Caregiving Rapids: Navigating the River of Aging and Independence

Theresa Wilbanks' caregiving journey began unexpectedly when she lived abroad in Europe with her husband. As her father aged into his 90s, she took on more of an advocacy and support role from a distance. However, a series of health scares brought Theresa back home to the United States to serve as her father's primary caregiver. She dove headfirst into the intense role, unprepared for the emotional toll it would take. Through trial and error, Theresa navigated countless challenges with her father's independence, medical management, and resistance to help. She experienced deep burnout as small conflicts like spilled blueberries came to represent the daily struggles.

Determined to find sustainable strategies, Theresa worked to understand her own emotions and reactions within the caregiving relationship. She embraced mindfulness practices and set boundaries to better support her father while also caring for herself. Theresa's realization of accepting her fate as a caregiver rather than resisting it proved a turning point that allowed her to find meaning and growth in the experience. By openly sharing her journey, Theresa has helped countless other caregivers feel less alone and equipped them with practical tools for building resilience.

Today, Theresa continues her work to help caregivers through her writing, speaking, and role as founder of Sustainable Caregiving. Through the 12 strategies she developed on her own challenging river of a journey, she aims to reframe caregiving as an opportunity rather than a burden. Theresa's authentic storytelling provides hope, insight, and valuable lessons for anyone navigating the complex emotions and realities of caring for an aging loved one.

About Theresa:

Theresa Wilbanks is an author, speaker, podcast host, and founder of Sustainable
Caregiving. Theresa’s passion and purpose are to guide family caregivers on their
journey as they manage and provide care for a family member.

Theresa’s career enabled her to lead teams and develop training programs. She left it behind to live in France and didn’t look back until caring for her father became necessary. The caregiving experience inspired her to found Sustainable Caregiving and guide fellow family caregivers on their journey.

She became a Certified Caregiving Consultant and realized that more was needed as she began connecting caregivers to resources. Using skills developed in the corporate setting, Theresa deconstructed what made caregiving so overwhelmingly challenging. Through trial, error, and tears, she created the 12 Sustainable Caregiving Strategies to help caregivers navigate their journey empowered with confidence.

Theresa shares her vision of a sustainable caregiving journey and offers hope to family caregivers through speaking and in her book Navigating the Caregiver River: A Journey to Sustainable Caregiving. 

Go to https:www.sustainablecaregiving.com for more information on how to

Transcript

Natalie: 0:00

Kristen daukas, Hey, everyone, welcome to the confessions of our reluctant caregiver podcast. We're happy you're here on the podcast. We're certain that you'll relate to the caregiver stories and find comfort with your honorary sisters. Now before we start, I want to remind you to go to our website, Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver.com. And sign up for our newsletter. It's full of useful information that you can immediately use. Now let's learn more about today's gift. Thinking about talking to

JJ: 0:36

I am but I have a special request today.

Natalie: 0:38

What is that? Oh, do you want me to sing? I actually Carry on my wayward song, what?

JJ: 0:45

Because you've been at conferences all week and I've not been able to to talk with you my morning Mimi Well, I did miss Mimi me, but I missed the morning song. So give us just a real fast morning song. Good

Natalie: 0:57

morning, good morning. It's great to see you. Good morning. Good morning to you.

JJ: 1:04

I really, at some point in time, I feel like we should have some of those little birds like chirping on your shoulders. Oh,

Natalie: 1:09

I'm almost like Snow White, but not so white. Gotta tell you, hey, you know what? It's not about my singing. This is not the voice, although I could be on the show and would not qualify, but we have an awesome guest today. Yes, we have an awesome guest. And I think it's time for you to introduce everyone to Teresa. It

JJ: 1:28

is time for me to get busy, Natalie, so let's stop playing. Thanks for the introduction. Natalie, okay, very serious, Teresa. I'm so thankful that we have Teresa Wilbanks with us, because if you need to relate, this is the day, just turn up the music, loud, turn up the radio, loud, whatever you're listening to, her story and her message about the caregiver. River resonates with all of us. It is not always in a canoe. That's what I think about when I think about the river, because, you know, it's a canoe, but I'm telling you that it is wild rapids with her, and I love the story. The ride with her dad is not one to be missed. Theresa is an author. She's a speaker, she's a podcast host, and she's the founder of sustainable caregiving. There are so many experiences that we can all relate to and learn from how she handled taking away the keys from her dad, one of my favorites, the battle on blueberry hill and the moment she recognized, the more her father resisted, the more she insisted, everything that I know about you so far, I love and I cannot wait for you to share it with our listeners. Teresa, so let's get started. Natalie,

Unknown: 2:35

let's do it. Yay. Welcome, Teresa, thank you so happy to be here with

Natalie: 2:43

you both. We like to always, we always like to start the show with, tell us about your caregiving journey. Let's, let's start from the beginning, you were born, and then skip to the good part. No, wait, tell us some background about the family. Tell us a little bit of background, because you got to set the foundation. And then, yes,

Unknown: 3:01

okay, no, that sounds good. The foundation is that I came from a family of caregivers, so I watched my folks care for my dad's mom and my mom's mom before that, actually, my mom's mom moved in with us, and then my dad's mom moved in with my folks. I had already left, you know, the house, but so I watched caregiving up close and personal, and yet had no idea what I was in for and even though I saw them helping out, you know, I didn't realize the intensity of it all, especially when I was living away from the house and and then when I get into it, I'm like, did the caregiver gene skip me? Because this is definitely harder than what I imagined. So yeah, and that was, you know, everything was great growing up, great relationship. And then, you know, I'll just focus on Dad, you know, caring for dad. But he was in his 90s, and my husband and I were living in France, and I would talk to him every day, and he seemed to be doing fine. He was, you know, driving. He was doing well. He was volunteering at the hospital and working out at the Wellness Center and going on trips. He came to visit us twice. And so while he was in his 90s, I feel like he was a very young 90. Wow. It was He was impressive. He was impressive. And I would talk to him every day. And, you know, I did get involved. I didn't realize I was actually advocating for him. Even before we moved back home, somebody got involved with helping him with his health insurance. And I had to reach out to them and let them know that this was not, you know, something for them to get involved with.

