown:still get on them, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You see, I
Natalie:know I'm gonna feel sick to my stomach a little bit. Yeah, yeah. So I hear you saying, I we are preparing now, but I'm sitting there, like, dude, they're in their 80s. I would have think, like, at this moment, I feel like I need to prepare now. I'm 48 I'm like, somebody care for me right now. Like, like, I want to prepare now. And like, what are some tips that you might give to someone to say, hey, looking back on this, this is something I would tell you. Here's, like, our top three things that I would tell you to do, yeah, like, this is good stuff, that's easy, that's proactive. Yeah,
Unknown:the conversations are one that's absolutely important. And I would say, you know, understanding what your the family member that you anticipate caring for. What are their wishes? What do they see? What do they envision for their future as they are aging, and do they want to age where they are, age in place? And if so, what does that look like? Is their home can did they have stairs? You know, there's some modifications that could be done there. You know, if they have another idea about where they want to age, you know, are they able to afford it? What is their financial situation, and how will that support their their wishes? And then where, you know, where do you fit into all of this as the potential caregiver? Like, what do they see care looking like down the road? You know, are they open to having folks come in? Is there one is there one sibling who would be able to step up? Maybe is the right person? How can the other siblings help? These are conversations with the whole family that can be had. I think that's just really important. And understanding that while one person might be providing more direct care, other siblings can help in in ways that are and I know you guys know all about that, that you know that so that everyone's feeling supported. And those those conversations you can't have them too early. You really can't. And and then making a plan, you know, making a plan for that. And then, as a I think that the thing that I recognize, you know, as we begin helping out, just try to, you know, determine your limits, like, what will be too much in terms of too much help? If you start to give up your hobbies and your interests, you're starting to give up parts of your life that help you feel whole. What can you do with that point? You know, when you start to reach that point, that's you know, you're maybe not at a limit yet, but that's an indication that you might be soon. So how can you lighten your caregiving load so you can stay connected to yourself? Do you have physical limits? Limitations if you know the person you're caring for, like dad, for example, I wasn't. I knew at some point, if he needed help showering, which he didn't, you know, or help in the bathroom, that I would have somebody else in to do that. That would be a different level of care. We had companion services at this point, that would be, you know, different. Or if we needed nursing services, what if you have physical limit? Like, if Dad had needed help transferring, I wouldn't. I would been concerned about my own well, being like, I might get hurt, helping him, he might get hurt, even knowing the right procedures. You know is bigger. So physical limits, your emotional limits, and limits around worrying, I think, and these are all we're talking about, boundaries. But I think you can if you're caring for someone, and you start to realize that, oh my gosh, all my thoughts are consumed with worry. We can set a boundary or. On their worry, we can make a plan it. You know, it's caregivers. It's not you can't just stop worrying, because a lot of the worries are going to come to fruition, and we probably need to plan for them. And if we have a plan, a, b and c, then, or, you know, journal about it, we can maybe set the worry aside. And we know, okay, this happens. This is what we'll do. And, you know, it may never happen, but just having that, that plan in place, setting the boundary around the worry. And it sounds like it's it is challenging to do, but we can, we can set limits on how much we worry at when dad was approaching it was for the end. He had interstitial lung disease in the pandemic, and so we brought in hospice, because I knew at that point you weren't allowed to visit folks in the hospital. They would go. They were on their own, and I couldn't imagine that for Dad, like not being able to be there with him. So I knew with hospice, experience, with hospice with mom, that if we had them come in and we had an emergency, they could help us. He could, if I wanted him, he wanted to go to the hospital, we could still do that, but we could also get a lot of support. You know that in where he wouldn't necessarily have to go. And so hospice came in and they I had him visit, minimally, just the nurse once a week. Dad was really worried about interstitial lung disease diagnosis. He was on oxygen at this point. He was just every conversation would go there, like, what's what is this? He'd forget what it was. He just was uncomfortable with what might be happening. And I knew that I was just, I couldn't stop worrying about him, worrying like I was completely it was always on my mind. I knew anytime I went to talk to him, that's where the conversation would go. So I contacted the social worker at hospice, and I, you know, explained what was happening, and she we set up, we put a plan in place where someone from hospice would come in sit with him, you know, could go through it, what it is, you know, just answer all of his questions. And then when I'm sitting with him, I can deflect, you know, acknowledge what he's saying and just, you know, validate his worry. But, you know, change the subject, knowing that someone else has got this he's got, and say that he's got, you know, someone else is going to be able to talk with him about this as often as he needed. Ah, that really helped. And this was so this was, you know, toward the end of the caregiving experience, and I was still dealing with, you know, some of these, some of these things. But I'd say once in, you know, once our worries or our thoughts are just completely on caregiving, then it's time to kind of take a look. And we might be a little burned out. So I guess those are two things, but that's a lot more than two. We talked about,
Natalie:no, no. I think that's important, because what I hear you tell me, and I'll say this when you have to repeat, and I think this is where people get really frustrated and can feel burned out, is when you have a loved one who doesn't understand or they forget the answer like my grandmother used to tell us the same thing over and over again, and I now do it as an adult, and I'm like, if I've told you this, just nod and smile, but if they it's the the repetition of the same information can be anxiety producing. And so you just said I found a solution. So because it was triggering you, it was activating you. And I think that's so important, it sounded like you used your resource then, so that, that way you didn't have to carry it. Because that's a we got to remember, there's things that we carry that we can hand off to someone else to let them carry the heavy load. It's not that we don't care about it, right? It's that I don't have to carry it alone. That's
Unknown:what I hear you telling me, yeah, Natalie, that's a really way, a great way to put it, yeah, and that's it. It's not that I don't I don't care. But I knew this wasn't I from the past. This wasn't sustainable. I couldn't continue to worry about his worry so much. It was just, it was all I could think about. I didn't want him to worry. Yeah, worry. You know, it's all, it's all. All of these things are because we care, even the conflicts are all because we care so much. And we just want our person to be safe, you know, the person we're caring for to be safe, and we don't want them to hurt and worry and watching them go through the aging process and experience all of these losses. And our relationship has changed so much. The loss of that relationship, it's a lot to deal with. Yeah,
Natalie:that is so true. Jay, do you have any final thoughts?