Natalie: 4:18

Go into that a little bit. Go into that, yeah, because I don't want you to gloss over that one, because that's an interesting one. It kind of it. It leans into, because I know a little about this part. It almost leans into those helpful individuals that sometimes open up a opportunity for abuse, and abuse not being physical abuse, but abuse being like fraud or whatever, so go tell a little bit more about that. What'd you say?

Unknown: 4:45

Well, I was concerned about that because the person who actually had his computer his passwords was a friend of Dad's friend, so I didn't know this person well, and when Dad told me that he was help, this friend was helping him, I. Get a better price on his health insurance. I freaked out a little bit because dad had really good health insurance. He retired as a teacher with the state, and so he had a supplement that he wouldn't be able to get if he went out on his own, he wouldn't be able to get that level of coverage that easily. And so I was very concerned. But then also, as you said, I was concerned, what else is going on? How does this person have his password? So I reached out to my friend. And I was actually in the Czech Republic at the time, I was in liberates in a hotel lobby, and, you know, trying to get a signal and on the phone, and I let her know that, you know, he this person needed to be not get into dad's, you know, we change the password, not get into dad's business. And then if she wasn't comfortable sharing this with her friend, I would like to speak with him, and that put an end to it, so he stepped away. But I really, I still to this day, don't know what his intentions were, if they were really trying to help dad lower his insurance costs, or whether he had, you know, other things in mind, but that was a wake up call, and dad did have his identity stolen twice, unrelated later, after we moved back, which, you know, so when we moved back, I felt like the timing was right, because he had his identity stolen twice. He had a stroke. So everything seemed to happen, you know, as it should have, because, like I said, he was doing fine, but then there was, um, a fire. He lit candles in the evening, and he had this whole tray full of candles he would light well, he fell asleep, and the candles burned through the tray into the dresser. He woke up to a condo full of smoke, and he had the wherewithal to go into the bathroom, soak a towel and throw it over the candles. And when he told me this, you know, he's downplaying it, like it's not a big deal, little by little, more and more came out. It was a big deal. The insurance company recommended, well, the fire department recommended the insurance company that he not stay in the condo because of the smoke. When I saw, you know, then he told me how much the check was to repair everything. I realized there's a lot more than just, you know, a small fire that he, you know, little fire that he put out, and he had his feet were cut from all the the glass, wow, because the candle holds broke. So he's all this is coming out. And I'm like, you know, Joe, I think we might need to be closer than an ocean away. And you know, some of us have siblings who get their little less involved. My brother was an hour and a half away, but he didn't get over he didn't get over he couldn't get over there to check out the situation and let me know it was going on. So I just felt like it was time. And I love my brother. You know, he helped in the ways that he could, but I needed to

Natalie: 7:10

be there. Question. I have a question, How many siblings do you have?

Unknown: 7:14

One sibling, younger brother, younger brother.

Natalie: 7:17

You're the oldest because birth order. We love to know birth order and so, and you had been cruising around, yes. JJ, you're the oldest. I want to

JJ: 7:25

know because, and you're about to say, this is so in the midst of all of this, you know, you're like, Dad's 90, and he's doing this, and I feel like we should cross back to the ocean. I just want to make note of this. Teresa has a life like, she's like, also, I'm

Natalie: 7:38

sorry, just Teresa, she's living

Unknown: 7:40

in Europe.

Natalie: 7:40

So how sounded super I was at the Czech Republic, and I was looking for a signal. Yes. Let me flip my hair a little bit for

JJ: 7:47

those of you can't see. Sorry. She has a life, so obviously she's only 20 now. So how old were you at that time?

Natalie: 7:55

Yes, good question, Jay, because you're right. I thought, wow, she's caregiving. It's GME. So

Unknown: 8:00

yeah,

JJ: 8:00

are you in a career? Are you just traveling? Or what's going on with you at that time? Because you're married, I think, or,

Unknown: 8:05

yeah, married late, I'd say late 40s. I turned 50 back in the States when we were caregiving. So late 40s. And my husband, he was an engineer, and we had the opportunity to move over there, and we were on an open ended contract. We lived in the Loire Valley for three years in Normandy for four years. So seven years we'd been there, and the fact that was open ended was such a gift. Because, you know, we could stay as long as we wanted. We had a camper van with a top that, you know, popped up, and we traveled all over Europe in that van. I love that. Yes, yeah, it was, it was a lot of fun. It was a dream. It really was. And I, I wouldn't say that I worked, but I worked. We hosted 50 guests who came over to visit, you know, during that time. And I taught English to the kids in the neighborhood. We lived in a small town, Lamar Valley, so, you know, it was it 6000 people in that town. I taught the Commerce on English. So it was just so much fun, and it was amazing. So, yeah, it was coming home. Was a bittersweet we knew we weren't going to stay there forever. We knew at some point we'd have to come home, and it was, it was the right time. As I said, all the signals were there, especially after we got that.

Natalie: 9:06

Like, no one would you know now, would you say that you were a long term caregiver? Because I know that you had referenced, like, dipping your toe into the caregiving water. Because, I mean, like, it looks like you're about to say no, but I'm like, you're doing things that sound like caregiver. You're just, it's not like, what, it's maybe, what, an hour or two a week, maybe that you're providing some level of support where you or would you say, No, I'm still a daughter at that point. Yeah,

Unknown: 9:30

I feel, I feel like I was still, I definitely was a caregiver. I will say, Now I want folks to recognize, it's really important to recognize, when we start helping out, even if it's a country away, that we are caregivers. So absolutely, I was a caregiver. I did not realize that until, you know, three years into the intense experience, when, you know, I was directly there with Deb. But looking back hindsight, absolutely, I talked to him every other day. We'd have sometimes hour, you know, two hour long conversations, depending on what was going on. And he seemed fine, but I was definitely helping him with things, you know, and and a way. Or his situation. So, yeah, but long when I think of a long term caregiver, oh my gosh. As you know, there's so many out there who have been doing it for, you know, decades, and that's what I tend to think of as a long term caregiver. Yeah, this was, for me, it was a period in time, yeah. And

Natalie: 10:15

it sounded like, you there was a crisis. We always say that there's something that happens. It's like this build up. And for some people, it's like a slow burn. They know that they're going to be doing it. But it sounds like that crisis was the fire.

Unknown: 10:27

You know, I would say that that was the initial kind of wake up call, but the crisis was actually the stroke, so when we came back, well, the point, just because, to your point, like, was helping out, it felt good. You know, this is all going so well. And then dad has a stroke. And I can, I can say, Now that was the tipping point where it turned into, it was so intense, so quickly. And, you know, but I will say I was wading into it and didn't see it coming at all. And it was the intensity was building. I just didn't realize it. Because when after the stroke, he recovered 100% but he could no longer drive, and that was traumatic for both of us. And I was in denial. He was in denial. I had not done any preparation, and I'm not looking back and, you know, shooting myself, but it is a lesson for other folks, like, if I had been able to prepare and look at the alternative transportation options that helped out, get used to them before they were absolutely necessary. It wouldn't have been the same situation where I was taking him everywhere, responsible for his social I mean, he was involved in so much, and he might not have been so resistant. He was able to use the local services. There were some really awesome services where he could call demand on response. I can't remember his Dart, you know, like a taxi service, but for folks Yeah, so he could call day ahead and get a ride. He didn't love that, though. He did not want to give up the keys, and this was one of the biggest battles of our time while we I was caregiving, and I can just remember being in so much distress because we couldn't sell his car because the caregivers used it. They needed to use a car that we had so they would use his car. His driver's license was no longer valid because he didn't pass the eye exam. And that was, I would say, a result of the stroke in some way, because before that, you know, he could, he was passing the eye exams. This is something for folks to know. Like, it may be that you're like our primary care physician and the eye doctors, they really didn't want to get involved, you know, I read later, this is because, you know, they look at it as a family matter. I saw one of he had a couple eye doctors. He had macular degeneration and glaucoma. So we had, you know, retinal doctor. I could see the pain on that doctor's face, like he didn't want to be the person responsible for taking away dad's independence and ability to drive it. So they were not supporting me. And it was finally a tech at one of Dad's eye doctors who I, you know, I let her know I needed help, because he was not and she said under, you know, under the circumstances was his vision, you know, at the at the point where he could drive, I was beyond limit. That doctor did not want to get involved in this conversation either. So she was, she really helped, because she was the only person other than me who was telling dad, this is not, you know, this is not okay. So dad said he knew he didn't have a driver's license, but felt he was above the law and he could drive anyway. We went and got his ID, just because that was it was around his birthday, and this is a really good time. He's not going to do it if he realizes what's happening. This isn't means he no longer has a license, and he had keys everywhere. And one time I got in his car to move it, and this big band music was blaring at like, eardrum piercing levels. And I went back in the condo. I'm like, Dad, you've been driving. And he's like, Who told you? So he didn't deny it. And he was convinced somebody had had told me. So I'm like, Dad, where are the keys? What? And he said, Oh, I remembered I had hidden one under the car, like on one of those magnetic boxes. So he remembered, oh. So he would when we would when we would leave, he would sneak out in his car. Now, is that not like some weird flashback to what's like upside down world he was sneaking out when he knew we'd be gone for a period of time? So, yeah, that was, that was pretty

Natalie: 13:54

traumatic. Oh, so Jay, hold on, this is so great, because when we come back, we're gonna jump even more into this, but we're gonna take it for a talk about sneaky dad. Right back. Sneaky dad, right we'll be right back. I don't know about you, but my inbox is always cluttered with useless emails, but there's one I always open the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver newsletter. You may say, Natalie, what makes yours so special? Well, I'm biased, but don't just take my word for it. Here's what our subscribers say they love. First, it comes once per month, and you can read it in under five minutes. Next, you'll find amazing tips and resources to use in your everyday life. And who doesn't love a recommendation these sisters do, which is why we share sister approved products and discount links to save you time and money. And of course, your first to know about the upcoming month's confessions, just like our show, you're guaranteed to relate, be inspired leave with helpful tips and resources. And of course, laugh. Kristen daukas, go to our website, Confessions of a reluctantcaregiver.com. To sign up for our newsletter today. Hey

JJ: 15:10

everybody. We are back here with Teresa Wilbanks. We're jumping back in. We're talking about what I've referred to as sneaky dead who had car keys. He was not willing to quite give those up. And he was out and about. Teresa found out about the drive because of big band. It

Natalie: 15:26

almost feels like he's 16, yeah, like he's 16 and he's jamming. I'm surprised he didn't bust these speakers. But, I mean, I will tell you I did bust my speakers. That's why I can't hardly hear. Since I was 40, my dad was right. Like, you'll go deaf if you listen to your radio that loud, and I'm like, no one. And so I'm glad to know that at some point in my life, hopefully I'll probably be sneaking out as well. So your dad's sneaking out. And so then what? So then what happens? Did you because you mentioned that you had caregivers? So, okay, so back up just a step. Did you all have paid individuals while you were out of the country like as your dad's aging did you all pay for anyone? Or is it? Was it just individuals who might help your dad out, and they would drive his