JJ:My final thought is, I'm gonna write this on my whiteboard in front that
Natalie:says on your forehead. I thought you're probably right. Where's I need, like,
JJ:I need, like, a big, you know, what is that sticky note? So every time you look in the mirror, you could be like, status boundary on worry. Because Natalie, when I call her, at the point that I call her, she calls me the snot sandwich. That's like a term I should get that on a shirt, because that's, I'm a scout sandwich, because, and it can be anything, Teresa and I it can be like we're having a problem with mom's teeth and getting a dentist approved, it's the craziest thing, and that's a lot, but it's, you know, the facility they we've missed, like, doctor's appointments, and I worry about that, and it's but the terminology boundary on worry. So I'm tasking you. I would like a workbook, so if you could just the next thing you. Do. If you could make me a workbook on maybe a connect the dot, I would like that. That is my comment for Teresa. Oh,
Natalie:yeah. And you know, you do love just like Jay, one of JJs, one of JJs. And it's not even a guilty pleasure. It's just JJ has always loved working also puzzles, and she loves Sudoku and and then she wouldn't share it with anyone else to play.
JJ:Well, what I will, I will say this after the confession, is that I would put jigsaw puzzles together and Natalie would steal the last piece until it was time see. That's why, because she wouldn't. That's the problem. Teresa,
Unknown:oh my gosh, what a dynamic that was. She
Natalie:also wouldn't let me read the newspaper, because we would get the Sunday newspaper, and it was this big, giant, thick thing, and I just wanted to look at the toys section. And she'd be like, I look at everything.
JJ:So she's, she's,
Unknown:she went,
JJ:I have to take care of her. She's only getting brussels sprouts every meal. Oh, wait, she likes brussels sprouts
Natalie:as long as they're roasted. If they're roasted, I'm like, Oh, I hate that
JJ:at all. In all seriousness, I think that boundary on worry, because I think a lot of caregivers, I think that is a big thing, and it is. It is just wanting that that person, your person, your peep, you just want them to be safe. But for me, I also want mom to be happy, and I have to realize I can't make her happy like she innately find her own happiness, and even in the situation that she's in. And I think that's another big thing for me, is I worry that she's not happy, but I can't make her happy, and she has to find that hurts. You're not chocolate. So anyway, but yeah, my list is, like, so long. I'm like, learning.
Natalie:I know, right, me too.
JJ:I brought, like, bigger paper.
Natalie:I know, right? Theresa, thank you so much. This is so much fun. We're gonna have you back. I'm like, Oh, I think Theresa should contribute things and be our Yeah. I'm like, Ooh, I have so many great ideas. I'm like, oh, Theresa, we're gonna have you back. Oh, you
Unknown:want to come back. About the dentures and the super glue story. We'll say that, Oh
Natalie:my gosh, not the dentures in the super glue. Okay, that's a that's a comeback. Yeah, okay, look at that on the last episode of You can't believe this happened. Um, you can't make this up. Guys. Thanks so much for listening to after the confession. And thank you to Teresa Wilbanks. We'll make sure all of her contact information is in the show notes, and she is such a valuable resource. Definitely check out all of her content and follow her on social media. We love you, love you, love you. Thanks guys for listening, and until we confess again,
Unknown:we'll see you next time. Bye. Well, friends,
Natalie:that's a wrap for this week's after the confession, thanks so much for subscribing. It's your support that makes this podcast possible. And don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our monthly newsletter. Sign up for the free sisterhood advantage discount club, and of course, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Tiktok, Twitter and Pinterest. You'll also find the video recording of all our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube Channel. We'll see you next time when we confess again. Till then, take care of you. You.