Unknown: 16:09

car? That's it. We had a care agency. So when let's see I came back, was helping out, all of a sudden I realized, this is too much. I can't do it all myself, and I'm gonna need some help. And dad refused. And that's not uncommon. So dad, you know, I don't need help, was his response. And eventually I, I was able. I, you know, we all have limits, and I had to learn about boundaries, you know, the hard way. I hadn't really thought about them too much until now, and I was really at a limit. And so I, you know, I let dad know that you you may not need help, but I need help, helping you. He was willing to let me do everything all the time, and you know, even though I told him it was too much having somebody come into the house, he couldn't, he couldn't imagine it. So he agreed to that when I said, I need help helping you. But when they came in, he and he was such a sweet, gentle person, he was uncharacteristically nasty. He would say, I don't know why you're here. I don't need help. You may as well go home. And this was they come and tell me this. And so, you know, I'm there in the beginning to just see how things were going, and I'm like, Oh, I'm so sorry. And so we eventually, and I also learned that, you know, it was better if I shared with them what, because they were helping me, helping him, in terms of, they were doing light housekeeping. So they were there. It was companion services and just things that take some of the burden off of me, and, you know, so I let them know what they could do to help. And I said, even if dad says, No, you know, please, please take care of these things. And the ones who really understood, you know, Dad's resistance, they knew just to go in there and do it. And then they were friendly with him. And I learned that finding somebody who shares his interests was the key. And once we found folks who he they showed an interest in him. He loved to talk. He loved to talk about his time in the war and time teaching. He painted landscapes, painting a day. And so we actually found a few folks who painted, you know, who are interested in the things he was doing and had done. And one girl, she young, girl she was, she became an RN while she was with us, she would take him to where he could go to the cage and swing, you know, the golf club and hit balls, and taught her how to, you know, golf. So once we found the right match, I call it match.com like for the three of us, oh my gosh. He couldn't wait till they would come next. He'd be like, when is Lisa coming back? When is Amy coming back? And I'm like, and it really felt like he preferred them to me, which is fine. I was a little hurt.

Natalie: 18:21

This one, the pendulum. Need me. What are these other like, I know you're chopping. I'll

Unknown: 18:27

just wait till, yeah, we'll just wait till Amy gets here and she can do this, or she can, and I'm like, okay, all right, this is great. That's funny. So it was a that was also a process, and it took some, some time to get there. And all those battles, they wear you down, you know. And that's where, you know, the conflict, and I had to really look at, where's my ego in this WHERE IS MY like you said, resistance. You know, I'm resisting his desire for independence. In all these cases that we talked about. He just wants his dignity. He just wants his independence, like when he wanted to jump out of a plane for his 94th birthday. And all I could do every time he said it was hold my breath and, you know, just walk away. I would deflect the conversation, but he just was insisting on this, and I felt like it was, it was definitely triggering me. I felt like he enjoyed that part of it, and that that was bothering me. I didn't think he was serious. And then one day, he brought it up with our primary, his primary care physician, who was actually mine as well, and Dr G said, Well, why not? And I'll tell you, that was a moment of release where I was like, Okay, I've been resisting all this time. Maybe I'm the one that, you know I need to check myself. I'm like, why not? And that was definitely a turning point for me. And I realized that all you know, the conflicts I had, to reassess this. But the task at hand was to get dad to a place where he could jump out of a plane for his 94th birthday. All I could see was him, like, breaking a leg, hospitalization, like, this is just, you know, and again, I'm focused on me. What is this gonna do to my life? Um, and we did. We set everything up, and he got there, and the instructor, or the, not the instructor, but the person who was gonna, you know, bring him down, said, Oh, I can land him on his feet. I. Landed a 90 year old on their feet last week. Like, no, if they slide in, it's a lot less, you know, dangerous in my opinion, like, you know, where he's not trying to land on his feet. But I'm like, Okay, if it couldn't get any worse. And we're watching folks go up and come down. And my brother was there, and let me just say, this is an example of how siblings can support, you know, I wasn't going to jump out of that plane. My brother was there to do this with him and my niece, my brother's daughters, they were going to go up and jump out. They were all signed up, registered ready to go. Oh, my dad's friend bud, who was at 85 at the time, joined as well.

JJ: 20:31

I'm just in awe here. I just, I just want to say, like, right here in the middle of the story, my mouth is open, Theresa, I just in shock that you're, you're letting your dad do Can you imagine me letting mom do this?

Natalie: 20:42

Did you I like how? Now here's the thing, Theresa, Did you just hear how JJ said, letting your dad, letting mom? I'm sitting there thinking, I don't think we're letting anybody do anything at this point. This is this. This is an independence test. Like I'm gonna show you that I am your dad and you will not tell me what to do, young lady. I'm not, like, feel that way. I'm

Unknown: 21:03

not. Oh, it was, yeah, it was, and the family, like, was, like, you're doing weird. You're letting him do what. That's what I got now, when we when we shared this was happening, and I'm like, oh, no, look, I've been there and like, I'm on Team dad now, like, and Bud was whispering in my ear the whole way, this is a bad idea. It's a bad idea. So even his friend, who's there for support, is in my ear saying, don't let him do this. And the funny thing is, that morning, dad tried to back out. So we're at, you know, he was an hour from the place where we would jump in, zephyrhill, so he's trying to back out. And I'm like, Oh no, Dad, we're doing this. And it's that was my because I also was angry, like I had been put through, and I'm still feeling a little bit of that, like, you know, this has been an ordeal for me. We are finally to this point, and you're not going to back out. And I'm like, This is my little bit of control that I can still have. And if he got there and he didn't want to jump, of course, he wouldn't jump. But we're going, it's all set up. I went to all his travel and trauma and tears, and we're going, so yeah, we get there. And right before he was about to go up, a group of instructors came down. The winds had gotten up. They said it's not safe for anyone to go up. Dad was given an option to stick it out. Let's see what happens. The winds might die down. Get a refund or reschedule. And he took the refund, and that was and I said, Dad, if you get a refund like this, is it, I do not we cannot talk about this like ever again. This is in his mind. He was there, he was ready to jump, and the winds got up and he couldn't. And that's his story. And he doesn't, you know, that's perfect. It's perfect because he would have he won,

Natalie: 22:31

you know, I just think about, you know, as I think about, you know, people talk about falls risk and, like, you know, every like, health insurance plan is like, no, don't do that. I love, you know, I'm weird. Though you got to love a little God intervention. God's like, Don't worry, Teresa, I got you there's the wind.

JJ: 22:55

It was my mom up there. Even

Natalie: 22:59

better, she's all like, did you send some wind, please? He's not thinking,

Unknown: 23:03

yeah, yeah. So you Yeah, it really worked.

Natalie: 23:07

So you get past your dad wanting to jump out of a plane. I think it was at 94 Do you think it was a control thing, like he really wanted to do it, or it was just a rise thing?

Unknown: 23:17

That's, you know, he, he tended to have these ideas. And I do believe he wanted to do it. He really did want to do it, like he came to France that, you know, the time a year before, I guess we moved back. He really wanted to, but he, at the last minute, refused to go on the plane. Now he did, because he talked into it. I do believe these are things that he wants to do, but then there's some fear that kicks in. And so maybe reason, not reason, common sense, yeah. But he like I do, but he just had this desire. And I, when I realized what was happening in this conflict, I called it when winning was losing. So I might win the battle, but really would lose our relationship. You know, lose things are really important. He's losing his independ so whenever I could, you know, I would help him going forward with those things and that he really wanted to do, and look at them very differently and have different conversations and, you know, and try to understand them better. Now, I will say you talked about fall risk. You know, I did walk in he was on a six foot ladder trying to velcro a painting to the ceiling. And that's because we had already covered all the walls with his paintings. He was doing them. So, you know, rapidly, because he was in his surrealist phase, I say he really couldn't see detail, and he loved to paint landscape. So it was one a day, and we couldn't give him away quick enough. And so we decided, well, the walls are covered. We'll just cover the ceiling. And I walked in, and he's up there. He'd already put the Velcro on the ceiling. How? I don't know this person. He told me every day he didn't feel steady anymore. And so, you know, in this case, I will say I did hide all the ladders after that, like this was, this was a situation where, okay, this can't happen. And in trying to reason with him and explain that this wasn't safe behavior, it wasn't going to work. And so, you know, there wasn't that. I always said, whatever you want to do, go ahead and do it. There were limits. But

Natalie: 24:57

what I hear you say is, so you're dead. Dad. I think a lot of times people think caregiving is people is Ill, Ill, right? And we're talking about just longevity. That's, you know, in Europe, you hear the word longevity as opposed to aging, because there's so much stigma around the word aging. You think frail, you think feeble minded, you think they there's some dastardly illness, and your dad is, I feel I when you said jump out of the airplane, I thought of George H Bush, old a dad. Bush, right where he jumped out of the plane at night. I think he was 98 when he jumped out of the plane. And I don't know George W That's mine, yeah. And so your dad is just aging, and he's had things that happen, the impairments as he's, as he's getting older, is really just like traditional things so that come along with aging. Yes, he had a stroke, but he recovered, but he's got, I he's he's losing sight, and his probably some judgment space. And honestly, if we didn't have backup cameras, I could fall into that, and JJ, might have to push me around. But I'm all like, let's just hit reverse. I get the old people who put it in reverse, and they just back out and hoping it turns out, well, that's me. It doesn't sound like it's an illness related and I think that's so important. This is the first time Jay, I think we've talked about it on this show about just aging. Your parents just aging. Go ahead. You know, this

Unknown: 26:18

helps me understand something. I think folks who have not been in the caregiving situation a lot of times when they're asked, times, when they're asking me about it, they want to know what the illness was. They want to know what you're and I think you're you've hit on it. This is why, because folks don't understand what that aging process can look like. Because dad did take, you know, he took blood thinner. First it was, uh, Warfarin caused a bleed, then he was on covid 19. Now imagine what we went through with all of that. This is, as you said, normal aging, then his medication management. He didn't, you know, he didn't want me to hand him his pills. He didn't want me to sort his pills like all of this was just too much. He couldn't even imagine that he couldn't do it. He couldn't imagine that I would think he couldn't do it. I couldn't imagine what was happening when he was trying to sort them, and what I was seeing they were, you know, all in the wrong container. So it could we couldn't let it go, but I could figure out ways to help him maintain his independence as we transition to having a company do it. So I'm not doing it. This organization's sorting the pills. We're getting them pre packed. But he didn't want me to bring them to him. He forget to take them. We set up timer. So we went through all these iterations to help him stay as independent as possible. Eventually, it just came down that I had to give them to him, but I would set them actually my husband would it was triggering for him, for me to do it, sat him in the cup on the in front of his, you know, where his coffee table, and then walk away, and then kind of watch her around the corner to make sure he took him. Because if, you know, if I were walking out there and sending his medications down, he was angry about that. It was triggering because he's seeing how he can't, this is something he can't do. These are all the losses that we experience, if he experiences aging and so, Natalie, you bring up such a good point, because I don't think we understand. I didn't. I certainly did not understand that it's just the aging process itself creates this tremendous, intense caregiving experience. And yeah,

Natalie: 27:56

I'm gonna because, boom, I'm right on that. That had the the second break, we're gonna take a second break and we'll be right back. This is so good. I mean, now that we've diverted jumping out of plane, but now we're on meds. Now we're all it's the baby battles, so anyway, we'll be right back. Do you love to listen to podcasts? So do we? And these sisters are excited to support our fellow sister in care, Nicole will host of navigating the world with your aging loved one as former guests ourselves, we love how Nicole explores the world of aging and care. Beyond the informative interviews, Nicole's gathered helpful resources and practical tools that encourage and give hope to caregivers navigating the aging journey with their loved ones for a more meaningful and fulfilled life. You can find Nicole wherever you download your favorite podcast or go to her website, www.willgather.com Hey,

JJ: 29:00

everybody. We are back with Teresa Wilbanks. We're talking about baby battles and we were talking about meds. But you know, Teresa, it sounds to me like there's so much you talk about triggering your dad. There's so much of these things that it's about independence. What seems to trigger him is anything that you do that takes away a portion of his independence. Your whole theme of everything you do, you call it the caregiver river, you know, I look at what you do. I mean, that is an analogy like that is, you're up down, you're up down, you're up down. Tell me a little bit more about that. Yeah,

Unknown: 29:34

yeah. The way I was able to look at it after, you know, a few years and into it, was seeing the opportunity. And then we'll start from just on the horizon as a water reference. But you know, on the horizon you see this caregiving opportunity coming, or you don't, but if you're caring for someone, you might see it your next caregiving opportunity on the horizon, like for my in laws, for example, down the road. And then, you know, I feel like I started wading into it, so I'm helping out here and there, but I didn't give up too much of my own. This. And, you know, life, I was still able to travel. Joe and I were able to travel and go skiing and do this, and that we were helping out. And then, you know, set up supports, as dad needed them. But then there's the drowning phase. So, you know, just feeling like completely out of control, overwhelmed, burned out, don't know what help I need, much less where to find it. And then navigating, and I'll get back to the river and how it really applies. But the just the whole water that navigating is like, yeah, we've been doing it for a few years, kind of figured out, you know, what the challenges are. There's still going to be another crisis, but we're going to be able to manage it, you know? And not everybody gets there in their car giving experience. I'm stay completely overwhelmed and drowning I almost did. And then, of course, the partying and drifting, which can be two years later, and we're still not able to reconnect with ourself and the things that we were passionate about before caregiving. But the river analogy was because I just saw it as I was in this river with the rapids, you know, coming, they're up ahead and not being prepared. What's around the next corner, what's around the next bend, or is it a waterfall? The obstacles in the river, the logs and the rocks and all of it. And then when I realized, you know, the Navigating piece like it doesn't mean the river has changed, it just means that we're using strategies and skills that we've developed along the way, and so we're able to go with the flow more. We're able to resist less, you know, and there's less conflict. The triggers don't because dad was triggered. I was triggered, you know? I was triggered. I would react. And I felt like I was dropped back into the nest. I was like a teenager in dad's home, and we were having these battles and conflicts from because we had had such a great relationship. What is happening here? And once I was able to cultivate mindfulness, and it wasn't easy, you know, I would go out on runs to de stress and come back more stressed, because I was just, you know, circular conversations were going over and over my head, the arguments that dad said that me saying you shouldn't drive is negative thinking like it was just like I couldn't, there was no so coming back more stress. It wasn't until I was able to, like, put a boundary around the worry, and not, you know, while I'm on my run, I'm not going to think about it. So that's where boundaries came in. I'm going to have a mindful run, and I'm going to enjoy the trees along the way. I'm going to tune into the trees. You know, that type of thing. That's when the strategy started helping. Even venting like venting didn't help until I found the right folks to vent to, till I understood the blueberry battle is an example.

Natalie: 32:11

Tell us about the blueberry I'm ready. I'm ready. This is

Unknown: 32:15

so minor. This is something that okay, sharing it. I'm going to share it with you, because I can be vulnerable and feel I'm in a safe space, but when I shared this with folks who had not been in the caregiving situation, I felt very judged at a vulnerability hangover, as Brene Brown says, So dad had this recent dad used blueberries. Joe and I used blueberries. We had different blueberries, and dad's bag of blueberries was resealable, but, you know, he didn't that was something that he could not understand. It, just he couldn't see well enough, right? There's all kinds of things. So he would cut the bag open and blueberries all over the freezer. Like, we tried everything, everything to just like, put them in containers for him, like to help so that we're solving this blueberry situation, so we can have his blueberries. But yet, it's not like this big mess in the freeze. It was actually freezer. He was pulling out of the freezer. And I can't even think of all the iterations we went through and trying to help, but I, you know, and my frustration with dad, like somebody one time asked me, so you know, how's it going? And I'm like, I'm really afraid. What's frustrating? And I said something about blueberries, and she's like, blueberries. And wow, did I feel judged, like I realized telling somebody this who's not been in the Caribbean experience. This sounds like ridiculous, like I can't cope. Blueberries were the tip of the iceberg. And it was, I was at a limit, and the blueberries were the thing. Well, I shared this in a webinar that I was doing for caregivers. So there's like 120 caregivers, and they were typing, and, oh, my comments after I can so relate to the blueberry See, these are this was a safe space to share that. And I think learning who we can vent to, we want to make sure that it's helping us, so that after I'm venting, I feel good that I'm not repeatedly sharing the same things, because that's I'm just stuck in it, right? I'm not getting I'm not releasing it, I'm it's still right here. So understanding how we can vent in a way that's helpful. Maybe it's to a therapist, maybe it's to another caregiver friend, but yeah, that's the blueberries. And the blueberry thing helped me definitely learn that I need I was burned out. That was causing I wouldn't have gotten upset about blueberries, you know, in this upset, had I not been burned out. And really, is that something I want to spend my time and energy and frustration?

Natalie: 34:19

I think I've got to get to about. The bigger thing is, is this really what I'm willing to do at this moment, I'm doing it with coat hangers with Jason. I'm truly trying to let the coat hangers go. It just makes it easier for me to do laundry. And if he could just put the coat hangers down from the top shelf to the bottom shelf. And then I have to decide, am I going to die on coat hanger hill? But

JJ: 34:37

you know, Tracy, talk about the part about being vulnerable and shared it when you said the blueberry, when you were talking about the blueberries, I have to tell you, like, and Natalie will say, get the Kleenex. So I have, like, I've gotten these like, tears in my eyes. And the reason is because I think when you say the blueberries, and you had the session of people were saying, that's me. Like, I think about my blueberry incident. Like, I think about those little things. Takes, like, I think about Emily and the banana pudding. We almost died on banana pudding Hill. Like everybody, it was JJs fault. That was my fault. But like, I think about, like, I think about those moments mom's phone, like the fight, like these little things. But if I told somebody that they would be like, You're the worst daughter, like they have all this judgment. And I think people need to know, both the people that are listening and that that are listening to you, try and share this and judging. They need to know it's not about that blueberry it's not about that phone, it's not about the banana pudding. But what you said was, we are burnt out. You need to help us in so much more. There's, there's this word that you know. They need to say is, how can I help you? Like, what can I like, hey, you know, what can I do? Like, Hey, do you need to go out? Can you go clean my freezer out?

Natalie: 35:47

Say this, if I'll even say this. So the clinician in me would say it's really validation that we're seeking. Yeah, it's really, sometimes it's not even help. So sometimes people need help, and sometimes you just want to be validated, like, and it's something as simple as that sounds really hard, and I'm sorry that happened to you. And, you know, as a caregiver, and I had to learn a long time ago, Teresa, that I had to say thank you when people told me they were sorry, because, as a good Southerner, but I don't think it's just being a southerner. People be like, Oh, I'm so sorry. And you're like, Oh, that's okay. No, it's not. It sucks. And you it's really just, if somebody says, Hey, I'm really sorry that you're having to clean up blueberries every day because and they're rolling out, and you just stepped on them, and then you've, you know, tripped, and you've got a fall hazard, um, or you've got blueberries rolling I just, I just envision blueberries just flying out on your socks. That's what I'm saying. Like they're everywhere, and you're walking around, blueberries all over you kind of like this. But it's really about like, you know, somebody says, Oh man, number one, say, Hey, I'm really sorry that's happening to you. That sounds really hard and and as a caregiver, we have to say, Thanks. I appreciate that, and that's all it is. It can be that's all I need. Yeah, 30 seconds of validation. Yeah,

Unknown: 36:56

I think I say there's a validation void. I mean, we have really experienced it, and neither our healthcare professionals don't recognize what we're going through. If they've not been a family caregiver, yeah, they aren't really able to help and say the things that we need to hear. So we don't get it anywhere. We don't get that validation anywhere. And then we start to blame ourselves and JJ, I get it like, you know you're feeling like you start to judge yourself and showing ourselves compassion. I mean, it takes that take. It's what we have to do. But it's not easy. It's just not easy. Because and forgiveness. You know, when I think about forgiveness, I think about, I had to forgive Dad, I had to forgive my brother, or the people who dad's friends, who stepped away when Caribbean became intense, but I had to forgive myself a lot, repeatedly, and, um, showing myself compassion and but all of that takes, it's hard to do from a place of burnout and that constantly, like, you say, not receiving that validation, it just keeps you in that place where you're judging yourself, and you feel like that there's something wrong with you, and we're not, you know, we feel so alone already, like it's just, yeah, it's layers

Natalie: 37:58

that is, that is so true. Jay, I'm going to tell you, I can't even believe this, we're at time for Sister questions, because we're almost at the end. But don't worry, guys, we've got after the confession coming up, but we got to do sister questions. Oh, Theresa, Did I not tell you that we do sister questions? These are questions that we don't care about. We ask whatever we want. Well, I want to

JJ: 38:17

make sure, so here's my question, but I want to take her down the path, because I know we got a little bit, so this is my question. So tell me just a little bit about when it got hard and when you got that resolve, when you tell me about that, that portion,

Unknown: 38:34

okay, wow, there was a moment. So it got hard, probably when I realized I was not in a sustainable situation. I really felt like dad was in his 90s. I'm in my 50s. He might outlive me. His mom lived to be 104 I didn't think I could survive if he would live to be 104 and so it was just the resistance, those conflicts, all the things that we talked about, were building up, building up, even with help coming in. I realize at this point. So it was probably about two years, two years in, a year in maybe I was connecting other caregivers with resources. I looked back and thought, you know, it didn't have to be this hard. I can help other caregivers by helping them know what resources are out there, the local area, agencies and aging and you know what the VA can do. So, you know, all these things I was doing, but I still was struggling. I was struggling with the emotions. And so I'm like, if I can't figure out this piece of it, then I will not be able to truly help caregivers. And I was diving into every emotion, deconstructing the experience, the pain, and figuring out the trial, error and tears, what worked. And I read this article, and it was a quote by Ryan Holiday, and it was about a Nietzsche quote, actually, but it was a quote by Ryan Holiday, who wrote, The obstacle is the way. And it was, it was just about Amar fati and loving your fate. And I thought I just, I was in a cafe. This is just pre pandemic. I was writing blog posts, and I just sat back, and I'm like, Well, I there's no way I could love this fate. I was still resisting, you know, I was resisting my role, resisting the the tether, resisting that in my fifth. This might be my decade and what it looks like. And I thought, well, if I could do that, if I could love my fate and accept and embrace the situation that I'm in, then then everything would change. And that's what I did. I dove into how to do that, and was able to embrace the role and recognize this is where I need to be. This is where I should be. And man, that was a process, but when I got there, everything flipped. It flipped the script from I have to be a caregiver, so I get to be a caregiver. And what can I how can I grow through this? And I wouldn't have used those words at the time, but what can I learn from this experience? And I knew that if I could figure this out, I could help others, and that was part of the positive that would

JJ: 40:35

come from it. Yeah, I will say, and I'm still, I'm still talking, Natalie, tada, like, watch her. She's like crap. She's still talking. I will say that what you've learned, I can't tell you how immensely it impacts others. Like when I listen to everything you say, when I look at your blogs, when I look at your post, I'm like, hey, that's me. And so if you don't follow Teresa, or you don't, you haven't read her content, the things that she puts out, it's so she's got 12 like it puts chills on me, like it's you, like, it's your life, if you're caring in any capacity, if someone that's just aging or someone that's ill, like, it's you, like, it's totally relatable. It's it's all of us, and it touches you, because it's so honest and it's so authentic. Tracy, you're just like, here it is. This is and so you accepting the fate and saying, I'm going to make something out of this. It has impacted, and I want you to know that. So it has a big impact. Thank

Natalie: 41:21

you. Well, and Theresa has created sustainable caregiver, yeah, and she's, she actually transitioned to certified caregiving consultant and so. But I'm going to ask one two questions. Nope, two questions, because we're going to have more and after the confession, but because we want to deep dive a little bit farther. But tell me about what the 12 sustainable caregiving strategies are Tell me about that. Yeah, so

Unknown: 41:43

the this is what came from, that desire to create a sustainable caregiving experience when I knew that I was not, you know, where I was. I could not continue this for for years to come. So I again looking at it was through trial, error and tears, taking all of the emotions, deconstructing the pain and the struggle, and the struggle and figuring out what it would take to get me to a better place. And that's where they came from. And then over time, I was able to see how they kind of grouped into four to three categories. I guess you could say and bound setting you want me to go through them. I think they're setting boundaries. Yeah, setting boundaries, cultivating mindfulness, cultivating compassion, primarily self compassion, and then reimagining self care and what that looks like as a caregiver. And that's sort of the just a reconnecting. I feel like these can really help us prevent and recover from burnout. And then we've got the accepting and reframing, you know, to to to gain control, we have to release control. So accepting the role, like we talked about accepting help, which we've talked about accepting outcomes to minimize conflict, jumping out of the plains As example, and then accepting and transforming obstacles and then the difficult emotions, just to manage those. I feel like there was, you know, I really needed to release them, process and release, and the ways that I was able to do that with you, venting. And again, there's a lot to each of these. There's, of course, journaling was extremely helpful for me, and then forgiving and then planning. So planning for the worries, and those are the 12 sustainable caregiving strategies are what helped me get to a better place and begin navigating. I do believe we can move from drowning to navigating, and then we're going to be drowning again, and that's okay. We'll just be able to get quickly back to navigating because we know how, you know, we know how we can when we see feel ourselves sliding into burnout, we understand what's happening, and we can use these strategies to slow that slide into the flames over well.

Natalie: 43:32

And you know what that is, really is that's building resilience. So the way that people build resilience is through moderate stress. It's not through high stress, it's moderate stress. And when you learn Bruce Perry talks about this, we should that is how you build resilience. You have these experience that are moderate stress, you identify strategies to help you get through it so that the next time moderate stress comes, it doesn't feel as overwhelming. And that is building true resilience, if you live in this chronic state of just heightened anxiety and everything is so bad it's actually going to be counterproductive. So it's not that stress is a bad thing, because actually we learn from it and we manage it. It's how we learned as children to manage stress and build resilience. And I'm sorry you get a little mental health thing there, but I will tell you what I hear you telling me is you're teaching people how to build resilience and so that it doesn't feel so overwhelming. It's like, I'm going down this river and I see a rock and I don't have to panic and think I'm gonna drown. I'm like, I'll just go around it, because my past experience said, Do this and you go around it and you're safe and you're sane. So I think that's that's important, okay, my last question, what is your favorite guilty pleasure? What is the thing that you do, just for you, that you're like that? This is my go to. This is, I don't give this anybody,

Unknown: 44:55

okay, it I watch Gordon Ramsay cooking competition. You and like, I don't, I wouldn't say that. I hide that from anyone, but I will say, I sneak it into my 15 like, if I need to take a 15 minute transition or a little bit, you know, intense about something, I'm like, I'll just go watch 15 minutes of this. Because I in France, I loved cooking. I hated to cook. Before that, I learned and loved love, love, love cooking. And so I started, I don't think I started them there, but you know, with Dad caring for Dad, I would have the show The only time I could watch the show, I'd have it up while I was preparing a meal for him. So I snuck it in here and there where I could it was self care. So to this day, and I say, it's a I can I, you know what I say, with guilty pleasures for caregivers, just remove the guilt. Yeah. And then you got something, you got self care. So for me, I recognize that, you know, it's not meditating, and it's not, you know, maybe journaling, but it's something that I really enjoy, so I do work it in. And do, I do feel probably a little

Natalie: 45:52

guilty. It's funny, because I do agree, I have my own, like, guilty pleasures. I'm like, and I don't, I'm like, I'm gonna do this just for me, and I don't really care. So all right, well, I'm going to tell you, we're going to wrap it up. Teresa, you're absolutely amazing. Guys. Stick around. We're going to do after the confession. You definitely want to subscribe to after the confessions, because this is where we're going to get even more until we confess again. We'll see you next time. Thank you. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession again. Thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find a video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below.

Unknown: 46:46

We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you.

Natalie: 46:56

Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out, but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I, at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver, have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted, and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC, thank you for listening to the confessions of our reluctant caregiver podcast. Applause.